Title:Can't Say Goodbye
Author:Myriad Daydreams
Timeframe:Beyond the Saga, LOTF Sacrifice
Characters:L/M (in a way) and, of course, Ben!
Genre: Somewhat romance, angst
Disclaimer:I do not own Star Wars!
A/N: This is a slight re-write of a scene towards the end of LOTF Sacrifice.
Can't Say Goodbye
JEDI COUNCIL SHUTTLE, HAPES CLUSTER: 40 A.B.Y.
Ben walked down the stark white halls of the ship with great care and caution. His glare was fixed firmly down at the ground beneath his feet, watching each footstep slowly across the smooth, shiny floor. He could almost see his reflection, hair disheveled and eyes tear- reddened. Just one foot in front of the other, he thought numbly to himself.
Just one foot in front of the other. It would have been a mindless task, on any ordinary day. However, this day reached far beyond the definition of normal, even for someone such as Ben Skywalker.
Today his mother was murdered.
"Just one foot in front of the other," he mumbled robotically. The world seemed to haze before his eyes, his body worked solely on autopilot. For the moment, he could keep his mind on only one thought, one tragedy, one life changing fact- his mother was dead.
The phrase was like an ill intended mantra, coursing through his head with every heartbeat, cruelly reminding him each time he drew breath, each time he thought of… her. His mother. Once again he found those few words tumbling out of his cracked lips, "One foot… in front of the other."
Meters ahead, a small brown mark on the pure white floor captured his attention, a momentary distraction from the grief- stricken reality he was living in. How did a stain like that get here, he thought to himself. In a more casual or public building, like the Galactic senate, or the GAG secret police quarters he visited often, grease marks and shoe scuffs were common sights. On the contrary, in this immaculate ship, it stuck out like an ewok boarding a Death Star.
The sight of it sent a sudden memory jolting through his mind, one he had not visited, or even remembered, for a long time…
-
A seven-year old Ben peered out from behind his bedroom door, open a sliver to allow him a view of the scene unfolding in his kitchen. Even in the haze of dusk, he could still see the outlines of his parents pacing by the oak dining table, and he could hear their harsh words clearly.
His mother, Mara Jade Skywalker, stood at one end of the table, emerald eyes blazing in fury, her anger directed at her husband standing opposite her at the table. Her stare could have melted a comet with its intensity, yet her husband did not flinch. Harsh words rung out from her lips, escaping and biting like fire creepers in a cave.
His father, Master Luke Skywalker faced her, callused hands grasping the back of a dining chair. His expression was blank and displayed calm and peace. However, with each growing moment his voice raised in intensity, and the blue in his eyes darkened to a cold midnight blue.
Ben's lip trembled. Mommy and Daddy did not fight very often. But when they did, it broke his heart. The part that hurt the most was the reason they were fighting- a smudge on the living room floor. Worst of all, Ben made that spot, with his own muddy boots. He didn't want to admit it.
His fingers trembled on the doorknob as his parents' yells grew louder yet…
-
Ben snapped back into reality, still hanging onto the phantom details of that sudden flashback. It was strange for it to come back now, of all times. All triggered by a simple mark on the floor…
His footsteps caught up to the spot on the floor, and he stepped on it pointedly. Something small inside him twinged, and tears prickled at his eyelids. Never again would he be able to hear his mother so vibrant, so stinging, so wildly alive. She always had a witty comment, no matter the situation, and her husband was the constant recipient of banter. It was in those moments that she was truly alive. Now she was eternally resting, peaceful.
"Just one foot in front of the other," Ben said again, half in anger this time. He attempted stifling a sob; at the same time he collided with a senior officer striding in the opposite direction down the narrow hallway.
Ben let out a startled grunt, mind reeling to find an appropriate response. The man was clad in simple gray, with thinning hair to match. Ben managed a hasty, "S-sorry, sir," and fought back tears so hard it hurt. He bit his lip furiously, and tasted blood. He hardly noticed, or cared.
