Yo, everyone. This is Farcie with something for all those who can't read a fan-fiction without making a bad pairing…ho, ho, ho…I don't own Yugioh or Psychonauts.
Rated T for a steamy yaoi scene in chapter 3…can't tell you what, though. It's a secret!
The Most Asexual Club…Ever!
By Farcie
Chapter One- The Club is Revealed
It was a bright, shining Monday morning at Whispering Rock. The birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing, the innuendos were everywhere, the sky was clear and blue, and the Psitanium-infected bears were growling. None of this mattered to super-agent Sasha Nein, however. He was, as always, working on some elusive experiment that would forever change the world of psychics. Yes, like every other day he was not forced to teach small children how to shoot psychic aggression, as if that were a wise choice, Sasha was slaving away at either the Brain Tumbler, which had the magical ability to fall apart at the last second, or testing unauthorized methods of increasing brain activity on himself or Razputin. Today, the guinea pig was poor, young Raz, who was told that "it was completely harmless…unless something goes horribly wrong." It had even surprised Sasha that Raz was willing to attach small electrode pads to his forehead to stimulate his frontal lobe with a such a shady disclaimer. Meanwhile, the young Psychonaut was inquiring Sasha about his mentor's favorite topic ever: his sex life. If by some reason you are unable to understand sarcasm, Raz was also wearing a fuzzy purple hat and Sasha was wearing lederhosen. By the way, I am kidding.
"Sasha, have you had sex with Milla?" The German nearly choked on his coffee.
"Razputin, that is a very personal question. I do not believe this is appropria-"
"But Sasha," Raz whined, his eyes growing to unnatural proportions and watering just enough to sparkle like a strange anime fantasy on hallucinogenic drugs, "please?" Agent Nein sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and wrote "buy gun and shoot self" on his mental to-do list.
"Alright. No, I have not had sex with Agent Vodello. Happy now?" Raz shook his head furiously. Somehow, the thought of Sasha having a raunchy, steamy moment with his Brazilian partner was extraordinarily titillating to Raz. This worried Sasha to such an extreme that he turned up the electrode intensity with a small dial and scribbled hasty notes in a lab journal.
Agent Nein's Log: Day Two
Razputin's immaturity level is transforming from 'small child' to 'fangirl.' This is disturbing to me. What is more upsetting is that Agent Vodello is spreading rumors about us having a romantic relationship around camp. I must stop her before it is too late.
Ended experimentation for today 9:27 AM. Remind me to tell Raz that I have no sexual interests.
As Sasha wrote, Raz used clairvoyance to read his notes. When he read the 'fangirl' comment, his already large eyes grew a few more inches.
"Hey, I saw that! I just think you and Milla should get together before she gives up on you, Sasha." Unfortunately for Razputin, he was ignorant of the fact that Sasha did not care if and why Milla Vodello ever "gave up on him." Many wondered why the German never expressed interest in the beautiful, talented, kind Agent Vodello, but only few knew the man's deep, dark secret. As he saw the young boy's perplexed expression, Sasha decided that it was time to give Raz "the talk." He took a sip of his coffee and lit a cigarette.
"Razputin, I think we need to have a talk." Raz winced.
"It's okay, I watch MTV." Sasha raised his eyebrows and let out a low, soft chuckle from his diaphragm.
"You see, some of us are very…sexually… aware when we are younger, Razputin," he said, deliberately ignoring the boy's plea, "but others are a little different. It takes time to realize what we are, especially when confronting such an…intimate topic such as sex." When Sasha stopped talking, a dense, awkward silence filled the air. His mentee grinned and narrowed his eyes.
"Sasha, are you saying that you are gay?" The elder Psychonaut slapped his face as Raz began to giggle with pure joy.
"No! Ach! I'm not gay. I'm asexual." Suddenly, the laughter stopped. Poor Sasha was forced through another tremendously uncomfortable moment.
"What?" Razputin's voice was completely neutral, like Sasha's love interests, or lack there of.
