"Breath… Just breathe." Anakin mentally tried to calm himself, and not because of the storm of laser bullets flying around him like electrons around an atom, but because he was very, very angry. As a result, he attempted to take the detrimental distraction and channel it into his performance. He would not let his anger compromise the mission and instead used it to his advantage, slashing the group of droids firing at him into halves and pieces with a couple easy swipes of his lightsaber. However, an army's worth of droid slashing wouldn't quell the true heat of his emotions, he knew, and he couldn't wait until the mission was over so he could confront the true source of the fire that kept him blazing down the ship's long corridor through droid after disposable droid.
Anakin didn't stop to pause for a moment when he reached the chamber door, and he burst inside to do business with the nastiest general of the Imperial army… "General Grievous," Anakin greeted, his determination strong in his voice. He eyed the cyborg warily as he slowly clanked his way up the metal steps.
"Skywalker," Grievous returned with a sly chuckle. "So nice of you to visit. Killing your troops can be so… monotonous at times. I'm sure killing you will be far more entertaining."
"Yes… It's a shame our negotiations must always turn aggressive. Fighting you is even more boring than talking with you." Anakin carefully positioned himself for attack, and upon his lofty pounce of the General, a tumultuous battle ensued between nimble Anakin and the bulky cyborg.
Meanwhile, on the landing deck of the Republic ship responsible for transporting them here, the match that had lit Anakin's fuse earlier in the mission was pacing nervously in front of the yellow fighter she had flown back. As Anakin's padawan, Ahsoka Tanno was used to getting into trouble, but it was not often serious, and most of the time her master was getting into trouble right along with her. This time however, she knew she had done something terrible, and the pacing only seemed to agitate the fear that manifested itself deep in her nauseated stomach.
A part of Ahsoka's mind knew that her actions had been less than wise, even if she didn't want to admit it. After all, she had been successful in the key part of the mission. She had withheld the ship's communications as instructed, and coordinated all the troops to the appropriate positions… Then, she let her desire to prove herself overstep its tight little boundaries and abandoned her position. She felt horrible, knowing she had left everyone vulnerable, even if she did end up rescuing the droid that had brought all of them here in the first place.
It was wrong to abandon position during a mission. Ahsoka knew that, but she told herself that allowances are always made for a chance of success. The real crime, she knew, was abandoning the command of her master and disregarding his direct authority in order to act on her own. Not only was it against mission protocol… It was against his protocol, and it was that fact that had settled so unpleasantly in her stomach.
While Anakin couldn't wait to leave the mission as he battled Grievous in frenzy, his padawan wished (for the first time) that the mission would take a very long time. 'At least long enough for him to cool down,' she thought to herself. 'Maybe he won't even care by the time he gets back.' Unfortunately for Ahsoka, however, the mission was over with quickly when Grievous indulged his cowardice, abandoning his own ship, and Anakin barely managed escape on a fighter before it enacted a self-destruct command.
As Anakin flew the small distance through a starlit space that was now scattered with debris, he chewed on all that had happened… The taste was all kinds of bitter. He felt undermined and disregarded, and he essentially had been. While he had always privately appreciated how Ahsoka was known to challenge rules and push limits, there was something particularly unsettling about having it done so blatantly, when her life itself was at risk. It had caused him to misstep, to completely lose concentration on the mission in order to find her, and that was something he could not have. The feeling that she had put herself in so much danger, that he might not find her, that he couldn't trust her… It took a good bit of the substance from him, and it left him feeling resentful after the fact.
"She's gone too far this time," he said to himself, deciding then that he would have to ensure she knew just how far. It wasn't easy for Anakin, even in anger, to instruct Ahsoka by force, or to mete out consequences, nor was it easy now. While his legendary temper and strictness in certain areas could fool Ahsoka, he truly hated being Master when it meant being a disciplinarian. He liked to keep the wall of authority just short enough to walk the edge with Ahsoka rather than keep up a barrier, but discipline always added a little height to that wall, and the resulting distance was something he despised.
Maybe he wasn't mature enough to handle being a solid authority figure, and maybe it was his youthful nature that simply wasn't ready to accept the responsibility, but overall he did try. He wanted to do things right, not just as a Jedi Master, but as a guardian, a friend, and a mentor for his young padawan. He had grown, not just to "care deeply" as was often said of masters for their padawans, but to love Ahsoka as a sister. He gave freely of his emotions and took freely of them too. The bond they both shared was unlike others of their kind because their situation was unique. They were both closer in age than others, both unusually promoted for the role, and their characters were similar, both being passionate and a little wild.
