Dear Diamond,

Happy birthday! Or happy belated birthday, I should say. I'm guessing that by the time this letter reaches you it will be about three months after your birthday. Normally it wouldn't take that long but I'm not in Sinnoh right now. It probably didn't help that I didn't remember to send this out until a week after your birthday... Oopsie! I'll admit, total gaffe on my part, my bad. Oh well, what's done is done. Anyway, right now, as I'm writing this, Father and I are in the Johto region on some top secret, hush-hush Hunter's Guild business and we probably won't be back for a few months. I wish we could come back sooner but I don't need to tell you how these things tend to drag on longer than unexpected, am I right? Oh well, it can't be helped. I'm hoping that we'll be back in Sinnoh by the time this letter reaches you. Maybe we'll even stop by Twinleaf Town and pay you and your mom a visit before we head back to the Iron Islands.

So how are you doing little brother? I'm doing marvelously, as per usual. But then again, it's pretty hard not to feel marvelous when you live a life like mine. Honestly Diamond, I still don't understand why you chose to give all of this up, I really don't. I'm sure being a civilian has its perks. I don't know what they are but I'm sure it does. But just think about all of the adventures you could be having with Father and me! Sure, you're liable to lose a finger or two when you pal around with us but what's a digit compared to endless thrills and debauchery? Nothing, that's what. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a no good, limp wristed, teat suckling nerd as far as I'm concerned. Excluding you, of course.

That reminds me, I have an urgent message from Father to give you. It seems like this little "vacation" of yours is going to end soon. I know this must sound like a broken record to you at this point but he wants you to come back to Iron Island to complete your training. He means serious business this time. The words "effective immediately" and "no excuses" were used. He even banged his fist on the table once. Shit was crazy. Now before you get uppity and throw this letter away like the others (don't act like you don't, I already know that you do), there's a sense of urgency to it this time around and there are a few things need explaining. As in, imperative as fuck things. So take a deep breath, un-bunch those panties, sit your ass back down, and keep reading jerk.

Okay. Any reasonable minded person could see that Father does an amazing job as Sinnoh's Huntsmaster. But due to a series of recent... unfortunate deaths in the line of duty, some of the lesser Hunters are beginning to doubt his leadership. I'm not at liberty to tell you how many deaths there have been, just know that it was enough to spread malaise and dissension in our ranks. Every Hunter worth his salt knows that dying on the job is always a real possibility for us but try telling that to the idiots we have left. Now if anyone so much as stubs their toe it's somehow Father's fault. Those troglodytes love to nitpick and debate him on every decision he makes and it's all getting to be a bit too much. Father needs something to defuse the tensions around here and that, dear brother, is where you come in.

You see, you've become one of the biggest points of contention around here since you left three years ago. I'm sure you're aware of this already but not everyone was happy about your decision to leave. Many of them took it as a sign of weakness on Father's part unfortunately. After all, it's not every day that the Huntsmaster lets his heir break the oath to live amongst the cake eaters. These days Father can't go two sentences without someone dropping your name into the conversation as if you're the main issue here when you're really not. Do you see where I'm going with this? Father thinks that he'll win some kind of spiritual victory A Huntsmaster shouldn't have to cater to this level of bullshit but if it will give Father some supporters back then so be it. Them's the breaks, kiddo. It's time to quit hiding and finally embrace your destiny, little brother. I know this news must be heart-wrenching for you. If you need something to cry into, I left some tissues in the presents I sent you.

Hey, since I'm a bad ass at making segues, let's talk about your presents. You've noticed them by now, right? There should be two of them. Hopefully my messenger didn't drop them on the way over there, he's a bit... absentminded. Anyway, since we're unmanned and overworked right now, we can't send anyone to Twinleaf Town to come get you. As such, we're counting on you to make the journey to the Iron Islands on your own (don't even think about staying home, we'll know if you do). The presents I sent you are meant to both incentivise and help you on your new journey. I'm not going to tell you what's in them (where's the fun in that?) but I have a feeling that you're going to love them.

In closing, please come back to us Diamond. Don't think that this isn't all about politics; Father and I miss you very much. Especially me. I know that we didn't exactly part on good terms (understatement of the century, I know) but I'm willing to bury the hatchet as long as you are. And no, I'm not being facetious, duplicitous, a "flippant two-faced bitch" or anything else that that cute, little, paranoid head of yours can come up with. I really do miss you, little brother. Write back soon!

