Warnings: shonen-ai, language, drugs, corruption, torture, OOC Shika because he's high, slight spoilers for current manga.

Memories Lost

I think I've been here for . . . how long? I don't even know. They don't let me have a calendar, maybe for that reason exactly. Maybe whoever's keeping me here is a goddamn manipulative bastard. Maybe I'm dreaming, and in real life, I'm lying on a large grassy hill, the clouds sliding past, miles and miles above me. I dunno. Maybe it's not important.

I would feel lonely if the drugs didn't numb almost everything completely. I can feel them wearing off, though, and I wonder if I should call the nurse and tell her. I'm not afraid of the needles, I'll tell her. I'm a shinobi. I want the strongest shit they have, please. Cherries on top and everything.

She's there before I call her. I briefly entertain the idea that she's a psycho—no, psychic. That's the word. Yeah, but then I realize she doesn't have anything with her.

Damn.

"Nara-san. The Hokage would like to speak with you." The voice hits my ears, but it takes me a few seconds to realize it. When I do, it takes me a little longer to want to turn my head to look at the speaker. It takes me about a minute to move my head after I decide I want to. Goddamn it, troublesome.

"Tsunade-sama?" I ask, my voice coming out softer than I wanted it to. Was that some banging on the wall? I crawl over to it, and I press my ear against it. The plaster's cold against my ear, and I move back quickly. Ah, someone is trying to stop me from finding out what is on the other side of that wall. The Sound spies, probably. I'm about to tell her nurse, but her gaze stops me.

She's shakes her head as if I'm someone she should be pitying. Pity yourself, I want to tell her. You have to watch me, or whatever your do. "No, Nara-san. The Rokudaime, Kyohei-sama." Who . . . who the hell is that? I manage to force myself to sit up, and I give the woman a good once-over.

She looks pretty tall from down here. Maybe she's a superhero. Or is it heroine? I open my mouth to ask her when I remember she's waiting for me to do . . . something. Oh yeah, she's saying there's another Hokage! I know that bullshit.

"You're lying. You're a Sound spy, goddamn it. I know the Hokage, and her name is Tsunade, not Kyo-whatever. Don't shit with me!" I stand up slowly, my legs unsteady beneath me. "Let's go! This is a battle, now, between you and me!"

She speaks slowly, completely ignoring my challenge, as if I'm some kind of idiot. Well, I'm probably a junkie, now that I think about it. I don't know how long I've been taking these drugs, but I know they're fun. They make everything so much less troublesome. "How about you talk about it in your meeting, eh, Nara-san?"

I hiss at her. I wish I were a cat, actually. They get to sleep around and they don't take walks and they scratch you if you piss them off.

"Nara-san, don't make me call security."

"Yesterday, all my troubles seem so fa-a-a-ar away, but now it seems as though they're here to sta-a-a-a-a-a-ay." I can't sing, as Ino has told me several times. Ino. . . where is Ino? I don't remember . . .

"Nara-san!" the woman repeats sharply. "If you will please follow me, Kyohei-sama will explain everything." I stare at her blankly, and I wonder where her head protector is. Whatever. I don't plan on leaving with her, anyway. I'll just use my Kage Mane no Jutsu and . . .

I realize sharply that I don't remember the hand seals.

I follow the woman out reluctantly.

I can practically feel the drugs wearing off now, because I'm feeling just as paranoid but for a completely different reason. Where am I? Why can't I even remember the hand seals of my specialty jutsu?

There's a man sitting in Tsunade's chair. I want to pull him up and force him to tell me wear he's hidden her, but I have a feeling that if it were that easy, she would have done it herself. He's . . . large, but not like Choji—where is Choji?—and his hair is sandy, like sand on the beach. Hmm . . . sand. I like the beach, you know? You can lie there, ignoring everything else in the world but the calm presence of those white things.

"Shikamaru-sama!" he greets me with a friendly smile, interrupting my welcome reverie. Asshole. "C'mon, take a seat! Make yourself comfortable." He's very friendly . . . probably too friendly. He knows that I know. Or he's hoping I'm too doped up to know my own name. My name is Nara Shikamaru, take that! I have to stifle a giggle, because it feels like I just poked the dragon with a little sword that he didn't even notice.

MUAHAHA! I am the winner.

