It started with a bench.

She wasn't sure why she had allowed her feet to drag her here, to this place. Their place. After a year of avoiding it. But after the consumption of a litre of vodka straight from the bottle she felt no sense of control. She never did anymore. So here she was, fully equipt with a fresh bottle of liqor and a piece of paper hanging delicatly between her fingers.

" i don't know why im here .. " she let out a dry laugh sinking further down into the rough wooden bench, feeling pieces of stray wood drag harshly against her bare legs as her body slumped lifelessly.

Dipping her head back she stared up at the sky, black. Her wide blue eyes trailed lazily around the width of the sky that appeared in her view, it was nice. Pitch black, illuminated with the odd scatter of star clusters.

Her eyes finally settled on a stray one, one that was standing boldly alone. Despite the absense of the light from others it some how managed to catch her eye, hold her attention. It wasn't because it was the brightest star, or the biggest. There was just something about it that made her stare, made it imposible to look away. Just like the first time she laid eyes on her.

" im lost, em. " the strain in her voice made her cringe. Inhaling a shaky breath she blinked hard. She allowed it. Allowed the stray tear to stroll slowly down her cheek. She hadn't cried since it happened. She had forgoten how too. Between the lines of abusing alcohol and drugs on a daily basis and the countless one night stands, she'd forgoten. Forgoten how to feel.

" i saw katiekins the other day " She let her eyes remain closed, loosing herself in thought. Enjoying the feeling of the cold breeze washing over her barely clothed skin, it probably wasn't the best choice of clothing, a thin vest top, short black skirt and tights covered in gaping holes. collateral damage of lastnights shag. But it made do.

" she didn't look at me, i don't think she could bring herself too " Licking her dry lips she brought the vodka bottle she was nursing carefully in her left hand to her lips, wrapping her long slender fingers around the rim taking sevral large gulps, enduring the burning sensation in her throat with a fleeting tongue. Letting the bottle rest on the bench next to her once more.

"i don't blame her you know, for not wanting to talk to me. I think she still blames me, for what happened.. they all blame me, i blame me. Fuck .. of course i blame me" It had been a year, a year since Emily had left, since her Emily became her own person again. Since Naomi realised that Emily wasn't her Emily anymore.

They had all fallen away from her one by one, First Emily, then Katie, JJ , Pandora. Because it was her fault Emily left wasn't it? Her fault she had fled to Italy. Her fault for cheating on her, her fault for Emily loosing herself, her fault for chasing her back into the shell she'd worked so hard on pulling her out of.

Effy had stayed, held Naomi's body close to her own on countless nights, hushed her to sleep in the safety of her thin arms. Shared her vodka, shared her spliff's. Shared herself. She didn't turn her back on her because Effy knew. She knew what it was like to fuck things up, to make mistakes, to let people down because afterall were all only human. She knew what it was like to live a little harder than other people, She knew what it was like to loose. To be lost. But most importantly, she knew what it was like to change, and that although everything might seem shattered, it dosen't mean it's completely broken. She didn't belive they were completely broken. Only learning.

And then there was Cook, he was there when he needed to be. It was funny Naomi thought, how he knew when she needed him, and how he knew when to piss off without the slightest word passing her lips. It was nice sometimes, having him around. He'd stay the nights Effy didn't, he'd call her blondie because he knew it was the only thing he seemed to be able to do in order to see the hint of a smile crack her lips, he'd attempt to pull conversation out of her, failing of course. Because she didn't find the reason to talk anymore, she'd forgoten how to like she'd fogoten everything else. His questions were answered by simple nods, and he was fine with that, he accepted that she didn't talk, he didn't question it, because he like Effy knew that nothings ever perfect. But given time, things aren't always so bad.

" How was goa? " Naomi had given Emily the tickets right before she left, because in all honesty. She couldn't bring herself to go alone, Goa was there thing. Not hers. And if she wasn't going with Emily, then she wasn't going at all. She'd found out Emily had gone with a friend. Friend, at least that's how Naomi had decided to hear it. She couldn't bare the thought of anyone else touching Emily, tracing lazy patterns on her soft stomach, feeling her warm breath against the crook of their neck as she slipped off into a deep sleep, the way her husky voice sounded thick with sleep in the mornings as she pleaded for ' ten more minutes in bed ', the way her body trembled as her lips grazed the spot just behind her ear. She couldn't bare the thought of anyone admiring the little things about her she'd spent years discovering herself. Like the way her nose scrunched up when she was deep in thought, or the way her lips parted slightly when she was listening intently to something, or how her finger trailed repetedly across the underside of her chin when she was concentrating. Naomi had learned these things not by choice but by observing her for so long, the traits had imprinted themselves firmly on her mind. Why couldn't she forget those like she'd forgoten how to do things for herself?

