This is bit of an experiment for me; I don't usually write in the present tense. But I'm pretty pleased with the way it turned out. Let me know what you think.
Christina x
XOXOXOX
It shouldn't have happened.
That's what he thinks as he stares into her face. It shouldn't have happened he tells himself, carefully lifting the thick lock of hair that's tickling her nose, causing her to scrunch her nose repeatedly in her sleep, off her face and praying she doesn't wake up as he does. She doesn't. He studies her, memorising her already very familiar features. One hand is under her pillow, the other resting on the mattress in front of her. His impossible girl.
It shouldn't have happened, the Doctor knows. But that doesn't mean he regrets it.
XOXOXOX
She has a boyfriend.
He tries to be happy for her, he really does. But he can't be. Because the simple, honest truth of it is he's jealous. They've never talked about what happened, so she has no idea that he doesn't regret it, or that he wouldn't object to it happening again. But she refuses to mention it, so the Doctor assumes that she does regret it.
He can't help taking a small, perverse delight in the fact that it is partially his fault that their first date is ruined, although Clara does deserve a fair portion of the blame. Her and her uncontrollable mouth.
When he sees her with the shy, slightly goofy bloke with floppy brown hair and a bow tie who he later discovers is called Adrian, it all makes sense. It's not him that she wants, its his former self. Even so, he can't help himself from giving a small smile. Because it's obvious now, that she does have feelings for him, albeit a different version of him. Okay, its not perfect, but it is satisfying to know she hasn't really moved on. But then P.E. blunders in, ruining everything and Clara's yelling at the Doctor until...
"Because I love him!"
It hurts. He can't deny it hurts. He's angry. Because P.E. is not him, despite all his arguments that they are both soldiers. Eventually though, after P.E. - Danny, must try to call him Danny – saves the world, the Doctor realises that he wants her to be happy. And if she's happy with someone else, then so be it.
Then there's the trip to the moon with Courtney, where things all too soon spiral out of hand. And then he leaves her there, leaves her to make possibly the toughest decision of her life for two reasons. Firstly, it's because he trusts her to make the right decision. This is is the woman who jumped into his time stream to save his life from the Great Intelligence. Of course she would choose to save the creature hatching inside the moon. But secondly, and perhaps most importantly, he wants, no he needs, to make sure that she's still his. That she hasn't been around P.E. - no, Danny – too long and become a soldier who would kill an innocent child because of what they might do in the future. When she presses that button, he couldn't be more proud. He doubts he's ever loved her more than in that moment. Which in itself is a startling revelation, because until then he had no idea how much he loves her.
But then they're in the TARDIS and she's screaming at him, and it's crazy but the Doctor can't help but think that she looks beautiful, more than usual, even though the force of the anger she's directing at him should be ugly. It's not though. She's positively glowing. As he moves slowly round the console to her, he presses one button without her noticing. Clara screams at him and then she's telling him to leave and never come back and he doesn't know what to say. She slams the door behind her and the bang reverberates through the almost empty TARDIS.
The Doctor stares at the door, torn between running after her and doing what she says. Behind him, there's a beep from the console. He turns slowly and pulls the screen to him. The results of the scan he surreptitiously started confirmed his suspicions.
Clara Oswald is pregnant.
XOXOXOX
She'd told him to go, so he went. He left not only her, but also Earth. For a hundred years, he just travels, avoiding Earth in any era. Then he ventures back and finds himself working together with a woman to stop an invasion by the ice warriors. To begin with, the Doctor resents her presence. But her usefulness is revealed at the signing of the peace treaty. The ice warriors refuse to let him, as a non-human, sign on behalf of Earth so she steps up and signs it. A waitress from Liverpool signing a peace treaty for the whole of Earth! Who would've believed it? Somehow she convinces him to let her travel with him and she becomes his best friend. She reminds the Doctor a little of his old friend Donna. He often tells her that she should've been a redhead; she certainly has the temper for it.
Suddenly Earth is no longer a no-go zone. He realises then how much he missed it. He also realises how much he misses Clara, but squashes this feeling, locking it in a box in the darkest, dustiest corner of his mind. Until one day, in the middle of a Sontaron invasion, he can't ignore it.
Jamming on the brakes, he races out of the TARDIS to check the process of the Sontaron ships, yelling over his shoulder to his new best friend, "Stay there! I'll be two minutes!" Outside, the TARDIS has materialised in a back alley. The Doctor races to the end of the alley, looking frantically up at the sky. To his relief, the Sontaron ships are not yet visible. There's a chance, just the tiniest chance, that he can still stop this before anyone on Earth notices.
"Doctor?"
"I told you I was only going to be-"
He stops when he looks down and realises that it isn't his best friend talking to him. For once she's doing as she was told. No, it is Clara.
She is a little older, her hair's a little shorter, there are tiny lines at the corner of her eyes only visible when she smiles at him, but she's still Clara.
"Hello Doctor," she says.
"Clara." He stares at her. Then shaking his head, he says, "Sorry, can't chat. Bit of a situation. Well, almost a situation. A potential situation."
Her faces falls.
"Right."
"How are you?" he asked before he can stop himself.
"Good. I'm good."
"Good," he replies. "Good. Well, potential situation to stop from becoming a situation. All in hand." He hesitated. "Just in case it becomes slightly out of hand, go home Clara. Take your family."
"How did you know-"
He runs away before she can finish her question, only partly because of the impending Sontaron attack. Mostly because he doesn't want to talk about how he knows she has a family, or the fact that her child could be his.
