I have no idea where this thought came from, but it won't leave me alone. Now you must deal with it as well. Mwahahaha!
Warning: Drug Abuse.
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Shaking his head Cameron pulled on his jacket and stuffed the baggies in the pocket ignoring the way his hands shook. He felt a sadly familiar wave of shame crash over him as he left the annex. It had been awhile since he had had to deal with that. Truthfully, he had hoped he never had to feel it again.
It seemed that was off the table though. Ever since Johnny had gone to prison he had to step up as the sort of leader of the team. Okay, so that was technically his job even when his brother was free, but the other man was so much better being in control.
That's the way it had always been. Jonathan was the calm twin. The one that was in control over everything and had a million plans for every single scenario. Cameron, on the other hand, liked to throw cation to the wind. He was the fire to Jonathan's water.
All in all that had led them both to some not so pleasant situations. Well, Cameron had led them there. He liked adventure and pushing the limit though. He wanted to try everything at least once and then master the things that he fell in love with.
Something that their father had hated. They were supposed to be magician's. Nothing more, nothing less. Their free time was filled with practicing and coming up with new tricks. That was it for them both.
Except that, as much as they both loved magic, it was dull to do for years on end with nothing else around. It became more and more like a job than anything else when they touring around with their father.
And the man was a mean boss most of the time. He demanded that they do things that everyone knew was dangerous. He had them both separated from the world outside of the team unless they were doing press. It was rarely any fun.
Jonathan had worked hard to give him some real enjoyment when they were younger. He had actually sneaked out of wherever they were more than once to go buy Cameron a book on whatever it was that had captured his eye that week.
Their father always freaked out when he found the books. Everything that they had worked for could go down the drain if anyone noticed that it was Jonathan and not Cameron. Cam hated when they got yelled at for things.
Everyone that did get to know them pointed out that he was the more sensitive out of the twins. That he didn't want to hurt anyone even if it meant that he was miserable. He was good at plastering on a grin and moving through his life like nothing was wrong.
Maybe it was because of that that he had slowly started to refuse the gifts that Johnny brought him. He just didn't want to hear their father yelling at them anymore. He couldn't take it anymore. Especially since his brother had started to fight back.
That was not a pleasant time in the Black family household. It didn't seem to matter where they were or what they were doing there was always a fight going on between their father and Jonathan. It never stopped.
Cameron loved his family with all of his heart. His brother was everything to him and, though they had issues, he looked up to his father and wanted his approval. The last thing he had wanted back then was for them to fall apart.
Day after day he began to slowly pull away from the both of them. Not enough that either noticed what was happening though. Well, not anything that Johnny noticed and he always notice when something was wrong with Cam.
It was mostly small things. Like throwing himself into the job more and more. He had lied and said that he wanted to learn more so they could start doing bigger and bigger tricks. Something their father was all for and Jonathan hated.
Every second of every day he hid behind his work to make it so neither of them noticed that he was falling apart listening to the two of them go at it all the time. It wasn't healthy by any means, but it was a hell of a lot better than the alternative. At least it was to him. For awhile.
Cameron still couldn't remember what city they were in when he first started. All he knew was that he had to get away from his world and he did know more than a few people that leaned towards the truly criminal aspects of life.
After all the training that he had been put through to pull off magic acts it wasn't difficult to take a little baggie out of someone's pocket without their knowledge and hide it somewhere he knew no one would look.
It was harder to steal a needle, but since he knew he was the last person that anyone would suspect he didn't worry all that much about it when one went missing and people started to get angry once more.
The spoon and lighter were no problem at all. Those were everywhere and being on the road all the time meant that they went missing more often than not. Not a single person suspected a thing and he hated them for that.
In the back of his mind he knew that it was because of who he was. Cameron Black was a ball of sunshine. He lit up a room whenever he smiled. He was the center of attention because he was so sweet and kind and whatever else the called him.
He knew that it wasn't meant to be a bad thing. He was just so different than his father and brother that him smiling all the time stood out. Anyway, with the life that they all had to lead it was nice having someone be positive all the time.
No one thought to wonder if he was okay with that. If he liked being the person that everyone turned to when they were having a hard day. If he could handle listening to everyone's problems while acting like he was perfectly fine.
They were all blinded by what was going on either on stage or in their own lives that they never looked to see if he had a mask on. That was Jonathan's job anyway. He was the twin and the older brother. He did the watching.
Except when he didn't. Cameron hated lying to his brother more than anything. They were really the only thing the other had. It was them against the world. Just like it had always been. Just like it always would be.
Because of that he knew exactly what he needed to do to trick his brother. He had never actually tricked him before. He planned it, of course, but that was just something that they did. They had a plan for everything.
