I wanted to write short one-shots that would eventually form a longer story. I'm not entirely sure about the bigger picture yet, so feedback is appreciated :)
The Self-Destruct Button
Sometimes you wish you'd have a self-destruct button on you. That way, when everything's fucked up, you could just let it go. Push the button. Close your eyes. Let it go. Never have to deal with anything again. When the pressure gets to you, push the button. When you're too afraid to wait for the future to screw you over, push the button. When you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, panting and your heart beating the crap out of you, push the button. And the nights that you can't sleep at all, although you haven't slept in ages and you desperately want to sleep, need to sleep but can't… Push the button.
"Mr. Baum, wake up!" The sound of Mrs. Evans voice is sharp and it hits your brain knocking your cortex unconscious. I'm thinking she must have years of practice.
Snapping to reality, I have no idea what time it is. This is you, drooling in front of the class. Now, all eyes on me. I'm trying to get myself together. The desk jerks and makes a squeaky sound. The back row must be up to speed right now.
You know, for a while after waking up, you're disorientated. Maybe you don't know where you are. Maybe the concept of time is lost on you. You see the clock, you see the hands pointing numbers but you're a five-year-old who can't connect the dots. That's waking up from delta sleep. The stage three or four, the last phase of sleep.
What the teacher is saying right now, I know the words but they add up to jibberish.
I know where I am though. This is English literature, 3rd floor, right after lunch. Right after two cheese sandwiches. Right after a coca cola. It still tastes the same it did seven years ago. But on this side of the Y2K, everything is 'zero' now. Zero sugar, zero calories, zero nutritional value.
And yes, the concept of time is lost on me, but that's nothing new. Try time-traveling through a couple of years and you'd be confused too. It does things like that to a person. Try it, I dare you.
The whole class listening, I'm blushing and thinking something clever to say. Save myself. I wouldn't get out of trouble but at least I wouldn't look like such an idiot. Which is probably too late.
People around me swallowing their laughter. Definitely too late.
Right now, I'm the new kid again. Standing in front of the class, embarrassed and scared. Being introduced with a name that is not mine. Already eyeing for an unoccupied desk while being weighed and measured by the crowd in front of me. Being examined piece by piece. Every bruise and stain analyzed and noted.
She's articulating her words like she is talking to a child. Telling a child off to the naughty corner. She's really addressing the class, not me. Definitely years of practice.
People around me throw sneery glances. I wished the ground would swallow me right now.
I can't open my mouth to save me.
She says, "Let me brief you."
I'm thinking what would Derek do. Or mom. I'm thinking it's such a cliché that everything is supposed to change after high school. That it gets better. They say, don't worry. Just wait and see.
Only I know the world as we know it will end. So technically no, it doesn't get any better. This right now, is as good as it gets. How motivating.
She says, "Had you attended any of the previous classes, or been at least awake when you decide to show up, you'd know that this class has been looking into American poets. We, all of us here, have been educating ourselves. May I ask you what you have been doing, Mr. Baum?"
People struggling not to laugh out loud. The German have a word for it: Schadenfreude. Taking pleasure of the misfortune of others. Getting humiliated in front of your peers.
What have I been doing? The things that come to mind are the things I shouldn't say.
The German have a word for it: Fehlleistung. When you think you're saying something along the lines 'I've been busy researching the declaration of human rights where it says that no man should be subjected to degrading treatment' but instead of that you say 'fighting robots'.
In my head I'm telling myself, don't say chasing bad guys. Don't say cyborgs. Don't say stopping computer program taking over the world.
If you can't tell the truth, maybe it's better to be quiet. Right now, I'm doing excellent job at that.
And I'm thinking the German have a lot of words.
And I'm thinking evolution and Darwinism. Whether it is possible to develop a self-destruct button over the next millenium. Like an extra arm.
And then I'm thinking, we don't really need to grow one. Jump a couple of years to the future, and we've already found a way to get ourselves destroyed.
I know they're rolling their eyes right now. What a retard.
Just close your eyes. Push the button.
She's saying I won't pass this course. No way.
I say, like it matters.
She's saying detention. My after school special.
In my head, I push the button twice.