XOXOXOX
Eventually though, his friend the should-be redhead leaves him. Although as she tells him, it's not forever. So the Doctor goes to visit River. They visit the rings of Saturn and end up having a colossal fight that almost makes him consider going to stay with the otters again. When he goes to apologise he messes up the timing and ends up arriving years before the fight. So he takes her to the Medusa Cascade and when she asks why, he tells her, "Spoilers."
When they arrive back at the university, River grins then skips towards the door.
"Hey," he says, grabbing her wrist. "Aren't you forgetting something?" He steps forward and kisses her. After a second's hesitation, she responds enthusiastically. Even so, something in his gut tells him something's not right. It's confirmed when he sees her expression.
"What's wrong?" he asks. "You're acting like we haven't done this before."
"We haven't," she replied. "Still, there's a first time for everything."
She winks at him, before running out the door, unaware of his distraught expression. Her words echo in his head, breaking his hearts. It's a wonder they still beat, they've been broken so many times. The irony strikes him as he remembers saying those exact same words to her in the Stormcage many years ago. Suddenly he wants to fly there and hold her and apologise to get rid of the look he knows would've graced her features as he had danced back into the TARDIS. Instead, he flies away and vows for the sake of his hearts never to make the mistake of falling in love again.
XOXOXOX
The Doctor has just spent three days on Alison's moon – which he named Jeremy – and is planning on visiting Babylon when the phone rings. He stops and frowns. Very few people have that number. There's a chance it's her, his friend, the one who should've been a redhead. But there's also a chance it's her, Clara. He hesitates, hoping it'll just stop. Except it doesn't.
"I must install an answering machine," he mutters, stomping to the door. "And I have to reinstall a phone in the console."
He leans out the door and yanks out the phone.
"Hello?" he snaps. "What do you want?"
"Hello Doctor."
For a moment he's floored. Of all the people it could've been, he would never have expected him.
"Hello Danny," he replies. "I gather this isn't a social call."
"No," Danny Pink replies.
"Then what do you want? I'm on my way to Babylon."
"I'm dying."
The Doctor stops. He doesn't say I'm sorry because they both know he doesn't really mean it. But it does affect him. Because it will devastate Clara. Even after 173 years apart, excluding their brief run it during the Sontaron invasion, he would move mountains to make her happy. Babylon forgotten, he instantly changes destination. He dances round the console like his previous few incarnations were inclined to, wasting no time in getting to where he needs to be. Slamming on the brakes, he runs out the door.
He hesitates slightly before ringing the doorbell of the house Danny told him about. Through the frosted glass a figure approaches, the door opens and Clara's standing there with red rimmed eyes. And although he still doesn't do the hugging thing, he opens his arms and she falls into them. They stand there for what might be minutes or might be hours, just holding each other.
"Mum?" a voice from inside the house calls. They step apart and the Doctor freezes when he sees the tall, lanky teenage boy eyeing them suspiciously. Those blue eyes are far too familiar. But he says nothing as Clara gives the boy a watery smile. She steps towards him to rub his arm, before turning back to the Doctor.
"Sweetheart, this is a friend of mine, the Doctor," she says. "Doctor, this is my son, Luke."
"Hello Luke," he says, hoping Clara doesn't notice the waver in his voice. Luke stares at him but doesn't reply.
"Can me and Chloe order pizza?" he asks his mother.
"Sure," Clara smiles.
She introduces him to her daughter Chloe who has Clara's hair and Danny's eyes. Unlike her older brother, Chloe is welcoming although like her mother she has red rimmed eyes. He sits uncomfortably on the couch as Luke and Chloe munch through a chicken and sweetcorn pizza, watching Clara mostly although his eyes do flicker to Luke occasionally. Sometimes he finds a pair of icy blue eyes fixed suspiciously on him and shudders internally at the familiarity of them.
Later, after Luke and Chloe have been sent to bed, Clara sits on the couch and stares into space as has become her habit since Danny's death. A mug suddenly appears in her line of sight.
"What's this?" she asks, looking up at the Doctor.
"Tea," he replies. "I always thought you were better than the rest of the pudding brains, but if you can't even recognise tea then-"
"Doctor," she interrupts pointing a finger at him. "Shush."
He remembers addressing Strax that way soon after his regeneration and wonders for a minute if it's a coincidence. Then he notices the small teasing smile playing on her lips and gives her a withering look.
"Drink your tea," he snaps, sitting down with a huff.
"Why are you here?" she whispers.
"I got a phone call saying you needed me," he replied.
"From who?"
"Danny."
Clara's eyes filled with tears and she presses her free hand to her mouth to stifle a sob. He watches her, wishing he could take away this pain, but he knows from experience that the only thing that can help is time, and not the kind of time that can be gained by a time machine. She turns to look at him.
"Thank you," she whispers.
XOXOXOX
The Doctor moves the TARDIS into the shed away from the neighbours prying eyes and awkward questions and all but moves into Clara's house. Clara needs him, she's barely keeping it together, so he's not going anywhere. And it's not just Clara, there's Chloe and Luke too. Thirteen year old Chloe latches onto his presence. A few days in, when the Doctor is beginning to feel stifled, Chloe announces she's going for a walk.
"Want some company?" he asks. She looks surprised, then shrugs.
"Sure."