The day that he started to put up a front in front of Jonathan though… He would never be able to forget just how much it hurt to know that he hadn't seen past the front. That he had fallen for it like everyone else. They weren't supposed to be like everyone else.
After he had actually gathered everything that he had needed he waited a few days more. He was well prepared now, but he didn't want to do it. He wanted to come up with another plan. He wanted someone to notice that something was wrong.
A week passed with no one saying anything. His brother and father were still arguing about everything and everyone still looked to him as if he was supposed to just be able to smile everything better. He had gotten tired of waiting after that.
He waited until they had a few days off before the next show and sneaked into one of the places he had hidden a stash of baggies. He didn't hesitate as he prepared the needle just like he had seen others do so many times before.
It was hard to find a vein in his arm, but once he did it was as if he was in another world. The world everyone thought he lived in regularly. Everything was peaceful and the sun was shining down on them all. It was all just so perfect. Everything was just so perfect. He was never going to leave that world again.
Shooting up became a habit quickly after that. Not that he minded. He had wanted an escape from his world and he had found one. No one suspected a thing and no one was being hurt by what he was doing. Everything was fine.
The only time that he ever felt like things weren't right was when he was performing. Cameron knew just how dangerous his line of work was. He had gotten hurt more than enough times to have learned that lesson.
Being a magician meant that he had to be in control of his mind and his body when he was on stage. The last thing he could be was out of his mind. No matter how much he craved having the needle in his arm once more.
The shows didn't last all that long anyway. Then they were off to the next venue and he had time to do what he wanted to do. Which translated to him sitting in a quiet place alone listening to the world around him high off his ass.
If he was honest he had no idea how long he had been shooting up. He could tell you the most random information, but that was too far out of his grasp. He couldn't even tell you the day that Jonathan had walked in on him with a needle in his vein.
All he could really remember of that day was attempting to comfort his brother while he cried. Johnny rarely cried. He wasn't that type of person. Seeing what Cameron was doing though had pushed all his walls down.
Things had changed after that. Jonathan never left his side for very long. He even started to go to the bathroom with him and sleeping on the floor next to his bed just to make sure that he didn't continue taking drugs.
Cameron should have been happy that he was finally getting a little attention, but he wasn't. He was in pain all the time. From stories he knew that withdraw was horrible, but he hadn't realized just how bad it was going to get.
Their father had thought that it was a bad case of the flu. He wasn't always the nicest person, but he wasn't cruel or stupid enough to make him go on stage when he was throwing up and shivering so hard his voice shook.
They took a little break from their tour and went to the annex. It was their one true home and it should have made him feel a little better, but it didn't. Because their father decided that he was going to go on the road himself and leave them alone.
If Cam thought that his brother was overprotective on the road it was nothing compared to how he was when they were alone and safe. He didn't think he ever had that much attention on him and he performed regularly in sold out arenas.
All he wanted to do was get was from Johnny. He wanted to get away from the eyes that followed him around. From the scowls that he tried to hid but couldn't quite manage. From the disappointment in his eyes.
It had taken a few days to figure out a plan to get away from Jonathan. It might have been sooner, but he couldn't really think all that well. All he knew was he needed to take more and he was desperate.
Johnny had been in the shower at the time. The door was wide open and he was paying close attention to Cam to make sure he didn't do anything. It had been weeks though so the other man had started to let his guard down a little.
He didn't have all that long to go to his father's room and grab the stash that he had hidden in one of the bags. Then he made his way down to the basement knowing that it was the last place that he would be found.
It had felt so good to get back what he had lost. The world was back to being all sunshine like everyone said his world should be. It was amazing and he was finally not in pain anymore. What could be better?
Jonathan had ending up finding him sometime later. All Cameron could do was grin up at him and ask if he heard the heartbeat too. His brother didn't respond. Instead he sat next to him on the floor and let himself be held by Cam while the younger twin started to talk out loud to the annex itself. As if it was alive.
In the morning, when the drugs were mostly out of his system and the shaking and pain had started again, they talked. Well, Jonathan talked. Which was a feat in and of itself. He hated talking about his feeling even if it was just with his brother.
Cameron never thought he'd see his big, overprotective brother so lost and emotional. That was what he did. Watching his brother break down like that was still one of the most terrifying things that he had ever seen in his life.
After that he had agreed to let Johnny help him get clean. Something that was made very hard considering neither of them could go out in the world and get any real help without exposed their secret and losing everything.
He had lost track of how many medical books Jonathan read trying to get any information he could to help. A part of him still wondered how they were able to pull it all off, but he officially had ten years sober under his belt and he was happy about that.
Except for the fact that he currently had $1,000 worth of illegal drugs in his pocket and he was shaking just like he used to. It had been so long. He should be over it all. The spell was supposed to be broken. He was supposed to be free.
