When We Read the Fan Fiction
Summary: The characters of A:TLA comment on what they've found so far on fan fiction sites, refuting what many people think and letting the truth be known.
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: the Last Airbender. After reading this, you'll find out why.
Author's Note: Hello everyone! Another quick fic to shake the ages. As the title suggests, this will be comical, funny, hilarious, and all those good things in between. I also hope the fumbling majority will find refuge in this fic, and maybe even rethink a few of your own fictions.
I may be a little biased but I hope that doesn't show too much. I hope you get a chuckle or two out of it, and not say (like I know some of you will) "LIKE OMG HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT ABOUT (insert character here)?! This is meant to be funny, and I hope it shows.
I should also mention that this is my first swing at comedy, so remember to review.
There's a huge thing this fic relies on: Y-O-U. I need to know if it is okay to include characters from your fictions into this one, or just the fiction's theme altogether. I will not take Mary Sues and use them without asking. I'm not too fond of Mary Sues anyway but if I need them I will use them (mostly, I will poke fun at all ships and spoofs and other things like that. This fic is funny, remember?)
Review with your opinions (and please tell me if you laughed or not)!!
-ScorpioRed112 (A.K.A. The Fic Shrink)
The Victims Gather
I didn't know where to start, or how to force all of these different people into one another. I was ready for some tears and for some regrets, but most of all I wanted the truth.
Any fiction reader can take a gander at any fan fiction site and get misled right away. It's easy to say that some relationships (or "ships", for those of you new at this) are more popular than others. Take a look at "Zutara" (which is short for Zuko and Katara's relationship...if it can even be called that). Now, this ship is quite popular but the chances of it happening in the actual show are so very slim! No matter, I know you are excited so let's keep going.
I found a warehouse and set it up nice and fancy, put couches and tables and pitchers of water—set up rooms and waiting rooms and restrooms. I know you're going to laugh but I wanted this place to be comfortable. I mean, imagine if everyday millions of kids around the globe wrote fictions about you every other day or so! The thought is not only horrifying but also sickening.
When I though the place was ready I started mailing the characters. They were reluctant.
Dear Zuko,
I know you have no idea who I am but I would really like to help you! Ships are a terrible thing that can happen to any character, and I know that this stage of your life has been both difficult and mind numbing. Please write back and come to my gathering!
-Your friendly neighborhood Fic Shrink
Now isn't that a pleasant letter? I thought it would yield an equally pleasant response; instead I got:
Whoever the hell you are,
I don't need your help and I don't want it. I'm not replying to anymore of your useless letters. Stop stalking me.
He didn't even sign it! Eventually I got Zuko to join by changing my choice of words.
Prince Zuko,
Your presence is requested in Lord Ozai's Court. Your banishment has been lifted. Please come to the attached address to receive further information.
-Fire Nation Council
Needless to say, he came running after that. But he isn't all that important. Getting Katara to join was about a hundred times as bad.
Dear Katara,
I know you've been a victim of some awful ships and horrid crossovers. I would love to help you overcome these unpleasant happenings. Please use the attached address for replying.
-Your friendly neighborhood Fic Shrink
Katara wouldn't even reply! I assumed that she disregarded any (fan) mail she received. After about 12 letters or so, I just came up to her in person and used all persuasion techniques possible (including some lying) to get her to come.
They gathered grandly. Zuko and Iroh arrived first, than Katara, Sokka, Toph, and Aang, and then about 7 fiction Mary Sues (all of whom were dismissed immediately).
As much as I didn't want to, I made them sign contracts. I know, I know...stupid idea, right? Well, I didn't want something horrible happening. This is how one of the contracts looked like:
After meeting with the Fic Shrink, I promise not to:
1. Attack enemies that I know on the show, or hurt people beacuse they are part of the Fire Nation, Earth Kingdom, Water Tribes, etc...
2. Dismiss anyone from the meeting using force, fists, etc...
3. Destory any of the Fic Shrink's property with bending or any form of violence, like coffee tables, chairs, beds, walls, etc...