" I went to London for a bit " She reached into her pocket withdrawing a packet of cigarettes reaching in she pryed one from the pack with a shaky hand, placing it between her lips lighting the end before shoving the packet back into her pocket.

She'd gone to London for a few weeks, alone. She had gone in hopes of clearing her mind, fixing out her thoughts. But as she suspected, being in a big town, surrounded in unfamiliar faces had only left her crippled with loneliness. It was an old familiar feeling. One she used to call her best friend. She spent most of the time in the room, hiding under the safety of her duvet only surfacing when she needed to eat, or wash. Honestly, she didn't do much of either. Lost the reason too.

Taking a long drag of her fag she wrapped two slender fingers round the butt of it. She'd gotten much skinnier, too skinny. Skinny to the point of Effy of all people nagging her to eat. 'please eat something' , 'naoms i haven't seen you eat in days' she knew she probably should try and eat something, its not that she was doing it on purpose, she was just too caught up in thought most of the time , like everything else , she forgot.

Finally letting her eyes flutter open after what felt like hours she let her gaze focus on the star once more, her eyes were drained. She used to take pride in her eyes, compliments flew from everywhere, they were so blue, so intense, so passionate. They had now been reduced to nothing. They were dull, on most occasions blood shot from smoking spliff, rimmed with tears threatening to fall, however they never did. But even to her own surprise they had lost their sparkle, the one that shone bright every time Emily used to appear in her vision. But she was gone, she had stolen her sparkle. She deserved it.

" This is my fault, i know that. i deserve this, but .. " Letting her eyebrows knot together tightly she stared down at the burnt out fag perched between her two fingers , tossing it aside she brought her hand up to wipe away the unfamilair feeling of dampness from under her eyes, sniffling slightly.

" I didn't want to let you down, b-but you let me down .. " Wrapping her hand back around the bottle of vodka she gripped it tightly, her knuckles turning an odd shade of white from the intensity of her grip.

" You took me away from being me and made it all about being us, that's when i lost it ems, that's when i lost me. i did't know what to do, i'd only just found myself then i watched it, i watched as i let myself slip through my fingers and become a shadow, a shadow in our relationship" Bringing the bottle to her lips again she took a few large gulps of the vodka, placing it back down beside her, her fingers fidgeting with the piece of paper hanging limply in her right hand.

Sniffling slightly she inhaled a calm breath, drying her tears one last time before reaching into her pocket withdrawing the contents of it, her escape.

" Im going away for a bit, there's nothing left for me here anymore y'know .. " She smiled softly, letting her eyes scan the area surrounding her, it's peaceful. Content, just how she remembered it to be the first time she and Emily had discovered it. Tracing her finger delicatly along the surfface of the bench she felt her fingertips dip into the engravement just under her leg. A small smile tugging at the corners of her lips ' EF & NC ' enclosed in a heart . The carving still felt fresh under her fingertips, despite the fact Emily had done it a little over a year ago.

" I wrote you this letter, thought maybe you- I just wanted to let you know before i left " Her voice had reduced to a whisper, she was well aware she was talking to herself. It's not like Emily was actually there, listening to her. But she liked to pretend that maybe, somehow, she could hear her.

Her eyes scanned over the letter before gently placing it under the bottle of vodka to prevent the wind picking it up and tossing it around in it's angry journey to nowhere. She wished the wind could pick her up, take her off to nowhere.

It didn't hurt as much as she expected it would, the blade sliced easily through the soft, delicate skin of her wrists. Letting the blade drop from her blood soaked fingertips, she dipped her head back to look at the sky, her hands hanging limply on each side of her, sprawled lifelessly across the harsh material of the bench. It didn't take long for things to slowly become faded, she let her eyelids flutter closed after a few moments of taking in the view of bristol one last time. So here she was, Naomi fucking campbell, ' i don't need anyone ', heart of stone Campbell. Alone, Taking her own life because for her the act of pretending she didn't need anyone just wasn't working anymore.

I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you forever.

Naomi.

She never really had a way with words, but after hours of crumpling up pieces of paper filled from top to bottom with words, Naomi settled for something that rested neatly between the space of two lines, it wasn't confusing, it wasn't over thought. It was simple, It screamed out loud exactly how she felt, how she'd been trying to understand for herself how she felt. That's the most Emily could drain from her now.

It ended with a bench.