Ch 1: Zen

A/N: This chapter has a bit of angst and hurt/comfort but it's mostly happy! I've never given birth to a child so I'm sorry if my description seems to lack accuracy. I tried to keep it as realistic as possible and not over romanticize it. Sooooo let me know what you think!

Also slight trigger warning for infertility and trouble conceiving

Once they got married, they decided almost immediately they wanted a child. Many of the other RFA members expressed their concerns; that it was too soon, that they were too young, that it wasn't practical given his career. But Zen was sure, he'd always wanted to be a father, and though he was honest about his desires, he tried to be careful not to pressure MC.

The first time they discusses it was before they were engaged. They lay on the couch, MC between his legs and his arms wrapped around her waist, as they watched a movie.

"Hey, MC," he said, making her turn her attention away from the movie and to him, "Do you want kids?" He remembered the look she gave him. She looked confused and she frowned a bit and he mentally kicked himself for bringing it up.

"I do," she said slowly, "Do you?" He nodded, trying not to look too enthusiastic. She smiled and he leaned down to kiss her. "Why? What made you think about it?" she asked, they'd both viably relaxed after hearing the others answers.

Zen stretched out his fingers and pressed his palm against her stomach. "Nothing, I just… I've always wanted to have kids, to be a better parent than my father was, and… I was a bit worried you wouldn't want to…" he admitted, trailing off at the end as he began to feel embarrassed.

MC giggled in response and placed her hand over his. "Someday you will be, Zen" she promised and he swore he couldn't love her more than he did in that moment.

They talked about it occasionally once they got engaged, but never too seriously. It always stayed as a "someday", until they got married. It was only a few months into the marriage when he went to bed one night and MC quickly had her arms around his neck and was pulling him down on top of her. He was so intoxicated by her, whispering how beautiful she was as he kissed down her neck that he almost forgot, almost.

He remembered, silently cursing that he had to move away from her, and reached over to the bedside table to retrieve a condom. He opened the drawer and she caught his wrist, her finger wrapping around it and gently pulling his hand back to her. He gave her a confused look and she just smiled, it took him a second to understand.

"Are you sure?" he asked tentatively, once he realized what she was implying. She nodded, her eyes wide and hopeful and he couldn't contain the grin that spread across her face as he leaned back down to smother her in kisses.

When the first pregnancy test came back negative, neither of them were too concerned. They both knew it wouldn't necessarily happen immediately. The second test was met with a frown, and the third was met with tears. MC blamed herself, thinking it was her fault that they couldn't conceive. Zen was always there to hold her, reassure her that she was beautiful and he thought her body was perfect, it was still too early, they hadn't been trying for too long yet.

But the months passed by, each one holding a new wave of sorrow and a feeling of failure. Zen began to regret telling her he'd always wanted kids. He couldn't stand to hear the way she talked about herself. She always felt like she wasn't good enough, that she was doing something wrong, she admitted she was terrified she'd never be able to give him kids.

Zen tried to remind her that it wasn't just her that was needed to make a child, it was both of them, and there was just as much of a chance that it was something on his end that caused complications. He told her that she had no responsibility to "give him kids", that wasn't the way she should talk about herself or her body, and he would forever be happy with her, he didn't need anything else. He tried to bring up adoption one day but MC quickly dismissed it, saying she felt like that was admitting defeat. He suggested going to a doctor, but that just brought a new wave of tears from her so he didn't mention either again. But most importantly, he never let her see him cry because of it.

One day when he came home from work, the house was silent. "MC? Are you home?" he called, as he shut the door behind him. She slowly walked out of the bathroom, tears in her eyes and a pregnancy test in one hand. "I-" she tried to speak but she couldn't get the words out. She fell to the floor crying and he ran across the room to pull her into his arms.

"Oh baby, please don't cry," he said softly. He held her in his lap and rocked her back and forth, his hand brushing her hair out of her face. "It's going to be okay, babe, I promise. I love you and you love me and that's all that matters, right? We're going to be okay, MC. Shhh baby, don't cry."

He tried to comfort her but she shook her head back and forth. "Zen," she managed to whisper through her tears, "I… I think… I think I'm pregnant…" Zen froze, trying not get too excited by her words. She held up the pregnancy test she was holding and his breathe caught in his throat when he saw it was positive.

"MC, baby…" he said slowly, cautiously, "I know you're excited hun but we need to be careful. What if…." he trailed off, not sure he could say the words. What if it's a false positive, he thought. He prayed it wasn't, he couldn't stand the idea, it would break her heart.

