"NCIS Anthropods"? "Gibbs' Bugs?"
The unmistakable sound of their friend and coworker puking caused Tony and Ziva to exchange a conspiring grin which was quickly dispelled by a head slap for each, apparently coming out of nowhere.
Meanwhile, McGee was infinitely embarrassed to be so badly affected by the sight of a squirming and wiggling population of maggots engorging in the decomposing flesh of a murder victim. After all these years, he still wasn't free of his scoleciphobia or fear for...crawly-creepy worms...or maggots.
As soon as he got home, he was seized by an uncontrollable urge to rip off his clothes and burn them. Of course that would've been quite silly and he contented himself by having a really hot and long shower. He left the bathroom pink as a piglet from the exaggerated scrubbing. It was a surprise he'd even some skin left at all!
After dinner, he just fed the plants he kept and was dismayed when, upon checking them more closely, he found them infested with aphids. Where had those come from? Anyway, he'd deal with them some other time. Right now, he was knackered and longed for his bed.
He turned off the night lamp and snuggled between the sheets with a contented sigh.
Just as he was about to drift off to dreamland, his ears picked up the annoying whine of a mosquito and he flailed his hand trying to make it go away. Soon, though, that pesky critter had invited all of its friends to a party on the human's sweet blood and the whining seemed to be increasing in volume with minuscule feet landing on those uncovered parts of his skin. His hands were swatting and slapping until, after two hours of...carrying out a witch-hunt for the pestering little blood-suckers, weariness won out.
Finally asleep.
-o0o-
Tim stirred from his slumbers to see the creature; it was Gibbs but it wasn't. It stood on its spindly legs, 4 cartons of coffee held in four arms, the other two were hitting, no swatting, a rather annoying stripped insect which was singing….."I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee" which is pretty stupid beeeeeeeecause, hey Boss that hurt, if a bee stings it dies."
"McGee, you gonna sit there all day looking at the grasshopper at your feet?" Gibbs shouted.
"Grasshopper?….cricket old boy….and did I ever tell you I was 12th man, and there I was one day looking into the distance, when I saw a ball getting bigger and bigger….and then it suddenly hit me." Dukman replied smiling.
"Frequently, and we got a murderer to find….so McGee find, that Elusive Butterfly namely Ziva David, and tell her…"
"Oh yes a song by Bob Lind, an American singer songwriter of the 1960's…" the cricket started to say, as Gibbs slapped Ducky with both of his spare hands.
"Jethro that was quite uncalled for." Ducky or was it the cricket chirped.
"Could eat you Duks." was the reply.
Tim rubbed his eyes and began to wonder if he had woken into some surreal "Alice in Wonderland" universe or was it…"Erik Or the Small Book of Insects," but who was Eric?"
"Boss where am I?" Tim now enquired looking about…..gone were the orange walls and in their place green…..and it looked like you could feel the meadow grass sway and smell the poppies and other wilderness flowers. Tim suddenly felt seasick from the movement.
-oOo-
That morning, in the squad room.
"Tony? Tony! Wake up, man! What's happened to you?" Tim questioned as he started slapping the wasp. He had to be careful, for his friend had a nasty stinger.
"Wha...?"
"He fell into a glass of fermenting juice and passed out." Ziva explained, turning this way and that to catch some sun on her spread wings.
"Oh! You're drunk! Just great!" Tim replied, testily.
"No. It's not that. I mean… Hey, man! I got hit on the head! By a walking stick!"
"Sucks, doesn't it?" Both Ziva and Tim nodded, commiserating.
"Not funny..."
Gibbs' descent and landing right behind his back, had Tony jump up with a yelp. That is, if wasps can yelp.
"What's happened to you, DiNozzo? Sharpening your skills in brown nosing? Serves you right."
"I wasn't brown nosing, Boss. Cross my heart and scout's honor and whatever..."
"That would be a first," Tim mumbled.
Tony was about to retort when a hum from the Blow Fly squad informed the team about the discovery of a dead mantis.
In no time, they buzzed off towards the crime scene.
-o0o-
As a trained investigator, Tim had observed many crime scenes. But this? No. Never seen anything like it.
Ziva was engrossed in taping an unruly inch worm around the crime scene.
Tim stared open-mouthed at the decapitated remains of the murder victim, lying in a pool of yellow blood.
"Catching flies, McGee?"
Tim jumped at Gibbs' voice. Geez! He could suddenly appear like that from out of nowhere!