"I'm asexual," he said slowly and carefully, "that is why I do not have feelings for Milla."
"But…but…" Razputin stammered, "everyone has feelings for Agent Vodello! She's the only attractive Psychonaut there is! Sasha, this has to be a cover-up. If you are gay, just say so. It will only make the pairings funnier." Sasha shook his head slowly and gave Raz a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I am entirely asexual. In fact, I am a part of a very selective club, The Most Asexual Club Ever. There are only two members." Raz was even more confused than before.
"Then…who is the other member?" Suddenly, a strange man burst through the door of Sasha's lab, bringing with him a gust of wind. There stood Seto Kaiba, his pristine, white trench coat fluttering in the breeze. Neither Psychonaut could see the tall, thin man's eyes, as they were hidden under choppy brown bangs. Razputin marveled at the odd shape of Kaiba's hair, wishing that he never had such, well, animated locks.
"I am," Seto said, glaring at Raz through his thick head of hair. Sasha put out his cigarette and stood beside the brunette.
"Razputin, this is the founder and first member of The Most Asexual Club Ever, Seto Kaiba." Sasha took another drink of his coffee. Kaiba did not shift his hidden gaze or move a muscle, for that matter. Raz took another look at Sasha and Kaiba, standing together and saying nothing, and he began to giggle like a yaoi fangirl.
"So…tee hee, this is your… 'partner' in crime, eh? Ha ha!" Again, Sasha slapped his face and sighed. The previously statuesque Seto Kaiba flew into a vicious rage, opening his metal briefcase and pulling out a pack of cards.
"You want to be smart with me, kid? Well, you won't have a ghost of a chance when I destroy you in a duel!"
"Of what?" Raz asked, concerning the overplayed Yugioh 'ghost pun' as the number '2400' floated over both their heads. Sasha gave up and stood to the side. "And what the hell does a card game have to do with anything?" This made Kaiba angrier.
"What? You little brat! Dueling is everything! It is the earth, the sky, the ocean, the very purpose for my existence!"
"Aw, how sad," said Raz as he made a deck of cards from those in Kaiba's briefcase, as he did not want to reach into the brunette's pants to get one.
"Duel!" The two yelled in unison. Sasha was not quite sure what was going on, but he did not exactly like what he saw. Kaiba summoned an extremely racy Harpy Lady, its large breasts barely concealed by the red body suit it wore.
"Seto, are you sure this is appropriate for Razputin? He's only ten…" Sasha started.
"Of course! This show is aired by 4Kids! There's nothing inappropriate about the duel…" Kaiba stopped, noticing the truly disgusting attire on his Harpy. "Wait, this is the Japanese episode. Let me change it to 4Kids' version." Raz scowled at Sasha. They may be asexual, but he was clearly not.
" Hey, I was enjoying that!" Sasha laughed.
"I know. That's why we're changing it." Two seconds later, the Harpy disappeared in a puff of grey smoke, neutral and, you guessed it, asexual. The monster reappeared in the same red outfit, except for the fact that every square inch of its body, excluding the arms, were covered.
"There, are you happy?" Kaiba growled at Sasha.
"No, but this is certainly more…for kids…" said Agent Nein, accentuating the 'for' like in 4Kids. "It doesn't matter to us, but young Razputin is, as we say, very interested." Seto nodded.
"Ah, I see. Anyways, let's get on with the duel." Kaiba's trench coat fluttered happily, grateful to witness yet another duel. Why a piece of fabric was excited about such a pointless experience, the world will never know. Raz played Asian Kid in attack mode, but it whined about getting a 2390 on the SAT and killed itself, not the Harpy Lady. This set Raz back only 2.4 life points, though, so he was not that dejected. Kaiba attacked with his Harpy, but Razputin activated the extra-secret ability of Asian Kid, which allowed him to play another monster card if Asian Kid worked even harder and earned a 2420 on the SAT, even though the scale was only out of 2400. Suddenly, a bright flash of light surrounded Asian Kid, and he used his powers of no-life and magically got a 2450 on the standardized test. Kaiba was astounded. Never before has a novice been able to force Asian Kid's SAT score that high. In retaliation, Harpy Lady swooped down and bestowed upon Asian Kid two extra AP exams. Unsuspecting Asian Kid was extremely depressed and overworked, and within seconds, he killed himself a second time.
