House M.D.

"FASTER HOUSE FASTER!" exclaimed Cameron with a moan.

"You know Cameron," said House. "I swear. If someone were reading this as a fic they'd probably think it was sexual." he pointed out while playing Mario Kart.

Cuddy came out of nowhere and looked quite mad. "HOUSE. DO YOUR GODDAMN CLINIC DUTY FOR YOUR GODDAMN SHIFT AND STOP PLAYING THAT GODDAMN METROID GODDAMMIT." she yelled at the sound of a Banshee's screech combined with a monstertruck.

"But I'm playing Mario Kart and I'm playing as Weege-," House was interrupted, "I DON'T GIVE SIXTY NINE SHITS, DO YOUR JOB DAMMIT." "Surely, you can get an ordinary idiot doctor to diagnose these idiot patients."

She hit her own forehead with her palm and dragged it down.

"Just.... do your job House." House responded, "Why treat unworthy not-sick people with my presence when they can just see my lackeys?" "Just do today and you can take," she hesitated, "a month off clinic duty..." she sighed as soon as she finished.

House limped to his magical stand of tea-making. After creating and gulping his daily batch of tea he consulted Mr. Vicadin. When finally he let out, "I'll do it for great justice."

-Patient One-

He entered the exam room, he stared at the patient. the patient stared back. They stared at each other til House said "You're pregnant." and left the room. The man was confused.

-Patient Two-

House entered the next exam room, he sat down and played Mario Kart again.

"Uh....excuse me but uh...aren't you supposed to be treating me...?" the fat man asked.

"I don't need to treat someone whose not sick. GOD."

"But I AM SI-"

"SHUT UP FATTY." responded House as he popped another Vicadin in his mouth. "I'M GOING TO TELL YOUR SUPERVISOR!" House got aggravated, "Fine. I'll diagnose you. You are terminally ill. you will die of stomache cancer in seven days because YOU CAN'T STOP EATING FAST FOOD." he said as he beat the game. His patient began crying emo tears.

House simply got up and left, but before he stepped out the door he told his patient, "GOOD BUY A TREADMILL. OR JOIN JENNY CRAIG."

-Patient Three-

As soon as House entered the room, the woman patient person shot random questions. "Shut. UP. JESUS, well the good news is... you have....." House's voice trailed off. The patient looked apprehensive. "....Oh sorry I'm just pausing for dramatic effect, you have. FULL BLOWN AIDS!"

The lady fainted. "Oh, I misread it you just have a cold....Oops." He shifted his eyes and left in a hurry.

-Patient Four-
"After this patient I'M FREE," House entered the last exam room he'd see for a month.

"Uhm...I shoved...a wii remote up my..well let's say its lodged up there...," House began rubbing his temples at the sight of the teenage figure. "So....you have a...controller...fetish," House was quite disturbed. then again he had seen and heard things worse than this. He began writing a prescription, "Well. Take these babies and you won't feel discomfort....after a week or so...but the Wii remote won't be usable anymore." He said as he handed the teenager a prescription for laxatives.