They walk in silence to begin with until eventually Chloe starts telling about school, then her friends, then they just talk. It's easy. It's almost like talking to Clara. And at least she talks to him. Luke will barely acknowledge his presence and when he does it's with a glare. The Doctor knows why. In Luke's eyes, he's taking Danny's place. Actually, he isn't trying to get Clara back, although it would be a lie to say he didn't want her back, he just wants to help her. He just wants to see her smile again.
A week after he arrives, Clara announces that she's taking Chloe shopping for new school uniform. She asks him to keep an eye on Luke. As soon as his mother drives away with his sister, Luke turns to the Doctor.
"I don't need a babysitter."
"Then stop acting like a child," the Doctor snaps.
For a moment Luke looks shocked. The Doctor realises it's the first time he's seen the boy without a scowl on his face. For the first time he sees Clara's in his features instead of himself and it sinks in that Luke is his and Clara's son.
"Why are you here?" Luke asks. He sees no point in lying.
"Because your dad asked me to be."
"You knew my dad?"
"Yes."
"Were you friends?"
"Not exactly," he replies, thinking of the argument between him and Danny in the TARDIS during his brief stint as the Coal Hill caretaker. "We had one thing in common."
"What?"
"Your mother."
"How do you know her?" Luke asked.
"We travelled together."
Luke looks confused. The Doctor beckons with his finger and leads Luke out to the shed. The boy's eyebrows shoot upwards but he follows the Doctor doubtfully. When he enters the TARDIS, his mouth drops.
"It's smaller on the outside."
"Hmm." The Doctor frowns. Must be an Oswald thing to put it that way.
"What is it?"
"A TARDIS. Time and relative dimensions in space," he replies. "Where do you want to go?"
"You mean, like Australia?"
"I mean anywhere in time or space. Your choice. Just be a bit more exciting than your mother. When I let her choose, she chose Robin Hood."
"Yeah she loves him," Luke says. Then he stops. "Wait, is Robin Hood real?"
"No," the Doctor replies. "Yes. Maybe. Where do you want to go?"
"Can I see my dad?"
He should've known. He should have realised that Luke would ask to see Danny. Offering a grieving teenager a time machine was asking for trouble. And last time he's agreed to show someone their dead father the universe had almost been destroyed.
"Crossing your own timeline is incredibly dangerous," he replies eventually.
"Is that a no?"
The Doctor reaches out and flicks off the brake.
"Don't tell your mother," he warns. After all, what Clara doesn't know can't hurt her, right?
When they land, he turns to Luke with a serious expression. The boy looks at him tentatively.
"We're twenty years in the past, your dad is still a student. He hasn't met your mother yet, or me. You cannot tell him who you are, okay?"
"Okay," Luke nods.
"Good," the Doctor says, then leads him out of the TARDIS. The rain attacks them immediately. They dash across the square into the library opposite, shaking off the rain water.
"Mum'll kill you when she find out about this," Luke says.
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her."
"I think that's a stupid saying," Luke replies. "Because secrets always come out eventually. And it makes it worse cause you've lied to them for ages."
"Maybe you're right," the Doctor says and he studies Luke properly for perhaps for the first time. Maybe there is more to the boy than sulky scowls. Suddenly Luke stops and stares straight ahead. The Doctor follows his gaze and spies a young Danny Pink sitting surrounded by books. "Come on then," he says gently.
He realises Luke isn't going to move, so he takes the lead and strides up to Danny's table, plonking himself down on the chair opposite. Danny looks up.
"Can I help you?" he asks.
"Maybe, my friend and I were wondering if you direct us to the section on P.E."
"No, sorry. Why don't you ask at the front desk?"
"Are you sure? You look like a P.E. Teacher."
"I'm studying to be a maths teacher. Is you friends coming over?" Danny looks over his shoulder towards Luke and frowns. "How old is he?"
"Never mind. Here Luke, sit here while I go find a book. Don't wander off."
The Doctor pushes him gently towards Danny's table then disappears between the book shelves.
"Hi," Luke says quietly as he sits down.
"You alright?" Danny smiles. "He's a bit odd, your mate. Who is he?"
"He's a friend of my mum's. He is a bit weird though."
The Doctor amuses himself by looking though all the books, although he finds nothing of interest. But he knows Luke needs this, needs to spend time with his dad. He tries to ignore the dull ache that thought brings up. He knows he's Luke's father, it's obvious. But Danny is his dad. And it hurts. Because he's been a father before, and a grandfather too, and to have missed the chance to go through that again hurts. After about half an hour, he wanders back to Danny and Luke and finds them chatting about football. He resists the urge to roll his eyes. Humans! Take them back in time to see their dead father and they spend the time chatting about football.
"Luke, time to go," he says gently. "Your mother'll be back soon. She'll kill me if we're not back."
"She'll probably kill you anyway," Luke replies before he can help himself. Danny smiles.
"Strict is she?" he asks.
"Only with me," the Doctor replies.
"She's a teacher," Luke says by way of explanation.
"Nothing wrong with teachers," Danny replies. "See you Luke."
"Bye... Danny."
They arrive back just minutes before Clara and Chloe. The Doctor gives Luke a wink and the teenager smiles slightly. It's not much. But it's enough to warm the Doctor's hearts just a little and raise a small seed of hope.
XOXOXOX
Clara notices the shift between the Doctor and Luke, although she doesn't comment on it. Her son does at least speak to the Doctor now. He's not friendly or welcoming, but he is talking. It's a start.
"Okay," she says two days later after witnessing him and Luke have a full conversation – of sorts. "How did you do it?"
"Dad skills," he replies automatically before realising what he's said. He hears the slight hitch in her breath and curses himself internally. "We... came to an understanding," he adds.