Recognition blossomed on the old man's face. "My apologies, young Skwyalker." His voice was scratchy and awkward, a stark comparison to his immaculate appearance. "And may I extend my deepest sympathies to you in this time of tragedies." Ben felt his eyes narrow and his jaw drift open a fraction. He stared blankly up at the man, the little that he had to, and said nothing. This man did not know his mother. Ben did not know this man. How could he truly be sorry for him?
Not caring if the silence building was unwieldy, Ben said nothing. The officer gave Ben a curt nod and a consoling smile, and continued down the hall.Ben watched him go, until he turned the corner and was out of sight. Through the Force, Ben could feel his genuine concern, ebbing true for a few heartbeats, before simmering down, lost in other priorities. Ben wrinkled his nose with disgust, and continued walking.
Minutes later, he found a pair of doors looming ahead of him, just down the hall. Each had a single, circular window centered in the middle of its grey frame. Etched in red letters across both doors were the words Science and Forensics Lab 05: DO NOT ENTER. Ben reached back in his memory, mentally checking that the number matched what Cilghal told him hours previously. It felt like a lifetime ago.
Ben approached the doors, and found he was eye- level with the small viewing window. He lightly touched a door handle, and shuddered at its icy metal touch. He hesitated before opening the door, first peering inside to make sure the room was empty. The last thing he wanted was to burst into a room full of scientists or strangers.
The sight that met him was not what he expected. His mother's body was covered from the neck down in a plain while sheet and lying on an examination table. Her jade green eyes were closed peacefully. The caked blood and grime were cleaned away from her pallid skin. It felt like a calm, surreal dream.
However, one aspect of the view caused his temperature to boil. His father, Luke Skywalker, was already there, denying Ben of time alone with his mother. He vaguely remembered Cilghal warning him his father could already be there when he arrived. She was right.
Ben watched his father curiously, relishing in his temporary invisibility. Luke's shoulders were angled away from the door, bent over the form of his wife. His left hand, his real hand clasped one of Mara's lifeless hands. He gently caressed her palm with his thumb, one of his habits from when she was…
A lump rose in Ben's throat, unable to finish the thought. Alive. He blinked, and continued to analyze the delicate moment unfolding.
Something deep inside Ben twanged painfully at the sight of his father so broken down, so fragile, so… old. His shoulders slumped, eyes glazed over and vacant. Corran used to say Mara was what stopped Luke from aging. Without her, who knew what Luke would do next?
Ben grew impatient of waiting. He gently pushed open the door, not making a sound, and took a step into the room. With a single hand still grasping the door, he opened his mouth to alert his father of his presence, but the words died on his lips.
His father's lips were moving, he realized, he was speaking to his mother's body. Guilt and embarrassment washed over him, and quickly shielded his presence in the Force. Ben twisted his body, opening to steel door once again, as to make a silent, hasty exit. He sensed this was a private moment for his father, a final farewell. No place for a son to intrude.
As he turned his head to face the hallway, a fragment of his father's words floated past his ears. "… You really did want to see me, didn't you?" Ben sucked in a breath, suddenly frozen in place. "It's good to see you, too, sweetheart." Ben swallowed hard, heart torn in half. He wanted to respect his father's privacy, but his curiosity was gnawing away at him. Grimacing and pushing away the voice in his head urging him not to, Ben swiveled to face the door once again.
Luke was whispering softly, and Ben leaned forward and strained his ears, and still could only catch a few random words and fragments. He cautiously stretched out with the Force to heighten his senses, specifically hearing. Feeling its power flow through him, his father's raspy whisper suddenly became clear and audible as if he was speaking directly into Ben's own ears…
"I always wondered... hoped you would leave your body behind. Something for me to hold onto. Selfish of me, I suppose." Luke drew a long, ragged breath, and leaned a fraction closer to Mara's serene, angelic face. His breathing caused her flame- red hair to flicker around her face like reeds in a breeze. "From the start, I felt something special between us. Even with a blaster pushed to my temple and your beautiful green eyes ablaze with hatred, I felt something. Not to mention I thought you were absolutely beautiful," he added with a chuckle.
