A/N: This is probably the only Harry/Hermione that I would ever write. For God knows, I hate that pairing, but it's the only one suitable for this fic, so here you are. Please tell me what you think about it at the review, as I have mixed feelings to this special fic that was dragged kicking and screaming from me. Thanks beforehand J
Just
Friends
"So, have you asked her?"
"Yes, I have." He nodded, looking down at the table. Was he avoiding my eyes? Was he afraid to see what he might see if he looked in my eyes? What did he expect to see? Pain? Anger?
I continued to smile, teasing him. Asking him how he asked Rachel to be his girlfriend. While praying to any deities above that the smile reached my eyes.
Am I really hurt? Is it possible that I don't even know myself? Why is it that I can't even tell what my own feelings are?
Do I love him as a friend? Or is it more than that?
It has been six years. Six long years of knowing him. And I still can't differentiate whether I feel love or friendship for the black-haired boy sitting in front of me. All I know is that the feelings I have for him, as a friend or otherwise, is too strong. And that if he asked, I won't say no.
In these six years, he never asked.
I saw him go through a relationship with Cho. And perhaps in a childish act of defiance, I entered into one with Viktor. He didn't show a single sign of pain. Except for a few looks of disappointment that I probably imagined.
On the days when I feel that I've lost my mind, I imagine that he loves me, and is just too afraid of risking our friendship to ask. Perhaps it is true, for I do feel something from him. Yet it is all too possible this is all just part of my imagination.
When I found out that he started another relationship, the feelings I had were mixed. I continued to smile and laugh as usual. But in my heart? I wasn't crying, but neither was I smiling. I don't actually know what I feel.
I am not jealous of Rachel. Truly, I am not. I was never jealous of Cho either. Perhaps, it is because of the fact that I always knew, long after they left his life, I would still be here. I will last. They will not. Perhaps, in this way, this is better.
Whenever anyone asks, I always answer with conviction that we are just friends. Some believe, some don't. I smile wryly; now there is no choice. He already has another girlfriend.
He still treats me as his best friend. He always turns up when I ask him to, and never fail to help me when I need him. This should be enough. Still, it is only human nature to be greedy. I want to be that special part of his life. Maybe I already am?
I am so afraid I have been deceiving myself all this while. Deceiving myself that I am important to him, when I am actually unimportant. A friend that can be easily replaced.
All I have to do is to ask him. One simple question. A question that refuses to pass from my lips: Am I important in your life?
As long as there is hope, I can always cling onto it. I will not be lost.
I am too terrified. Too terrified of hearing something I do not want to. Thus, the question will always remain unspoken. Trying to get out, but never finding the way out. So it will be, that we will always just remain as friends.
The other day, Ginny showed me a book titled, "Can a man and a woman be just friends?" The answer was, " Have you ever seen pigs fly?" That girl, I don't even know if she was making fun of me.
But we are really not just friends. At least to me, he is more than a friend. What I feel for him is so complex, even I can't understand it. Still, when you truly care for someone, the feelings are always complex.
Perhaps, I will never know.