BLOG: Date: June 19, 2011. Seattle, Oregon
Hello, My name is Alyssa Rose. I guess I should start out by saying this new hospital is going to suck ass. It's only been about…two days and I'm struggling constantly to keep myself from going insane.
I sighed. Well aren't I already insane? I guess it doesn't matter. I looked back down and continued writing.
I honestly don't want to write this, but I have nothing better to do. I can see the pattern starting now. Stay up til I pass out, wake up dazed and confused laying on the floor. Forgetting to eat until the guards come to tell me it's dinner. Eating that lovely excuse of nutritional food. Lovely excuse indeed..I have that damn Ashely Tisdale song stuck in my head. What was it called again? He said she said? Well whatever it is, I sincerely hope whoever wrote the song is burning painfully.
I sighed again
I'm starting to regret my stupid decision writing this.. Maybe I should've told these doctors to shove it instead of trying to convey my emotions (or lack them) onto paper. Oh yes haven't I mentioned? I'm stuck in this mental hospital. Yes I know rub it in my face mother. You've always told me that one day I would end up like you. I remember thinking, psh yah right, as If I'd ever turn into a person who's so irrational, erratic, and just plain irritating. Sigh….I wonder if I can actually sigh on paper? Well too bad I am. This stupid therapist that is deemed "the best in the country" is currently watching me intensely, like at any moment I'm going to spontaneously combust. If he doesn't stop staring at me I just might give him an ass whoopin.
I'm going off topic again. Okay I just turned 17 two months ago, My birthday is May 22. And I'm a Gemini! isn't this fun? Um.. I have a sister named Victoria, and a brother named Nick. They're both geniuses, and I guess I am too, but you know the last kid is one no one ever expects anything from. So yah I was a trouble maker, but I can say with pride that I've turned out the most normal…except not really.
My sister has always been in her own world. She's nice and all..but much too self absorbed. She strived to please my mother. Toria (the nickname I gave her that always stuck) has (or had the last time I saw her) beautiful, red thick hair. Her hair was long and perfect. Her eyes were brilliant green that were wide and were full of intelligence. She had a touch of freckles that brushed across her button nose that made her seem just…natural looking. Yes natural. Am I becoming a little too poetic? Who cares..anyways I think she was around 5'6 and was very slender.
My brother, was incredibly handsome. He had light blonde hair that touched his ears, and had blue-ish grey eyes that were framed with long lashes. They were big and innocent. Along with his dimples that appeared when he flashed his pearly white teeth. Innocent indeed. He had a stong jaw and a permenant blush that stained his cheeks. His nose was long and straight. Dammit I need to top being poetic.
My mother..well she was beautiful. She had short, thick blonde hair, that shined like corn silk in the sun. A heart-shaped face that I was always jealous for. Almond shaped eyes..those eyes..I'm not sure how I happened actually. I mean my mother had hazel eyes. They shone with experience and intelligence that surpassed my sister and brother combined. Hell even me. And my father, who had bleeding blue eyes. Question is how did I get brown? Good question indeed. My father who I barely remember had thick eyebrows, sun bleached hair, and was overall really handsome. I wish I could elaborate some more but I don't want to talk about him.
"I'm writing out of things to talk about." I sighed. Not lifting my eyes from my paper.
"Have you mentioned anything about your family?" He asked, seeming excited that he was finally making progress.
"What family?" I quipped. Smirking at the visually deflating man.
"Your Parents, brothers or sisters? Maybe even a pet?" He asked curiously.
I flinched. An overwhelming sense of depression washed over me. Yes I never had a first love, or anything of the sort..I had a dog. I made the mistake of letting such an animal in. How could I of known it could hurt so badly? I sniffed and struggled to contain my sadness.
I nodded and bit my lip in a annoyed manner. He better not make me write more.
"How about you write about yourself." He purposed. My eyes were still glued to my paper. Whether it was because I was concentrating, or didn't want to see his smug face. Im sure everyone's jumping with joy that I've finally decided to "make progress." Whatever…
It seems I must continue. Okay then, I stand around 5'2 -and a half- and I have short legs that make my torso seem..perhaps a little too long? I'm too curvy. DEFINETLY too curvy. My boobs take up my whole body (okay not literally) my arms are too long, like I'm some kind of monkey. But, I like to think my face is more pleasant to look at. I have a oval shaped face. For some odd reason I like my chin. It's well defined and I think its pretty..anyways I also like my lips. They're full, without being overly so, and are shapely. My nose..which I hate is what makes me so "exotic" my family always told me. I always almost spell erotic instead of exotic but I'm off topic again. My eyes are like the rest of my family's eyes. Only mine are more tilted upwards at the sides, making me look kinda strange (but my mother said it made me look stunning) psh okay.. I also had freckles. But it looked out of place entirely. My hair is brownish black and has a very tousled look. My bangs are constantly in my face and im insanely pale…like my siblings…My eyes might seem brown but look close enough and you will find they're HAZEL…or maybe they're just brownish with a green tint? (my sister always told me I'm in denial) well they're hazel to me..
I finally looked up at the man. Unconsciously I observed old wrinkly face. He had the whole doctor package. The gentle blue eyes that could make any person trust him, the soft smile that says "tell me anything you'd like, I wont judge you." I honestly felt bad for the man. It's just that I'm not the open..and I don't trust men…or people in general.
Oh yes that brings me to another issue. I spent a moment debating whether or not I should write it on paper. I picked up my pencil and looked down at my paper.
I hate my life.
Smiling slightly, I made up my mind. Why should I write about my life? Who honestly cares. I don't even want anyone to know, let alone repeat it.
I sighed again.
"Can I please go?" I asked, smiling hopefully. Perhaps this old man can save me the trouble?
He sighed.
"Not until you've at least filled an 3 sheets, then you may go." He said sternly. Not entirely convinced I did as I was told.
"Psh as you wish Ojii-san".
I loved Japanese. Actually, I love languages in general. Should I write them?…
A random list of the languages I know…yes I'm bragging
Japanese
Chinese
Korean
Arabic
French
Spanish
Black foot (don't ask)
Portuguese
Elvish
Thank you J.R.R Tolkien. I'm not sure why exactly, maybe it was the fact hardly anyone understood it, therefore made insulting someone ten times more entertaining.
…
Maybe I really am insane.
Scoffing, I got up from the desk and stretched. After the satisfying pop! I sat back down and looked outside. The sun was shining brightly through the bared windows, but it's not like it mattered. I mean I was allowed to go outside. A pang of sadness hit me.
Outside..
Is it that wrong that I haven't been outside for more than 5 years? Well I have, but being drugged during a transfer to another nut shack doesn't count..
It seems only yesterday I was that twelve years old, crazy, obnoxious little girl that had serious neglect issues.
"Not much has changed" I thought. Sometimes I wondered if all of this was really necessary. Am I really insane? Will I live be in this hell hole for the rest of my life?
My eyes pricked with tears at the last thought. I'd rather be in a real jail than this fucking hospital. I'm being very emotional today. Maybe my period is coming soon.
I snorted.
Why am I here? Well the answer is quite simple, if I do say so myself….
I killed my mother.
END