Angel
Warnings: Angst, Sap, Romance, Citrusy/Lime. Possible: mention of NCS/Rape/Incest, mention of attempted suicide, mention of self mutilation
Pairings: 3+4 (set up for future 3x4x3) past 4xOFC. Maybe mention of future 1x2 and future 5xR
Authors Notes: Side fic to How To Save A Life and part of my little arc/series thingy that I've decided to call 'The Fray Universe'. It was going to be just another scene and a flashback in 'Life', but it spiraled out of control and ended up way too long, so I altered it to be a side-fic instead. This is mostly about how Quatre and Kaori met and a more indepth look at their relationship. It is not necessary to read 'Life' first but I do recommend it if you enjoy this; and this may make more sense if you've read it. I'll also recommend 'Enough For Now', another side-fic to 'Life'.
Title borrowed from the Sara McLachlan song. I don't own the song or GW... but Kaori is my own creation so ask if you want to borrow her! ^-^
Enjoy!!!!!!!
Angel
Trowa looked across the cafeteria table at Quatre. It was about their first lunch together since Quatre had told him about Kaori's past, about her and her brother, Heero's, family life. He'd purposefully ignored the subject for the rest of that dinner, and ever since then. But now, curiosity was gnawing at him. Quatre and Kaori had each mentioned their own relationship, and Trowa suspected that it was much, much deeper than a mere friendship. He'd once suspected them of being lovers, and though neither had said anything to exactly disprove that, Trowa had thought that maybe it didn't go that far.
And then, during that conversation, Quatre had mentioned that they'd never gone too far with their relationship. Trowa was wondering now, though. How far was too far? How close were his patient and his patient's legal proxy? He knew how long they'd known each other... but what exactly were the dynamics of that relationship?
And before he knew exactly what he was doing, he'd asked.
Teal eyes jerked up to meet his own emerald ones in shock.
"What?"
"I'm sorry. I... I don't mean to pry. It's just curiosity. I was just wondering... I mean..."
Quatre finally smiled, and Trowa took that as a good sign.
"I understand. I guess it's just natural to wonder. I mean, she is my legal proxy and she does stand to inherit everything I own, after... after the cancer..." Quatre swallowed, but began again. Trowa processed this piece of information as something he hadn't known, something to be pondered over at a later time.
"Well, I guess I really can't tell you much about Kaori's side of things, but I reckon as my doctor... and a friend," he added a bit more hesitantly, "you deserve to know my side of it. And the truth of it is, I pretty much fell in love with her the first day I met her...."
~~~~~~~{*}~~~~~~~
Around nine years before....
September was probably his favorite month of the year. The unbearable heat of summer just barely fading away, with the cool breezes of autumn on their way. So he wore light khaki pants and a simple, thin, button down shirt with the first few buttons undone. His pale blond hair was ruffled by the wind, and his skin, though pale, still had that youthful luster he would eventually loose to sickness.
He'd wondered for the past two days why he'd agreed to this. He loved violin, and he had loved playing in the youth orchestra, but why on Earth had he agreed to mentor the newest first violin? If the girl was good enough to make first chair, then why did she require a tutor?
Of course, he'd asked Madame L, but the Music Director's only response had been that Kaori Lowe was a 'troubled young girl' who was 'more than a bit shy' and had still yet to 'fully understand her gift'. And from what Madame L had said, some gift it was! A talent that extended far beyond just a violin, into all medium of music. Beyond just playing an instrument and into anything that dealt with beat, melody, lyrics, tempo... anything remotely musical.
The fact that Quatre trusted the ageing music teacher was the only reason he was standing here, now, in the middle of Sandrock Park, waiting for someone he'd never seen before. It was two o'clock in the afternoon, and since the sun was still beating down strongly, he'd taken refuge under the forgotten oak. He sat on the ground, facing the fountain in the center of the park. So absorbed in the rainbow effect of the flying, falling, spiraling drops of water was he. His rapt attention to the water drew his attention to a rather lovely sight. A beautiful sight.
It was a Thursday, so the park was rather empty. It all served to accentuate the picturesque vision. Perched on the wide bench/wall that encompassed the shallow pool of the fountain's base was a slender child. She must have been young, barely thirteen or so, if that. Long slender legs were pulled up under a slim frame as fingers trailed across the surface of the water. A face made of quite sharp angles covered in gold-dust skin that sparkled in the sunlight. Slanted eyes stared through dark bangs and into the rainbows cast around her, distant. Quatre thought those eyes were dark. Black, perhaps. Like the hair pulled into two low ponytails at the base of a slender neck. Like the hair that whisped about in the wind. She wore plain blue jeans, sneakers, and a periwinkle tanktop, but Quatre thought she might have wore some fancy gown of lace and still not made such a heart-breakingly lovely sight.