"You took him in the TARDIS, didn't you?" she asks, realisation dawning.
"Yeah," he replies sheepishly.
"Where did you take him?"
"Wherever he wanted. At least he didn't say Robin Hood." He gives her a scathing look.
"So where did he choose?"
"He asked to see his dad."
Clara doesn't reply. When he turns round he sees her eyes fill with tears again.
"You took him to see Danny?" she asks. He nods. "Would you take me?"
"No," he replies instantly. She looks hurt.
"Why not?"
"You need to move on Clara. If I keep taking you back in time to see Danny you never will," he says, fixing her with a stare. "Besides, crossing your time line so many times is dangerous. Clara, if I thought it would help, I would take you to see him."
She steps forward and wraps her arms around his neck. He contracts his arms repeatedly, feeling awkward, until eventually he stops fighting it and places his hands lightly on her hips. He closes his eyes, trying not to fall too deeply all over again. He's supposed to be done with this. For the sake of his hearts, he told himself he wasn't going to stop falling in love. Except he'd been in love with Clara long before he made that promise so it didn't count, right? It would be so easy. All he has to do is turn his head and kiss her. But he can't. Because Clara is still grieving her beloved husband and made it clear a long time ago that she chose Danny over him. So he squeezes his eyes shut and lets his hands rest on her hips.
He still doesn't do hugging.
XOXOXOX
They settle into a routine, the four of them. Chloe and Luke return to school when the holidays end and Clara returns to work. She comes home during lunch on the first day and cries against the Doctor's chest. He pats her head and calls her his impossible girl. Then she goes back, strong and determined, and doesn't cry again. Or if she does, she doesn't let the Doctor or her children see.
As for the Doctor, he re-takes his position as scientific advisor with UNIT. It's not as good as last time because there's no Sarah Jane and no Brigadier and they're all pudding brains these young new recruits. But he does find a couple who aren't too bad; a young astrophysicist and a not quite as young chemist. They at least seem to listen to him and aren't complete pudding brains. It's not the best situation – travelling in the TARDIS with Clara and maybe Luke and Chloe too – but it's not the worst situation either – travelling alone with two broken hearts or even worse not travelling with two broken hearts.
And the weekends... Well, the weekends are special. Clara eventually relents, and allows him to take Chloe and Luke away in the TARDIS. Which means they spend most of their weekends travelling through time and space. Luke never makes any reference to his previous trip, and neither Clara nor the Doctor bring it up.
A few months in, and they're visiting the Dagmar Cluster. Chloe races ahead, dragging her brother behind her, fascinated by the variety of product available at the market. Clara walks along at the Doctor's side, grinning at how happy her children look. She wants them to be happy. After all, she knows what it's like to loose a parent at a young age. Even the Doctor looks relaxed. He's even smiling slightly. He can't deny that he's enjoying himself, especially when Clara hooks her arm through his and squeezes it. It's just like the old days.
They arrive home late on Sunday evening, Chloe and Luke head upstairs to bed chattering excitedly about everything they've seen. Clara turns to the Doctor and smiles; a proper, real smile. The first unforced smile she's given him in all the months he's been there.
"Thank you for today," she says quietly. "It was brilliant."
Placing her hands on his chest, she reaches up and presses a kiss to his cheek. He doesn't react, just stands there with his hands deep in his pockets. To his surprise, she doesn't step back afterwards. Instead she stays in front of him, her hands resting against his shirt.
"Why are you here?" she whispers.
"You need me," he replies simply.
"I can manage. You must be bored."
"I want you to come with me. But I know you won't leave Luke and Chloe yet," he explains. "So I'll wait."
"You could just jump in the TARDIS and go to when I could leave them," she points out.
"But you can't. You'd still have to live it."
The look on her face is enough to make the waiting and the working at UNIT all worth it. Seeing the real smile earlier had been good; seeing her grin now was brilliant. He can't resist. He leans forward and kisses her. As soon as his lips touch hers, Clara stops. She hasn't forgotten the night they spent together. Then he pulls away quickly, and she catches sight of his face. He thinks he's made a mistake. Before he can run away, she catches his wrist and gives him a small smile. He looks nervous, in face he almost looks terrified. So she steps forward and kisses him, briefly, telling him without words that it's okay, she does have feelings for him too, he just needs to let her take it slow because she's still grieving. When she steps back again, he's relaxed again.
"Good night Doctor," she says then heads upstairs.
"Good night my Clara," he whispers.
XOXOXOX
Of course, it can't last.
Six months after Danny's death, Clara gets sick. She says it's nothing, but he doesn't believe her. They argue about it. In fact, they argue a lot. The only thing they agree on is that they hide it from Luke and Chloe. Until one day they can't hide it anymore. During breakfast one Thursday, Clara falls to her knees in a coughing fit.
Chloe cries, "Mum!"
The Doctor sees the hastily hidden fear in Luke's eyes a he watches his mother from the kitchen door. But he ignores it, too concerned about Clara. He crouches by her side, putting an arm around her shoulders.
"Clara."
"No," she wheezes between coughs.
"Clara you need a doctor."
"I've got one."
"A proper doctor."
"Are you saying you're not a proper doctor?" she teases.
"Clara! You have to go to hospital!" he shouts.
"No!" she replies, and she begins to cry which only makes the wheezing cough worse. Tears are even pricking the corner of the Doctor's eyes now. He can't loose her. He can't. He's seen her die too many times before. First Oswin in the Dalek Asylum, then Clara Oswin Oswald in Victorian London, then Clara herself when she jumped into his time stream. He'd saved her then, he had to save her now.
