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Champions of Infinite Realms
Prologue: Prelude to the Beginning of What Happened Before the Preliminary Thing Started
"What's the thing?" asked Kinessa. Like every other idio- Champion person, Magistrate and Resistance alike, they were summoned to Fish Market.
"What thing?" Tyra questioned Kinessa.
"Didn't you read the title?"
Both women looked at a giant neon logo atop a very shady shack that smelled something awful.
"That... that is offensive!" Fernando declared in an offensive tone. "That fish shack is not sexy!"
"But shouldn't that make you happy?" Ying approached the very giant walking flamethrower with utmost curiosity.
"I want to blow my brains out," said Birdman. "What? My name is Strix."
Hey, how did you hear that?
"Dude, you're losing your touch, brah." Lex tipped his sunglasses down as he strode like a chode towards the very sketchy abode. He was wearing nothing but swimming trunks and had Danny Zuko's hairstyle. He even began combing his hair with his guns. "Bruh, that's GUNZ to you."
"I want to die already," Bolt groaned as Ruckus began making tune ups on him.
"I can arrange that," Androxus offered. He was slowly aiming his pistol at Bolt's fuel reserve but Inara summoned a stoned wall to knock it off his hand. Yes, the wall was indeed high on marijuana.
"If this is another one of those stupid costume parties Seris attends biweekly, I'm going to prod her to near death," Vivian says impatiently. She was even impatiently tapping her foot but it only gave Fernando to appreciate the impatient foot tapping because her booty was bootiful.
"It's so round! Like a pair of pears! Or an orc's orchestra!" Fernando by then was seeping with lustful woes and desires that he was caught in literal fire. Unbeknownst to him Skye had lit him on fire. How that happened is actually kind of funny and one hundred percent unintentional.
You see, while everyone with the exception of Seris was waiting, which was almost four hours, many of the Champions were doing something strange or were just flat out bored. Fernando was ogling Vivian's glorious thickness, randomly shouting "THICC" at her every now and then whereas Skye was walking sexily simultaneously eating cotton candy just as sexily. If you're wondering about why Seris is MIA or how Skye had unintentionally engorged Fernando in flames, it's because they're very detrimental to the plot.
"There's a plot here?"
Oh, yeah. Kinessa is the logical one.
"What? Why me? This better not be a politically correct type of thing."
So anyway, while Skye was doing that sexy thing, Pip turned Khan's wife into an actual pig and he went berserk not because she became a pig but because she became a male pig. So let's have a series of quasi-flashbacks.
"Let's make this interesting." Pip threw a beaker at Khan's wife (if you're imagining how she looks like, just put a pink bowtie on Khan's helmet) due to the Royal Guard asking the furry alchemist to shrink her a little. They had collapsed too many IKEA pieces in an attempt to "spice things up."
"You're mine!" Khan squealed in delight but as the smoke cleared, not only was she bigger than Khan but she stunk like Grohk's morning breath. "What the- YOU'RE SWINE! PIP!"
So in typical Tom and Jerry fashion, Khan chased Pip throughout the vicinity as everyone was en route to the shady fish shack.
"What a glorious day!" Talus was trying to pick flowers as he swooned over the thought of marrying Cassie but he was actually yanking weeds at Makoa's secret love shack. You see, he's the actual father of the Ninja Turtles. And yes, their mother is April. That's why she's always around them but they keep it a secret because April and Master Splinter were married for many years, but they slapped Krabby patties together during one drunken night when Master Splinter was boozed out during a game of Scrabble. All Makoa had to do was spell "Mr. McLovin." And if you're going to ask- yes... she did challenge Makoa.
Anyway, Makoa convinced Talus to pull his weeds because Shredder went back to his day job. How this is relevant is because he saw Cassie talking to several Cassie lookalikes but with different palette colors, and he absentmindedly made kissing noises. There were even pink heart shaped bubbles and cheesy love instrumental playing in the background. Cassie noticed Talus gawking and he imagined she smiled. In reality, Cassie was creeped out, gave an awkward wave and went on her merry way to the gathering point.
"That is my birthright." He gave out a lovesick sigh and because he was enamored with his daydream, he didn't know Khan and Pip were heading towards him. When they collided, they also knocked down several things and people, including Tracer and Widowmaker. Now the whole reason they were there is because Widowmaker was a closet lesbian and Tracer was struck by Smite's very own Cupid. He accidentally pricked the both of them with his arrow and he didn't bother trying to rectify anything. Besides, the world loves everything Tracer and Widowmaker.
When Widowmaker tried to run again, Tracer tackled her and a crowd gathered. Unfortunately, Ash got swarmed and she got pissed pretty fast.
"I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!" She plowed through the group like a bulldozer from Hell until she hit Bomb King, who went flying in the air right into a building with highly flammable liquid. This caused an enormous explosion and a chain reaction that created a panic. Mal'Damba tried to escape but crashed into Terminus. His axe fell on Grover who had just extended his arm to slap Buck's ass because Barik was right next to him. Buck obviously thought it was Barik and because he was a loose canon, Barik didn't hesitate to bring out his experimental flamethrower. How this correlates to Skye is pretty simple.