The look on her face was one of the lost, the look in those eyes one of misery. A black violin case leaned against the stone wall next to her, and it was then that a few things occurred to Quatre.
This must be Kaori Lowe, he thought, rising to his feet. He really didn't want to interrupt the beautiful picture in front of him, but he felt drawn forward. He barely remembered to grab his own violin case.
He stopped a mere foot in front of her, and her eyes drifted to his. Quatre was surprised to be met with a rather startling shade of dark Prussian blue.
"Kaori?" he asked softly.
Those eyes blinked, the dark, almost bruised skin around them drifting close for a moment before opening again, surprise evident.
"Do I know you?"
Her voice was soft, sweet. A pleasant sound caught somewhere too high to be an alto, but to low to be a true soprano. And he thought that maybe she could sing as well as play.
He offered a smile, and his hand.
"I'm Quatre Raberba Winner. I believe I'm to be your violin tutor."
She stared at the hand for a moment, then back to his face. She hesitantly reached up, giving his hand a fleeting touch before recoiling it, as if afraid of the touch.
"Kaori," she said. "Kaori Elizabeth Lowe. Am I late?"
"No," he smiled. "I guess we're both right on time."
"What do you need me to do?" She asked, and he saw her meaning in those eyes. Immediately to the music. No hesitation there. Straight for the music. He sank down onto the wall a short distance from her. He'd thought about that, never having taught anything before. And he'd figured it'd be best to know his pupil's skill level.
"Play for me, please. I'd like to hear you play. Madame L said you were talented, but I haven't had a chance to listen to her recordings of you."
She nodded deftly and moved to her case. She stood up in a fluid motion, bringing the cool wood instrument up.
"Any requests, Mr. Winner?"
"My name is Quatre," he corrected gently, with a smile. "And just play. I need a feel for your skill and your likes and dislikes. Just play something, please."
She nodded, lifted the violin and tucked it into position under her chin. Her eyes drifted close as she drew the bow across the strings, testing their sound before she launched into her song. Quatre listened, captivated. It only took him a moment to recognize the song, and he was mildly surprised at it not being a classical artist, like so many of the more talented younglings he'd heard.
As the sun shone down upon her, accentuating her movements and casting her whole body in a halo of light, she played. The strains of 'Angel' by Sara McLachlan lifted into the brilliant sky. As if listening to her, the world didn't seem so bright anymore. It cooled until it matched the emotion pouring out of her. Quatre was enraptured at the sight, the sound. Distantly, he noticed that she was indeed talented, pulling notes and sounds from the violin like even few professionals could. He could pick out faults, of course. She was a mere student, flaws were present, if not quite abundant, but her emotion hid them from a normal ear. Her passion enfolded the song, made it her own.
Within the space of that single song, Quatre decided it would be pleasant to teach this girl. And maybe, to even become her friend.
~~~~~{*}~~~~~
Present Day...
"That's a pretty story," Trowa said evenly. Quatre raised an eyebrow.
"Pretty," the blond repeated, head tilting to the side, "but it wasn't what you were getting at, right? This was all a thinly veiled attempt at fishing to see weather me and Kaori were ever intimate in a physical sense, eh?"
Trowa flushed, just a little, because Quatre was just a little too right. But his blond patient smiled softly. "That's alright," he continued, "I don't mind sharing. I love Kaori, and I don't care who knows it. The truth is that yes and no."
Quatre shrugged a bit at Trowa's confused expression. "Kaori and I dated. For a while. Besides her brother, I am the only male she has ever willingly let near her, or to touch her. And very few people are able to get that close to her. And... well, yeah. We kissed, and we went further. We never went quite all the way, though, but we were close to it when we found out that we didn't want..." Quatre frowned. "No. Not true. It wasn't really all that mutual. I love Kaori... but it's the love I'd have for a sister, only deeper and different. I knew I could never love her like she needed to be loved, and she couldn't be what I needed that way. But... I think she still loved me that little bit more, that little bit more that I couldn't love her."
Trowa frowned sadly. "But... you're still friends? After that?"
Now Quatre smiled, if a little weakly. "We'd rather just be friends than not have each other at all, if that makes sense. Sure, it's a bit painful, but it'd be even worse if we didn't have each other."