Sill, as he made his way out of the annex and headed to get a taxi to go to the FBI building he was a little scared of his own mind. Not so much his mind really as his body screaming at him to just not turn them in and have a little fun like he used to.
He couldn't believe that Jordan had actually had the drugs they had taken. They should have been long gone by then. Alright, so getting rid of drugs wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do, but it had been almost a full day since they had taken them and they were in New York. They also were working with the police. There were many, many chances to get rid of them for good.
Instead the man had decided to keep them for some unknown reason. That was the part he really couldn't understand. Jordan hated drugs with a passion. It wasn't something that they talked about, but he knew the look in the younger man's eyes whenever they were brought up. Jonathan got the same look.
In the long run though it didn't really matter. Cameron was doing the right thing and getting rid of them and everything would go back to normal. No one on the team was ever going to touch them again. Everything would be fine.
Except he knew better. Nothing in their life was ever going to be 'normal' again. Not until they got Johnny out of prison and who knew when that would happen. It could easily be years before he was able to be with his brother again.
He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he was starting to lose faith. He had seen the way she worked. She had some real skill and it was doubtful that he was ever going to be going to be smart enough to take her down and get his brother released. He just wasn't good enough.
That had been something that his father had gotten upset with him for time and time again. It was actually usually where the yelling began. No matter how hard he tried or how many times he did a trick it was never good enough.
He lacked the natural skill that both his father and his brother had. What took the two of them hours to perfect took him days and sometimes even weeks. He was a constant disappointment and he knew it.
The only reason he was on stage was the fact he was a people person. Jonathan was a true magician. He knew exactly how to get the trick to do what he wanted when he wanted and no one knew what was happening. Cameron had to work at it.
That was the real reason he was the face of the whole show. Because he had a smile that could make the world stop and pay attention. He had none of the natural talent the rest of his family did and he had half of the brain of Jonathan. That was one of the reasons he spent so much of his time working and practicing his tricks. He needed to so he wouldn't let everyone down. It was also the reason he did more than a few death defying stunts.
He knew that the team and Kay all thought it was because he was a show off, but it was more than that. People paid less attention when there was real danger involved. They weren't looking for the trick. They were looking to be amazed.
At least that's what his father always said. Cameron didn't know the logic behind it, but he was okay not finding out. So he did dangerous things all the time knowing that he was less likely to be caught if he did them.
Not that that mattered anymore. The Amazing Cameron Black was over and done with. He wasn't going to be doing any real performances any time soon. He probably wouldn't even get back to it if… when they got Johnny out of prison. He was done.
The only life he had ever known had been on stage convincing people to believe his lies. That had been taken away from him and there was nothing he could do about that. Everyone knew that he was a fraud now. Which was something that he hated thinking about.
He had it good compared to his brother. He was free to do what he wanted when he wanted. The team was by his side no matter what. All in all he had a pretty charmed life. The last thing he should do was dwell on the fact that that part of his life was over. It was selfish of him and his fault anyway.
The mystery woman had only targeted Johnny to get to him. For what reason he still didn't know, but it was a fact. If he hadn't done whatever he did to her or if he had just let his brother walk away from the life they wouldn't be in this mess.
It was all his fault. He was a selfish, spoiled child just like his father had always said. It was all coming to bite him in the ass and the worst part was that it wasn't him that was being hurt. It was the people around him. He deserved to be hurt.
"Hey, buddy!" a voice suddenly called out making him jump, "You getting in or not?"
"No," Cameron replied looking at the taxi driver for a moment, "I'm good. Sorry."
Watching the driver sped off the man found himself wondering what had just happened. He was supposed to be taking the drugs to Kay so she could get rid of them. Why had he sent the taxi away when he did actually need it?
With a shaky breath he reached into his pocket putting his hand clenching the baggies. There was a lot of drugs in them. That much money could last a little while and it would be a very nice trip as well.
No one would know if he was too… No, what was he thinking? After everything that Johnny had done to get him clean the first time he shouldn't even be thinking of doing something so damn stupid again.
It was wrong on so many levels and he knew it. He was ten years sober. Ten years! He couldn't just throw that all away just because he was feeling a little down. He couldn't do that to his brother again. He couldn't.
Yet he couldn't bring himself to call for another taxi. It was as if he was frozen. He needed to… He needed to talk to Jonathan. He needed his brother to tell him what to do because he could feel himself losing control.
That wasn't going to happen anytime soon though. The other man was in prison! The last thing he needed to hear was his little brother whining about his troubles. He had to take care of himself this time around.
Swallowing roughly Cameron felt tears prick at his eyes as he turned and started to walk towards the backdoor of the annex. He did not need the team to know just how weak he was. They didn't need to know that he hadn't turned the drugs in. They didn't need to know what he was planning.