He gulped and waited until his heart beat at its normal pace again before replying.
"Uhm...no. Not at all, Boss. It's just..."
"Gross, isn't it?" Jimmy piped up as he raised his eyes towards the agents who were looking down at the corpse in disgust.
"Not as gross as Gibbs' family. Many of his cousins and siblings got killed and eaten. Gibbs was one lucky bastard, you know?"
"In what way?" Tim wanted to know, in spite of himself.
"He managed to beat a retreat in time. If he hadn't, his girls would've become black widows. Needless to say, he divorced all three of them." Tony smirked.
"Three? I always was given to understand he had four wives?" Ziva raised an eyebrow.
"Ah, but that's because his first wife, Shannon, got herself killed by a homo sapiens. She was crushed. Happened so fast she never saw it coming. Didn't feel a thing, lucky for her."
Tim closed his eyes. When was he going to wake up from this nightmare? This was unquestionably the weirdest dream he'd ever had.
Ducky concluded his examination of the corpse and got up, creaking his joints in the process.
"I do believe I have all I need, now."
"What have you got, Ducks?"
"Did I ever tell you where the term 'honeymoon' originated? It actually comes from the Middle Ages, when a newly married couple was provided with enough honey wine to last for the first month of their married life."
"All very interesting, but it doesn't tell us why and how he died."
"An open and shut case of domestic violence, I'm afraid, Jethro. This poor fellow, whilst his kind can actually turn their heads, saw his own head chopped off by his mate," Ducky chirped.
Tim's eyes went to the corpse, then the head which had rolled some distance away, and back again.
This situation reminded him of another case. He'd found the head of a victim in an alley at the back of a bowling and, having put it in a paper bag as crime scene rules dictated, had all but forgotten about it. Ducky hadn't been too pleased with him, he remembered wrily.
"So, if that would be all?" And with that, Ducky excused himself and walked away, followed by the rest of the team.
"Er..." Tim started hesitantly. "Guys... About the body...do we really leave him here like that?"
Gibbs, eight feet coming to a halt, regarded his agent with his many facetted eyes.
"Sure. The CUC will take care of him. Is that a problem, McGee?
Tim shook his head, not fully understanding.
"The CUC?"
"What's happened to you, McGee? Have you been at the weet again? CUC. The Clean Up Crew. They'll make sure nothing's left of the body."
No sooner had the words left his mouth or the crew of carrion beetles had arrived.
"How fascinating..." Tim muttered.
-o0o-
Back at NCIS, they went straight for their desks – toadstools, that is – and each assumed a busy stance. All, except Tim who was covertly watching the others, still bewildered at how he'd come to be there, in this strange alternate universe dominated by insects.
Tony was polishing his sting, taking great pride in his weapon. Besides, he did strike quite an impressive figure in his brightly colored suit.
Ziva, having folded her huge rainbow colored wings, had her long...very very long!...tongue stuck in a flower. Her lunch, Tim assumed.
And Gibbs, the fierce team leader, was... No! Really? He was spinning something pretty much resembling decoration. For his homey web, maybe?
Gibbs took a sip of his coffee...and continued the spinning, although, Tim noticed, the former tidy and symmetrical pattern became increasingly messy. Aw man! The Boss really should tone down on the caffeine!
-oOo-
The ladybug was in its lair ready to pounce on any tiny aphids that may venture within striking distance. She heard the humming of wings before she could see Tim.
"Hi Timmy, and what can I do for you today?" she purred.
"I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent I just freeze at the sight of bugs."
"Hey McGrumblie, you're a bug….albeit a nice bug, you do bug people but then I love you. Buggs like fields."
"I don't…" Tim sighed.
"McGreengo, the Boss needs to see you double fast…..wing speed….thought me and Ziva were his number one wing nuts? But since you have two sets of wings and are as nuttier than a fruit cake better get a move on." Tony now wasped, "Seems like that leach and techno geek, Daniel Keating, has located the mantis at the Rock Creek Park."
Tony went on with a snort of disgust. "That little tick thinks he's the smartest with his 32 brains... Anyway, since you're the fastest, Gibbs opted to send you ahead. But don't worry, we'll be on your six, McDragqueen."
And Tim, with an annoyed frown before giving his wings a quick check, took a lift and was off, soon attaining a dazzling speed, as dragonflies can fly at speeds up to 30 miles per hour.
-o0o-
The team, after some bickering about jurisdiction with the SWAT, got the perpetrator with a well aimed hit from Tony's stinger.
