Noah Puckerman thought he'd seen enough strange, sparkly outfits during his time as a member of the McKinley High Glee Club. But, compared to the pink and blue monstrosity of taffeta and tulle before him, their Glee costumes had been drab and subdued.
He was pretty sure that Caroline, his and Rachel's 4 year old daughter, would be clearly visible from orbit, due to the excessive sparkly stones on her dress. Really, he was surprised she could walk in it, as I was freakin' heavy.
When Ma and Rachel had started talking about baby beauty pageants (about 3 months before Caroline had even entered the world), he had balked. He'd seen those shows on TLC and the parents were all certifiable and most of the kids were little sociopaths in training. But, in the end, they'd won…not that he thought he'd really be able to dissuade them, but he had to try.
The only good think he could say about the pageants was that Rachel handled all of the stuff to do with the dresses and the hair and the makeup (which he hated! Dear God, who thought it was normal to take a beautiful little girl and paint her face to the point where she looked like an old person desperately trying to cling to the last vestiges of her youth?). He was occasionally recruited to build some strange prop, but mostly he just had to sit in the audience and cheer for Caroline (Not hard to do, 'cause she was clearly the most beautiful and talented kid on the stage).
Then, the day before a particularly large pageant, Rachel had a run in with the small, battery powered convertible Caroline was going to drive onto the stage during her talent routine. Meaning, she tripped over the thing, threw her back out and ended up on doctor prescribed bed rest. Normally, Ma might have stepped in to help with the pageant stuff, but she was on a cruise with some of her friends from the JCC.
Which was how Noah found himself surrounded by a sea of insane parents, over caffeinated, over tired toddlers stuffed into uncomfortable dresses and enough hairspray fumes to completely kill the ozone layer. Children were screaming, parents were screaming and one holy terror of a kid was running around punching any other child who dared to "Take her spotlight!".
Wow, that kid had issues. She was like seven and already a prima donna. It hadn't been until her junior year of high school that Rachel had sent someone she saw as competition to a crack den. The little demon here would probably skip over the sending people to the wrong address step and move straight on to slitting throats.
There was someone Rachel had already arranged to do Caroline's hair and makeup, which was a relief, 'cause he had no clue what they did to these poor kids heads that made them look like that. Seriously, none of them had hair that moved and he was pretty sure the protective shell of shellac around Caroline's head was more stable than his old football helmet had been.
Yeah, so he had to deal with the costumes and her little talent act and just generally keep any of the other pageant parents from sabotaging her. He wasn't sure if they'd actually do that (though, now seeing some of these wackos up close, he wouldn't put it past them), but Rachel was adamant that, as a previous winner, Caroline was seen as strong competition.
Which was no surprise. Most of these little speed freaks "danced" or "modeled" for their "talent". Which basically meant they wandered around the stage, shimmied in a way no kid should shimmy and gave the judges fake, dead eyed smiles.
It really creeped him out.
But he didn't have time to think about that right now.
Caroline had rocked the beauty portion of the contest, which, from what he could tell meant she walked around the stage holding her arms out in an un-natural way. Now, they had to get through the talent portion and then back into the poofy dress for crowning.
"Okay baby girl," he said, kneeling down in front of Caroline. "You remember your song?"
She blinked out at him through tarantula like eyelashes and grinned a grin that was pure Puckerman. "I got this, daddy."
He nodded. "Yeah, you do. Go kick some beauty pageant ass…don't tell mommy I said that."
Caroline giggled as he lifted her and her hot rod onto the stage and hurried around to watch.
Her little red corvette zoomed out onto the stage and, with an attitude filled toss of her head, Caroline jumped out and pulled out her tiny guitar. In her little jeans and red Chucks with a white t-shirt and a baby leather jacket, she was the cutest thing ever. Then she began to play her guitar and sing (okay, he was willing to admit she might have garbled some of the lyrics, but what the hell, she was only 4!) We Didn't Start the Fire.
She kicked ass and he caught some of the other parents (and the little sociopath) glaring, but they could all go fuck themselves. In his eyes, no one else even came close to his baby girl.
And the judges clearly agreed, as they gave her the big prize…Ultimate Grand Supreme whatever.
All that mattered was the fact that Caroline seemed to have enjoyed herself and now the torture of the pageant scene was over…at least until next time.
Comments, pretty please?