It was unfortunately the exceptionality of Anakin and Ahsoka's relationship that often got them both into trouble. This time the trouble was too obvious to ignore or easily forgive, and it had seriously jeopardized a mission and the safety of several republic soldiers. Anakin knew he would be questioned and criticized about why Ahsoka hadn't stayed in the command station to continue her part of the mission. Had he been unclear in his instructions or had she simply disobeyed? Having to confirm the truth to the council's watchful and judging eyes was going to be just as hard, if not harder, for him than for Ahsoka.
The last thing Anakin wanted was interference in their relationship, and the very next last thing he wanted was for the council to question his suitability as Ahsoka's master. It could set everything back, including his current standing with the council, and it would be difficult to work his way back up and prove himself worthy of both his current position and the higher positions he was always aiming for. Worst of all for Anakin, in the soft and passionate parts that traded and fed off of emotions, was that it could be detrimental to one of the most important relationships in Anakin's life.
Anakin landed on the Republic ship with all of these thoughts and feelings swimming in his mind, and he was instantly struck with the chaotic stirring of Ahsoka's own emotions about the event. He couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for her that moment, nor could he help feeling a bit glad that she was nearly just as upset about the situation as he was. He had already made the decision to discipline her, although he wasn't exactly sure how yet, and he put on the aura of a disciplinarian as he briskly paced over to his nervous padawan.
Regardless of how Anakin felt at heart, he did have the power of manifesting his anger externally in the lines of his face and the rigidness of his stance as he towered over Ahsoka. He put the fear of God in her sometimes and it always shored up any saucy behavior, at least for a little while. It didn't take much to subdue her when she knew he was really angry.
He looked down at her now, and she stared back up at him with the posture of one who was guilty. He was glad she was there and that she was safe, but he still felt the blight of her actions as if he'd received a fresh blow to his stomach. The fear and the anxiety and the insult of it all come flooding back to him and could only be translated at that moment to extreme anger. The emotion, as always, began to form itself around his features, and Ahsoka suddenly felt a little smaller at his fierceness. With the familiar fear of God sloshing around her insides, all she could bring herself to do was apologize.
"Master," Ahsoka began contritely, "I know I've done wrong, and I'm sorry for it. Please, don't be angry."
Anakin narrowed his eyes at his padawan and crossed his arms. "Too late, Ahsoka Tanno. You've made me very, very angry." Anakin knew he was being harsh, and he took note of Ahsoka's anxious expression. At the moment, he didn't care if he frightened her. 'Fear will be good for her,' he thought. 'She deserves it.'
Ahsoka bit her lip, trying not to be intimidated by her Master's tense glare. "What do I need to do to make you understand the phrase 'apology accepted'? Is that even in your vocabulary?"
Anakin, still angry and ready (at least the angry part was) to act on his earlier decision, sighed frustratingly and dropped his arms. He sensed the intensity of her fear and regret, and he also sensed how she masked it with rebellion. "I accept your apology Snips, but I don't accept your behavior. You're not going to get away with it." He marked the statement by pointing a finger at her, hoping to convince her he really meant it this time, even if deep down he was full of his own fear and doubtful about exactly how to proceed.
In appropriate response, Ahsoka backed away a half of a step, but it was the only breach of her control. Although she had already given way to contrition, another side of her didn't want to give her master the satisfaction of fear. The snub she felt by his coldness only fueled her anger more, and the internal conflict rose to a point that made Ahsoka almost burst.
Anakin took a moment to analyze his padawan instead of rashly giving way to his desires to make her pay for her errors. He felt the tension she was releasing and was sharply reminded of his own feelings as a padawan. He remembered disobeying his master at her age, too often trying to prove himself and coming just short of success. He remembered how he regretted those exploits that always disappointed his master and left him feeling inadequate, vulnerable, and childish.
Obi-Wan had always been patient and understanding with him, even in correction, and this only caused a deeper sense of remorse. Anakin was too stubborn to admit the truth outwardly, however, often keeping the feelings shielded by a shell of anger and rebellion. These memories flooded him with sympathy for his wayward padawan, and he suddenly realized that he now knew something of what his own master had gone through. He also remembered what his own master had done to answer his behavior, and with that thought, Anakin quickly steeled himself to handle the present situation in a rational manner.
"Do you think you deserve to be punished for what you've done today?" He asked her gently, hoping to get a calm reply. It was a reasonable question, after all. Ahsoka was silent for a moment, as if debating her response, and then she narrowed her eyes and stiffened her stance. Anakin could tell she was going to make things difficult, and he silently pleaded to the Force that it wouldn't be too difficult.
