~~~Of Madness and Chocolate Frogs~~~

This little one-shot idea popped into my head this afternoon and I just had to write it down. It's pretty weird... Just warning you. Also, I know I should be working on updating my other stories (especially Oh! The Possibilities) but I've had the worst case of writers block for the past few months and I've been incredibly busy. I'm so sorry! I think that I'm finally getting back into the groove of writing.

Warning: This fic contains a tiny bit of slash at the end. Also, it is not HG/HP, they're just the main characters.

Disclaimer: Yeah right... I wish... All that you recognize belongs to J.K.R.

Hope you like it! Here we go...

Thanks, GG

"Hermione!" Harry flew into the common room screaming his best friend's name. "Hermione! Hermione! Hermione! Hermione! Hermione!"

As usual, Hermione sitting by the fire reading a book.

"Yes Harry?" She asked, rolling her eyes. Harry was quite prone to over reactions. Exhibit A: The Department of Mysteries. Enough said.

"I just realized that it's Ron's birthday tomorrow and I haven't gotten him anything! I have no idea what to get!" The so called Boy-Who-Lived panted.

Hermione laughed, "Well you could always get him something quidditch related."

Ron loved quidditch. It was logical for Harry to get Ron something having to do with quidditch. Hermione was quite a logical witch.

"Yes, but I get him a new quidditch book or poster every year! I want to get him something different this time. Special, you know?" Harry whined.

"Whoa there," Hermione replied jokingly, "You're not about to profess your love for my boyfriend, are you?"

"HER-MI-OW-NEE!" Harry cried exasperatedly pronouncing every syllable of his friend's name.

"Fine, fine," the bushy haired witch stifled a giggle. "Well…you could book a vacation for two to the Bahamas? Or take him for a night on the town? Or go get matching Hungarian horntail tattoos? I guess you could get him candy? He loves chocolate frogs… But then again I guess that's not exactly special…"

"HERMIONE YOU'RE A GENIUS!" Harry yelled jumping up and down. By now most of the students in the common room were staring at the dark haired boy.

Hermione smiled as her best friend kissed her on the cheek, "I know Harry." She was pretty much used to being called a genius by now.

"Wait, is this about the tattoo idea?"

"Um, sure" Harry replied.

"I KNEW IT!"

"Thanks for your help! I have to go get my invisibility cloak!"

The boy ran off and the bushy haired girl was left alone to ignore the stares of the extremely confused Gryffindor students.

A few hours later Harry returned from Hogsmeade with a mysteriously large package.

"Hermione!" He cried, running into to the common room trying to balance said large package.

"Yes, Harry?"

"I need your help."

"Of course you do," Hermione smiled.

The two climbed the stairs to the boy's dormitory and Harry laid his mysterious package out on the bed.

"Harry..." Hermione asked, eyes narrowed. "Please tell me you didn't kidnap a tattoo artist."

Harry looked at his friend in wonder. "You know, for the smartest witch in our year, you really are dumb Hermione."

She harrumphed.

"I went to Honeydukes and bought an entire shipment of chocolate frogs!" Exclaimed the green-eyed boy excitedly.

Hermione pursed her lips. "Harry, I thought we said chocolate was to impersonal."

"Exactly!" Harry exclaimed, "So we're not going to give him chocolate!"

"Excuse me?"

"We're not going to give him chocolate!"

"I heard you! But then why did you buy all this?" Hermione asked, exasperatedly.

"We're going to eat every frog until we find an Agrippa or a Ptolemy!"

"Excuse me?" The witch repeated.

"The only chocolate frog cards Ron doesn't have are Agrippa and Ptolemy," Harry explained, "So we're going to find them for him."

Hermione smiled warily, "I don't know about this…"

"Trust me Hermione, it's a brilliant plan," Harry smiled. "You thought of it yourself!"

"I sort of did didn't I…"

And so, the eating of the chocolate frogs commenced.

ONE HOUR LATER

"I can't believe we haven't found a Agrippa or a Ptolemy card yet!" Harry exclaimed.

Hermione nodded in agreement, "Pesky buggers aren't they?"

"Guess we'll just have to keep eating, yes?"

"Of course!"

"Cheers, 'Mione!"

TWO HOURS LATER

"Still nothing?"

"Nada."

THREE HOURS LATER

"I've got another Dumbledore!"

"Cool. I've got Merlin."

"Yeah well, Dumbledore beats Merlin."

"Says who Harry?"

"ME, THE BOY-WHO-LIVED."

"Ok."

FOUR HOURS LATER

"I think I need to go to the bathroom."

"NO HERMIONE! WE MUST FINISH OUR MISSION!"

"Ok."

FIVE HOURS LATER

"Harry… I really need to go to the bathroom…"

"Well you can't. I've charmed us to the bed. Just enjoy the chocolate."

"Ok."

SIX HOURS LATER

"YOU SOILED MY SHEETS, WOMAN!"

"Sorry Harry…"

SEVEN HOURS LATER

"I believe I can fly… I believe I can touch the sky…"

"Ok Harry, I get it. You wish you could fly."

EIGHT HOURS LATER.

"I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT, TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT…"

"… Hermione, you can shut up now."

"…SO SEXY IT HURTS"

"Oh just eat, dammit!"

"Ok, but aren't I sexy, Harry?"

"Um… Sure?"

NINE HOURS LATER

"Harry?"

"Yes Hermione?"

"Is this what they call a sugar high?"

"I don't know… I've never eaten chocolate for nine hours straight before."

"Oh."

TEN HOURS LATER

"I can't believe it… Why are there no Agrippas or Ptolemys?"

"I don't know Harry. I JUST DON'T KNOW. LEAVE ME ALONE."

"… But I charmed us to the bed, remember?"

