"Shhh" Santana said with a smirk as she tried to wade through the discarded clothing, bottles, and papers on the floor of her dorm. Every step brought a crunch or a clink and she paused to make sure her roommate hadn't stirred. If she got caught sneaking yet another girl from her dorm room she was almost sure her roommate would bust her and get her kicked out. Visitors were strictly prohibited after eleven on a school night.
"Call me?" The girl whispered at the door of the room. Her hair was a mess, she had somehow managed to pull her clothes back on in the dark, but she still looked disheveled. Anyone who saw her would know she was doing the walk of shame.
"Honey I don't even remember your name." Santana said with a shrug, opening the door now, and pushing the girl out into the hall. She stepped out with her, gave her a kiss on the cheek, smiled, and waved as the girl made her way down the hallway, hoping no one was awake to catch her sneaking out.
Santana watched her go, her arms folded, and her back propped against the doorway of her room. She bit her lip as the girl's ass swayed back and forth before she rounded a corner and was out of sight. She was definitely hot. Maybe she should have remembered her name for future reference. Sandy? Sally? Samantha? Oh well.
Suddenly the sound of a door closing behind her was heard and Santana faked a yawn and pretended to just be stepping out of her room. It was early, only freaks got up this early. Classes didn't even start for another three hours. But she could pretend like she was getting an early start that day, right?
"You're disgusting" Rachel said softly, causing Santana to whip around and look up the hall to where the door had opened then closed. Rachel stood there having witnessed the whole thing, her arms folded, her head shaking back and forth as she stared at the girl just a few doors down. "I cannot believe you."
"Go screw yourself" Santana mumbled, shaking her head and reaching for her door, pushing it open.
"You don't have to be rude" Rachel stormed down the hallway and stopped Santana from going into her room. She peeked in to make sure her roommate was still asleep before slowly closing the door so their talking wouldn't wake her. "Do you really have to bring a new girl back to your room every night?"
"That is none of your business" Santana folded her arms and leaned against her door.
"It's my business when I have to see them leaving every morning or hear you through the paper thin walls all damn night."
"No" Santana lifted a finger, pointing it right in Rachel's face "It is absolutely none of your business! You lost the right to my life being any of your business when you broke up with me."
"So this is how you repay me? Spreading your legs for everything with nice breasts?" Rachel motioned down the hallway where the girl had just disappeared.
"Yeah" Santana snapped, shrugging her shoulders and pushing Rachel's hand away "I hope you hear me every time I come without you and remember how it used to feel." She leaned in close as she hissed the words in a whisper, hoping Rachel felt a sting at every single one of them.
"Stop" Rachel felt herself starting to choke up and tears starting to rise in her eyes. "You said you were fine, Santana. I did what I had to do. If my father found out-"
"What? What would your father do? Stop paying your tuition to this hoity toity snobbish school? You know damn well he would never demand you go home. He would probably disown you and then where would you be? Oh that's right, you would be with me, someone who loves you no matter what!"
"Stop it" Rachel closed her eyes and gave Santana a push to put some distance between them. "My family is all I have, Santana. If I lost them I would have nothing. I would be an embarrassment to generations. I am supposed to be someone, Santana. I am supposed to make something of my life. I thought you understood." Her voice cracked as tears spilled from her eyes now. Her heart hurt. It felt like it was going to shatter into pieces within her chest.
"I understand" Santana said with a shake of her head. She lifted a hand to her face and wiped at a quick tear before it could spill completely down her cheek "I get it. I am nothing-"
"Santana I never said-"
"But you just did! And you have so many times before. You are so fucking afraid of what your family will say that you've made me into nothing so you can lead your sham of a life." Her jaw tensed and she had to turn away. She didn't want Rachel to see her crying. She didn't fucking deserve to see how much she meant to her.
"My life is not a sham! You don't understand, Santana. You never understood me!"
