Title: Behind Locked Doors
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairings: Mal/River
Genres: Romance/Family
Rating: Teen
Summary: There is no one word to describe River Tam, and there is also no one word to even come close to describing how Mal feels when she's at his side, steering Serenity confidently into the great unknown, steering Malcolm Reynolds safely into her heart. Set post-Serenity. Also a slight nod towards Dead Like Me.
A/N: Written for Rare Pair Fest for mm8 and inspired by their prompts: 'Being with her is like flying. Being with her is like being with Serenity herself,' and 'He isn't sure how to be with River.' Thanks for the prompts and for giving me the opportunity to write these two beautiful and complicated characters. I hope you like!
Mysterious yet reassuring.
That was what River was, yet that wasn't all she was. No one word could describe River Tam, two couldn't even begin to cover it. For too long he had placed every member of his crew under the obligatory one or two word category. Kaylee was bubbly, Zoe loyal, Jayne hotheaded, Inara elegant yet confusing... rarely the words had changed throughout the years.
At first he labeled River as just crazy and that was that, and she was, sorta crazy anyway, but she was also smart and determined, stubborn and a force to be reckoned with. Mal had come to the point of respecting her and even caring about her like he did the rest of his crew. Yet it wasn't just that, was it? He was drawn to River as fiercely and as surely as if she were a part of him and not just Serenity. River could steer her confidently into the great unknown, yet where exactly was she steering Mal? Towards self-destruction and insanity, towards caring so deeply about someone other than himself that he didn't know where he ended and they began?
When he walked in and saw her sitting in that chair... gorrammit, he must have fallen in love right then and there.
Getting into relationships tended to complicate things, that was one of the very many reasons why he hadn't gotten involved with Inara. He had explicitly told Zoe not to marry Wash for the sole reason that they couldn't afford entanglements, and she had gone behind his back at that. Letting Simon and River Tam remain aboard Serenity was more than just complicated though, it proved a dangerous mix. Yet they belonged there, as sure as they all did. They were misfits, better together than apart. It had taken him too long to realize it, but River was really and truly a good fit, a perfect one if he dared go that far.
Malcolm Reynolds did not like things getting complicated, nor did he enjoy how confused he felt when River was around.
She was in that chair nearly every time he came in, gazing out into the blackness, legs drawn up and arms wrapped around them. It wasn't a vulnerable pose though, it looked more than anything like she belonged there.
They had lost a good man and Wash would never be forgotten, but maybe River was worthy enough to take his place.
She looked up when he entered and smiled, an unashamed smile expressing that she had some great big secret to hide. Most days he still doubted River's newfound sanity, but she looked harmless enough and he decided to just go with that.
"How's the sky lookin,' little girl?"
"See for yourself." She playfully kicked the chair across from hers and he found himself sitting down. She always did this, encouraging him to stay when she had to know it made him uncomfortable. It was a source of amusement for her, no doubt; he had no idea what she had to gain by it.
"Sky seems clear," he nods in approval, though for what he doesn't know. When he looks back at River she's no longer looking at him, just at the dashboard, as if she's concentrating hard on something. "Anything on your mind?"
Her head lifted again, "Same as what's on yours, Captain."
Mal hated when she called him that, she said it like it was a joke almost, another secret that made her feel clever and him incompetent and in the dark. Asking what she meant by that would only be playing her game, and her games were often tiring and led nowhere. "It'll be past your bedtime soon, reckon I'll take over for a while." He and River were rarely joined up here, sometimes by Zoe but the occasions were few and far between and Jayne, Kaylee, Inara and Simon never visited.
It was their place, and Mal would be up here more often than not, drawn to River for reasons unknown.
He was way out of his depth here, and that was an understatement.
Mal didn't know why those spoken words came to his mouth so easily, as some defense mechanism that he would never admit to. It was easier, her not being around, but he also hated it. When she wasn't around or when he didn't know where she was it was as if Serenity wouldn't fly properly, it was like there was some missing gear that made both her and him function.
