Disclaimer--How I wish I had the imagination to write 'Twilight'. Stephenie Meyer owns all characters relating to the Twilight series.
Special thanks to the Livejournal group 'Sort of Beautiful' for the inspiration and kind words.
I awake one night, a week after the invitations went out. I can barely catch my breath, my arms and my chest sore, as though a giant elastic band has snapped back on them. I realize then that Jacob is gone—stretched himself so far away from me that he is no longer attached and I sob myself back to fitful sleeps, grateful that Edward is out somewhere in the dark hunting so that I can mourn without guilt.
There is a fury of ribbon, tulle, flowers and an assortment of wedding paraphernalia strewn about the Cullen household. Esme, Rosalie and Alice are tying candies into tulle, rolling their eyes when I ask who would possibly care if they got candy at a wedding.
'Thank God you have me, " said Alice. "I know it is a small wedding, but it will still be tasteful and you will thank me some day!"
Rosalie and Esme laughed knowingly. I glanced over to Jasper, Emmet and Edward messing around in the next room, trying on tuxedos. Must be nice not to have to do anything but show up and say 'I do'. Not that I have been much help in the whole wedding mess. Trying to feign some interest, I had looked at catalogues, flowers, tablecloths and more colour schemes than I thought existed.
I had tried to be a trooper, but I still felt uncomfortable about the wedding, with absolutely no encouragement on the homefront about the whole situation. It appeared as though Charlie was going to have a stroke when we broke the news, despite his newfound respect for Edward. Renee wasn't much better, threatening to drag me to Jacksonville for a while to 'straighten me out'. It took a lot of talking and cajoling, and smoothing around the edges, but everyone was still talking to each other, but only barely at Charlie's house.
Alice thrust a stack of papers under my nose. "Could you please pick out some readings for the ceremony?" she asked in a sweetly demanding tone.
"I thought you were keeping it short and sweet," I lamented. "You know, 'I do' and you may now kiss the bride." Her laughter rang out like a song.
"Surely you know me better than that by now Bella." Truly, I should have. Sighing heavily, I leafed through the stack. Too sweet, too old, too modern, too lovey dovey. Where did she get these from? One caught my eye and I couldn't help but smile at the ending.
Somewhere there waiteth in this world of ours
For one lone soul another lonely soul,
Each choosing each through all the weary hours,
And meeting strangely at one sudden goal,
Then blend they, like green leaves with golden flowers,
Into one beautiful and perfect whole;
And life's long night is ended, and the way
Lies open onward to eternal day.
Edwin Arnold
Meeting strangely, night ending and eternal day made the whole piece seem fitting. I put that on the 'keeper' pile. Skimming a few more pages, I almost threw the rest down in disgust until one more caught my eye.
I must conquer my loneliness alone.
I must be happy with myself
Or I have nothing to offer.
Two halves have little choice but to join
And, yes, they do make a whole,
But two wholes, when they coincide,
That is the beauty of love.
My breath caught in my throat. Tears welled behind my eyes, but I refused to set them free here. Alice's head snapped up, her eyes narrowing at me. "What's wrong Bella?"
Edward was by my side before I could even turn my head. I couldn't be sure what she was thinking to Edward, but her face was terse and Edward glared at her. Turning to me he announced that the wedding fun was over for the day.Ushering me out of the house, I could feel the confused looks the rest of the Cullens shot my way while Edward put me into his Volvo to take me home.
The silence was palatable. Glancing over at Edward's face, I let out the breath I had been holding. He had a look on his face that I couldn't quite place. Expecting anger, sadness, regret, expecting some kind of emotion, I was unable to read the slight smile on his face, like he knew what was going on in my head. But how could that be? I didn't even know what caused me to react that way. Edward didn't ask and I didn't feel compelled to tell him, because what was there to say right at this moment? How could I tell him that I suddenly realized I was half a person—not even whole, unsure if I had ever been a whole person at all in what seemed like only a handful of years that I had been alive.
Was I happy with myself? Could I be alone? Shame crept across my face, leaving red welts when I recalled my reaction to Edward leaving me last year. I couldn't function, I had to let someone else pick up the pieces. I had been even more pathetic since Edward's return, begging him not to leave, to stay during the fight because I couldn't bear for anything to happen to him—I couldn't bear to be alone.
