There is nothing left, and yet still she stays.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Motionless.
She feels everything, and at the same time, empty. The search for A had consumed her life for what, five, four years? Haunted her every thought and defeated any happiness; ruined her family, her education, almost driven her insane. A made her out to be a liar, and here she stands vindicated, jubilant- A is dead, gone truly for good and they are the victors.
The crown sits hollows on her head, and on her heart. Aria, Emily and Hanna are gone, in a cloud of dizzy, heightened celebration mixed with anticipation for what lies ahead but she remains, trapped, in the bubble of what was.
She expected more than this. Life without A holds little; no excitement, suspense, just hockey matches and algebra tests. There is no villain to pursue and no thrill of the chase. A took everything from her, yet now she is meant to rejoice in the ashes of a life less lived?
Spencer Hastings is not a quitter; they fought to the death so why does she feel like A has won and she has lost? The pitying looks in the hallways, how public colleges have replaced UPenn on her resume; A quit when there was nothing left to play for. Her life both began and ended when they received that first text; it gave her an all consuming goal that swallowed her up and spit her out when all that was left of the girl she had once been was a pile of bones.
She has survived but surviving is not the same as living and certainly not the same as being alive. Sometimes, when day has faded to night and the suburbs are thick with fog, she will wait by the barn,in the spot where her nightmares twist with dreams.
In the darkness, she convinces herself that every sound, every crunch of a twig, blust of wind, heralds A's return. She is important again; the girl with all the answers, the girl who never gives up and can solve everything. This time, this time A will not cheat them with death, their questions will be answered and one by one she can slot the pieces of the puzzle together.
Morning comes and she is returned to a life she left years ago.
"The past was dead and the future was unimaginable"