Even though he doesn't do hugging, he wraps his arms around her. He can feel the wheezing from her chest vibrating through her body into his and it breaks another piece of his hearts.
"Do it for your children," he whispers. A moment later he feels her nod and he wants to kiss her.
He calls the school and tells them Clara won't be in that day. Then he spends fifteen minutes convincing Chloe and Luke to go to school. He can see the fear in their eyes. Just six months ago they buried their father. The fear is most evident in Chloe's eyes. She looks at him and without her saying a thing he can hear her asking Is mum going to die? Luke hides it well. Like himself, Luke doesn't want anyone, even his sister and his mother, to see his weakness. As they leave the Doctor reaches out and squeezes their shoulders. It's a sign of how worried Luke is that he doesn't shrug his hand off.
From that day on, the Doctor moves in completely. Since Danny went into hospital, Clara had moved into the spare bedroom. Their kingsize bed was just too big without him there. The double bed in the spare room wasn't quite so bad. Now with the Doctor's lanky frame next to her, it feels comforting. And she needs the comfort. Because she's terrified. She goes to the doctors – the medical kind, not the time lord kind – and they start her on treatment that might work. Might. She's heard that before. They told her husband that too.
The Doctor doesn't do domestic, he almost went mad during the year with Amy and Rory, but he does domestic now. He convinces Chloe and Luke to go to school every morning. Tells them to stop being daft and that their mother'll be fine. His brusque manner actually seems to help. It reassures them that she'll be fine because that's normal for him. Then he tells Clara stories, stories about them, stories from before they met, stories from after she left.
Weeks pass, and inexplicably, slowly, Clara gets better. It's in May when she's well enough for them to take a weekend trip. Chloe and Luke smile for the first time in two months when they do. Okay, they spend most all the time in the TARDIS, but the Doctor isn't complaining. He's missed flying with the old girl, and clearly she's missed it too. His ship is sulking with him. But Clara sits and watches as Chloe and Luke argue good-naturedly, and the Doctor flying the TARDIS, stroking it affectionately when he thinks no one is looking. She sits back and relaxes in the familiar atmosphere. As Chloe and Luke are engaged in a heated game of noughts and crosses at the chalk board, the Doctor crosses the room and takes her hand. She smiles up at him. He gives her hand a quick squeeze and returns to the console, just in case the ship thinks he's forgetting about her again. She smirks to herself and thinks I love that crazy man.
Clara continues to recover. The Doctor wants to jump up and down cheering. His previous selves probably would have, but he is no longer that kind of man. So he settles for a small smile. She starts to work again, part time at his request. She's touched by his concern. Part of her loves it, but it drives part of her mad. She's cooking dinner one night and he's fussing, telling her to sit down, so she grabs his shoulders and kisses him. It stops him. It reminds him of when her echo in Victorian London kissed his former incarnation, although this is a lot gentler, romantic and better because of it. Then she smirks at him and carries on as before. He huffs, then flops into one of the kitchen chairs which makes her laugh out loud.
Luke arrives home from school the next day complaining loudly about his physics homework. Clara sympathises, but is unable to help. Science was never her strong point. She prefers words to numbers. The Doctor is puttering about with some piece of technology he's taken home from work at the kitchen table, then suddenly he gets up and takes the homework from Clara without a word. After reading it, he sits down next to Luke on the couch and begins to explain. Clara starts to fold the washing; she glances over at them every so often with a small smile. He's a natural. He isn't telling Luke the answer, he's telling him how to get to the answer. However long it's been, he is a natural father. He's not touchy feely, but he cares in his own grumpy, Scottish way. She notices it in his interactions with Chloe, but this is the first time she's really seen it with Luke.
She closes the bedroom door behind her as she comes back from the bathroom. He's already stretched out with his hands behind his head, on top of the covers as always. She knows Luke thinks they're sleeping together, but they really are just sleeping. The Doctor doesn't even sleep underneath the duvet. The only reason he sleeps there is because she fell ill. Leaning against the door, she watches him with a small smile.
"Stop staring at me," he says without opening his eyes.
"How do you do that?" she asks. He gives a half smile. Then she steps forward and sits on the edge of the bed. As she does, he frowns and opens one eye.
"You sleep over there," he says, pointing to the other side of the bed. She doesn't reply, just sits and watches him. Then she reaches forward to gently place her hand on his cheek.
"Thank you," she whispers.
"For what?"
"Being here. Staying."
He doesn't reply or say You're welcome; he covers her hand with his lightly. Clara smiles. As he's always said since his regeneration, he doesn't do hugs. When she travelled with him, he would grab her hand and yank her after him on the rare occasions he initiated any contact between them. But these days, whenever he touched her, it was lightly. Like the evening after they visited the Dagmar Cluster when he kissed her, his hands had fallen so lightly on her hips.
Eventually he sits up. She leans forward and rests her forehead against his. Carefully he threads his fingers into her hair. It's peaceful, the most peaceful she's felt since Danny was diagnosed. And happy. She's happy. And she thinks that underneath his grumpiness and eyebrows, the Doctor's happy too.
She whispers, "I love you."
He jerks back slightly, eyes wide. His expression makes her smirk. Then she kisses him. He kisses her back.
Breaking the kiss briefly, he says, "I love you too, my Clara."
