Part One
I awoke at dawn and watched the sun as it began to rise, a beautiful transition of colours emerging across the horizon while the rest of the world still slept. I clasped my hands firmly around my mug of fresh coffee, inhaling the distinctive aroma as I stepped out into the garden, the chilly air seeping through my light dressing gown sending a surge of shivers down my spine. I could hear the birds sing in the surrounding trees and I could see the morning dew drops that lay delicately upon the grass, but no matter how hard I tried to distinguish the beautiful things in life every morning, I could still feel myself being pulled into this dark whirlwind full of sadness. With each new day that arose, the dread reared its ugly head, gradually becoming worse as I reached the point where I didn't even want to get up in the mornings. I used to be strong, fearless bar one thing, losing my control.
I grazed my fingers along the picture of their faces, closing my eyes as I hugged the frame against my chest so just for a second I could imagine that happy scene spring to my mind, untarnished until I open my eyes and realise it isn't real, not anymore. Instead it's plagued with such a raw emotion a wound that I know will never heal by itself. They say it takes time to get over a loss but as the days and months pass by the memories begin to fade and the cut becomes deeper causing even more pain and you begin to wonder how life can be so cruel. Am I bad person? Did I deserve all of this to happen to me?
I ask myself the same questions all the time, the optimism I usually had dwindling away to ashes sending me on a downward spiral. I battled ferociously at the beginning, trying to lose myself in my work, my answer to everything but how can you dive back into that passion when you have nothing left to live for? The world becomes a lonely place when you have no one left who cares. The only people who could turn my world around I had already lost and my apprehension of turning the way my mother did all those years ago became the most frightening thing of all because I knew I had lost all control of life.
Death is the only piece of control I have left.