The captain didn't know why those words made her get up more readily than usual, all too ready to leave Mal to it, whatever it was. He opened his mouth to tell her she didn't have to leave so soon, that he had only just gotten there, full well knowing she would be in the same seat, where she was more often than in her own bunk, but he closed it just as quickly when she stepped towards the door but didn't open it, only locked it.
He gulped and pushed himself backward into the chair slightly. Scared of a little girl, how weak and powerless was he?
It wasn't that he was scared of her though, he had never really been scared of her, even when she had slashed Jayne for no plausible gorram reason. He was more scared of how much he could be bended before he broke. He wasn't sexually attracted to River, per say, though he suspected he probably could be given time and ample private gazing, it was much more than that.
Just as Serenity was a part of him, River was too.
She knew him inside and out and no one knew him like that. It was chilling and disturbing, but it was like he could feel her fingers wrap around his heart, her whispered words in his head like a manta not even she understood. It was gut feeling most of the time, pure instinct for every word and every movement involving her in some way.
River was never in the background and in her mind, neither was he.
She walked closer until she was standing before him, bare legs brushing the chair he sat in, legs that looked so gorram appealing and it was her own fault, for making him feel insane, like she had passed all of it onto him without him even realizing it, for wearing that short skirt that Kaylee had dared given her.
The girl who he absolutely could not, should not, would not get involved with was barefoot again, he had warned her about this many a time. There were too many obvious reasons: she could slice up her feet, get bitten by something nasty, stub her toe. But really, everything about her drove him downright crazy, even her bare feet.
Especially her bare feet.
River pushed herself forward and then she was on top of him, before he could count to ten and exhale, before he could think up any gorram reasons to recoil or even to push her away. His hands went up, but they weren't meant to push her off of him or even to surrender. He put his hands on her bare arms and she straddled him more confidently, sitting down in his lap, legs stretched out to both sides of her like some sort of acrobat and it took his breath away, how beautiful she looked and felt: his hands on her arms, her sweet breath mingling with his own panicky half-pants, her soft hair tickling his nose.
She smiled and it transformed in mere seconds: a knowing grin, a hand held up to brush her hair back but Mal did it for her, practically moaning on his next exhale when she pressed her forehead against his own. He instigated the first kiss, one on her cheek to test the waters a bit, but she pulled away and kissed him full on the mouth, tongue moving with heated purpose inside his mouth and he followed suit. She tasted even more amazing than she smelled.
He jumped, jarring against her when he realized what he was doing. He couldn't do this, couldn't make out with Simon's sister, couldn't fall in love with someone younger than him. She was still a kid... but nothing felt more sure than when she was pushed up against him, making his existence seem a little more important.
"The door's locked, Mal," she reminded him with a soft smile. How could she do this, make him feel wanted?
He tried to remember if she had ever called him Mal before. He liked it. His hands were trembling again, grasping onto her arms tightly as if she would leave, as if she would call this all a trial run or even just a game, a play period for her to chill out and not think about her choices for a while.
"You're a good kisser."
When had she gotten this snarky?
When he looked at her, into her eyes, he could swear that he could see Serenity, as if River was the physical manifestation of her. She was here, holding him together, steering them into the perilous sky safely, steering them all into safer waters and in her own way, steering Mal carefully into her own head and heart. It felt like he had been with her for ages and just never knew it; it felt like he had known her for centuries.
Being with her was like flying.
Flying without knowing where the hell you were going but feeling sure about it anyway, safe because someone was there guiding you. Flying with wings as wide as the universe and as bright as the sun.
She was blinding.
He smiled, "I reckon you're a pretty good kisser yourself."
Their next kiss lasted for as long as they needed it to. He imagined it was what the great beyond tasted like, the place they all thought about but rarely talked about, that realm after death. Malcolm Reynolds may not have been sure of much, but River Tam in his life was a gorram certainty, and a pretty fine one at that.
FIN