As Clara sleeps, the Doctor lies awake with one hand pressed against the small of her back. He knows that he is in far too deep. His hearts are going to get broken again, whether it's tomorrow or in ten, twenty, thirty years. Because he has a whole new regeneration cycle ahead of him and Clara... Clara is human. They've had one close call already. But he doesn't think about what would happen if she became sick again. If he thinks about the what ifs he'll never enjoy the here and now. And the here and now is far too good to waste he thinks, pressing a kiss between her shoulder blades.
XOXOXOX
The anniversary of Danny's death comes and goes. The Doctor watches as they grieve all over again. Chloe cries, while Luke withdraws again. He snaps angrily at the Doctor whenever they speak. The Doctor can't help but think sometimes that things would be so much easier if Chloe was his child instead. But then he feels guilty because despite everything, he does love Luke. Of course he loves Chloe too, but it's different. There isn't the same connection between father and child.
And then there's Clara... Clara doesn't react. At least not outwardly and not in front of her children. At night she sleeps on the furthest edge of the bed, away from him. She's feeling guilty, he can tell. If she cries, it's not around him. The same goes for Luke. He wonders if they cry together. If he offered help, they would reject it, so he doesn't. Instead he helps the only member of the family not trying to get away from him: Chloe.
They go for walks; sometimes they talk, others they just walk anywhere and everywhere. The day of Danny's death arrives and they sit by the river for hours. Luke has locked himself in his room and Clara wanders the house like a ghost. So the Doctor and Chloe escape the crushing grief and sit by the river in silence. For hours they sit and stare at the water rushing by. The Doctor's bored, he can think of so many better places they could be, but Chloe doesn't complain so he stays silent. But he can help fidgeting. Patience has never been his strong suit.
As dusk falls, he stands and offers her his hand. She takes it, and lets him pull her onto her feet. Then they walk slowly home, his hands thrust deep into his pockets, their arms brushing. Back at home, he orders them Chinese; after a year he knows their orders by heart. Luke comes out of his room only long enough to snatch his and snap at the Doctor. Chloe picks at hers before going to bed, so the Doctor, fed up of Luke's attitude, disappears into the TARDIS. He spends over an hour creating an equation on the blackboard. As he finishes the problem, the TARDIS door opens and Clara slips in. She sits on the steps without saying a word. He finishes the equation, places the chalk down then wipes it off the board. Then he sits down beside her, studying her. She sighs softly, and it's like all of the tension leaves her body. Her head falls to the side and comes to rest of his shoulder. She knows he wanted to leave today, she knows he could've left, and she loves that he stayed. He stayed for her, for them. She loves him.
XOXOXOX
They're lying in bed, while asleep Clara has turned over and started using his chest as a pillow. If she was awake he'd be telling her that he's not a hugging person. And she would tell him that he doesn't get a say. But since she's asleep he tells himself that it's not really hugging. He even allows himself to put an arm around her.
That's when it happens.
Clara coughs, quietly at first. But when it doesn't stop, butterflies begin to flutter in his stomach. He tries to suppress them. But the couch gets stronger. He can feel it where her chest rests against his stomach. Soon it's so strong that she wakes up. He helps her sit up, rubbing her back and tries not to panic. She can't be sick, not again. They gave her treatment and she defied all the odds by recovering. She can't be ill again, she can't.
She can.
The doctors – the medical ones, not the time lord one – start her on treatment again. They don't tell Luke and Chloe, not yet. They want to give the treatment a chance. The Doctor wants to believe that she'll get better and Clara doesn't want to worry them, not so soon after the anniversary of their father's death. But all too soon it becomes apparent that they can't hide it anymore. So they sit Chloe and Luke down – Chloe curled up in the armchair and Luke sprawled on one couch, the Doctor and Clara sitting close together on the other couch – and tell them. Chloe's eyes fill with tears and Luke's mouth tightens until it almost disappears completely until he gets up and storms out the back door. Clara goes to follow him but the Doctor is on his feet and out the door after him.
He finds Luke in the TARDIS, leaning against the console. He stands next to him, flicking back his coat to put his hands into his pockets. Then he waits. Luke is fighting back tears but he knows better than to try to comfort him. Luke, like himself, hates to show any kind of weakness. That's one thing they have in common at least.
After half an hour, Luke turns to him. Suddenly the Doctor sees not a stroppy teenager, but a scared little boy, just like the little boy that chose to sleep in a barn alone rather than let anyone hear him cry. Despite not being a hugging person, he opens his arms and his son falls into them and cries.
XOXOXOX
"Clara?"
He knows she's awake, he can tell by her breathing. All he can see through the darkness is the outline of her back as she lies on her side. He has categorised what her breath sounds like, and listens to it constantly. He knows she's awake, just not if she'll admit it.
"What is it?" she replies.
"Is Luke my son?"
Her body stiffens, and her breath stops just long enough for him to start having heart palpitations. It makes him wish he hadn't asked. Why did he need the confirmation anyway? Anyone could tell by looking at him and Luke that they were related. So why did he have to know?
"Yes," she whispers.
"Did Danny know?" he asks.
"I told him there was a chance it wasn't his, that I'd been with someone else just before we got together. He said he didn't care, we'd raise the baby together and if I wanted to tell the father it was my decision." She hesitated. "As soon as I saw Luke, I knew he was yours. Those eyes. Your eyes... I'm sorry."
He scoots forward and rests his chin on her shoulder.
"Me too," he says.
