I own not this but other things.

Im still working on my other story but i just really like to switch things up sometimes to keep my mind happy

im kinda ADD sometimes lol

I hope you like it.

Rated for themes.

Please Read and Enjoy (also you can review if you want to any help on how i can improve is greatly appriciated)

When I was born, I was free.

When I die, I shall be free again.

It is just this life that is purgatory.

When did life change so irrevocably, that all the things I loved and held dear seem to vanish?

Maybe it was when I was a child, when people made fun of me for being not "good enough" or "pretty enough" or too weak…

Maybe it was the day he said "goodbye" without so much as a backward glance.

Or maybe it never changed, maybe I was just born flawed, with some defective genome that made it impossible for me to love and be loved at the same time…

I notice this trend is not a new one in my life, I fall in love, I get the cold shoulder.

They fall in what they would describe as love, and I choose to ignore it.

Ha, even now, I cant be sure enough about myself to say for certain that it was love they held in there hearts.

What a foreign concept, someone in love with me. Someone willing to have there heart shattered by me if I chose to do such a thing, and inevitably, it seems that I have done to them the one thing I tried so hard to never let happen to me.

I am sure that if there is a heaven and a hell, there is a spot in the lowest level of hell for people like me.

I wish… again with the wishing. My life has boiled down to a thick stew of unfulfilled wishes.

If I could change anything about my life, I would have gone with love where it found me; I mean being loved by someone is better than being too scared to admit that you can be happy if you let yourself be, right?

It is funny how its times like these that make you rethink your life.

I wonder why that is…

Who made up the rules on life and love, I know it wasn't me. If I had, things would be so much less complicated.

Where is the book on life and love that tells you that you're making a mistake, that your heart really is that strong, and if you let it, it can make you happy, all you need to do is let go of the fear of getting your heart broken.

However, in youth and good health, when life is all about tomorrow and the next big step, things that might hurt seem so unappealing, only the fast highs and short-term pleasures seem worth the effort.

But in retrospect, if I had had the courage to just give my heart to him, I know I would have had a much happier life.

I wonder what he's doing right now. If maybe, he's thinking about me, wondering what it is that I am doing at this very moment.

The moon is full…

It was a night much like this, all these years ago when I was 22, that we had first really gotten to know each other. I mean we had met many times before that night, but not really as friends, more as allies, with a mutual friendship with Naruto.

…the good old days… when I had all my life ahead of me, when I trained with Tsunade-sama, and became the strong woman that everyone I knew could be proud of. I saved lives and probably broke a few hearts without even knowing.

It was a small festival celebrating 10 years of alliance with Suna. There where paper lanterns hanging in the streets, stands selling little birds on strings to the children (a cruel thing to do I've always thought) people Bon Dancing around the fire.

Everything was going well, I was dressed in a beautiful Sea foam green Kimono, which I picked out because it was the exact complimentary color to my hair, it took me almost a month to get the color just right, heh. The Kimono had a beautiful cherry blossom inlay in the same pink as my hair along the bottom and running up my right side, The obi was a deep brown like the trunk of a Sakura tree.

It felt very befitting.

I'm not really that sure why I dressed up so much, I guess I just felt like dressing up and it was a good excuse.

Maybe deep down I knew what was in store for me that night and I was preparing myself for some destiny, that if I had said what I felt, what I knew what would get me hurt, I could have been happy.

I must have spent hours with the same old group, just drinking and laughing before Temari showed up at the bar we where in. She joined in with the little party we where having very quickly making jokes and poking fun.

She was such a good spirit.

I wish we could still be friends, but the rest of that night ruined that as well.

It was getting late and I was starting to get to warm in the bar, and the smoke was making my head hurt, so I excused myself and started to walk home.

It was such a beautiful night. The stars where shining, there where sill a few small groups of rebellious children laughing and running around, hopped up on sugar and the electricity in the air.

