Disclaimers: I do not own Black Cat or Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Don't ask me how I got the idea for this…Ok, I'll tell you anyhow. I was watching Snow White one day and thought, "There needs to be a collection of BC related fairy tales". I'll warn you before hand that the writing style for this will be a lot more random and different from my previous works. The cast will differ with every tale, so enjoy!
The Black Cat Follies
Snow Walker and the Seven Sweepers
The Cast:
Snow Walker- Rinslet Walker
Prince Charden - Charden Flamberg
Evil Queen Creed- Himself
Magic Mirror- Doctor
Hunter- Maro
The Sweepers:
Black Cat – Train Heartnet
Smoky – Sven Vollfied
Cranky – Annette
Boastful – Woodney
Sleazy –Tanya
Sweetie – Saya
Tiny – Eve
Once upon a time, there lived a pretty young lady whose eyes were as blue as sapphires, her hair as ridiculously purple as a violet, and her mind as blank as snow. Keeping the latter part in mind, it is only logical that upon finding this girl, Queen Creed (who, mind you, was indeed a dude) decided to name the child Snow Walker. Queen Creed soon saw, though, that as she grew older, Snow Walker was surpassing his feminine beauty. What was a queenly man to do? The Queen visited a local estate sale held by a certain Sephelle (who will appear in a later story, Beauty and the Belze) and bought himself a dandy mirror that contained the spirit of a doctor named Doctor. He was one hell of a transvestite fashion guru, and everyday for who knows how many years, Queen Creed would ask…
Mirror, mirror, on the wall in the hall
Who's the most feminine of them all?
And the mirror would answer, with a grunt and in a tired voice, "You are by far the most feminine of them all, Queen Creed." And sometimes he would add, "Were you by any chance dropped on your head as a baby?" At which point the Queen would threaten the Doctor in the mirror with a sledgehammer.
But one day, after the zillionth time of being asked this, the mirror decided to have a little fun. Rather than give his usual reply, he stated instead, "No, you sick, twisted man! There exists a woman who is waaaaaaaay more feminine than you will ever be. Her eyes are as blue as sapphires, her hair as ridiculously purple as a violet, and her mind as blank as snow."
"Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me…" Queen Creed tried to guess. "Is it…Carson Kressley?"
"No, it's…"
"Ryan Seacrest?"
"No, he's straight."
"Lance Bass?"
"Hell no!"
"Cojo?"
"NO, NO, NO, NO! It's Snow Walker, dang it! The guys in the castle next door are nuts about her, especially Prince Charden!"
Now seething, Queen Creed called upon his most trusted servant, Maro the hunter, and after a good, long, screech, he ordered the following. "A Caesar salad and a Diet coke." While he ate, he then ordered Maro to take Snow Walker into the woods, body slam her to death, yada yada yada. "Then, as proof that you've killed her, I want her…lingerie!"
Maro and the mirror shivered. "But, that would be worse than murder, my Queen!" objected Maro. "And plus, that's just downright wrong and perverted!" He then waved a banner that protested against woman abuse. In response, Queen Creed took his invisible sword and poked the fat oaf out the window and into that magical wishing well, thus clogging it.
Later…
Snow Walker picked wildflowers as Maro sat against a tree and read the latest copy of Fitness Today magazine. All the while, the girl sang a merry tune…
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
When you grow up, when you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
It sucks pretty bad right now!
After a while, this got pretty annoying, so Maro decided to creep up behind Snow Walker, as slowly and carefully as a fat man could. Finally, when he was a mere foot away from the girl, he leapt in the air and let out a victory cry for some unknown reason. This made Snow Walker gasp in fear and yell as the blubbery mass hovered overhead. Then, just at the last moment, she rolled away, causing Maro to create a crater that almost penetrated the earth's mantel. Frightened out of her wits, Snow Walker ran into the conveniently placed Sherwood Forest and didn't look back. Maro climbed out of the crater and, seeing her escape, merely shrugged and walked to Victoria's Secret to buy some lingerie to fool Queen Creed with.