XOXOXOX
Clara does not want to go into hospital. Her children had to watch their father waste away in a hospital bed and she knows that they think that if she goes into hospital then she'll never come out. She wants to keep everything as normal as possible for them. So she talks to the doctors and the people from the hospice; they come over and discuss the options on the couch and Clara makes tea and puts out of plates of biscuits. The Doctor steals the jammy dodgers – one trait left over from his previous regeneration – and sits apart from them at the dining table. He pretends not to listen. In reality, he can't stop listening.
He wants Clara to stop acting so calmly, so rationally. He wants her to fight, not plan. His fists clench and his mouth tightens.
"And what does your husband think?" the woman from the hospice asks. The Doctor and Clara both look up.
"Oh, no," Clara begins.
"I'm not her husband," he snaps, storming out.
He wasn't her husband. And until that moment, he hadn't realised he wanted to be.
He sulks in the kitchen until they leave, unwilling to go too far away incase anything happens to her. Which is irrational considering she's in a room with medical professionals who specialise in her condition. But they can't care for her the way he can. So instead he rearranges all of the kitchen cupboards, creating a system, even though he knows she'll kill him later.
When they leave, they call through a good bye to him, waving. He merely glowers at them. Clara shoots him a look. After showing them out, she joins him in the kitchen with an armful of plates which she dumps noisily in the sink.
"You didn't have to be so rude," she snaps.
"I am rude," he replies.
"They're trying to help."
"Let me help," he says. She looks confused.
"You are helping."
"No, let me help you get better. We could jump in the TARDIS, go to the future. I know this hospital that has a cure for everything, and I mean, everything."
"Doctor do you hear yourself?" she asks incredulously. "I can't do that. It could change the future entirely."
"So?"
"So, of course not! Why would you even suggest it?"
"Because I don't want to loose you again!"
She stares at him. There's nothing she can say, because there's nothing she can do. So instead she steps forward and slips her arms around him, pressing her face into his shirt and inhaling. She feels his hands resting lightly on her hips as they always do these days when she hugs him.
"I'm not going anywhere yet," she whispers. He bows his head to bury her face into her hair.
XOXOXOX
The Doctor and Luke escape into the TARDIS. He teaches his son about Gallifrey, about the Time Lords, about the rules of travelling through time and space. Luke soaks up his knowledge like a sponge. The Doctor doesn't know if he's truly interested or just desperate for something, anything to take his mind off his mother's illness. If so, he does a good job at pretending otherwise. He even takes to exploring the TARDIS on his own, with strict instructions not to touch the console. The Doctor even has a word with his ship to make sure she doesn't fly off with Luke.
Luke is really interested in the TARDIS. He spends hours in the library reading about the history of the universe. He finds that he doesn't get lost, even though the ship is infinite. The ship seems to have a soft spot for him, like his father. He even starts talking to her, but only when he's alone, and calling her 'girl'.
Meanwhile Clara quits her job. She kept teaching for as long as possible, but trying to work and live her life normally at home finally proved to be too much. She knew her health was deteriorating, and she was fighting with all her strength. She wanted to see her children grow up. They didn't deserve to loose another parent barely a year after loosing their father. Already she could see what would happen: Chloe would cry for weeks, desperately needing a parent, and Luke... Luke would withdraw into himself and lash out angrily at anyone who came near. She worries about her son. He's inherited too much of his father's personality. It was different when Danny was alive, because her husband had a way of pulling the boy out of his shell. She knew that the Doctor could also do it, but Luke still hadn't quite come to terms with the new man in his mother's life. Although they did seem to be spending quite a bit of time together recently in the TARDIS. Perhaps Luke was beginning to accept him. She hoped so. If the Doctor was there, then maybe she wouldn't have to worry about Luke and Chloe when the inevitable happened.
Clara goes downhill quickly. The Doctor knows she is fighting, but she is loosing strength. Every night he holds her, not being a hugging person goes temporarily out of the window, and he prays to every God and religion in the universe to let her live. He's not ready to loose her. Not again. He can't watch her die again. He needs her. His impossible girl. And every morning when she's still with him, he thanks every one of those Gods for not taking her from him yet.
He and Chloe take over running the house. Clara is surprised to discover the Doctor is surprisingly good at everything domestic. But what makes it even more enjoyable, is the glower her wears while doing it. He couldn't look more disgusted, yet she finds it hilarious. He gets annoyed when she laughs at him, but secretly he's not too angry. He loves her laugh.
Luke tells her stories. He climbs on the bed beside her like he did when he was little. She remembers still in her and Danny's bed with him, aged three, when he was sick, watching old Disney films together. Now, they sit together in her and the Doctor's bed and he tells her about the things he's read in the TARDIS' library.
"Sweetheart, I need to tell you something," she says one day after he finishes telling her about the Medusa Cascade. "Your dad wasn't your biological father. I had a relationship with someone else just before I met him, and I got pregnant. Your dad knew this, and we decided to raise you as ours. But I wanted to tell you the truth. Your real father..."
"It's the Doctor, isn't it?" Luke says.
"How did you know? Did he tell you?"
Luke shakes his head.
"I figured it out. We look alike. Same eyes, same build. Same eyebrows."
She giggles then puts her arms around her son.
"Same intelligence, same temper," she adds. "And same good heart."
He leans against her shoulder and Clara presses a kiss into his hair. They stay there, mother and son holding onto each other, and savour the moment while they can.
XOXOXOX
"What are you up to?" Clara asks.
"Trust me," the Doctor replies, leading her into the TARDIS and across the the seat at the edge of the console room. Then he turns to the console and the next thing she knows, they're flying.