Hugs and Kisses,

Sharon

"What a load of bullshit," I grumbled. More Hunter's crap, just as I had expected. You would think that they would give up on me after three years. I don't know why I thought this time would be any different; Sharon never sent me anything unless she could harangue me with more Hunter's crap. With disdainful curiosity I flipped the page to see if there was anything written on the other side.

P.S. Do you like the Murkrow that I sent to deliver your letter? His name's Preston! Isn't he a cutie? You can keep him if you like. He could help you on your journey!

P.S.S. No, seriously, keep him. I can't fucking take it anymore.

"Oh no..." I groaned.

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" Preston squawked as he continued to flail around and destroy everything in my room, just as he had been doing since the moment he got here. I had somehow managed to block out Preston's antics while I was reading the letter but the mere mention of him had made me conscious to his bullshit as sharply as if someone had violently slapped me awake.

I buried my face in my hands. I was having such a peaceful day until Preston showed up. I had been typing up an article for my blog, feeling right the fuck at ease, until this lunatic flew through my open window with a letter in his beak, two gift boxes strapped to his feet, and a desire to thrash around the room like each of his limbs was having it's own separate seizure. I had spent the last hour trying to make him fly away or, at the very least, calm the fuck down and stop breaking my stuff but only ended up with scratches on my arms and a mouth full of feathers for my troubles. I figured that it was best to just ignore him until I could figure out how to get rid of him. Well, tried to ignore him anyway; his squawking was like having a screaming baby in one ear and a revving chainsaw in the other.

Desperate to get my mind off of Preston's batshittery, I balled up Sharon's letter and turned my attention to her presents. One of the boxes was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand and wrapped in plain blue wrapping paper while the other was two feet long and, for whatever reason, was wrapped in dirty, yellowed newspapers. I picked up the smaller one first, mostly because I didn't want to touch the other one.

"Let's see what she sent this ti- Oh hell no," I said as I opened the box to find an Ultra Ball sitting snugly in the center atop a cushion of what looked to be used tissues. I didn't know why I was surprised; this wasn't the first time she had sent me Pokemon from her collection in transparent attempts to get me back into Pokemon training and, by extension, Pokemon hunting. Irritably, I put the lid back on the box and slid it under my bed. My hope was that if I left the ball unopened long enough the Pokemon inside would eventually die of starvation. Cruel? Yeah, but I wasn't about to take any chances here. Unfortunately for me, her idea for a new starter Pokemon for me was usually along the lines of "rabid Mightyena" or "stab-happy Beedrill" or "explosively flatulent Weezing".

I picked up the letter and the other present and dumped them in the waste basket I kept in the corner of the room. I didn't care what was in the other present anymore, it was probably going to be just as awful and dangerous as anything else she's ever sent me. Our dad may have wanted me back but I knew for a fact that Sharon didn't. That stupid, sickly sweet, overly saccharine tone she used in her letters wasn't fooling anybody. I knew that she still hated me just as much as I hated her. Why else would she repeatedly pretend to be helping me and then send me murderous Pokemon unless she wanted me dead? There are Siamese Twins that aren't as two-faced as my sister. If I had a dollar for every time she had been genuinely nice to me, I'd have a nickel. I was contemplating whether or not it would be safer to take both presents out back and set them on fire when I heard a crash on the floor behind me. I spun around to find Preston perched on my dresser, callously knocking over my My Little Ponyta figurines... that I kept for ironic purposes. Strictly ironic purposes.

"That does it," I growled. By God, if anyone was going to destroy my totally-rad-and-manly-and-so-not-for-girls My Little Ponyta collectables for men, it was going to be me. I crouched down until my face was level with Preston's, who was too preoccupied with being a feathery, brain-dead asshole to even notice my presence. I gripped him by the brim of his weird, built-in hat, turned his head to face me, glared right into his beady, little eyes, and said, "Preston. On the count of three I'm going to kill you with my bare hands. It will be slow. It will painful. And it will be oh so merciless. Don't think that I won't do it either. I was trained to do exactly that not too long ago... That window," I said, gesturing to the window on the wall behind me, "is your only means for escape. Unless you're fond of ruthless ass whoopings, I strongly suggest you take it. You have been warned Preston."