4. Blame the Fic Shrink for damages done to my body by anyone else, sue the Fic Shrink, or leave without being dismissed.
5. I WILL answer all of the Fic Shrink's questions, treat the Fic Shrink with respect, as well as my fellow foes/friends, and let the truth be known.
They eached signed an individual contract, then assembled around the coffee table, on the couches, and were silent. Then the first meeting began.
My original plans had been to start off with one of the most blaring ships: Zutara. And as I've told you before this is a wildly popular ship. And it also collides with another one: KatAang (or Katara and Aang).
"Well, hello everyone!" I went around the table and shook their hands. "My name is Dr. A. Shrink, and my specialty is dealing with embarrassing or annoying ships, commentaries, fictions, stuff like that. So, how is everybody feeling tonight? Ready to get some stuff off our chests?" My opening line.
No answer: complete silence, shifting of eyes.
"OK...let's start by introducing our selves, shall we? Prince Zuko, would you mind going first?"
"How the hell are you supposed to be a doctor? You're no older than I am!" Then he scowled at me.
He was right. I was actually a self-proclaimed doctor, and so I pulled out my self-proclaimed certificate.
"Hmn. That's all a good pile of rubbish right there, sir," I said. "If I wasn't a doctor, would I have this?" I pointed to the false certificate. Aang and the rest blinked, and believed it.
Oh God this was hard! Now that that was out of the way, how was I going to get them to confess things? I had an idea.
"Now, I know that this is difficult. Hmn...let's start with what I wanted to start with." I turned to Zuko. "How does 'Zutara' make you feel, Zuko?"
Finally, a response! His eyes narrowed. "Sick to my stomach."
"Well!" Katara's voice rang loud and from the other side of the room. She crossed her arms. "Me too!"
This was simply remarkable. I nearly exploded.
"Katara, have anything to say?" I started taking notes, which I have outlined for you in the following pages.
Katara: Yeah, um. First of all, it's not like I approved of that...Zutara.
Zuko: -standing up- I never said you did. It's just disgusting.
Katara: -also standing up- What are you saying? It IS disgusting!
Z: I seriously don't have time for this. –heading for door-
K: What, so he can just leave? –also heading for door-
Aang: -standing up and blocking door- Guys, we have to stay for at least twenty minutes, remember?
Z: Who made you the boss, you bald little brat.
K: What did you say to him?!
The notes stopped after that.
"Hey, hey...let's all take a deep breath and start over, okay? Remember, you have to stay at least twenty minutes."
"You aren't paying me enough for this," remarked Sokka.
"Well." But then I had an idea. I was mainly discussing Katara, Zuko, and Aang. The presence of these other characters was by no means necessary. "Sokka, Iroh, and Toph, you guys can leave—sit in the waiting room if you'd like."
Their smiles spread wide, they left the meeting. "How come they get to leave?" Katara asked me immediately. "We don't need any help, anyway. I don't even understand why we're here!"
"Me neither," Aang retorted.
"Guys, let me introduce you to a little thing I call, 'the Internet.'" And so as I took out my laptop I saw the distressed faces of those poor souls as they gathered around me. With horror-struck eyes they read the rambling excess of fan fiction that plagued the Internet sites.
How frightened they were! How simply and plainly frightened! For the first time throughout the meeting I felt as though I was finally getting a true blue response.
"Oh...my...God..." Katara whispered. "Oh...my...G—"
"What the hell is this? Who writes this shit?" Zuko stormed away from the screen.
"How come they all think I'm a little kid? It's like Zuko is the main character or something." Aang had obviously been introduced to new dimensions of a male/female relationship, because he was blaring red and fidgety and frightened after reading.
They began another parade of comments. And so I pulled out my notebook and began taking notes again (mostly for you, remember), so excited I nearly cried.
K: -shaking head- Oh my God...Oh my God...
A: I seriously need to have a chat with the board.
K: -still shaking head- Oh my God...
Z: Stop acting like you've never seen this before! You know that people write about us all the time!
A: Well it's not fair that I'm suddenly the little kid.
K: -standing up and pointing to Zuko- EXCUSE ME?! I'm the one that gets paired with –pointing to Zuko- that!
