Hi! This a brand new story, although it is my second SOA story (Since I Was Sixteen is my first).

This is a reality & daydream story.

Tara is overwhelmed with the new reality of her adult life in Charming. Jax has a child that isn't hers, he is newly divorced, both of her parents are dead, Gemma who was once the only mother she had now hates her, she has no ties to the club anymore, her friendship with Donna is almost ruined, she's not sure if Jax still loves her, her stalker has chased her all the way to Charming (Kohn isn't dead yet!), and she's starting a brand new job.

Since she's not sure where her relationship with Jax is heading, she finds herself wondering what would have been. She doesn't regret leaving, she needed to leave and become her own person, as viewers and lovers of Jax & Tara, we understand her leaving. But at this point in her life, newly returned to Charming and facing the harsh reality of what leaving did to her old friends, she's unsure what will come out of it.

Read & find out how she imagined her life if she hadn't left 11 years ago.

This first chapter sets up for chapter 2 and so on, this explains how she left, why she left and how she felt.

Set in Season 1 and will move forward. Some things in the show will not happen, and some will. I haven't decided where to take it yet.

"What would've happened, if you left with me 11 years go?" She asked, partially dreading his answer.

"What would've happened if you stayed?" He responded, full of angst, lust and heartache.

I paused, not knowing what to say. Trying to form a new relationship with him was harder now than it was in high school. "I don't know."

"Do you love me?" He asked. Of course I do, idiot! I never stopped!

"I don't know." I wanted to scream yes, that I've always loved you, that no one has made me happier. But, it wasn't that simple. I couldn't just run back to him when I got lonely. We were adults now, if we were going to start over it had to be right.

"It's a simple answer." He said.

Did he expect me to just fall back into his arms? "It's not a simple question."

"I know."

My mind was whisked away to the past, to the unknown reality of what could've been. I was lost in my own mind.

To be honest, at 19 all I wanted was to stay in Charming and become Jackson Teller's old lady. We were madly in love, the kind of love that consumed every part of your soul. We formed an unbreakable bond over the three years we dated in high school, one that ended up breaking due to our own demons, ghosts of our pasts and the ultimate fear of what our future together may hold.

As badly as I yearned to change my last name to Teller, I wasn't ready for the day when policemen showed up at my front door telling me my husband was dead. I would never be ready for that day. And no matter how much I tried to accept the lifestyle of the club, I could never get the past the girls and the boundary lines they always managed to cross. I wasn't ready to live my life according to SAMCRO's rules, but Jax was.

And I knew if I stayed, and let my personal dreams be crushed under the weight of Charming and SAMCRO, I would grow to resent him for not allowing me to follow my dreams.

I wanted to live out my dream here, and maybe if I hadn't left eleven years ago our lives would be different. Would Abel be alive? Would I have become a doctor? Would we have gotten married? Would Gemma not hate me? Would I resent the club as much as I do now? Would Jax have to do hard time in prison like Opie?

I remember his face when I told him I was leaving Charming, and him behind.

I could see his heart breaking all over his face. He was crushed, not able to understand why I couldn't stay. All he thought was that I didn't love him enough to stay.

When in reality, I loved him too much to stay and grow to resent him.

I needed to leave, to find out who I was without having Jax's SAMCRO connections. I needed to know if I really loved him. I needed to find out if I had the ability to become a doctor. And I couldn't figure all that out while being in Charming.

I tried so desperately to get him to leave with me, to leave the poison of Gemma and SAMCRO behind. He was smart enough to get into state schools, I even secretly applied for him. We were so close to leaving together, but the night I wanted to leave Clay called a full member church meeting. He was about to patch in a new prospect, tonight was another all-night party at the SAMCRO clubhouse. Jax's bags were packed, as were mine. The plan was to rent a small moving truck with our packed boxes. I drive the truck, he rides his bike behind me. We had a meeting with a landlord for an apartment in two days, and then school orientation. We had the rest of our lives planned. But, Charming ultimately won.

