AN: Ok so I was thinking about Tony's anxiety and nightmares and PTSD and it reminded me of Boston Legal's Alan Shore somewhat. Which led me to re-watch a few episodes and then I thought, yeah, this could happen.
And here we are. Takes place a few months after Iron Man 3, but disregards its dumb ending where Tony has surgery.
Also I couldn't find a whole lot of info out there, so if I'm totally off about some things, well, its fiction...
The Avengers, -minus Thor who was back on Asgard- had all assembled in what Tony had dubbed the "Fury Room" but everyone else referred to as simply, the 'briefing room' when it happened. Everything was going smoothly, the debrief was typical with Steve taking the lead and the other Avengers chipping in here and there with their own tid bits, Tony however was bored and was discreetly using his mini Starkpad to google himself.
Fury turned and eyed Tony critically. "Mr. Stark, care to add anything?" When the man didn't answer he rubbed his forehead and sighed, " Stark!"
Tony glanced up and cracked his knuckles. "Phisban green melon dug north." He shrugged.
Steve sighed, Tony never took anything seriously, it was all a big joke to him.
Clint gave Natasha a looked that said, here we go again.
The other Avengers were quiet, wondering why their teammate felt the need to antagonize Fury.
Fury placed his palms flat on the table, his expression flat and dangerous. "Come again?"
Tony was bored, he didn't have time for this when Capsicle was perfectly capable of handling the de-brief on his own. The mission had been routine, nothing exciting to report, he should be home by now fixing the few dents to his armor. Then he could start on upgrades and building better suits since he had lost so many in the battle with Extremis. He needed to be ready the next time something big happened. He frowned at Fury, seriously did the man have to make that face? "Growling mountains ball green soup and radish." He poured himself a glass of water and looked around the table at his team for confirmation that yes, this was a waste of his time. Instead he saw confusion on their faces. "Paris?"
Fury stood, "Mr Stark, if you continue to act out in this manner-"
Tony cut him off with a raised hand, "Tofu van brush lighted cow." Seriously, what was his deal today?
Bruce's brow was furrowed, something was definitely off about the billionaire. Talking science gibberish to annoy Fury? Maybe. Talking actual gibberish? Unlikely. "Tony."
The man in question turned to Bruce, annoyance acrossed his face, "Sandal!"
"You just said 'sandle,' I assume you meant to say 'what?' Am I right?"
What the hell? "Carriage meatball threw cheese pickles orange window?" What he meant was, 'What the hell are you talking about?
"I read about this once-"
Steve crossed his arms. "Seriously Bruce you're going to humor him?"
Tony wanted to reply to that, but the sympathetic look from Bruce and the irritated looks from both Fury and Steve were enough to tell him something was terribly wrong with his speech. Normally Tony wouldn't mind irritating both parties, but in this case it was unintentional and he had no idea what was going on.
Bruce raised his hands in a placating gesture towards Steve, "No," He glanced nervously around at his colleagues. "I really have read of something like this-"
"I have a meeting; sort this out Dr. Banner." He shook his head and left the room.
"He knows I'm not that kind of doctor right?" He said to no one in particular.
Tony pursed his lips and stood, turned on his heel, and walked out the door.
Natasha looked thoughtful as she watched him leave and turned to Bruce, "You think its schizophasia?"
"You tell me." Bruce was always forgetting about Natasha's profiler skills, surely she was familiar with a multitude of disorders.
"He probably just wants to mess with Fury, you know how he gets bored at debriefs." Steve said.
"No," Natasha shook her head, "He's scared, he's not joking around this time."
"But doesn't it show up with schizophrenia?" Bruce asked. He had only skimmed the article and it had been years ago.
Clint's eyebrows rose, "Whoa."
"Not always, it could come from an invasive tumor, head trauma, or acute anxiety. I'm betting on the last though." She clarified.
"Pepper told me he had a panic attack in a cafe a few months back."
"What are we talking about here?" Steve was thoroughly confused, what he thought had been one of Tony's irritating jokes was turning into something serious. "Something really is wrong with Tony?"
"Looks that way."
Tony stopped in a empty corridor and leaning against the cool wall checked his pad, Jarvis would finish updating in just a few moments, then he would find out what was going on.
"Lets hope thats its acute anxiety, and not a tumor. He'll have to have a scan to make sure."
Clint frowned, "But what does it mean? Schizo- whatever."
"Schizophasia, also called word salad. Its where the afflicted-"
"Talks like Tony did?" Clint cut her off.
"Yes, and doesn't realize he's doing it." Natasha answered.
Tony took a breathe and started to speak, but stopped himself, looking up and down the corridor suspiciously. He typed instead in his pad to Jarvis, telling him to record what he said next and play it back to him. He spoke a few sentences about Iron Man being awesome, but when Jarvis played it back to him it came back as random words strung together.
Jarvis whats wrong with me? He typed, fingers sweaty.
"Sir, I am already running a search on disorders with this occurrence." The A.I.'s calming voice came through his earpiece.
Words, his words were ruined. If this was permanent, Tony couldn't fathom what he'd do. He couldn't be Iron Man could he? He wouldn't be able to make calls in the field without his words. He wouldn't even be himself anymore, without his words. They were his shield, his armor, without them, what was he?
"Sir, the most likely cause of your inability to express yourself appears to be a disorder called Word Salad. Or Schizophasia. It may be caused by head trauma, acute anxiety or a tumor. I recommend getting a scan immediately to rule out the possibility of a tumor. If you're," Jarvis paused as though deciding which word would have a lesser impact on his creator, "Word Salad, is caused by anxiety sir, it is possible the symptom will go away on its own, once your anxiety levels decrease. I will send the relevant data to your phone sir."
"Thanks Jarv." He had spoken it aloud without thinking. "Hey! It's fixed!"
"From what I can understand at this point sir, I expect the symptom may come and go."
Tony ignored him and made his way back to the briefing room where the team was already exiting. "I'm bored lets get out of here."
"Hey you're cured!" Clint exclaimed.
"Yeah well I am Tony Stark. I eat salad for breakfast." Ok not my best.
Natasha frowned at him, "You know it'll come and go right?" But Tony waved his hand in dismissal.
Bruce inclined his head towards the man, "You've already figured it out?"
"Genius, remember?"
"I've already spoke to the techs in medical, they're expecting you."
Tony pulled out his phone and pretended to check his schedule. "Yeah I can fit that in."
"Shawarma after?"
"Shawarma after." Tony confirmed.