Sacrifice
Coming back from Sweets' office, I couldn't help but mull over his words. I knew I'd been in love with Booth for years, but I had never admitted it. Despite not believing in psychology, I knew that a relationship between Booth and me would never work, even though I wanted it more than anything.
Unable to take the silence anymore and wanting to convince Booth not to try, because I knew he'd been mulling over Sweets' words also, I started to talk about what was occupying both our minds.
'This book Sweets wrote that being abandoned by my parents made me convinced that all meaningful relationships are doomed.'
Seeming to come out of his stupor, Booth responded in kind.
'Hey, he wrote that I got 'White Knight Syndrome' because of my physically abusive alcoholic father.'
'I hate psychology', I said. I knew it was predictable but there was definite truth to it this time. I hated it because it made me deal with anything that I didn't want to admit to.
Booth stopped walking suddenly, and I knew what was coming. He was taking Sweets' words to heart.
'I'm the gambler," he started, and I knew what was coming, 'I believe in giving this a chance. Look, I wanna give this a shot.'
Unable to believe he'd actually be so brave, I questioned what he was talking about.
'You mean us?' and when Booth nodded, I knew I had to persuade him against it, 'No, the FBI won't let us work together...'
Booth cut me off, 'Don't do that! That is no reason...' Unable to take it anymore, we booth leaned in for a kiss. I loved it, but I knew I couldn't get carried away. He didn't understand what he was getting into. I needed to protect him from being hurt. I needed to sacrifice my love for him so that he could be happy.
I pulled away, 'No! No!' I couldn't let him do it.
He looked so confused and miserable, I almost gave in, but when he questioned why, I knew I had to save him.
'You, you thought you're protecting me but you're the one who needs protecting.'
'Protecting from what?' He didn't understand – couldn't he see I was trying to save him. Couldn't he understand that I would do anything for him. Couldn't he see that while I might want a relationship with him more than anything, it wouldn't work. Couldn't he see I was trying to sacrifice everything I felt for him so that he could be happy. Why couldn't he understand?
'From me!' I said as I choked slightly on my words. 'I don't have your kind of open heart.'
'Just give it a chance, that's all I'm asking.' I couldn't do that – if I ever gave it a chance, I knew that I would love being with him too much to ever give it up. I couldn't do it.
'No, you said it yourself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.' I needed to become colder now, more distant more analytical but I couldn't seem to pull it off. It was like someone wanted him to see how much this hurt me.
'Then let's go for a different outcome. Alright, let's just hear me out, alright? You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for thirty, or forty or fifty years. It's always the guy who says 'I knew'. I knew, right from the beginning.' Both of us knew that we would love each other eventually, but in this case, I knew there couldn't be a happy ending.
'You're evidence is anecdotal.' Please stop trying to make me hurt you. Please – I just want you to be happy!
'I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy. I know.' Couldn't he tell how much this was hurting me to hurt him. That seeing the tears in his eyes was breaking my heart. I may act cold and emotionless but Booth knew that I felt, he knew that this was tearing me apart.
'I,' my voice broke slightly, 'I am not a gambler. I am a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how!' Please understand what I am telling you 'I don't know how!' The tear that had been clutching my eyelash finally fell and when I saw the look on his face, I knew I had effectively ended any chance we had to being together. I should have felt better but all I could think was how much this was hurting. 'Please don't look so sad.'
'Right.' I knew he understood and as he leant against the railing, looking miserable, I swear I felt a part of myself close off. A part I felt would never open to anyone again.
'You're right. You're right.'
'Can we still work together?' Would I still see him or had I hurt him too much? I knew it was torture, but I needed to have Booth in my life, even if it was only as a friend. He meant too much to me.
'Yeah.' I nodded, relieved that I hadn't cut him out of my life completely.
'Thank you!'
'But I gotta move on.' I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Wiping away a tear that fell earlier, I tried to look like it didn't hurt me as much as it did. I understood, I really did, but it hurt so badly that I just wanted to leave. As he talked more about finding someone that was going to love him for thirty or forty of fifty years, I knew no matter who he found, I would always love him and no-one else forever. He was the one person who understood me and he is the only person I could ever be with. In the future I may have relationships but I would never love anyone again. I had to learn to accept that Booth would date other people and eventually love someone else. I had to mask my hurt at these actions because I knew that it was the only way that Booth could ever be happy.
'I know.' I had to get away so he wouldn't see how much it was hurting me. As we walked away, I bumped shoulders with him, just needing to feel close to him. It wasn't enough. Grabbing his arm and tucking my head in the crevice by his neck, I felt safer and more at peace than I had at any time during the evening. Even though I would never be in a romantic relationship with Booth, I knew that I had done what was best. He needed to move on and find someone who could provide him with everything I couldn't. I might love him for the rest of my days but I could never make him happy. I could never give him a family.