"Would you like to tell me what you are thinking now?" Edward asked, his smile gone when he saw the look on my face. I couldn't even look him in the eye. I was disgusted with myself.
"I need to think for a little bit. Alone." I stumbled on the words, unable to speak straight, unsure how to explain my thought process on this one. I knew if I were to try and explain, he would do his best to brush it aside, assure me that I was everything to him and that I was just a little nervous. Or maybe he wouldn't say anything at all. Perhaps he would stare at me, right through me and I couldn't bear that look right now. Edward brought his face close to me and lightly kissed my forehead, then brought up my chin so I had no choice but to look in his eyes.
"I will be here, any hour of the day or night. Call me and I will come and we can talk when you are ready." He kissed me one more time and I gracelessly exited the car. I waited for him to pull away before I began walking to the door, unsure if I could walk. I wanted to lie down on the grass and stare into the sky, looking for answers to fall down from the heavens, or even for a little clarity to drip down in the form of rain. How futile those wishes are, I thought and hopped into the truck, knowing only one place where things seemed to come in clear.
Hoping no one would come to greet me, I got out of the truck at LaPush and headed straight to 'our' tree stump. I knew, I could feel, that Jacob was no longer here, but I thought this spot would help me to see things a little more clearly.
Staring at the ocean for what seemed like hours didn't seem to help anything. I recited that poem in my head again and again, realizing, no matter how I looked at it, I was half a person. I had been so tied up in Edward and wanting to 'join' his family, planning for the issues that would arrive after the change, I had already stopped living. I did little without him or the members of his family. His interests had become mine, and some of mine seemed to be creeping into his. Trying to think back to the time before I had come to Forks, I tried to remember what I used to do for fun. It seemed so long ago, having been through so much in a year and a half. I had trouble remembering. Reading was always top on my list, but there were movies with friends, and I couldn't help but remember watching some football games in the name of school spirit. I wasn't overly involved in school activities, and kept myself out of trouble, watching out for Renee. I found myself hard pressed to think of much of what I used to do.
I closed my eyes and pictured myself having a day to myself. Right here, right now. What would I do? Try as I might, Edward would not leave my thoughts. He was with me at the bookstore, the movies, walking, at my house. Not good, I thought. I cannot separate myself in my daydream. How could I hope to do it in real life?
Picking up a piece of driftwood, I drew a circle in the sand. I drew a half circle attached to it. It looked awkward. I drew two circles together—it became the symbol of eternity. I drew many many circles on the beach. From the corner of my eye, I saw Sam approach me. I felt half crazed, standing there, my face streaked with tears, my voice breaking as I asked him,
"Are you a whole person on your own? Do you feel whole Sam?" He eyed me warily, then approached with caution, placing a hand on my shoulder. I looked into his eyes and knew—of course he was whole. He couldn't lead the pack if he wasn't. We stood and stared at the ocean in silence while I watched the ocean eat away at the circles I had drawn, leaving behind a forest of half circles, all taunting me in their incompleteness.
Edward was, of course, horribly understanding. I cannot wonder if he was secretly thrilled that I would remain human for a while longer. He knew of my plan, Alice having seen it. I tried my best to explain it, tell him that it was all for him, because it was. I couldn't join him as half a person. I had to be whole too. It was the only gift I could give him. He teasingly called me foolish (as I knew he would). He said that I completed him as I was, and he required nothing more. But he also said that he understood and was happy to keep me whole. I could barely stand myself—I asked him if he would miss me?
"Of course, love. Of course." And he kissed me in such a way that I couldn't help but believe it. He knew I would return to him. Otherwise, how could he let me go?
Charlie was beside himself when I told him what I wanted to do. He couldn't understand how I was going to get married in one breath, then leave to 'find myself' in the next. I think he secretly believed it was Edward's fault I was leaving. Explaining myself again helped some, and Charlie conceded to help me. Though it was definitely not my first or even tenth choice of places to live, he had a friend who had retired to Denver and owned a bookstore with an apartment on top. A job and an apartment in one fell swoop. I certainly couldn't turn that down. I was also able to placate his concerns about not attending college this year when I assured him I would take some night classes to see what truly interested me.