Z: -also standing up- Like I'm happy about this arrangement!
K: You would be! Disgusting scum!
Z: -enraged- What did you say?!
A: -looking at clock- Our twenty minutes are almost up. Let's not fight.
Z: You didn't even mention half the stuff they wrote about –pointing to Aang- that! It's like you don't mind the whole other end of the spectrum.
A: Hey, at least KatAang is possible.
K: -turning to Aang- What?! It is not possible!
(Sudden silence)
A: It's...not?
K: No! No of course it's not possible.
(Sudden silence)
Z: Stupid peasant! Can't you see he likes you?
(Sudden silence)
The notes ended abruptly as I interfered. "OK, I don't think this is working out too well. Katara, who do you want to end up with?"
Katara's face was as red as...I don't really know. Any sort of super red thing, like an apple maybe, or a cherry, or blood, or a mixture of the three. And she rubbed her arm in a slow and uncomfortable matter and sat down.
She didn't answer.
"Fine. Aang, how about you?"
Suddenly he was red too.
"Zuko?"
"No one."
"Reeeeeally?" I asked. "Really you don't? Not even Mai?"
"Who the hell is Mai?" His voice was as cold as anything. He glared. "How do you even know about her?"
Let me pause and tell you that I do not care much for Zuko or Mai—and that, frankly, I just dislike the Fire Nation all together. But this was a time of Zutara and KatAang, so I didn't ask or prod Zuko to go on. Maybe on some other day, I would ask him.
"Stop being such a jackass," Katara called, and then she turned to me. "Why don't you just accept the fact that he's hopeless and let him leave?"
Now this was a big step because at first I thought they had all wanted to leave. Now it seemed that they wanted to stay. I became terribly excited.
"Katara, let me ask you this one thing," I said. "Do you think KatAang is possible?"
She blinked. "Hmn—how can it—ever be possible?"
Aang, who looked utterly and completely destroyed inside, looked up. "How about you, Aang? Do you think KatAang is possible?"
He began chewing on his lips. "Well...well, I had thought that it was possible." In a defeated voice he asked, "Katara...why isn't it possible?"
"Oh!" Katara shot up like a bullet. "Oh! Why are you doing this to us? We were perfectly happy before!"
"I think the kid asked you a question," Zuko stated, smiling like the devil.
"Shut your face!" Katara screamed.
I asked Zuko if he would kindly move to the waiting room with his uncle since the conversation had flipped. And he left immediately and I heard the screen door slam shut.
"Well," I said. "Why don't you answer Aang's question?"
"Oh..." Miserably Katara began rubbing her temples, sighing. "Oh...I just don't know."
Aang, whose eyes were (I swear) moist, blinked a few times. "You...would rather be with someone older, wouldn't you?"
They began a conversation and I took out my pen and smiled broadly.
K: No...no it's not that at all.
A: Than what is it?
K: It's just that I've grown so used to you...as a brother, almost.
A: -shaking head- You know that's not true.
(Sudden silence)
A: Well what is it?
K: I don't really know. Maybe it is because you're so young.
A: I knew it! What am I supposed to do about my age, Katara? Huh? It's not like I picked how old I was going to be! I thought you...you...
K: I know—I know it's just that—
A: No forget it!
(Sudden silence)
K: -lifting hand- Aang—
A: Just forget it.
They stopped talking, and I was worried.
"Katara, if Aang was your age or Sokka's age, would it make a difference?" I put the pen away.
"No...no, just..."
I saw that we were not making progress and that Aang was getting "aangry" (It's a pun, see? "aang" and then..ok, I think you get it). I didn't want to be responsible for his depression. "Katara," I said. "I know you have a thing for that Avatar sitting next to you. And it shows so blatantly that it's impossible to miss."
She grew terribly nervous—all red, and fidgety, and moving her knees up and down like an engine. "It's true, isn't it?" When she didn't answer, I told her she can go in the waiting room if she'd like, and she bolted out the door.
Now it was just the Avatar and I. Happily, I moved close to him.