Back in the bullpen, Tony and Ziva sat down at their toadstools, industriously typing away at their reports.
"McFly go and speak your toadstool," he heard the wasp hum.
"Why?" Tim asked puzzled, could it be Erik he wondered, as he flew off to his desk.
"Hello" said the toadstool.
"Hello. I have never met a speaking toadstool before." Tim said now landing on the top.
"Hey off my door." he now heard the fungi squeal. Tim jumped and watched as the hatch opened and out pop a caterpillar.
"Hello." Tim ventured shyly.
"If you say so," the caterpillar replied, now breaking off a piece of its roof and munching.
"Is that not your home?" Tim enquired looking at the Lepidoptera.
"It is, but soon I will be moving to higher ground….so to speak and will have no use for. Only use it to hide from birds…big black birds, you know the Ukranian raven Vron, or a rook, a Kruk." The creature now replied, "But hey you can land on my roof again, what are you looking for or should I say who?" as the caterpillar took another lump of roof, "Want some?" it offered Tim, who shook his head and sat down to do the report.
As soon as they'd finished, which seemed to take like forever for DiNozzo – he claimed his stinger still stung from getting a little lodged during the struggle and he'd had quite some trouble pulling it free again - they headed out to decompress.
Tim had no idea where his...special...friends were taking him, but he sure didn't like Tony's grin.
Eventually, they had arrived at...the entomological equivalent of a...restaurant? Looking around at his companions, he saw various degrees of expectation, except for Ziva. It didn't take too long to discover why she was wriggling her nose in apparent disgust, declaring she'd rather be on a sunny meadow, right now.
Seeing his friends eagerly join a party of...to Tim rather unsavory critters to... Oh no! Dear God, no way!
At the sight of their so-called dinner, he spun around and flew out of the place to toss his cookies.
Of course his escape hadn't gone unnoticed to Tony's sharp eyes and the Senior Agent dragged his reluctant friend back inside.
"You know, Probie? It's very unpolite to decline an invitation. Master Blaster...that's that bottle bee over there...wouldn't take it too kindly, so behave and at least pretend you enjoy yourself," Tony hissed.
Tim bumped into one very big caterpillar and was startled when, in reaction, the creature raised its head and inflated its chest. Quite reminiscent of a snake's head, in fact.
"What's THAT!" Tim wanted to know after he'd been quick to apologize to the big brute.
"Oh, him? We call him Mo Hawk. The kid's a Hawk Moth from Brazil."
"KID? Are you kidding? He's massive!"
"Looks deceive, Tim. He's harmless, you know? A good kid, if a bit of a glutton. Though he won't touch tonight's treat, I know. He can be a very hungry caterpillar but he's a vegetarian."
Slapping Tim on the shoulder with his left wing, he urged his friend to join the party.
The rest of the team had descended on the body, the rotting carcass of the Casu Marzu…well not descended, descended, but arrived. The blow flies and their delightful offspring were already gorging on the decaying flesh of the cheese….Tim felt nausea rising again. The offspring were throwing the gooey mess at each other and giggling.
"Boss," as Tim looked away.
"Hey, I wrap my dinner in glad-wrap, always reminds me of the P2P murders, keeps the meat fresh." Gibbs answered as he saw the dragonfly retch again, and the maggots crawl over to see the fresh dessert.
"Gibbs," Ziva shouted from the sky, "I spy Erik," as she fluttered down to land on a leaf.
There was quite an ambiance with music blaring from trumpet flowers and fireflies were swarming overhead for more illumination.
It had now become so crowded that Tim was feeling more claustrophobic by the minute and he became rather dizzy.
-o0o-
"...at the Butterfly Baaaaaaalllll..."
That was the last he heard until...
He owlishly looked around and let out a whoosh of breath when he realized with relief he was lying in his bed. His own bed!
The song was still blaring from his alarm clock and he angrily flung out his arm to make it shut up.
Scratching at some itchy bumps on his arm – damn mosquitoes! - his gaze fell upon the book lying on his nightstand.
What...?
And then he remembered. Sarah had left the book with him, telling him it was a good read. Well, for a kids' book, anyway. Truth to tell, after having worked his way half through the book, he had to admit he actually enjoyed it.
He sat up to pick up the book, turning it over to read the title as he leaned back against the head board.
Erik or the Small Book of Insects.
Oh joy! Now he was itching all over...
The END