Summary: Alright… so this human soldier sees a good-looking Viera, and he tries hitting on her, which fails miserably. So his Moogle friend gives him a book that's a guide to wooing Vieras, made especially for humans.

How to Woo a Viera In Ten Easy Steps

The Book that Began it All

Phoenix was a soldier. Just an ordinary, human soldier. He wasn't even in a clan. Well, he SORTA was in a clan. He had two friends, a Bangaa Templar named Yuwain and a Moogle Gadgeteer named Mackenroe (or just "Mack"), and they all did missions together, so that meant they were indeed a clan, right? Well… a three-man team isn't really a clan, when you think about it. Heck, they didn't even have a name for this imaginary clan that Phoenix thought they were all in. Regardless, they were best of friends, they did missions, and hung out at the pub, like any normal group of buddies would do in Ivalice.

Phoenix was a fairly decent soldier. He knew a fair amount of Soldierly skills and had even mastered the Combat Combo. However, that was all he knew. He just didn't feel that he had time to learn a new job class. Both his friends had two classes, but he didn't. However, it didn't really bother Phoenix much, since he was superbly skilled at being a soldier.

At the moment, however, he wasn't using his battle prowess in an engagement alongside his friends. Nah, why waste a perfectly rainy day doing a mission when you can blow it (as well as a fair amount of gil) in the pub? At the moment, they were all roaring with laughter at a story Phoenix had just told.

"… and… and then, the-" He cut himself off with another bout of laughter. Once he regained control over himself, he continued. "And then the Defender-" Snicker, "Cornered at the cliff face during my turn, actually started wailing for his mommy. He-" Snicker, "He begged and pleaded for me not to KO him… rambled on that he had never been KO'ed before and didn't want to find out what it felt like!"

Yuwain was shedding tears of laughter by now.

"What a little twerp! Bangaa are sssuposed to be brave and ssstrong! Essspecially a Defender! He isss a disssgrace to usss Bangaa."

"You said it, Kupo! Who in their right mind would enter an engagement fearing a simple KO, kupo? Kupo! I've been KO'ed myself many times without complaining!"

Phoenix, wiping away the tears now growing in his eyes, took a swig of the ale that was sitting next to him, completely ignored during the retelling of this event.

"So… either of you guys have any amusing stories to pass the time?"

"Well, kupo… there was this one- Kupo! That's one fine-looking Viera that just came in!"

"Mack… you're sssuch a drea- whoa! He'sss not kidding!"

Phoenix rolled his eyes.

"Don't make me waste my energy on turning around to see this seemingly hot babe that has just entered the room." But he did so anyway… and he wasn't let down, either.

"Damn! She IS good looking…"

All three were watching the Sniper, she was wearing Sniper garments, as she ordered a drink from the pub master and sat herself down at a table all by herself. Phoenix grinned.

"Ah… the prey is alone and isolated… and thus the predator moves in for the kill."

"Oh dear lord… not AGAIN Phoenix! Remember what happened the lassst time you tried to hit on a Viera? You got BLASSSTED with a well-aimed Fire Whip!"

"Yeah… well this one's not an Elementalist, and I know how to Block Arrows, so…" He got up and casually walked over to her table. In the time that Phoenix and Yuwain had this conversation, the pub master had already served the Viera her drink, and so she was sipping it while eyeing Phoenix with a look of caution and subtle distaste.

After a few short strides, Phoenix was standing behind an empty chair next to the Viera.

"Madam, is this seat taken?"

"No… and it won't be taken if I can help it." She replied curtly.

This caught Phoenix offguard. "I- Er- Um- What?"

The Viera sighed. "First off, I don't want to be bothered with a stuttering loser like you. Second, even if you DIDN'T stutter, I'm not too keen on talking to a lowly Soldier such as yourself. Be gone, before I MAKE you go away." She reached for her bow.

Phoenix quickly scurried away, feeling rather defeated. Making his way back to his friends, he glared as they snickered at him.

"What did I tell you Phoenix? But did you lisssten? Nooooooooo…" More laughter.

"Shut yer traps."

Mack calmed down and became rather serious. "Phoenix, I have an offer to make you, kupo."

Phoenix raised an eyebrow. "Really now?"

"Yes." His voice was definitely solemn. "I think I can help you in your attempt to get that Viera, kupo… for a price. It's a kupopo bargain!"

"Name it."

"If my plan works, kupo, YOU have to help me get hooked up with this one Moogle who's caught my eye, kupo. I know for certain you can help me, because she likes humans quite a bit, kupo."

"Deal." Phoenix held his hand out. Mack looked offended by the gesture.

"Kupo! Don't you think this momentous deal deserves the kupo rites of a spit handshake?"

Phoenix rolled his eyes, spit into his hand, and then re-offered it. This time, Mack accepted it with his own spit-laden hand.

"Alright… let's get down to business, kupo."

"Heh… thisss should be interesssting…"

"What's your AMAZING plan, Mack?"

"You see, kupo… I have a book here… a rather kupo book, especially for the current situation, kupo."

"Really now? What's it called, then?"

"'How to Woo a Viera in Ten Easy Steps… A Guide for Humans' Kupo! It says that it can help you get a kupo Viera with no stress at all!"

Phoenix's business-like look immediately melted and changed into a rather mischievous one.

"Let the madness commence."

"Adremmalech sssave us all…"

And so they walked out of the pub to their lodgings for the night. However, there was one little disclaimer that Mackenroe had overlooked…

"Warning: use of these steps may cause the user to fall in love with the target."