Tales from the U.S.S. Obvious
Nes Jiasha stepped through the doors to the transporter room. She almost crackled with energy as she took her place behind the transporter controls. She was the very first person to board the ship. Well, the firs crew member to board. And why shouldn't she be? She was Lt. Nes, transporter chief. Without her, how could the others come on board? Someone had to be at the controls for the transporter to work properly.
That thought made Nes feel important. Very important. Possibly the most important person on the ship!
Nes fingered the Bajoran earing she wore in her right ear, and stood a little bit straighter. She smiled to herself. A very important Bajoran, she thought. V.I.B.
Chief Engineer Snotty O'Shaunesy stepped through the doors to engineering. He looked about in mild surprise and fiery determination. He'd never seen and engine room like this before. The engine core, especially, was very strange, though he couldn't put his finger on why. Maybe it was the faint odor of toilet bowl cleaner lingering in the air . . .
No matter. He'd get her figured out in no time. Aye, he would at that.
He went about the room, checking all the instruments. Everything seemed in working order. But, before they got underway, he wanted to check things out for himself. You never know when you'll have to out run a Romulan war bird with one nacelle and the impulse engines off line.
The chief idly scratched at his kilt as he began running a level four diagnostic.
Rajit of the house of Xorn stepped off the lift and strode down the hall. She barely glanced at the other crew members as she passed. She was far too excited to notice them. This would be Rajit's first assignment ever aboard a StarFleet vessel. She had been one of the older cadets at the academy, having first served aboard a vessel of her native world, Kronos. How different this would be, to go from a Klingon vessel to a human one!
Mixed, she reminded herself. The ship may have been built in Earth's orbit, but humans make up less then one third of the crew compliment.
Rajit found the door she was looking for as stepped through. Proudly she surveyed her office. She'd never had her own office before. But, on board the Targh she had only been a common warrior. Now, she was a trained professional.
An ensign looked up in surprise from the panel he was working on .
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Rajit," the Klingon woman replied, "your new ship's counselor."
Security Chief Lt. Commander T'Killian stepped off the transporter pad. She noted with a touch of surprise that the decor was not the usual StarFleet Instead of the customary gray or beige, the walls appeared to be a muted shade of purple.
Fascinating.
"Welcome aboard," the Bajoran transporter chief said with a broad smile.
"Thank you." T'Killian allowed herself the smallest of smiles. Though a Vulcan, she had learned the value of adopting certain emotional mannerisms of the species around her. It made them more trusting of her. Especially once they learned that other Vulcans denounced her as being too emotional. All because of one evening and six Terran beers followed by a couple of margaritas . . .
T'Killian pushed the thought away. If she were to gain a better reputation among her Vulcan peers, she had to learn to be more logical. Ruminating upon events she could not change was the height of illogic.
Commander Fred Smith stepped through the doors to his quarters, pleased and a little surprised that he'd managed not to trip on something yet. His quarters were as spacious as he'd come to expect a first officer's quarters to be. He wasn't quite sure, but it appeared that all the walls and sharp corners in his quarters had been padded. Did his reputation proceed him?
As he explored, he was surprised at the grandeur of the bathroom. The toilet was the focal point, and was set up a bit higher than the rest of the bathroom fixtures, almost like a throne. That was odd. But, when one's ship belonged to a class called Goldblum, one had to expect the odd, he supposed.
Especially under this captain. From what Fred had heard, she'd be the oddest thing on the ship.
Captain Z'rrza Kish stepped onto her new bridge for the first time. This would not be her first command, but she was commanding the Obvious, first ship built of the brand new Goldblum class. New ships were always exciting. Not all of the bugs would be worked out yet. It would be fun watching the crew try to solve them. Especially if some of them were of her making.
She was both pleased and surprised a the color scheme of the ship. Of course, everyone knew her love of purple, but she hadn't expected to be so accommodated In the few brief moments she had before the crew started to arrive on the bridge, she reclined in the Captain's chair, enjoying the quiet, and daydreaming of the mischief they would get into.
Since she was alone, the captain allowed herself the luxury of a quiet purr.
The crew spent their first few hours familiarizing themselves with their new home. Commander Smith sat contentedly in his chair on the bridge. (He knew it was his since it was the only one with a seat belt and airbag installed.) The captain had left shortly after he walked onto the bridge. Smith found her intriguing. He'd met a few Caitians before, but she was so utterly feline. She even had a tail. At least it was a nice tail.
Smith eyed her chair. She was also the only Catian he'd ever met who dyed her main. Some gray furs of her natural color mixed in with the dyed red ones that she had shed on the captain's chair.
Smith watched the various crew members as they looked over their work stations. Lt. T'Killian seemed especially absorbed in learning the instruments. Various ensigns he hadn't yet met scurried around the bridge like so many rodents. Smith wondered if the captain would enjoy stalking and torturing them.
Hm, the captain. She really did have a nice tail.
Captain Kish looked around the table at her assembled officers; Commander Fred Smith of Earth, Lt. Commander T'Killian of Vulcan, Counselor Rajit of Kronos, Transporter chief Lt. Nes of Bajor. Last to enter the conference room was the chief engineer, also of Earth.