Meanwhile, Snow Walker kept running, past bubbling streams and hallucinogenic mushrooms, past a confused Robin Train and Little Sven (Robin Train and his Merry Cats), and past a sign that said "Danger: 5000 ft. drop". Right before she was about to plummet to her death, Snow Walker spotted a cute little cottage nestled in the woods. Curious as usual, she tiptoed (for no obvious reason) towards the house and knocked. No one answered, so she lifted the doormat to find the key, and in a few seconds, she was in the house.
The place was kind of shabby. Having been brought up by a he-queen who always kept the castle in tune with the hottest trends, this cottage seemed, well, cottagey. There was not much space, but enough to hold a table for seven people, a TV surrounded by seven couches, and a refrigerator with seven colors of sticky notes slapped all over it, (including one big white sheet that looked like a list of debts). Then Snow Walker went upstairs and saw two bedrooms and two bathrooms on opposite sides of the hallway. A pink and light green bedroom held four beds with the names Cranky, Sleazy, Sweetie, and Tiny engraved on the headboard, and a blue bedroom held three beds with the names Black Cat, Smoky, and Boastful. Tired beyond belief for some reason (or perhaps it was the effect of one of the random pills she found in the medicine cabinet), she lay herself across the bed of Smoky and fell asleep.
Later that evening, two cars and a motorcycle pulled into the driveway of the cottage. From one car emerged a young man with brown hair and a bell around his neck, a sleek-looking gentleman smoking a cigarette, and a young girl with blond hair. A lady in a kimono, a girl in a waitress's outfit, and an older woman got out of the second car, and a notably rotund man scrambled off the motorcycle. The seven of them filed into the house one by one and beheld a startling sight.
Someone forgot to put up the milk after drinking it!
Once the shock wore off, and after Boastful boastfully admitted to leaving the milk out, the seven Sweepers decided to relax; Black Cat, Sweetie, and Tiny popped a movie into the DVD player and began to watch it (more than likely it was Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure) while Sleazy and Cranky got the sudden urge to knit, forcing Boastful to hold the yarn as they worked. In the midst of all this, poor tired Smoky went upstairs to take a nap. He was so exhausted that he did not notice someone was already there…
About an hour later, Snow Walker opened her eyes and looked around. She was still in the cottage, still lying on the bed she had plopped on. Only one thing had changed…
Snow Walker couldn't move. She squirmed and wriggled, but a pair of strong arms pulled her back. Craning her head around, Snow Walker saw that a handsome, green-haired man held her in a bearhug as he slept. Relieved and strangely aroused by this, she started snuggling closer to him when a random thought came to her.
Wait…Snow Walker is supposed to be a maiden, right? Dang, what does that mean again? Do I lose my maidenhood if a man beside Queen Creed hugs me, or is that when a dude kisses me…Hold on, I know this…Omigod! What if hugging is how people make babies?! Snow Walker's obvious lack of sex ed. caused her to enter a state of confusion until the door opened and six people stared dumbfounded at the bed.
Black Cat gasped. Cranky shook her head in disgust. Boastful somehow got a boombox and started playing "Super Freak" for some very odd, perverse reason. Sweetie ran outside and stuck her head in a brick oven. Sleazy and Tiny then proceeded to beat the crap out of Smoky, all the while arguing over whose man he was. Snow Walker just watched Smoky's clobber session in amazement.
After a while, Black Cat got a gavel and called the Sweepers to order (technically to the kitchen table). Thus started the debate of what was to be done with Snow Walker.
"Can't I at least know your names?" asked Snow Walker beforehand.
"Eh, whatever," replied the young bell-wearing man. "I'm Black Cat, and that's Smoky," glaring at the smoking man who had almost had hug-babies with Snow Walker, "Cranky, Boastful, Sleazy, Sweetie," he looked at Sweetie with heart eyes, "and Tiny. She doesn't talk, so Smoky is her official translator!"