Looking at Edward one last time before I boarded the plane, I almost backed out. He looked at me, smoldering, encouraging me and I couldn't help but feel it would be okay. Though Alice was not happy with me for canceling the wedding, I knew she would continue to look out for me in her thoughts. Edward planned to go to Dartmouth while I was away. I assured him it would only be for a short time. I didn't know if I could bear to go longer than a day without speaking to him, let alone the length of time it would take me to find myself. Although he balked slightly at that condition, he knew, as well as I, that I would be on a plane back to him if I heard his voice. He agreed, though I secretly believed he would personally be keeping tabs on me.
We kissed one last time and I left to find out who Isabella Swan was and to learn to enjoy her company.
The first 3 months were hell. I called Charlie and Renee all the time to talk—I was afraid I would break down and call Edward. I also spoke with Angela a few times and Mike once. They were busy at school and I felt a little left out, though they thought it was 'cool' that I was taking a year off. I couldn't help but wonder if being attached to Edward's side at school had kept me from being a better friend.
The apartment was small but it had a full size kitchen and was right downtown. It was great to roll out of bed and walk downstairs to work. I signed up for a bunch of part time courses at a local college. I had no idea what I wanted to learn, so I took a myriad of courses, including art, creative writing, photography, psychology and business. I really enjoyed psychology and creative writing (boy did I have stories to write!) and was becoming pretty adept at photography. I had begun a journal for writing class writing down everything I thought, the reason behind this journey, my fears, what I discovered. Though I didn't write it specifically to Edward, I thought it would make a great wedding gift, an explanation of myself so that he could finally 'read' my thoughts.
As part of my 'journey', I decided to make a list of the things that I feared the most and attempt to conquer them—perhaps they were what was holding me back from feeling like a complete person. It was a little new-ageish to me, and I began to think I had been reading too many of Renee's self help book cast offs. However, I was desperate to make myself whole in a short amount of time, so my list began.
1. Being alone—conquered that one so far
2. Not knowing who I am—also on the path to discovery. This was seemingly easy.
3. Having to be saved by others. Hmm. Considering all that had happened to me in the last year or two, I had no choice but to be saved at times. I decided that it was time for me to learn to take care of myself.
4. Sports/Gyms –How could I not be afraid of these when I couldn't walk a straight line? I would need help on this one.
5. Ageing—I can't believe I wrote that one down. But it is true. Being surrounded by beautiful, ageless vampires could take a toll on self esteem, so I was going to have to work on this one really hard.
Since the first 2 things on my list were under control, I decided I could combine 3 and 4 by joining a gym. There were a few girls in my psychology class that belonged to a local gym, and they encouraged me to join with them. None of the looked overly athletic, so I felt less threatened about joining. Thankfully, Charlie's insurance was still applicable for me, as there was an incident on the elliptical trainer that involved a sprained ankle. That was it for machines for me. I did learn that I was somewhat capable in the pool, able to do strokes in my own time. We took weight training for women and I was able to use the hand weights without hurting myself or others. I refused the strip aerobics class, but somehow, they talked me into kickboxing class. There was a great deal of coordination involved and when my lack of it was apparent, the instructor spent some extra time with me, and, in time, I improved. I was not ready to compete or even try my skills out in the ring, but I felt that I could take care of myself if the situation arose (well, unless it involved vampires or werewolves. That was another story.) Another 2 fears conquered!
Going to the gym with friends was great. Eventually, I had become friends with a few coworkers, and some other classmates. It was so oddly normal. I didn't look over my shoulder to ensure that rogue vampires were not out to get me. I went to cafes and concerts and other people's houses and laughed and ate and felt happy. We held rotating dinner parties, though my apartment seemed the favourite place since I could cook more than hot dogs and mac and cheese. I spent time alone and made plans to do things by myself. I walked, shopped and bike rode by myself (though always on the path and with a helmet. No point in tempting fate.) The feeling of bike riding always made me think of running with Edward. Though I was nowhere near as fast, there was nothing like the wind on my face.
I missed Edward and his family terribly. I ached to call and see how everything was, but I knew my resolve would crumble at 'Hello'. Though he never left a trace of evidence, I suspect Edward visited me from time to time. My dreams were regular dreams now, much less restless, but every so often I would awake and my forehead or my hand would be radiating a cool feeling that disappeared quickly after waking. It felt like one of Edward's kisses and I couldn't help but wonder if he had been here.