"Kaiba!" Raz screamed in a very Yami-like voice, "What is the meaning of this!" Sasha reminded himself mentally to never invite Kaiba to his lab again. In a moment of extreme duel action, Raz played Farcie's Mother in defense mode, a card which redirected every attack that was focused on Raz through Farcie's Mother's martyrdom power. Kaiba hid his eyes in his bangs, which had grown a few inches since the duel began.
"Heh, you've fallen into my trap, Razputin." He revealed a card he had played face-down a few turns ago.
"Oh, no! Not Snooty Private School!" In an instant, Alexander Dawson School appeared on the field, its vortex of passive-aggressive behavior and self-righteousness sucking Farcie's Mom into oblivion. Raz lost a massive 1000 life points.
"Oh, yes! You see, Snooty Private School forces all opposing monsters on the field into attack mode, and since Farcie's Mom has no attack points, since she can do no wrong and is only a victim of abuse by all, she is defeated by Snooty Private School's Brat Attitude Attack and is sent to the graveyard!" Raz's eyes darkened. He drew a card and began to laugh hysterically, just like the Yugioh characters do when they magically get a super-awesome monster, spell or trap card, which are virtually all the cards in Yugioh. Except for cheat cards, which are so powerful that they have no correlation to the game's premise or rules whatsoever.
"Fine! I play the spell card, East Coast!" Raz screamed. Kaiba fell to his knees, his life points draining to .185945934598 and three quarters. "East Coast lures Snooty Private School's students by its non-conformist attitude and academic excellence, but when they arrive, they are not told that they are special and superior to other people by having rich parents and are forced to transfer back to the local state college!" the young boy said all in one breath.
"How could this be? My system is perfect. PERFECT!" Seto screamed.
"Obviously not, Kaiba. For now, I'll play Annoying Stage Parent and Moronic Opera Geek in attack mode, and I'll put Raging Asshole in defense mode." Two images of Farcie, one singing a pants role aria with no dynamics whatsoever and another chewing out a snobby rich kid for having their parents do their homework appeared, along with a pug-faced, short-sighted woman who immediately began making costumes to ensure her child's position as a lead role for the school musical. Kaiba stood up, drawing a card in hopes of laughing hysterically and winning the duel. Within moments of being destroyed by Raz, Kaiba achieved both said goals. Raz looked at him, confused at how someone with only .185945934598 and three quarters of a life point could come back and win the duel.
"You're finished, Raz!" Kaiba exclaimed, setting his card on the duel disk. "I have just played the card that will destroy you! I play Jew!" Sasha and Raz gasped in unison.
"Jew? What does that card do?" asked Sasha, making snide bets with himself over how many OMG-Sasha-is-a-Nazi readers will find this story too offensive to remain on the website. Raz was preoccupied mourning the loss of the duel.
"Well, Sasha, it goes a little like this. Jew has the ability to defeat any opponent, regardless of attack or defense points, because unlike the spell cards Slavery, Chinese Cultural Revolution, Japanese Death Camps, Native American Slaughter, Gay Lynching, or Banned Friendly Iraqi Translator Immigration, when paired with the spell card Holocaust, Jew can overcome any adversity whatsoever!"
"NOOOO!" Raz cried, falling to his knees as his life points ran out to zero. Kaiba rolled on the floor, laughing uncontrollably at his amazing win, and Sasha prepared Farcie's inbox for a butt-load of hate mail.
"So…what was the purpose of that duel?" Sasha asked, digging a hole for the author's grave.
"To prove that obsessions with card games, science, and technology diminish one's desire to have sex." Kaiba said proudly.
"Oh, well in that case-" Raz was interrupted by none other than Milla Vodello, who burst through the door of Sasha's lab.