"Don't you guys have real names?"
"Shut up!" yelled Cranky in a cranky voice. "I say we fatten this girl up until she's plump and then cook her!"
"You're getting ahead of yourself, Cranky, that's not until Rinsel and Gretrain" reminded Black Cat.
"Nah, we have to grind her bones to make our bread!" stated Boastful.
"Wait until Eve and the Beanstalker" testified Sweetie.
"Let's brand her with a scarlet letter for messing with my Smoky-poo!" suggested Sleazy. Tiny turned her hand into a frying pan and smacked Sleazy over the head.
"That's not even a fairy tale," protested Boastful.
Soon enough, it turned into a heated argument about torture methods, fairy tales, and tacos. Things were starting to get out of hand, so Smoky pulled out his momma's shotgun ("Big Sleuth on Campus" reference) and fired a shot in the air, causing a chandelier to fall on his head.
"Look, all this bickering will get us nowhere, except perhaps the Guinness Book of World Records," reasoned Smoky. "Now, I say we go along with the typical solution that works for every some-chick-comes-to-a-cottage-seeking-shelter-from-her-evil-man-queen dilemma. We should let her stay for a while." Grudgingly, everyone agreed.
Mirror, mirror, on the way
Don't I look sexy in this lingerie?
Use your imagination to visualize how Queen Creed looked in his new lingerie. Alright, got it in your head? Doesn't it disgust you?...Ok, moving on. So Queen Creed tried showing off the Magic Mirror, who smartly placed a paper bag over his head and repeated "La la la la la la la la la la la!". This was annoying Maro as well, so he finally snuck up behind the Queen and trapped him in a muumuu. Trying to struggle out of his concealing prison, he noticed something attached to the lingerie. It looked like…
"Who dares to leave the price tag on their panties within my realm?!" raged Queen Creed, tearing the flowery muumuu of his body and proceeding to rip the tag to examine it. "Victoria's Secret…Maro, you cuddly fat man, you deceived me!!!" Tears started to stream down the Queen's face. On cue, the random white cat popped out from nowhere and started to play the world's tiniest violin. "You gave me a reason to love again in my lifetime. I thought I could trust you, Maro; I thought you cared for me! But now I see that this was just a façade all along, just a foolish reverie that, like all good things, must pass on. Brokenheartedly, I will mourn for the days when seeing your voluminous rolls of fat gave me great joy; grievingly, I will look back upon the happiness I felt knowing that the blubbery, morbidly obese elephant called Maro was once mine. Oh, how you've changed; how your heart has hardened along with your arteries clogged with cholesterol. Am I right to assume that the world truly is cold, with no room for a feminine, pretty he-queen?"
The Magic Mirror lifted his paper bag a couple of inches and remarked, "What about Snow Walker, dipqueer?"
Queen Creed's premenstrual syndrome-induced soliloquy was halted. The queen regained his composure in record time, the white cat dropped through a trapdoor into the bowels of Hell, and Maro rode his new Bentley to the local discotheque. Then he answered, "Junior high, my dear doctor, we kill her!"
"It's 'elementary'," corrected the Magic Mirror.
"Shaddup!" snapped Queen Creed, "I like to think on a higher level!"
That night, and for the next plothole after, Snow Walker lived with the Seven Sweepers. Together, they enjoyed a Bruce Springsteen concert, saw Casino Royale in theaters, went skiing on a random mountain that happened to be home to one of the most insane bears on the face of the planet, saved Boastful from becoming bear chow, and attempted to arrest the bear for arson on three counts and negative fourth degree murder on sixteen accounts. Of course, the bear's lawyer was a sly fox, and convinced the hare-brained judge to drop all charges. A few weeks and a couple thousand pinecones in debt later, the seven sweepers plus Snow Walker were back at the cottage, chillin'. On one particular day, Black Cat and Boastful were debating the proper size for a butter squash while seeing who could stuff the most crackers in their mouth; Cranky and Sweetie sat at the table with Snoop Dog, Anderson Cooper, and Snufalufagus, who were all enjoying a cup of tea and participating in a lively discussion about toenails; Tiny watched Spike TV. This unwittingly normal unusualness was broken by a scream, a bang, a crash, a boom, a creak, a thud, a wham, a shatter, and the random mooing of a cow, in respective order. Then, Sleazy stormed into the living room, tugging Snow Walker and Smoky by the ear.