Ben was taken aback by his father's tone. Luke's voice was husky with his emotion, yet smooth like silk. It was a voice he never heard his father speak in before. It spoke volumes of a world he was never a part of- the love between his parents.
Luke continued to speak to her body. "I even remember the first words you said to me. 'Finally awake, are you?'" He smiled softly, stroking her hair with his callused hand. " And the first time we melded in the force, deep in the caves of Nirauan… It was like nothing I ever felt before. I suddenly knew everything about you- hopes, fears, joys, sadness, and darkest secrets. And I knew I loved you."
His voice faltered, and he stared blankly into the distance, as if searching his mind for a memory from the past. " I was so nervous when I proposed to you, Mara," he finally said, traces of a smirk evident on his face. "On the outside, I'm sure I looked farmboy honest, but deep down I was trembling with fear. I never had much luck in love, especially with Callista and such..."
Ben frowned involuntarily. Who was Callista? Probably not the best time to bring it up, considering the rueful expression on his father's face at the mention of the name…
"But when you said yes, my heart soared. I was never so happy in my life, even if we were so close to dying. It was a miracle, just knowing you wanted to spend the rest of your life by my side." He glanced away from her face for a moment. "Who knew it would end up like this," he added in a sorrowful tone.
"We did so many things together, love," he said a little louder, voice beginning to crack and waver. "We've faced so many enemies together, so many missions. We really do… did make a great team, like Faugn said all those years ago. It can't be over now. This isn't happening! I just can't accept that…" Master Skywalker closed his eyes tight, fighting back a torrent of grief. It washed through Ben like a hot, boiling storm.
At that moment, Luke's serene Jedi calm and posture broke, and with it Ben's heart. Luke stumbled forward slightly, pressing a hand to his mouth, stifling a sob. A strangled cry escaped his lips, and tears forced their way down his cheeks. He disentangled his now- clammy hand from Mara's lifeless one, and lightly traced the lines of her face, attempting to calm himself.
"I gave you my soul Mara! I trusted you with my life, my heart. And in turn, you gave me yours. But now you are gone." He hung his head; dark blonde locks falling into his eyes. "Your heart is no longer mine, love. It's been ripped away from me. You've gone somewhere I can't follow." Ben blinked away his own tears now prickling at his eyelids.
His father's words grew rough, and barely able to hear, even with the Force. Ben strained his sense even further just to catch the words. " But you still have my heart, Mara. Wherever you are, you've still captured my heart. And I don't know what to do. I miss you so much. So much. Because I love you." Luke leaned over to kiss Mara softly. He touched her lips gently with his, and lingered there, breathing in her familiar scent, forcing himself to forever engrave it into his memory. He lingered there for a long moment, letting his tears fall like gentle rain onto her alabaster skin and red hair.
At this precise, intimate moment, Ben's hand slipped on the metal doorknob, sending him stumbling into the silent examination room. He let out a yelp of surprise and self- annoyance, door swinging shut abruptly with an obnoxious CLAP.
Luke leapt backwards from his wife's body; alarm and embarrassment clear on his grief- stricken face. Ben regained his balance, and met his father's gaze. Blue-grey eyes met crystal- cerulean ones, and no words were spoken.
After several awkward and drawn out heartbeats, Ben broke the thick silence. "Sorry I haven't been in contact Dad," he managed to croak. "And I didn't mean to barge in on you and…"
His father raised a hand. "It's okay, son." His voice was equally strained. He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but instead turned to face his wife again. Tentatively, Ben approached the examination table to stand with his father. "Sweetheart," Luke said to her, "It's Ben."
Ben wasn't sure if he said that to comfort Ben, or just himself. Overcome by grief, exhaustion, and lack of sleep, he gratefully leaned into his father's embrace. Ben scarcely dared to breath, reveling in the rarity of the moment. In the Force, he could feel his father forcing down tears, smothering his grief for the moment. He would cry later, Ben knew, when no one was watching.
Ben gazed once more at the form of his serene mother. "I miss you, Mom." He swiped angrily at tears blurring his vision of her beautiful face. " I love you. I can't say goodbye."