Sometimes I would awake with the 'snapped elastic' pain across my chest and difficulty breathing. I would lie awake and whisper small prayers of safety for an overgrown wolf who was out of my reach.
Seven months into my self discovery (still sounds a little too new ageish to me), I realized it was time to face my fear of ageing. I rented several movies of Hollywood's 'over 40' powerful women. They were still making it big, and looked fantastic. Though Diane Keaton was 60 and fabulous, I couldn't picture her with someone who looked Edward's age. The thought seemed somewhat absurd. Demi Moore's relationship with Ashton Kutcher did settle me some though.
Trying to think back to where my concerns with getting older laid, other than beautiful ageless vampires, I realized I hadn't really been with many older people throughout my life. There were sporadic visits with grandparents, but they had all passed away by the time I was 12. This was still turning around in my mind when I walked past a senior's residence. Marching in the front door before I had the chance to lose my nerve, I asked how I could become a volunteer.
Though I was apprehensive for a few weeks, I began to see how rich in history these individuals were. The stories they had to tell were incredible! I began to write some of my favourites down and would then take their portrait. They were thrilled when the nurses began posting their stories and pictures on the boards for everyone to read.
The more time I spent with the residents, the more interested I became in the gerontology. I researched activities I could do to with them to help them remember their lives better, recording what they wanted me to, hoping to leave behind a small piece of their history. After spending a day listening to 3 women tell of their journey to America from other countries, I couldn't help but think of the Cullens—all of them. They had lived so long and had many of their own stories to tell, yet they were always 'peripheral' stories. They watched humans from the sidelines, careful not to get into the thick of them. They knew the facts of what went on around them, but not the real truths, the heart of what happened. It was heartbreaking to think of it, and I wondered if, after I had changed, I could return and live with humans, not just near them.
I sat down to write in my journal (actually my 4th journal—apparently I had a lot to talk about while looking for myself) when I flinched after writing down the date. I had arrived a year today. I scrambled to think—how could that be? How could a year have gone by already? I started a new list in my book—a list of everything I had done, all I had accomplished. It was a long list. When I wrote my last words, I felt one end of my circle join the other. I felt whole. This was how it felt to be content and happy with myself. To know that I could be on my own and I would live, and live well.
Realizing the time, I ran (or walked quickly) from my apartment to the seniors' residence. I was meeting with Gracie today, one of my favourites. She had a million and one tales to tell and loved telling them to me. I stopped short before entering the building, becoming conscious of the fact that it was time to call Edward. Sitting on the stairs to catch my breath, I put my head between my knees to keep from fainting. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I thrilled and on the phone to him right now? I was ready. Wasn't I?
Slowly making my way to Gracie's room, I could see she was waiting patiently. I glanced to her dresser—it was crammed with photos—husband, children, grand and great grand children. Here was someone who had lived, who knew things. And suddenly, it occurred to me that she might help me sort out my new-found nerves.
"How did you know your husband was the one for you?" I asked, quickly realizing I had asked the wrong question. I knew Edward was the one for me. I had spent a year waiting to become an equal to him. Why did I ask that? Gracie chuckled and patted the chair beside her.
"It is a fairly simple story," she began, smiling. "It begins with a love so intense that I swear it burned me to touch him. How beautiful he was—all the girls were jealous. How I loved to look at him and how I loved him. And he loved me. He told me at every opportunity. He was everything to me, and I to him." I smiled knowingly, my heart leaping a little and settling. I made a plan to call Edward right after I was finished with Gracie.
"Alex was an incredible man. I could do no better." I whipped my eyes over to Gracie. She laughed at my reaction.
"But your husband's name was Peter," I stammered, confused.
Gracie laughed again and continued on. "That is true, now let me finish." I nodded for her to continue.
"As I said, I could do no better, ask for no more than a man like Alex. So when the doubt began to creep in, I tried to shove it aside. What was there to doubt? We loved each other, and, having courted for 6 months, were planning on getting married in 2 months. I know it sounds quick, but many marriages began that way in my time. Some began after only a few short weeks." I shook my head at the impossibility of it.
"I realized how different I was with Alex. I began to see myself as doe-eyed around him, seeing nothing but him, taking interest only in what he wanted to do. I lost who I was. I assumed that love was supposed to be like that." My stomach began turning and I implored her to continue.