"For what?" she snapped back saucily. "For assisting you, ensuring the success of the mission, and saving that droid? How the Force do you know you'd have completed this with that kind of success if I had followed your 'orders', which are only designed to inhibit me, and I hadn't left the station to secure the droid? Why do you always leave me out of things? No, I don't think so. How can you laud freedom and then punish me for exercising it?"
"Ahsoka," Anakin returned sternly, "It would be wise to watch how you speak to me right now. I'm not exactly pleased, and my patience is wearing thin. First of all, what I do is not to 'inhibit' you, but is in fact to do the opposite. If I don't protect you before you know what you're doing, you might not even be alive when you're old enough to be the independent Jedi you want to be so badly. It takes a lot of time and discipline that you haven't learned yet to get there. It's my job to teach you, and it's yours to listen. If your understanding of freedom was logical, than children would be telling their parents what to do, students telling their teachers what to do, and soldiers telling their general what to do. Padawans telling their masters what to do... It simply doesn't work."
In response to her master's speech, Ahsoka felt her anger rise in a way she could not control, and the caustic substance came foaming up from her insides and bubbling out of her lips. "I'm not a child!" Her response bellowed out and seemed to take both of them by surprise, but only for a brief second before Ahsoka, with new found courage, stood tall in an attempt to meet her master's height as she continued. "When are you going to realize that? I can handle myself. I don't need you to tell me what to do."
Anakin put a hand on his chin and peered down at her thoughtfully. "What would you have me do?" he said, and the question was not rhetorical. "If you don't need me than tell me what you can do without. Explain to me what I'm doing wrong."
Ahsoka was taken aback by this question. "Well... I'd have you give me more freedom over my own decisions. I want to be free to take more risks. To... To..."
"To prove yourself," Anakin knowingly finished for her.
"Not exactly," Ahsoka whispered, unwilling to admit her thought. There was nothing else to say. She knew that all in all she had a very fair and caring master, and she knew that his protective nature was part of that. At the moment though, she wanted to take his protective nature and throw it back in his face whether he deserved it or not.
Anakin let go of the resentment he had held against Ahsoka before, but tried not to let it soften him too much. Ahsoka was young and inexperienced and known for pushing limits. While Anakin had tried to maintain enough discipline in their relationship to keep his padawan at his side and out of danger, he knew there was no guaranteeing her perfect obedience. Since he truly hadn't been the strongest of authority figures with her, it was only natural that she would want to push more limits, to see what he was really made of.
Anakin knew all too well how proving oneself to one's master seemed like the perfect stepping stone to independence and to be on equal footing with the one who dictated your every step. He valued freedom and tried make sure Ahsoka had it, but only up to a point. He could be strict, more so than masters known for having the quality, when it came to her safety. He cared for her too deeply to allow her to put herself in situations that might prove too risky, no matter what the learning experience. The same thing was happening now, and he wanted her to see that there were alternatives. It was a lesson he even still sometimes struggled with: obedience is far more convincing of maturity and readiness than making rash decisions that put others at risk just to prove it can be done.
"Ahsoka..." Anakin began after establishing some peace for the internal waves of his emotions. "I understand what you're feeling," he said honestly. "Every padawan thinks this way at your age, but you're simply not ready. You need to learn to trust the people who have already been where you are right now. I made it, and I know you can too. Unfortunately you don't know everything, and even though it's annoying to not be in control, pretty soon having the responsibility of yourself will be extremely overwhelming. I know you're not ready for that yet. Again, it's my job as your master to help you get there the right way, in the right time, whether you want me to or not."
Ahsoka looked to the ground, suddenly feeling ashamed. She didn't like the insignificance she felt at being compared to every padawan "her age". She didn't like hearing the truth in her master's speech. It hurt her... It insulted her. She thought on his words and felt particularly drawn to one statement. 'I made it, and you can too' she repeated mentally.
Her master was drawing a parallel between himself and her. She realized very suddenly that he did understand her actions, and that he cared enough to tell her so. He could often be difficult to read and contradictory in his allowances and restrictions, but the truth about how much he cared was embedded in those very things. He was interested in everything she had to offer and held almost nothing back, even to the point of changing his own rules at her petition. He was special in that way… They were special in that way… And she had broken the one thing he demanded absolutely from her by putting herself in danger. She felt extremely foolish for her earlier outburst about how she didn't need him, and regret again found its way to her.