"Sasha, darling, I have to tell you the best story…who is that?" She pointed at Kaiba, who was still on the floor from laughing.
"Erm, well, Agent Vodello, this is Seto Kaiba. We're both members of a club…it's…"
"Ooh, is that your boyfriend? You make such a cute couple, darling! I must say, though, I never knew you were gay. It explains why I was attracted to you, though. All the guys we females want are gay." Milla cooed, speaking over Sasha's embarrassed protests. Raz giggled again, knowing in his own, juvenile mind that he was right.
"No! Milla, he is not my boyfriend! We are not gay! I know this is weird, but I'm asexual. We're a part of The Most Asexual Club Ever. Kaiba is the founder." For the third time, Sasha was subjected to an awkward silence, followed by insane laughing.
"Sasha, please, I'm dying here! I know you are into science, but you're not completely asexual…are you?" The tension built as the German nodded his head, Kaiba nodding as well to back him up.
"Aw, how adorable! You both are pretending to be platonic, but it's okay. We know you are gay. Don't worry, we won't tell anyone." Milla beamed at the two men, who looked at each other with complete disgust for the Brazilian and Razputin. Sasha looked at Milla suspiciously.
"Wait…who is 'we?' Don't tell me that…oh, god…" Outside of Sasha's lab, a crowd of adolescent girls gathered to stalk I mean watch Seto and Sasha in the GPC.
"Oh my gawd! This is the cutest pairing EVER! Why didn't I write it in my fan fiction! SQUEE!" one girl squealed.
"I know. Like, this is soooo CUTE! I need to get Sasha and Kaiba plushies. Right. Now," another fan-girl squeaked.
"AAH! Yaoi is my LIFE!" A third girl began to scream as she sat, drawing a perverse, poorly made sketch of the two making out.
"Who are they? The better question is, what are they?" Kaiba asked Sasha, who was trembling in fear.
"They…they're fan-girls. Yaoi fan-girls. They do not sleep or eat. They only go outside to check the mail for their various doujinshis or yaoi memorabilia. They write and draw yaoi all day long, despite how ridiculous or impossible the pairing is." Kaiba's eyes widened.
"Oh my god. We have to run away!" Nein shook his head fervently.
"No. We must fight them off, or else they will only multiply in strength and numbers." Milla shook her head.
"Darling, don't you think that's an exaggeration? We just think you are cute together." By this time, both Sasha and Kaiba were exasperated and ready for a few drinks. Raz and Milla were giggling about whether or not Sasha's 'gayness' was a phase or whether he truly was 'gay,' the fan-girls were all screaming at decibels previously unheard by the modern world, and Harpy Lady was crying in the corner because she had not been mentioned for the duration of the duel since Asian Kid committed suicide, even though she was on the field the entire time. The two men decided to dig a hole to China, where they could expand The Most Asexual Club ever and explain to Asian Kid's parents that it was not right to push their child as hard as they did, and that love should be unconditional, and that a 2390 on the SAT was a damn good score. It was like killing two birds with one stone. Two unloved Harpies, that is. Milla noticed that the Sasha and Seto were furiously digging their way out, and she called after them, though over the relentless noise of the fan-girls, they did not hear her. It was a good thing, too.
"Bye, Sasha! Bye, Seto! Have a good date!"
Fin Chapter 1
Author's note: Okay, that chapter was even more horrible than M, M, and M has ever been. I really am sorry if I traumatize anyone who is sensitive or is filled with love for yaoi and hates making fun of it or themselves. Hey, let me get this straight. I like yaoi. Yaoi is happy. I hate, however, stupid pairings that make no sense whatsoever, like Sasha times anything-except-for-Milla. That is because it is nonsensical. You can write your illogical yaoi, but I'm just saying that it's stupid. Also, just think about it: Psychonauts yaoi. Ew.
Coming up in chapter 2: Farcie's buddy, Clam, will write an amazing epic novel about how The Most Asexual Club Ever was founded! See you there, Kaiba!
Farcie