"Aang, you are dealing with a very difficult species of human: girls."
He jutted his lower lip as forward as it would go and stared at me as if I were the cause of all his problems. "I already think I learned about 'girls' from that Internet of yours."
I laughed nervously. "Listen, Katara's just a girl and just human. And I can tell you from experience—us girls, well, we don't like to come right out and say we love something." I paused for him. "Some times we love something in a different kind of way. We're a bit more complicated than that."
He blinked, as if this did not matter and as if Katara was the exception. She should have hugged him and kissed him and told him she loves him to his face. "Is my twenty minutes up?" He stood.
Sighing, I told him it was. I knew I had failed—and, possibly, ruined the KatAang relationship all together. I stood up and went to the waiting room.
When I arrived I took out my pen and took note of their behavior.
Iroh: sleeping, leaning against Zuko, who has arms crossed and looking at me angrily.
Toph: Also sleeping, leaning slightly against Sokka who looks afraid (maybe doesn't want to wake her?)
Toph: Never mind; just saw Toph blink. She's pretending?
Sokka: Looking worriedly to Katara's direction.
Katara: staring at aquarium next to her on other end of room, still red, and still fidgety.
Aang: Left from my side and sat next to Sokka. Still "aangry".
"What are you writing?" Sokka asked as soon as I came out. "Can we leave now or what?"
"I want to get paid," Toph chimed in, waking from her "slumber."
I put the notebook and pen away, clapping my hands together. "You will all get your money and much more if you agree to one thing."
They all looked at me as if I had killed someone. They scowled—all except Katara, who sat guardedly on the other end of the room.
"I'm going to ask you to stay," I said finally. "For each day you're here, you'll be paid double the original payment."
"What!" Zuko stood up crossly. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? Where are we supposed to stay? You never mentioned this before!"
"There are rooms upstairs and about...and...I didn't mention it before, and I'm sorry. I was afraid you wouldn't come. But now since you're here, I figure, why not? I know you'll find it worth the trouble." I smiled.
They stood up and headed for the door. Oh no! Now what was I going to do? They couldn't leave me! I needed to find the answers, to know the truth!
What am I saying? In a twenty-minute session I had completely destroyed a ship. Maybe I should let them go...
But I am (mind me) a jackass by nature—so stubborn that I can hold my will against my bubbling self-dignity and self-conscience. I stood up and blocked the door and told them I'd pay the triple the original payment. And the looked at each other and talked it over.
And they decided to stay.
I took out my pen and assigned rooms.
Room One (holds 4 people): Zuko and Iroh
Room Two(holds 6 people): Sokka and Toph
Room Three (holds 3 people): Aang and Katara
Room Four (holds 2-3 people): VACANT.
It was about midday when I read this for them, and the sun was already setting behind the clouds. They went into their rooms and checked the places out. They grimaced when I told them they would be staying here for another week and that their room partner would change from time to time (and I made sure I kept reminding them how much they were getting paid and of their contracts). I couldn't believe they had accepted.
No one had a problem with their rooming (mostly because I didn't tell them how many people could fit and how many I was assigning) except Katara.
"There's no way you can change it?" She asked me while the others had explored the rooms, and then she slowly added a "doctor?" at the end of the sentence. "There's absolutely no way that Toph can take my place?"
"Nope—all part of the experience." Actually, it was all part of wanting to fix what I did. I knew it would work. Katara and Aang would have to talk to each other at some point. Even if they probably moved their beds to the other ends of the room...no matter. I wasn't changing any one's room partner until they spoke to one another.
Let me tell you of a fantastic secret here: the rooms, they were rigged! I set them up this way. Each had numerous microphones and one camera (located so that it only viewed the door and the area near the door. I wouldn't put it anywhere else). And the microphones? Everywhere except the bathrooms. I was (and still am) not that eager.
But most of all, I planned the twenty-minute sessions to discuss what you readers love doing best: writing fan fictions. We will be reading some of your wonderful creations and discussing them in exemplified detail. You'll be surprised, and fairly disturbed.
-Until next session, this is your friendly neighborhood Fic Shrink, signing off.