The caramel haired doctor nodded, and Quatre continued.
"Kaori is like the best thing that's happened to me so far. If I have to go through everything again just to know her? I would. It was all worth it just to know her."
"You love her more than life itself?" Trowa asked a little weakly, and received a nod in the affirmative.
"I would die for her."
"Would you live for her?" Trowa countered.
"If there was a way, yes. But there is not."
"The surgery..."
"Will not work." the blond cut him off with a sharp look and a wave of his hand. "I know in my heart. If I thought there was even a little bit of hope in me that it would... I would have jumped at the chance long ago. But my number is up, It's my time to go."
"I thought you would say that," the doctor sighed. "So, what's the worse thing about all of this? All of what's happened? The worse thing in your life?"
"The worse thing? Knowing that between me and Heero, Kaori's going to be alone again. Not being there for her sooner when her parents passed. Refusing to go to their funeral. There are lots of things that hurt, that I'll regret."
"And the best?"
Quatre smiled distantly, as if remembering something pleasant.
"The best? Falling asleep in the arms of the angel."
*Flashback*
Years ago....
With a tremble in her hands, Kaori lifted the shirt away. He could feel that tremor course through her, his hands on her sides, tracing up over her ribs. His touch was light, a bare caress, a mere brush of skin on skin. Her breath tumbled out in a soft sigh at the contact, and he in turn removed her shirt, sliding it down her shoulders, where it joined her jeans, fallen on the floor, forgotten.
So slowly, she undid the button and zipper of his pants, pushing the soft fabric down. They'd been here before. Kaori had allowed him to touch her like no other human. She'd drowned out her own fears, her own demons to allow him this much, and he in turn had taught her that not all touch brought pain. That not every man was vile, drunken and sick of mind.
But this was different, Quatre thought. There was a steel under the satin of her skin, there was a glimmer in her eyes, a new sparkle to her. This was different. There would be no stopping with the soft caresses. There would be no stopping this time at mouth on skin, or hands venturing towards uncharted territory. This time was different. If they continued, Quatre would give her one thing that, despite her innocence in emotion, she could never truly give him, could never truly regain for herself*. If they continued, she would hand over the ultimate trust to him. Greater than any trust she'd given so far, she would give all of herself and finally put to rest her ghosts, finally have those cruel touches washed away, have Quatre erase every last part of what Odin Lowe had done to her.
His hands eased the bra loose, off, and her hands quested, slipping teasingly along the wiastband of his boxers. But as he moved to remove the white lace panties, he paused.
She sensed something behind his hesitation, and her dark, emotion-filled blue eyes met his own aqua ones.
"Quatre?" she questioned softly, her own hand pausing inches from where they were heading.
"Kaori.." his voice was weak as he rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes against the questions swirling in hers. His hands remained on her hips, still gripping at lace. "I... I can't," he whispered.
"You can," she urged, but her fingers remained still. "We've done this before."
"No. You... you want more than I can give right now."
She removed her hands, and Quatre opened his eyes, expecting to see hers filled with rejection and anger. But they were soft, compassionate, and maybe still a bit confused. There was a sadness there, too.
I want more than you'll ever be able to give, she thought sadly.
"So... you know?" she asked aloud. She'd known for a while. She'd noticed the way he never looked at a woman the same as he did the men. She was special. She had her own look, a special look reserved just for her and no one else, but there was still an underlying truth. Despite what they shared... despite everything she'd gone through for him...
Yet she could not hate him. No... never.
How could he break her heart, when it was already hollow- empty and shattered.
The simple truth was she needed his love more than she needed his touch. Her scars were emotional ones, one's his presence healed.
That would be enough for her.
Or so she told herself.
She wrapped her arms tightly around him in a hug.
"I love you Quatre," she whispered against his neck, pressing a kiss to the pale skin. "You know that will never ever change?"
"Love you too," he sobbed. He hated what he'd done to her... what he was doing to her. He hated himself for it. But he needed her, still. He couldn't be what she needed, he couldn't take away all of her scars... but he still loved her more than anyone.
And he stayed there in her arms all night, crying his heartache.
*End Flashback*
Trowa sat, watching the tears now falling down his patient's face.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to dreg up old memories."
The blond smiled through the tears. "It's okay. You needed to know, I guess. And I tell you now... I don't know what would happen if I ever lost her. Kaori... she's.... She's my angel."
~Owari~