He told me this was his last church meeting. He was going to tell Clay tonight and we'd be on the road by 6 am tomorrow morning. He voted in the new prospect along with the rest of his brothers, then the girls and the booze piled in. He pulled Clay off to the side, to tell him he was leaving choosing a life of academics and being a law-abiding citizen. But, Clay had other plans for him.

"I know you're young, but I only have a few years left. Ten, maybe fifteen. I want you to be my VP, and take over when I can't ride anymore. This club has always been yours to take, and soon it will be. I love you, son."

And Jax was once again devoted to the club.

When he didn't come home right away, I called the clubhouse. When no one answered, I drove down there, already knew that when morning came I would be leaving Charming by myself.

I was foolish to think that I could actually get Jackson away from SAMCRO. So naïve of me.

I remember storming into the clubhouse, immediately seeing Clay pouring Jax a celebratory shot. He had no idea about our plans, Jax never told him. I saw Gemma behind the bar talking to one of the infamous croweaters. She had no idea either.

I stood by the door, arms crossed against my chest waiting for him to recognize my presence.

The look across his face was torment. He was tormented inside, trying to choose between the life path that was chosen for him before he was born of anarchy and illegal acts or the life path of taxes, 9-5 jobs & a family with me.

"Were you going to tell me?" I managed to speak as he walked closer to me, my voice already cracking.

He whisked me outside, underneath the stars. "I can't leave right now. They need me."

"I need you, Jax. But I guess you care about this club than me."

"That's not fair- this is all I've known. I'm trying to be a good enough guy for you, I'm trying my best."

He spoke again, "They need me."

I knew I wouldn't win.

I gently stroked his face, trying to memorize the way his hands felt in my hands. I looked into his eyes, trying to memorize how his eyes burned through my soul. I brushed my hand against his lips, trying to memorize how his lips kissed mine and how they felt as his lips traced my body. I stared at his boyish grin, trying to memorize how it made me weak in the knees. I was trying to memorize every feature he had, because I knew it might be the last time I would be able to call him mine.

"I love you, Jax. I always will." I confessed, starting to cry.

"I love you, too." He knew this was good-bye.

"I just can't come second anymore." He nodded, finally understanding my resentment of the club.

I walked forward, so our foreheads were touching. And feverishly pressed my lips into his, one last time. This kiss would have to last a lifetime.

"I will always love you. When I'm married with kids, when I'm 90 and dying, I will always love you. I will always be your Old Lady."

"I wish you didn't have to go."

"I'll come back to you one day," this was wishful thinking on my part. We both knew I probably wouldn't ever return. "I already miss you."

"I'll be right here, waiting." He said with his infamous smirk. We both knew he wouldn't wait for me. He would be face down in pussy in a few hours.

"Don't forget me, Teller."

"You know I couldn't do that, Tara." He said, tears forming in his eyes.

To this day, I've only seen him cry four times: once when Thomas died, once when JT died, when I left Charming and left him, and when he held Abel for the first time.

"And don't forgot who wears your crow." I kissed his cheek.

I was crying by then. I was leaving the love of my life behind. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't regret it however, I needed to get out and to become my own person. I still wish he could've left with me. I can't even count how many times I've dreamed of Jax and I married, with two kids, another on the way, posing for a Christmas card with our dog. All the times I've cried over the way our relationship ended.

All I wanted to do was hold on to his warm body forever. I didn't want to feel his arms no longer embrace me. I remember feeling my tears stain his shirt.

I remember him backing away from our hug first, knowing that I had no more courage and fight left in me. He knew at that moment that if I didn't let go, I would never leave. He was finally letting me go.

I was so thankful for that moment. He was so selfless then, choosing my happiness over his own, even though it wasn't with him.