"No," MC shook her head, climbing off his lap so she could look at him, "I mean, I know it's possible, but this is the fourth test I've taken and they all came out positive, Zen."

"The fourth?" he asked, needing confirmation and she nodded her head in response. "Oh my god," he whispered, all previous hesitation and caution disappearing. MC nodded again smiling with her eyes still bright from tears. "Oh my god, baby, you're pregnant," he exclaimed, grabbing her and holding her tightly against him. He could feel the tears starting to run down his own cheeks as he buried his face in her hair. "You're pregnant, we're having a baby," he whispered, "We're having a baby, oh my god." He couldn't help the sob of joy that escaped him. He repeated the words again, as if he was trying to convince himself and MC squealed with joy. Now it was her turn to hold him while he cried.

The next nine moths were filled with doctor's appointment, classes, books, careful meal planning, and Zen constantly checking up on her. He rarely left her side and barely let her do anything on her own. Although MC appreciated it, it did start to become annoying, but she let him do it. He never stopped smiling and always had something new to tell her about the babies development, or the delivery, or parenting. She was sure he read more books that she did even though he was the one working.

She appreciated him the most when it came to the doctors appointments. He never missed one, even when they conflicted with his work, so she was careful to schedule them when he was more likely to be available. He held her hand through everything and listened attentively, taking notes and asking questions MC would've never thought of. He always told her he wanted to be the perfect father, and she always laughed and told him that was impossible, but it never dulled his spirit.

The baby arrived a few days early, but Zen was more than prepared. He had an emergency bag packed for weeks ahead of time and the second her water broke he had the bag over his shoulder and her in his arms, carrying her to the car. MC laughed and insisted she could walk but he refused.

Once they arrived at the hospital Zen never left her side and his hands were always on her, holding her, pushing her hair back, rubbing her shoulders. MC felt like she should be nervous, scared even, but she couldn't be, not when her husband was so attentive and honestly entertaining in the way he bounced with nervous excitement. The first few hours weren't too bad, the contractions were… uncomfortable, but not necessarily painful, and she began to think it wouldn't be as bad as she was expecting.

She quickly realized that was a big mistake. As soon as she began to felt comfortable, the contractions came more often, lasted longer, and started to be agonizingly painful. After hours of screaming, crying, and begging for pain meds she previously refused, she was finally being told to push. "Please, get this baby out of me!" she begged, and Zen chuckled, earning himself a death glare.

"You're doing great, baby," he encouraged. She was surprised he could still smile so easily with how hard she was holding his hand, but he seemed to be ignoring the pain. "Deep breathes, babe. You're almost there. You can do this," he talked to her through the whole thing. In the beginning his voice was a nice distraction but by the end she had to bite her tongue to stop herself from screaming at him.

"Okay MC, one more push," the doctor said from his place between her legs. She couldn't see anything that was happening down there but she imagined it wasn't pretty, Zen's smile almost managed to convince her otherwise though. She didn't even try to control her scream as she pushed, her entire body was shaking and she was exhausted. She was sure she was going to pass out, but then she heard the sound of a child's cry fill the room.

To say her pain disappeared would be far too romanticized and not necessarily true, but she didn't care about it anymore, all she could focus on was that little bundle of blankets that was being carried across the room and handed to her. "Oh my god," she whispered as she took the child into her arms, a new wave of tears overcoming her.

She heard the doctor say something, but couldn't make out what it was. Luckily Zen responded for her and before she could bring herself to care about what was happening her legs were lying on the bed again, covered by a blanket, and Zen was sitting next to her. He had one arm around her shoulder and his head was leaned against hers. "Hi, baby," he cooed, reaching out one of his hands and the babies tiny fingers curled around it making him gasp.

"Are you crying?" MC giggled as she looked up at her husband.

"Mhhmm," he replied, gazing lovingly at the child she held in her arms. "They finished and took care of everything and said they'd give us a moment alone with our child," he stopped and smiled and repeated the phrase in a whisper, "our child."

"It all feels like a blur," MC admitted. She carefully stroked her thumb against one of the baby's cheeks and he opened his eyes just a bit. "He has you eyes," MC whispered, staring down at the bright red that stood out between his droopy eyelids.

Zen kissed her forehead in lieu of a response and watched the child squirm and yawn until he fell asleep in his mothers arms. When Zen married MC he was sure there was no one in the world he could ever love more than her but the day his son was born, he realized he was wrong.