Anakin could tell by her silence that he was beginning to get through. He gently took hold of her chin and guided her gaze back up to his own. "Snips, you know I love you, right?" Ahsoka nodded sadly, afraid that her voice would sound weak. "I didn't mean to be so angry earlier, but I don't like it when you put yourself in harm's way when I went through specific trouble to keep you safe. If you say that you're sorry though, I promise I do believe you, and it does mean something to me. However, that doesn't mean that your actions weren't wrong and that they shouldn't be acknowledged. Do you understand?"
He looked at her firmly, but not with the coldness he had displayed before. Ahsoka thought she might start wobbling with the emotion she was trying so hard to hold in. "Yes, Master," she whispered.
"Now, I'm going to ask you again, and I want you to answer me thoughtfully and truthfully. Do you think you should be punished for the stunt you pulled today? For disobeying my orders by leaving the compartment when I expressly told you not to, and for continuing throughout the mission to ignore my commands and guidance. For breaking the trust and respect we have always shared as Padawan and Master..."
"Okay, okay... You're really laying it on thick."
"Just answer the question." Anakin maintained a certain level of sternness as he held her gaze, all the while sensing and searching her feelings.
Ahsoka was slightly annoyed at the way he put things and felt that this humiliation was punishment enough. She thought it was almost cruel of him to ask her to choose punishment, and she wanted to give him an earful on the subject. The foolish remarks of before kept her in check though, and she began to wonder what his reasons were for the question.
He could easily just punish her if wanted to, and it wasn't as if he hadn't before. He had taken her in hand a couple times when she was younger... She had tested him to a certain limit, and he had lost his temper. Something was different here though... He was being patient, giving her a chance to say, "no, I don't think I deserve it." She wondered why...
What would he say, or do, if she repeated herself simply more thoughtfully this time and told him no? Would he react angrily? Ahsoka knew there was a greater purpose to his question. Her master was intelligent, and he knew her well enough to get what he wanted out of her. 'That's it,' she thought. 'He's testing me.'
He wanted to see if she could acknowledge her mistake, and if she would accept what she needed to teach her the lesson she needed to learn. He wanted her to trust him enough to submit to his chastisement. He wanted her to make a mature, calculated choice. It was a choice that was not what she wanted but what she needed. He was giving her an opportunity to prove herself by making a wise decision.
Ahsoka sighed, both pleased and saddened by this realization. She took a deep breath and searched for her bravery. "Yes, Master. I do deserve to be punished for what I did today. It was wrong, and foolish, and I realize now that I haven't learned yet what I need to equal you. I do respect you and what you have to teach me."
Anakin half-smiled and gripped her reassuringly. "Very good, Ahsoka. I'm proud of you."
Although Ahsoka couldn't be more pleased by her critical master's sudden praise, she also maintained the contrary feelings of doubtful fear and anxiety for resigning herself to something that would break her. Hearing the statement "I'm proud of you" was never something to take lightly, and Ahsoka valued it from the deepest parts of her love and respect for her master. However, with that pride came his price by her consequences, which she now felt obligated both to receive and submit to. She wasn't about to plead for mercy, and she knew that now was the time to cling to her resolve even if she felt weak in the knees and very sick to her stomach.
Anakin frowned, realizing he was just as anxious as she was, and it would not do for her to know. "You're very worried now, Ahsoka," he said softly. "I can tell. I'd say that it's not too late change your mind, but even if you did, there's really nothing you can do to change this course of events."
"Really? Blast. I was hoping to maybe get off easy for picking the right answer." She peered up at him with wide, glossy eyes and it was obvious to Anakin that she was still searching for some way to work him out of whatever punishment he planned to give her.
"Oh, Ahsoka..." Anakin sighed. "What am I going to do with you?"
"You haven't figured that out yet? Maybe there's still hope." She smiled, playing off her master's amusement.
"I'm afraid not, Snips," Anakin answered solidly. "It's time to face up, and be the brave and responsible padawan I know you can be, and take your medicine."
"Which medicine would that be?"
Anakin chuckled weakly, both amused and disheartened at his padawan's playful nature. He loved that about her, and he hated to silence her in such a way as to belittle or halter it. Unfortunately though it was that springy nature that got them both into trouble, and he knew through experience that if he didn't take the time to check it himself, she would never learn how to check her own behavior and not take things too far. It was time to put action behind the threats and establish some real solidity in his authority. Anakin took a deep breath and steeled himself, once again, for what he was about to do.