I stagger over to a chair and I stub my toe. Okay, maybe I'm not quite the hero, then . . . Cursing loudly, I fall into the chair across from him, my toe throbbing.

"So, Shikamaru-sama," he begins, his fingers intertwined beneath his slight double chin, and his words smooth and fake, "what do you remember?"

"I . . . " He knows I don't remember anything? Who is he, anyway? Larger than life, a conspicuous mustache attached to his upper lip . . . I would have remembered him, even drugged like I am . . . right?

Perhaps it isn't best to be his enemy, then. If he really is the Hokage, he could do me a lot of damage. I decide to play along, as it seems to be the best move to make at the moment. As long as I think this is a game, I won't find my head completely imploding painfully.

"I remember . . . Gaara got kidnapped, or something. Temari went back to Sunagakure, and . . .that's all I remember. It's all a blank." I don't mention these flashes of blood and screams and . . .oddly, I remember Neji. Black hair, white eyes, sometimes thinking of him makes me want to giggle inanely. Not now, though.

"Well, Shikamaru-sama," STOP CALLING ME THAT, DAMN IT! "you are probably very confused right now, and just so you know, you have been getting the best care possible here. The war between the Sound and the Leaf is over now. You experienced a few things that were . . . disturbing, I'm sure, and you've repressed them."

Since when do I, Nara Shikamaru, repress memories? "How long has the war been over?" I don't even remember it starting . . .

The man smiles, as if he's fine with humoring me. Bastard. "For two years now. You were in a coma the first year, and then . . . well, you've been emotionally broken since then. I heard you were getting better, so I called you over. It seems it is true, after all."

War? Ah, goddamn it! What the hell is this! "Who . . . who died?" I don't have to ask whether or not anyone lost their lives . . . in wars, someone always does. I have never experienced a war—to my memory—but I have heard enough about them to know this much.

The man sighs, probably pissed that I'm taking the wheel in this conversation. Well, screw him. I want answers, and I want them now. Not even the Hokage is gonna keep them from me. "Shikamaru-sama, I do not think that this information is relevant to your recovery—"

"Who the fuck died?" I cry, getting more worked up than I'd planned. The drugs are still working their miracles, then. My fingers hurt from gripping the edge of the table so tightly, but I don't let go. The pain makes my mind sharper. I need to get sharp. This is more like a game than I'd first thought.

He reluctantly answers, "Of those close to you, Hyuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba, Akimichi Choji, Yamanaka Inoichi, Tsunade-sama, herself, and . . . well, to put it simply, your own mother." My mouth drops open, and I hope a fly goes in and I choke on it.

How can my mother be dead? She's too stubborn and bossy to die. Goddamn it, she'd be too troublesome in heaven for someone to kill her!

And . . . Choji? How could I have forgotten? No, it's not possible. I would not forget Choji's death. Never. He's too large, he's too important. He would never become some little fact that could slip away.

"Shikamaru-sama, how about we dwell on a happier subject—" the Rokudaime begins gently, but I interrupt him quickly.

"What of the rest of the Rookie 9? And my father? Ino? Naruto? Sasuke?" The man sighs, but relents. Yeah, better damn well relent before I go ninja on his ass.

"If you want to hear of them so badly, well, Sasuke and Naruto are both missing-nin. After the war, we took Sasuke in to help him through the hard time he was no doubt having. Orochimaru used him, and as soon as he seemed to be losing, he dropped him rather quickly. That kind of abandonment can be hard to live with. Well, in any case, they falsely accused the village of villainous crimes, which we denied, of course. And so they left, like little children having a tantrum. Really, I think we're much better without them. As for the others," he continues after a short pause, "they are fine. Your father is safe at home, and Yamanaka Ino is working in her parents' flower shop."

Well, at least Sasuke and Naruto are still alive. If they were gone, things really would have been bad. Those two are as hard to kill as cockroaches. I hate cockroaches. It's not just a bug thing, either. Why can't they just die damn it, like everything else. What's the point in living without a head, anyway?

"She has come to visit you several times, actually. I'm assuming you don't remember." It sounds like Ino's fine, too. I wonder how she dealt with Choji's death. She probably denied it for month before admitting it and breaking down. I feel guilty, because I should have been her shoulder to cry on. She was probably left with only Sakura to comfort her over her father and teammates's death, and that isn't how it should be. Damn it, I should have been there, too. I had the right to mourn my best friend's passing!