Leaving Charming was the best and worst day of my life. I had never felt so liberated and lonely at the same time. For so long I dreamt of leaving and starting my life, and suddenly Jax was a part of that dream, and when that part of my dream didn't come true it ruined part of the liberation. I had never felt so alone in my life. In such short time, he had become my safe haven and my partner. I was alone in an unfamiliar city, with relatives I barely knew, going to school where no one knew my name, I needed his support more than ever.

As much as I wanted him to be there with me, that first year at San Diego made me so much stronger and independent. I didn't realize how much of a crutch Jax was for me until I had to be on my own. I wanted to believe that he was proud of me, for accomplishing part of my dreams, but I knew the reality was much different.

I kept thinking that one day he would ride up and try to convince me to come home. Every time the door bell rang, I was secretly hoping it was him coming to whisk me away back into his loving arms. I would flee back into his arms in a heartbeat, if only I had the chance.

I thought I would move on and let go of Jax Teller away at college, but the absence only made my love for him grow fonder. Maybe it was the loneliness or the time alone that made me appreciate our relationship. I knew that if I heard his voice over the phone I would be on the first bus back to Charming, and that would ruin the whole point of me leaving. I left him and Charming, and I had to make good on my promises. But, I missed him and I missed his love. So I began to write.

At first, I had no intention of mailing them. It was a way for me to express my feelings, for me to really understand what I felt and what I wanted. I remember feeling confused in the beginning of my years in San Diego; I was lost and heartbroken. Studying helped, but at nights I could still remember the way he would cradle my body against his as we fell asleep together. I would start to cry as I came to remember his scent and mostly successful horny tricks.

I eventually decided to mail the letters, so he could finally realize why I left, how I felt about his family and mine, and for him to comprehend how much I actually loved him.

I wrote the first letter to Jax a week after I left, but mailed it three months afterward.

My Jax,

I know that it's over between us now.

My mind understands why, but I can't get my heart to agree. The logical reasons are there, but the heart wants what it wants.

My bed feels so empty without you in it. I should really try to get used to that feeling – of you not loving me anymore. I promise I'll try my best.

When you think of Pearl Jam, I hope you think of my favorite song, the one we danced to all night long

When you think of happiness, I hope you think of me wanting your crow tattooed on my skin.

When you think of happiness, I hope you think of my head on your chest and me wearing your old SAMCRO t-shirts.

Someday, you'll turn your radio on and it will take you to that place of you and me.

Jackson, when you think of happiness, I hope you think of me.

Please forgive me.

Always yours,

Tara

Saying I love you would've been too personal. I remember crying while writing that first letter. My heart was in shambles. By the end of the letter, I was ready to go home to Charming, where I belonged, with Jax. I just wanted him to be happy.

If I had known that Gemma confiscated all of the letters, I probably would've stopped writing. They soothed my soul, and helped cure me of heartache and pain. I was writing down the feelings I didn't have the ability to say. I didn't want him to think me leaving meant I didn't love him.

And to this day I don't think Gemma has given them to him, but one day he will read them. And on that day, he will finally realize how my capacity of loving him was infinite.

I still have a box of the unsent letters in my closet. Some of those were too personal, they included all the pain I felt over my dad, the physical and emotional abuse that I endured from Kohn, how I almost failed my first college class.

His words brought me out of my daydreams and back into reality, "I'm gonna go. Goodnight, Tara."

He kissed my cheek, and then he was gone.

But if I knew anything at all about Jackson Teller, if he really loved me, he would come back, eventually.

He left me with so many questions: what does our future hold? Does he still love me? Do I love him? Duh. Did he ever forgive me for leaving? Did he see a future with me? How long did he want to stay in the club?

I was heartbroken over the way Charming had changed and yet remained the same over these eleven years. Jax had gotten married, and had a child. I always dreamed he would, with me.

I was crying now. I imagined our wedding days for months, once I got his crow I knew he envisioned a future together. Did we even have a future now?

I was so lost, that I began to imagine my own….