We stared at each other for a moment, neither of us making a sound. He blinked at me absentmindedly for a second and then glanced over my shoulder at the window. For one fleeting, glorious moment, I thought he was going to actually listen to me and fly away... until he turned away from me and continued his idiocy spasms unabated.

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" he cried, knocking over the rest of my My Little Stopjudgingmefuckyou dolls. I sighed and turned my back to him.

"You brought this on yourself Preston. One..." I glanced over my shoulder to see if he had reacted at all. He didn't. Shocker. "...I own a pair of brass knuckles Preston. Just saying."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Two... Seriously, this beating's gonna be insane. Not to brag or anything but my aptitude for fisticuffs is ridiculous. Totes ridiculous. I'm seeing crazy roundhouse kicks and sweet elbow drops in your future Preston. You better run while you still can. Like right now... Literally right now. Leave. Get out. Do it."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Two and a half..."

"Krow krow krow-"

"...Two and three quarters..."

"Krow-"

"Threeeeeeeeeeeee-" I screeched as I pretended to attack him with a karate chop. "-eeeeeeeeeeeooooooooohhhhhhh screw it..." I said, leaving my hand hovering an inch above his beak. I was hoping he would get scared at the last second and fly away but the little bastard didn't even flinch. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. "Fine. Well played. You called my bluff Preston, well done. I commend you for your bravery in the face of-SNEAK ATTACKS!" I yelled, shadowboxing halfheartedly at his face. When that didn't work either, I said, "Am I dead? Am I in hell right now? I'm in hell, aren't I?"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Shut up."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Shut up right now."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Shut up shut up shut up shut up-I can do it too asshole-shut up shut shut up shut up shut up-"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you-"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE-"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!"

"Ugh!" I said, plopping down onto my bed in defeat. My face was hot, my throat was sore from screaming like an idiot, and my head was pounding from a burgeoning migraine. I pulled a pillow over my face in a vain attempt to block out the noise and the pain. But Preston was adamant in his quest to be the biggest piece of shit in the room. The pillow did nothing to block the squawking and every utterance of 'krow!' felt like a pistol whip to the brain. "Okay. I'll bite," I said in deadpan resignation as I threw the pillow away. "What will it take for you to leave me alone?"

To my surprise, Preston stopped squawking and turned his head towards me so sharply that it made me flinch. He flew the short distance between my dresser and my computer table and hopped onto my printer. He pulled a piece of paper out of it with his beak and placed it in the center of my desk. He looked up at me and gave me a jaunty 'krow!' before, without warning, pecking a fist sized hole into my desk and sticking his head through it.

"What the hell are you doing?" I screamed, rushing towards the desk.

"Krow!" he replied merrily as he pulled his head back out with a pen in his beak. I pulled at a handful of my hair as I stared blankly at him with my jaw dropped in exasperation.

"Mom's going to kill me... I can't even... You see this?" I asked as I opened and closed the drawer that the pen was in. "This is what we humans call a drawer. We open these to get what we want so we DON'T HAVE TO EVISCERATE THE FURNITURE EVERY TIME WE WANT A GOD DAMN- I'm explaining the concept of drawers to a Murkrow," I said, realizing the absurdity and uselessness of the situation. Completely unfazed by my outburst, Preston placed the pen next to the sheet of paper and pointed at it with his wing.

"Krow."

"No."

"Krow!"

"Go to hell bird. I know what you're trying to do and you can forget it. I'm not gonna write back to that devil-beast and there's nothing you can-" He pecked two more giant holes into the wood. "...You're a piece of shit Preston. Give me the damn pen..."

"Murkrow!" he exclaimed happily as he placed the pen in my outstretched hand. I pulled out my chair and as I sat down, Preston flew up and perched himself on my shoulder.

"You owe me a new desk..." I grumbled as I began to write.

Dear Incredibitch,

"MuuuurrrrrKRRRROOOOOWWWWW-

"Okay, okay, I'm changing it! Happy now?"

Dear Sharon,

My heart goes out to the all the Hunters that have died. Truly. You people may be fucked in the head but I know that at least some of you are well intentioned. But that doesn't mean I'll be joining you fucks anytime soon. I have plenty of business to take care of my own, thank you very much. You see, while you were out adventuring, I was taken in by the exciting world of internet journalism. I now maintain a blog called the Diamond in the Rough (sweet name, I know) where I review cutting edge music and obscure movies. I also expound my opinions on topics that pique my interest for the nescient masses. I am a Miltank, the masses are my wisdom starved charges, and my blog is the gross, protruding teat that dispenses piping hot enlightenment into their fervently sucking lips.