I remember deciding to take the long way around the village to my house; it was too bright with the full moon to miss such a lovely and peaceful view of Konoha.

I had made it to about ten minutes from my home when I noticed a lone figure sitting under a cherry tree in the park.

I still to this day don't know what compelled me to go to him.

He looked so alone and peaceful

Maybe I knew I was in love then, somewhere deep inside my heart, in a far recess where lost things lay to never be found.

I don't know why I did, but I did. I sat next to him, he gave me a slightly startled look, like it was not often that people just came up to him and hung out.

But I guess that makes sense, I mean who really in there right mind would just casually walk up to and sit next to, the infamous Gaara?

The killer so many, the strong and quiet Kazekage of Suna.

To be quite honest, I'm also not quiet sure why I did it. Maybe it was the Sake, Probably.

But I just felt so nice and at ease there, plus he was sitting in one of my favorite places in Konoha.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, he was still looking at me, but his face had changed from slightly startled to a more normal expressionless one.

I was starting to get a bit cold by that point but I didn't want to leave, I was enjoying the small happy feeling the sake was giving me around the quite handsome young man sitting next to me.

When I started to shiver a little bit, he did something I never would have believed had I not been there. He took off his outer coat and put it across my shoulders.

You could have tipped me over with a feather I was so shocked by his action, I never knew of him being so kind to anyone. Maybe that was the reason, or maybe there was something else I'm forgetting, but whatever the reason, I leaned in and kissed him.

It was probably the potent mixture of kindness, good looks, and sake, mostly the sake…

At first, I could tell he was surprised by my action, but soon he was kissing back, and it was nice.

I know I probably shouldn't have, but I was young and having fun, so I asked him back to my place. I mean I was cold and I was afraid I was ruining my kimono.

Whatever the specific reason at the time, I asked and he complied. We walked a little hurried, the rest of the distance to my house, I opened the door, and he followed me in.

…so many memories, I'm glad to have memories like that now, but I could have had so many more if I had just opened up a little more.

Given love a chance.

Not woken up in the morning in the arms of a beautiful specimen and pushed him away.

It may have been the heat of the moment, but somewhere in between the heavy breaths and frantic grasps, he whispered he loved me.

It scared me.

Love.

The cruelest of the four letter words, said in so many contexts, meant and not meant a million different ways.

I told him it had been a mistake when he tried to kiss me in the morning. Even if it hurt me to say it, I knew that being with him could only hurt me. The look in his eyes was probably the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. He left without another word; he was out of my life and out of my village in a matter of hours.

I kind of knew I had made a mistake when I couldn't sleep that night. All I could see was his eyes, the hurt, and the betrayal.

I heard rumors that he had killed some people in towns near to Suna in the days after he left, that they where all young women and they all had their hearts ripped out.

He got into a lot of trouble, lost a lot of the respect and trust he had spent years building up with his villagers.

I guess it makes sense that I am here, laying up against a scratchy tree, in a forest I do not know.

I said it was funny; the things we think at times like these.

However, funny is not the word I should have used.

Being stuck here, with a fatal wound in my side, unable or perhaps even a little bit unwilling to move any longer.

The only thing to comfort me is my memories.

If I had been more willing to accept love, I could be sitting in a warm home with beautiful children, and a man that loves me.

Not Here, Dieing, Alone…

Nevertheless, here I am being tortured in my last few moments alive by the memories of mistakes I would have killed myself years ago if I thought for a second it would make the pain I caused him, and me to go away.

Hell.

The word, that, would best, describe the, things… we think… at times… like this.

Fin

I hope you like it, I have been in a weird mood this morning, so I figured id try to get some of this emotion onto paper.

I am sorry it is somewhat sad.

And the … are moments when she is sighing remembering things.

Plus she is dieing throughout this entire story

So she is kind of not having a good day all-around

At the end it's choppy because it is her coming to the end of her life

Please tell me what you think! I love reviews D

Even if you think what your going to say sounds stupid it's ok, it won't.

o