Now, why was it she couldn't remember the chief engineer's name? She eyed his plain kilt which clashed spectacularly with his yellow StarFleet uniform shirt. Maybe she'd just call him Kilt.
"Welcome aboard the Obvious," Kish said as Kilt took his seat. He stubbed his toe and muttered an invective Kish had never heard before. Well, it was a big galaxy. Many languages had never been heard on her home world, Cait.
"There isn't anything important going on right now," the captain continued. She combed her red main with carefully groomed claws. "Just remember, the ship is new, so she'll be a bit of a brat for a while. Anybody have any questions?"
Everyone looked at each other. No one said anything.
"What's the matter?" Kish said, in a low, playful voice. "Cat got your tongue?"
Her joke elicited smiles around the table, and a hearty laugh from Kilt.
She really did have to learn his name.
"I have a question," Smith said. "Why is there a picture of a man with the caption 'Jeff Goldblum is watching you poop!' in every bathroom on the ship?"
"They don't call it the Goldblum class for nothing," Kish said.
It had only been half an hour since the captain dismissed the pointless (though amusing) meeting with the senior staff in the conference room. Already, Snotty found he had to talk to her again. Striding down the hall, he thought the climate controls would have to be looked at. It was a bit chilly. He was getting the most unpleasant drafts up his kilt.
The chief engineer signaled at the door to the captain's ready room.
"Come in," Kish's throaty voice called.
Snotty walked into the room.
"Hello, Ki-, um, Chief," the captain said.
"We've got a problem, captain," Snotty said. "We can't take the ship out of the dock."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I can't figure it out. The engine's got all the power she needs. But every time we test the engines, they won't start."
Kish frowned.
"Have you run a diagnostic?" she asked.
"Yes, captain. A level four. Doesn't find a thing wrong."
"Well, take all the help you need. Just figure out what the problem is, and get it fixed."
"Yes, captain." Snotty tromped out of the room.
T'Killian walked through the doors to engineering. Technically, this was not a part of the ship she would see much of. But, as security chief, she wanted to be sure she knew every inch of the ship. She'd hate to have to stop and ask for directions in an emergency.
Though she didn't show it, T'Killian was surprised a the group she saw assembled in engineering. She'd heard of the problem with the engines, and that the captain had told Snotty to take whatever help he needed, but she didn't see how this group would help much. Smith, Nes, even Counselor Rajit were huddled with the chief around a schematic of the ship.
Just then, looking at the schematic, it struck T'Killian why the ship had always seemed a bit strange to her.
"This ship," she said, "is shaped like a toilet."
Smith looked at her and shrugged his shoulders.
"Goldblum class," he said. T'Killian chose not to say anything about the bruise spreading across half his face. From his reputation, she was surprised he had not been in sickbay yet.
"Any progress on the engines?" T'Killian asked.
"No!" the chief engineer said. "I've run every diagnostic I can think of. I've looked at every piece of equipment I can get my hands on, and some that I can't. I just can't figure out this new flush drive!"
T'Killian looked at the schematic. A new system.
"Did you read the instructions?" she asked.
Everyone gaped at her for a moment.
"Instructions!" Snotty said. "Now, why didn't I think of that?"
As the chief engineer started rifling through drawers in search of an instruction manual, T'Killian walked out the door and continued her tour of the ship.
"I think I found it, Chief," Rajit said. The chief engineer had put her and Lt. Nes to work reading different parts of the instruction manual. They'd been at it for nearly an hour. Smith had been sent to sick bay after he accidentally swallowed a small, highly experimental piece of diagnostic equipment.
"What?" Snotty asked.
"The start up instructions say you have to flush a toilet to turn on the engines."
Snotty blinked a few times.
"Of course!" he said. "You have to flush a toilet to get the flush drive to work!" He scratched at his kilt. "But, how do you get to a toilet fast enough from the bridge to start her up?"
Lt. Nes accompanied the chief engineer to see the captain.
"We found the problem, captain," Snotty said. "You have to flush a toilet after you've laid in the coordinates to get her to go."
"That's great," Kish said.
"But, how do you get to a toilet fast enough to get the engine started in and emergency situation?" Nes said.
"I have an idea," Snotty said. "Why don't we put a toilet on the bridge?"
"That's silly," Nes said, tossing back her blond hair.
"No, that's not a bad idea," Kish said. "We can put it right next to the con, so the pilot can just flush after he's laid in the coordinates. Good work, Ki-, um, Chief. You, too, Nes." The captain rose from behind her desk. "I'll contact the station, and have them make the necessary adjustments."
It had taken three days to install the toilet and necessary plumbing on the bridge, but the delay had been worth it. Especially since it gave Smith time to recover from his accident in engineering.
Kish sat happily in her captain's chair with her new crew gathered around her on the bridge. Now, they could finally get underway. She checked to make sure Smith was wearing his seat belt.
"Ensign," Kish said. "Lay in a course for the planet Cait, and take us out."
She watched as the ensign entered the coordinates on the instrument panel, then he reached over and flushed the toilet. The ship slowly pulled out of dock, and they were on their way!
How nice it was to be out in space again. Only one thing interfered with the captain's complete happiness. A continuous sound, just on the edge of hearing . . .
"Ensign," Kish said, "jiggle the handle."