"My best friend was a boy my age two farms over. Our families had always been close and there weren't many girls my age at our small school, so we spent a great deal of time together growing up. Once he came of age, he turned his thoughts and attention toward running the farm, trying to expand it and pay off his family's land. I could always talk to him about anything, and he confided in me more times than we could count. I went to visit him and we sat at his small kitchen table while I poured out all of my thoughts, my doubts, and a large amount of tears to him. I looked up from the table when I had finished speaking and felt a jolt of shock run through me. He sat across the table, looking at me with such love that I couldn't fathom it. How could that be? We were friends. Friends! How could he look at me that way? I knew I was a mess from crying, yet it came to me in a flash. He had seen me at my worst, not just this day but many times before. He had seen me at my best and all of the moods in between. I was myself with him and he accepted it. I didn't have to be anyone but me, and I suddenly remembered that I liked me! I was funny and smart and a hard worker. With that one look from him, I rediscovered myself in his eyes, and well…..Peter and I married within the month. And we were married for 57 years, until he passed." Gracie closed her eyes and smiled, lost in thoughts of a wedding day so long ago.
I exhaled, unaware how long I had been holding my breath for. My mind swam with an odd mix of confusion and comprehension. I hesitated before asking, knowing it was none of my business, but dying of curiosity.
"And what happened to Alex?" I asked quietly. Gracie's eyes opened and she smiled lightly.
"What could he do? He was such a gentleman. He said he understood, but I could see the sadness. I felt horrible, absolutely awful that I would do that to anyone. I tore myself up over it for days until I understood that I was going to live a long life, and I had to live with myself first and foremost through all of it. I had to choose me over everything else."
"So that was your happily every after?" I teased.
Gracie turned serious. "Child, there is no such thing as happily ever after. There are good times, great times and then there are hard times. Some you create yourself, and some that just happen to innocent people. There are fights, some unkind thoughts and perhaps some quiet moments, hours or days where neither will bend to the other. But you will work your way through it. Love is work. Hard work and that is why you need to be with someone willing to work with you, not save you or do it for you. Be with the person you are yourself with. Love the person you are willing to live with. Really live, down in the dirt, covered in life with. That is who you'll find true happiness and love with." She smiled a tired smile and rose from her chair, slowly making her way to the bed. Pointing to a picture in a weathered frame, she beckoned me to bring it to her.
"For you." She said simply. I looked at the picture. It was sepia coloured and obviously quite old. Two figures stood in a field. They were too far away to see their faces, but you could see their arms around each other, faces turned towards the other. I tried to give it back, telling her that her children would want it. Gracie refused, saying they all had their copies and that this would go with the story she knew I would write. I smiled and kissed her softly on the forehead and wished her a good rest.
I slowly made my way out of the building, clutching the photo that screamed of hopefulness to me. I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes and the echo of a long unsaid name swimming in my mind. I walked out onto the sidewalk and headlong into someone's chest. Looking up to apologize, I gasped. Believing the tears were marring my vision, I wiped my eyes and looked again. Jacob stood uncertainly before me. We looked at each other in disbelief. Still unsure that he was real, I reached out to touch his face. His hand mirrored my action. We stood there like that for so long that I could feel the sun shifting its position on my back. Slowly, idiot-grins smeared both of our faces and we stared at each other wordlessly, because what more was there to say?
Life's long night is ended and the way lies open onward to eternal day.
I awoke with a start one week later. I could feel a small cold epicenter on my forehead that was slowly disappearing. I sat up with a start realizing Edward had been here. I had been trying for the better part of the week to figure out how to tell him. Flipping between email, phone calls and a trip to his place, I couldn't decide what the best way would be. I slid out of bed and realized that I wouldn't need to make the choice any more. On my bedside table was a piece of paper with two words written in his beautiful script.
Live Well.
I felt horribly that Edward would have to find out this way. I suppose Alice would have mentioned the disappearance of my future and when it had not reappeared, he came to see me. I glanced over at Jacob, tangled in my sheets, sleeping soundly with his arms and legs hanging off my too small bed. I couldn't help but feel some pride mixed in with the love that spilled from me now. I had chosen myself. Chosen to be myself. Chosen to get down in the dirt, and really live. I had chosen to live and I would live it all. I would live well.