"Where are we going?"
"It's a surprise," he replies.
"What about Chloe and Luke?"
"Time machine, remember? We'll be back before they are."
They land, then he takes her hand and leads her towards the door. She looks at him questioningly, but he merely indicates towards the door. Grasping the handle, the pulls open the door and steps out, feeling that familiar rush of excitement. Immediately she grins. He steps forward and takes her hand again.
"Sherwood Forest," she says. "Thank you."
"Suppose I can deal with the laughing for one day," he replies gruffly.
Robin, Marion and the rest of the Merry Men are thrilled to see them again. Clara laughs more than she has in months, sometimes too much until she begins to couch uncontrollably which earns them a telling off from the Doctor. They don't let it bother them though, and as soon as she recovers they start all over again with the laughing. The Doctor looks ready to blow a fuse, and skulks around the edges of the group until Clara grabs him as he passes and tugs him down next to her. And because he doesn't like the way Robin flirts with her, despite having a wife of his own, he wraps a possessive arm around her and glowers. Which only makes them all laugh even harder.
When he notices Clara stifling a yawn he realises how weary she looks. So he says that he can't take anymore of the laughing and that they have to go. She protests lightly, but he knows her heart isn't in it. They say goodbye and he helps her back into the TARDIS. She falls asleep before they take off, so when they land again, he carries her carefully inside. He begins to straighten up after putting her down, but her hand catches his coat.
"Stay," she murmurs.
So he does. She wraps herself around him – which is not hugging he tells himself – and drifts off.
"Thank you," she whispers. "For everything."
XOXOXOX
He stares at the box which seems far too small to hold her as the winter wind bites his cheeks. Chloe is crying quietly against his shoulder on one side, Luke stands stoically on the other. Eventually his prayers stopped working. She'd fought as hard as she could, and although he missed her deeply, at least she was free now. Free of doctors and treatments. It would be selfish of him to try to drag her back.
He reaches out and squeezes his son's hand briefly as the coffin is lowered into the ground. Then he looks around at the other mourners, because staring at the coffin hurts far too much. Courtney Woods is there, although her name isn't Woods anymore and she's a naturalised American citizen now, well on her way to becoming President. She catches his eye and gives him a watery smile. He nods in return. He recognises a few other faces, although he can't place them. He suspects they must have worked at Coal Hill during his brief stint as the caretaker. Then there's her father and Linda. He doesn't bother speaking to them, considering he's changed his face completely since the last – and only - time they'd met.
He remembers something Sarah Jane said once. He and Rose and Sarah were standing in the computer department of Deffrey Vale in an argument with Mr Finch, the leader of a group of krillitanes. Finch was trying to convince them to help him crack the skasis paradigm and told Sarah Jane that she could be by his side forever young and whole. She replied, "Whether it's a world or a relationship, everything has it's time. Everything ends." He understands what she means now. And he understands what she wasn't say too: knowing everything ends doesn't stop it hurting any less.
The service ends, and the mourners file past Chloe and Luke and murmur their sympathies. The Doctor stands just behind them. He watches as Luke takes his sister's hand and stands strong in front of the prying eyes. He feels a flare of pride for his son. As most of the mourners leave, he steps forward to Luke's side. Luke notices him and leans against him. The Doctor puts an arm around his shoulders. Then he realises that Clara's father and Linda are approaching. Dave sticks out a hand to the Doctor.
"I'm Dave, Clara's father," he says.
"Doctor John Smith," the Doctor replies.
"Clara told he she was seeing a doctor," Dave says. He gives a wry laugh. "Another one."
The Doctor doesn't say anything. He just stands awkwardly. He knows that Dave is referring to his previous incarnation, and remembers with a cringe that as far as Dave and Linda knew he'd been standing in front of them naked. Not his finest moment. Dave turns to Luke and Chloe; Luke stands rigid while his grandfather hugs him, in contrast Chloe leans into the embrace. The Doctor squeezes Luke's shoulder; he understands what Luke's feeling.
"Listen, if you want to come stay with us, you're more than welcome," Dave says. Luke turns quickly to the Doctor, who stands there stunned. He realises suddenly that he could be about to loose not only Clara, but Chloe and Luke too. His hearts race as he stares into Luke's eyes. Then he realises Chloe's looking at him too.
"What are you going to do now?" she asks. He realises that he hasn't even thought about it. He never thought about what he'd do after Clara died, because he never really thought she would. But he knows what he wants to do.
"I'll be where ever you need me to be," he replies.
"I want to stay with the Doctor," Chloe says quickly.
"Me too," Luke whispers, still staring at him. And he realises that it's Luke's way of telling him he knows, and that he's accepted him. And despite everything, he smiles.
XOXOXOX
Luke stands in the back garden and stares up at the sky, imagining the stars he knows are there behind the light pollution. A twig snaps, drawing his attention, and he sees the Doctor approaching. Father and son stand, staring up at the sky, their postures identical right down to the way they flick the edges of their coats out.
It's Luke who breaks the silence, saying, "It isn't fair."
"No, it's not," the Doctor agrees.
"No, it's not fair that she only got a year with you," he says, looking away from the sky. "You made her happy. You made her come back to life. After dad died, she just stopped. Then you arrived and she started again. I got angry cause you could help her and I couldn't. But she loved you."
"And I loved her."
Luke nods.
"You know, I meant what I said earlier," the Doctor continues. "I'm here for as long as you need me."
Luke nods again, "Thanks dad."