"I knew it!" shouted she at the top of her lungs."I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Snow Walker was trying to have eye-contact babies with Smoky!!!"
Everybody stared at the insane waitress woman for forty-seven silent seconds before Sweetie suggested, "Bowling, anyone?"
Everyone stampeded to the door in a mad dash; Anderson Cooper even dueled Snufalufagus with Yu-Gi-Oh cards to see who got shotgun in Smoky's car. In clouds of dust and Snuffy fur, the two cars and the motorcycle departed, with Snoop being his druggie self and trying to fly there. Alas, he fell off the roof and died.
So Snow Walker was left all alone at the house, with the dead rapper rotting in the front yard. She went back inside the house, but just as she had locked the door and walked away from it, the doorbell rang. Snow Walker half-expected to see a Snoop Dog zombie who had somehow arisen from the dead, and the other half expected to see a man dressed up as a woman in a short green dress, jewelry, and diva sunglasses, who carried a Mary Kae sales display and had the strikingly familiar features of Queen Creed. Her latter half was satisfied.
"Good day, darling!" greeted the sexually confused sales-…it. "My name is, uh…Creeda! Might I interest you in our newest lines of lipstick and gloss?" Creeda opened a big box that shot multiple compartments out. "This week, we're featuring our most luscious lip shades, including 'Thermometer Mercury Red', 'Glossy Biologically Hazardous Blood', 'Raw Diseased Beef Crimson', and 'Those-Pretty-Red-Berries-Yo'-Mamma-Told You-Not-To-Eat-Or-Else-You'll-Die Red'. All made with only the finest ingredients of their kind!"
Snow Walker examined this display with keen interest, picking up one product, squinting to read the labels before placing it three centimeters away from its proper place. Creeda kept smiling and observing the deliberation, while hissing every few minutes, "Pick one, dammit!"
Finally, Snow Walker picked up a bottle of perfume and sniffed the scratch-and-get high sticker. "I love this! I'll take it!"
"Excellent!" squealed Creeda ecstatically. "That's one of the best perfumes in our line: Supa Dupa Cawn-sun-ter-ated Opium Perfume and Mouthwash! The men will go nuts, and believe me, it is so worth dying for!"
"Really now?" she glanced at the rotting carcass of Snoop Dog. "Then I think he owes you for one of these, then?"
Creeda winced as flies swarmed the dead rapper. "Uh, sure…tell you what, keep that as a gift and I'll hack Snoop Dog's account later and charge him!" The bottle of Supa Dupa Cawn-sun-ter-ated Opium Perfume and Mouthwash was shoved into Snow Walker's hands before Creeda ran off and made his escape in the Batmobile, later joining the circus.
Now Snow Walker went back inside the house, gleaming with joy at her new item. She should try it out, so she did a quick breathalyzer test, and upon discovering that her blood alcohol content was 7.5, she decided to freshen her breath with the mouthwash. All she did was sniff the concoction, then stand there for a minute. Nothing happened. Unless falling to the ground unconscious is something worth noting.
Later that evening, the Seven Sweepers returned home in their vehicles. Anderson Cooper had walked home because he had lost dramatically at strip poker, and Snuffy decided to go clubbing with Grover. Thusly, the seven opened the door and beheld a frightful sight.
Someone had forgotten to feed the fish!