"I am the only one that understands you!" She stepped forward now, her hands grabbing each side of Rachel's face and giving a bit of a shake so she had her full attention. "You are not what your family wants you to be. You fucking hate business, it bores you, and it makes you sick. You want to be a fucking artist. You want to paint the beauty of the world, the beauty that is lost in the vile world of money and backstabbing, the very world in which your family has lived and made a name for their selves." Tears were streaming down her face now but she couldn't stop them. "I am the only person who understands you, don't you see that?"
Rachel could hardly breathe through her sobbing now. All she could do was shake her head through her tears and choke out a soft "I can't" between shaky breaths.
"Fuck you" Santana nearly shouted but managed to bite it down to a soft roar "You can, Rachel. If anyone in this fucking world can, it is you. You are just afraid. You don't need them to be happy. I am the only one who makes you happy." Her hand dropped and she grabbed Rachel's wrist. She lifted it and pressed it to her chest, nodding her head "Do you feel that? That is real, Rachel. No matter how fucking scared you are, no matter how fucking much you hurt me, my heart beats for you. Don't you get it?"
"Santana" Rachel's head shook and her voice cracked as she stared up at the girl who she had unexpectedly fallen in love with. It hadn't been planned, obviously, she had never even looked at a girl in that way before she entered boarding school. She hadn't even wanted to go, but all the women in her family for a hundred years had attended and graduated from that school. It was tradition and she had no say in it just like everything else in her life.
Her family was traditional, pristine, and very well known throughout Massachusetts. She had grown up in a world where privacy didn't exist and public image was everything. Her mother married into the family because, well, it was a privilege to snag someone in the Berry bloodline as a mate. Her father was a sixth generation banker. His ancestors had practically built banking from the ground up in the New England area just after the depression and have been high society since then. Her older sister had already married a wealthy family friend. It was a bit like incest, how the rich all married the rich, and Rachel had never wanted to be a part of that world.
"You know I love you" Rachel choked out, lifting her hands and pulling at Santana's wrists, trying to get out of the girl's grip. Her touch was just too much for her to handle. "But I did what I did because it was for the best."
"For who?" Santana nearly wailed, her face twisted in pain as tears continued to stream freely down her cheeks.
"For me" Rachel whispered, still pulling at Santana's wrists. "For you."
"That's bullshit" Santana hissed, her head shaking now "For your fucking family, that's who. You're too afraid to be who you really are so you protect them and coddle them. For what? What has it gotten you?"
"I want this" Rachel finally pulled herself out of Santana's grip and pushed away her hands "I don't want to hurt you anymore and all you will ever have with me is pain." Her chin trembled as she spoke and she was fighting a fresh round of tears.
"That is garbage and you know it" Santana's hands reached up and again trapped Rachel's face. This time she pulled her in and pressed her lips to Rachel's in a fierce, hungry kiss. The both of them sobbed through it as their lips parted and they feasted off one another's lips.
It was several moments before Rachel managed to somehow get her hands between herself and Santana and push her away, her head shaking as her fingers lifted to her lips that still tingled from the kiss "Santana, please stop this. I can't be with you."
"You felt it" Santana whispered, biting at her lower lip to keep it from trembling. She turned now and punched her fist right into her door, causing a loud thud to echo through the halls. If everyone wasn't already awake from their argument they were now.
"Santana, please!" Rachel sobbed, taking a step forward and reaching her hand out to touch Santana's arms.
"Don't" Santana whipped her arm out of reach and shook her head. Her lip curled in near disgust as she looked at the girl in front of her. "I hope it eats you alive. I hope not a day goes by that you don't puke thinking about what a coward you are and what you've lost just to keep an image."
Several girls now had their heads peeking out of their doorways, watching the scene unfolded. Santana gripped at her hand that throbbed with pain that was mild compared to the ache in her heart. Her head shook and she took a few steps backwards "Have a nice life. I hope you practiced your fake smile."
As Santana turned and stumbled down the hallway, Rachel just stood there alone. Her head shook and her face crunched as tears now took over. Her hands covered her face and she slumped to the ground on the spot, her body raked now with sobs. Santana was right. She would never be happy, never live the life she wanted, and it was because she was a coward. She was too afraid to love the only person who ever truly loved her.