I'm kind of a big fucking deal is what I'm saying. Them's the breaks, sicko. If you want to cry about it then please refrigerate your tears so I that I may imbibe with them gleeful abandon at a later date.

Besides, having me back wouldn't solve anything. I was a terrible Hunter to begin with, don't you remember? Of course you do. You never let me forget it when we were training together. Your real problem is that you're undermanned, right? Well, if you need more violent psychopaths for your brigade of violent psychopaths wouldn't it make more sense to, I don't know, recruit some actual violent psychopaths? That just seems like common sense to me. But then again, considering that y'all are still arguing over something that happened three years ago while all of your friends are dying, maybe common sense just comes more naturally to me then you people.

And it's not like Sinnoh has a shortage of crazies these days either. I'm sure you've heard of Team Galactic, they've been all over the news lately. If you haven't, they're these space terrorist assholes that go around stealing electricity and other people's Pokemon. No one really knows what they want but I like to think that they're just a bunch of misguided nerds trying to get Star Slog back on the air. If that's the case, more power to them. That show was the bomb diggity. On the other hand, we have the Othersiders or whatever the fuck they're called. They're this glorified street gang that showed up out of nowhere and started terrorizing Sandgem Town of all places. Most of them are just dumb, low level thugs but I their leader's supposed to be this really scary dude who shows up in the middle of the night and abducts people from their houses without a trace. Personally, I don't believe the rumors but the idea of having someone like that so close to Twinleaf Town is a little unsettling...

You know what? Forget I said (wrote?) anything. The last thing Sinnoh needs is for Team Galactic, the Hunters and the Otherfuckers to team up. Stay the fuck away from the mainland.

Oh, and the next time you send me a letter, send it with a messenger that isn't batshit up the rookery. Or better yet, send me an e-mail like someone who wasn't raised in a cave. I know that might be difficult for you since you actually were raised in a cave but you're an intelligent little sociopath, I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually. I believe in you. But do you know what would be even better than an e-mail? You never contacting me again. Because, if it somehow isn't clear by now dear sister, I hate your guts.

With Spite and Vitriol,

Diamond

P.S. You're unattractive.

"Murkrow!" Preston cried happily as I finished. I rolled up the new letter and put it in his beak. He hopped back onto the desk and gave me an awkward salute with his wing. "Murkrow!"

"Yeah, yeah, don't make a show out of it. Get out of here already you little-" Before I even finished my sentence, Preston darted off the table and instead of going through the open portion of the window, smashed through the glass instead. "Why? Why would you do that? I-Just-God damn it!" I said, shaking my head in defeat. I looked around my room; it looked like a miniature tornado swept through it. Black feathers, wood chips, broken glass, books flung from their shelves, perfectly good My Little Ponyta memorabilia on the floor- this was going to take forever to clean up. "Fuck it..." I grumbled. Dealing with Sharon and Preston had completely drained me of energy. It was only six in the afternoon but it felt like midnight. Stepping over the rubble, I flopped face first onto my bed and immediately fell asleep.

Author's Note

Howdy! Welcome to Diamond Fists Redux. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I know in the last chapter of the original Diamond Fists that I wouldn't be writing for this site anymore but you can't keep a good shitty author down for long! I ended the old Diamond Fists very abruptly because I was dissatisfied with the plot, some of the characters, and numerous other things. That's why I've decided to make a "re-imagining" of the old story instead of a straight up, beat for beat, remake, hence the redux in the title. Since this is a re-imagining, I'm going to be taking some elements from the old story like characters and certain plot points but I'll also be putting new twists on them and if you've already read the original story that should be plenty evident already. If you're a new reader, hey there! In case you haven't realized it by now, just because his name is Diamond doesn't mean that he's the same Diamond from the manga. Where the manga Diamond is a happy-go-lucky glutton, mine is an ornery, hipster douche bag. I mean, come on. Berets with scarves? How are you not a hipster? Also, it doesn't matter if you haven't read the old one. I would prefer that you didn't read it all actually since I'm hoping that this will be a superior story. Here's hoping I don't screw it up this time!

Cheers!