Hurriedly, Sleazy ran to the other room to feed the poor fishes, and right when she left, Black Cat tripped over something in the middle of the floor, and it took his ADHD brain a couple of seconds to realize that this something was Snow Walker.
"Oh my god!" he cried, causing Boastful to drop a stack of GQ centerfolds he was carrying onto the floor. Cranky and Sweetie ignored him and continued to play Scrabble in Albanian, but Tiny wordlessly bent down and assisted him. Curiously, she picked one up and unfolded it; her reaction did not falter as she stared at it, placed that one in a pile, picked another up, and unfolded it, only to repeat the process.
Smoky ran over to Black Cat and reeled back in despair. "Good gravy lumps! She's been poisoned! Someone placed her under a spell that will only secede upon being kissed!" He kneeled down and ran his fingers through Snow Walker's purple hair, gently lifting her head in his arms. "Oh, as a gentleman and a Sweeper, I would happily risk my wellbeing and a thousand lashings from Sleazy, if only to break this spell!"
And with this, he began to passionately make out with the comatose Snow Walker. He fell on top of her, using his tongue in exquisite ways and touching her in a non-fairytale-friendly manner. Black Cat started to feel very funny, giving him the sudden urge to spirit Sweetie away to a local hotel; Boastful had assembled a full-fledged film crew in a matter of five seconds to capture every moment; Cranky just shook her head at the idiocy playing around her; Sleazy walked into the room and had a heart attack, asthma episode, seizure, hot flash, and a concussion all at the same time; Tiny observed in silence, sometimes glancing back and forth between the GQ and the current spectacle.
After five minutes, only Cranky had the decency to walk over and peel Smoky off the passed out Snow Walker and state simply, "I don't think you're her true love, hot shot."
Just then, they heard the sound of clomping coming from outside. Sweetie ran to the door exclaiming, "That must be Prince Charden coming on his valiant steed to awaken Snow Walker!" Everyone else ran to the door and hurried out, except for Smoky, who would have tried to steal another kiss had Sleazy not gagged and bound him and put him in a strait jacket, pulling him behind her.
As Prince Charden neared their little cottage, the Seven Sweepers were disappointed to find that he rode no valiant steed; rather, he galloped on his invisible horse, followed by Kyoko happily clacking two halves of a coconut together. Nobly and stupidly he rode until he came to a halt and parked his invisible horse in the driveway. He supposedly dismounted and strode towards the house, with Kyoko strapping the coconuts into a coconut bra and following behind him.
"Be there a maiden who has fallen under the spell of Queen Creed?" inquired Prince Charden.
Black Cat scratched his head. "Yeah, I think so…we're just not sure about the 'maiden' part anymore." Everyone glared at Sven in his strait jacket.
"No matter," resolved Prince Charden, "I have searched the world for my one true love, and after several one-night stands, I bid the good lord grant me a soul mate in Snow Walker, whose eyes are as blue as sapphires, her hair as ridiculously purple as a violet, and her mind as blank as-."
"Oh, you mean the chick who OD'ed and passed out on the floor?" interrupted Boastful very bluntly. "Front room, to the left."
Single filed, the ninesome reentered the cottage and stood over Snow Walker, sprawled out on the floor. Prince Charden kneeled down and gazed longingly at her, then slowly took of his glasses. Everyone gasped. He then lowered his head and planted a single, sweet kiss on the lips of Snow Walker.
The somewhat-maiden's eyes fluttered open and stared at Prince Charden's blue eyes. So this was her true love! Oh joy! Oh happy day! Oh…"Crap, I'm hungry!" were the first words out of her mouth.
Upon her revival, all seven Sweepers cheered. Charden picked up Snow Walker and carried her out the front door. Six of the Seven Sweepers partied and gave good wishes to the new couple on their way out, (Smoky had turned emo and was crying in his room). Then, after making a quick stop at Burger King, Prince Charden and Snow Walker rode their invisible horses back to the royal castle to get married.
…And they lived happily ever after.