ELEVEN HOURS LATER

"HERMIONE?"

"Um… Yes?"

"I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU MY FIRST BORN CHILD!"

"I shall name him Squirrel."

"Why?"

"I like Squirrels."

TWELVE HOURS LATER

"Hey Hermione?"

"Yes Harry?"

"OUR NAMES BOTH START WITH THE LETTER H!"

"AWESOME!"

"Damn Ron… If he'd only had a name starting with H. They could have called us H-Cubed, but nooo… Mrs. Weasley had to call him Ronald and now we're stuck with the Golden Trio."

"NO!!! I WISH WE WERE CALLED H-CUBED!"

"We can always be H-Squared?"

"WHOOO!"

THIRTEEN HOURS LATER

"I AM SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN, INNOCENT AS A ROSE!"

"FELLOWS I MEET MIGHT-"

"TELL YOU TO EAT THE REST OF THE DAMN CHOCOLATE FROGS!"

"Fine, but you started it Harry."

FOURTEEN HOURS LATER

"Weird how no one's come into your dorm, isn't it Harry?"

"Oh… No, not really… I charmed it so that you needed a password to get in."

"Good thinking Harry!"

"THANKS! I was in Hermione-mode."

Hermione blushed.

FIFTEEN HOURS LATER

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE HERMIONE! TOO… MUCH… CHOCOLATE!"

"ME NEITHER! MAKE IT GO AWAY! I'VE PROBABLY GAINED TEN POUNDS! I'M TAKING OFF MY PANTS! I CAN'T MOVE!"

"No, that's just because I charmed you to the bed, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."

SIXTEEN HOURS LATER

"HARRY POTTER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?"

"RON!"

"HON!"

"Hon?"

"You know… Harry, Hermione and Hon? H-Cubed?"

"Oh shut up Harry."

"Yeah Harry. Listen to Hermione. Shut up."

"Fine."

"Why aren't you wearing pants Hermione?" The redhead asked his girlfriend.

"I was hot."

"What's going on here?" Ron asked exasperatedly.

"Nothing!" Harry exclaimed, attempting to cover up the enormous pile of chocolate frog wrappers littering the ground. "How did you get up here? I had a password!"

"Yeah!" Hermione exclaimed. "He was in Hermione-mode."

"Come on," Ron laughed, "'Harry Potter is awesome' isn't exactly the best password ever."

"Damn. I knew I should have gone with 'Harry Potter is super cool.'"

Ron and Hermione gave their not-so-bright friend sorrow-filled looks.

"What have you two been doing up here all this time?" Ron asked again.

"Reading," Harry said at the same time as Hermione answered, "planning how to defeat Voldemort."

They looked at each other nervously.

"What we meant was…" Harry bit his lip, "We were reading about how to defeat Voldemort."

"Really?" Ron asked, perplexed. "There's books on that stuff?"

Harry and Hermione nodded nervously, not wanting to be discovered.

"Blimey, and to think we've been trying to destroy him for years. We should have just gone to the library!"

"Sure Ron, Sure," Hermione responded.

Just then Ron spotted the two remaining chocolate frogs at the bottom of the huge nearly empty box.

"CHOCOLATE FROGS! CAN I HAVE ONE? CAN I HAVE ONE PLEASE? PLEASE CAN I HAVE ONE? IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!"

"Knock yourself out Ron," said Harry tiredly.

"Take them both, in fact," added Hermione, knowing that she could go her entire life without eating another chocolate frog.

"SCORE!" Shouted Ron as he dove towards the box and pulled the sacred chocolates from its depths.

Carefully, Ron sat on his bed facing Harry and Hermione and began to unravel the first sweet. His best friend and girlfriend tiredly looked on.

"Sweet mother of Merlin…" Ron breathed, "I-I got Agrippa! I GOT AGRIPPA! And-" He began to unravel the other chocolate in his palm, "AND PTOLEMY! BLIMEY!"

"WHAT?!" His two friends screamed, flabbergasted.

"I GOT AGRIPPA AND PTOLEMY! I HAVEN'T EVER EVEN SEEN THESE TWO CARDS BEFORE! DO YOU KNOW HOW INCREDIBLY RARE THEY ARE?"

"That we do," said Hermione shaking her head sadly as her redheaded boyfriend bounded towards the common room to share his good fortune.

"I can't believe it. I just can't."

"Me neither Harry. Me neither. But we couldn't have known that those cards would have been the ones we were searching for."

"No Hermione! I can't believe that I just gave away my first-born child for nothing! Or that you're naming him SQUIRREL!"

Then, Harry Potter began to sob.

Suddenly, Draco Malfoy appeared in the doorway. "It's alright babe," the blond figure smirked. "It's not like you were planning on having babies conventionally anyway."

"Oh Draco!" Harry cried, "I LOVE YOU!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO, HARRY!" The blonde exclaimed kissing the other boy on the lips.

"NO!" A devastated Ginny Weasley yelled from the doorway.

Draco and Harry broke apart from their kiss for a moment and Harry cursed the redheaded girl to China.

"How do these people keep figuring out my password?" The hero asked sullenly.

""'Harry Potter is awesome' as your password isn't exactly the most well thought-out idea you've ever had," Draco joked, "You should have gone with 'Harry Potter is super cool'"

"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"

They began to kiss again.

"Mmm, tastes like chocolate," murmured Draco.

"Achem…" Hermione coughed as their kissing grew more heated. "Harry, I'm still attached to your bed!"

THE END

And there you have it. Possibly the wierdest thing I have ever written, and that's really saying something considering I wrote a scene in which James Potter has to seduce Snape in drag (see Oh! The Possibilities)... Oh well, hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review!!!

Thanks for reading,

GG xoxo