At least my father's still alive. Although, knowing how attached he was to my mother, I don't know if he'd be doing so well. I don't want to imagine my father as a broken man, so I force myself to think of something else. Broken men make me think of puppets, and I feel too much like one right now to linger on that train of thought.

"Why can't I remember?" I ask him straightforwardly. I don't feel like bullshitting, not right now. Hopefully he'll give me a straight answer. If he doesn't I'll . . . ninja it out of him.

I'm going to keep my own little trump card, though. I remember some things, now. Little flashes. For one, I do know now that I have seen this man before, in this chair. I don't remember what words we might have exchanged, but I have the feeling they're similar to the one's we're exchanging now.

I remember someone probing my head.

"Your mother, your best friend, and several other people that you were close to were killed. It's perfectly understandable that you'd block the memories." No it isn't. Not for Nara Shikamaru. I don't block memories. I ignore them. There's a difference.

I still remember Team 10's first A Class mission together. It was the bloodiest thing I think I've ever seen, and I hope to ever see again. If I'm so easily traumatized, why don't I just block that memory while I'm at it? My mental state would be all the better for it, I think.

The drugs are definitely wearing off if I can think this through so well. I'm getting a headache, though, and I don't feel so numb anymore. I can't believe my brain actually put together the words I'll ninja it out of him. What the fuck?

I look up at him, clearing my face of any expression that might give me away. "Look, I am tired. Do you think we can stop this here, please?" Without even waiting for his answer, I begin to stand up. He nods his approval—as if I need it. I'm out of here, now.

"Yes, of course. Be sure to take your medicine. I want you to get better as soon as possible." I give him a thumbs-up as I exit the room to show I understand and that I'll be nice and submissive. Yeah, my ass I'm taking that medicine. They'll have to knock me out with something heavy first.

The nurse stationed outside is ready to lead me back to my room. Don't I get any time to myself outside that room—that feels more like a cell the more I think about it? It's a very suffocating place, even without the drugs to twist my mind and make me think I'm choking.

A flash of pink interrupts my thoughts and I pivot around to follow the color. Who else has hair that unlikely?

"Haruno Sakura?" I ask tentatively. She turns around at the name, and a grin slides across my face before I can stop it. Someone I recognize, at last! But with one glance at her face, I can tell something is off. I keep the smile on my face, but now it's forced.

"Yes?" She responds carefully, as if unsure how to act.

"It's me, Sakura! Nara Shikamaru from Team 10. First to receive the title of Chuunin of the Rookie 9. C'mon Sakura, I know you know me!" I'm not that much of a wallflower that her face should look so blank. Goddamn it, I went to save her precious little Sasuke-kun, didn't I? Remember, you idiot!

Even so, I'm not even done speaking, though, and she's already shaking her head. "I . . . I'm sorry. I probably did know you, but . . . well, in an accident I lost a lot of my memories. I'm sorry. Maybe we can catch up some other time, though. Shitamaru, is it?"

I give her a half-hearted smile. "Shikamaru. It's okay, Sakura, thanks anyway." I let the nurse then drag me away, since her fingers have been itching to pull me off the moment I called out Sakura's name. Back to my cell. Yay, fun!

In that room, I sit there, depressed that I can't even see the clouds from in here. I keep trying to think, but my head starts pounding, as if it has become unused to thinking. What the hell are these drugs doing to me, I wonder vaguely. For just about the first time in my life I wish I were a medical-nin and that I had taken the time to study some kind of medicine, like most of the Nara. Then I might have some idea what's doing this to me. Laziness is it's own bitch, I suppose.

The days pass a lot like the ones before. A lot of sitting in my room, a few breaks to stretch my legs and to eat. I don't mind the monotony so much as the feeling I have in the back of my head that something is off. The more pills I tongue, the better I feel and the worse that feeling gets.

That's when I get an unexpected visit from an old acquaintance.

Oooo, Azamiko, you've hit pretty close to the mark. The real question, though, is why. Thank'ee Fantastical Queen Ebony Black and Taeron. Whenever I have low self esteem I can just come on to and it'll shoot right up. xD