The cotton candy she was eating was so hot that it was also a conduit for fiery explosions. Why it was so hot is because Drogoz had been beating his juices into the mix because that's his job and everyone needs to earn a living.
"So did everyone assume we just fought all day or something?" Kinessa glared as RZM sat on his shitter since the mancave was destroyed by Widowmaker fleeing from Tracer. "Didn't anyone read the lore?"
As Buck and Barik fought, mostly of them throwing rocks at each other, Grover tried to pull his arm away but Terminus had a very heavy weapon.
"If I could fall... into the sky..." Bomb King sang as he plummeted towards Skye. What? You thought the building just killed him? "Do you think time..."
"... is ticking! Phew! This is hot!" Skye brushed sweat off her forehead.
Now Fernando was still ogling Vivian's ass while Ying inspected it up close. Of course the cunning woman wasn't paying attention; she was listening to Viktor talking about different kinds of moose meat he cooked at his restaurant.
"There's the hot one, there's the not hot one; there's also serving in raw." Viktor was very monotonous as he read off his recipes.
Jenos was riding a magical cloud (it was actually just a motorized wheelbarrow covered in cotton) and he was picking up Maeve, Lian and Evie.
"Why did you take that road? It was so bumpy!" Lian complained. He took said road because he wanted to see bouncing tiddies.
Anyway, Moji had just arrived the same time Torvald and Sha Lin did. When Zhin noticed Sha Lin, he confronted him over the fact his dog shat in Zhin's yard. By now everyone was squabbling and how Skye is responsible for setting Fernando on fire is because Bomb King didn't land on Skye but on Torvald.
"Get off me, gramps!" Sha Lin pushed them all off but Torvald was already insulted.
"Are you trying to get me angry? You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" Torvald huffed and puffed.
"Hey, Tyra," Skye greeted. Tyra was adjusting her fire bomb belt when the assassin arrived.
"You look sweaty."
"Oh, it's from the cotton candy vendor Drogoz runs."
"What? You do realize he pees on the sugar, no?"
A moment of silence for the dirty minds
"POWER OVERWHELMING!" Torvald pushed Moji towards Skye, who tried to grab Tyra but accidentally took one of her fire bombs. They landed on Fernando's helmet.
"Swiggity swooty! I'm coming for that BOOTY!" Fernando charged but tripped and realized he was on fire. The others gathered around as the giant chunk of metal flailed about and when all hope seemed lost, he jumped into the air a'la Sailor Moon before landing on the ground. "I will not fry! Not yet, amigo!"
"What's going on?" Everyone turned around to the mysterious investigator and it was Seris.
"You're late."
"I was... um... doing... things." Seris walked away in embarrassment. She was wearing a WeeabooCon t-shirt and she had a bag of over-sized Overwatch plushies, specifically Mercy and Genji.
"Behold! Champions of the Realm!" a mysterious announcer announced. He was fat, had several neck rolls complemented by raggedy stubble and really bad acne. Think Harry Potter but three times fatter, a man bun... you get the picture.
"Try and run!" Kinessa threw a doughnut two feet from the guy but he couldn't reach for it. Instead, he had a fatal heart attack.
"Aw, shit." RZM grimaced from afar. He was dressed similarly to Genji except in typical Mist Village colors and he had the Mizukage titty-tag on his forehead protector. "Not even five minutes and it's already ruined."
"You do know you're the only one with author magic, right?" said a very familiar girly looking ninja dressed in a pink kimono.
"Shut up, Haku. And why are you wearing that damn dress again?"
"You bought it!" RZM glared at his apprentice for a moment. And if any of you sickos think that was a glare that would lead to something yaoi, well, I got bad news for you.
Haku likes Sakura.
... 's grandma.
"FUCK YOU!" Haku shouted at the sky.
"You're going to abandon this story, too, aren't you?" Kinessa stealthily teleported next to the duo.
Meanwhile... while our heroes are amid chaos...
"Look! A portal!" Ying gasped.
"Look, a portal," Evie said mockingly. Fortunately for Ying, she thought Evie was flattering her.
"What are we supposed to do?" Maeve tapped her chin curiously. Grohk threw Zhin's sandwich threw the portal.
"MY MANWICH!" Zhin cried.
"I don't like the looks of this..." Lian whispered to Vivian.
While everyone had mixtures of anxiety and curiosity, Ash stood on the platform, planting her boot on the dead fat guy. She smirked and fired a volley from her canon, accidentally knocking out the actual Mercy who was on a zeppelin date with Genji except Mercy was in a tuxedo and Genji was blushing in a red dress. RZM was running away from rabid fangirls who assumed he was the real Genji and Haku was busy checking out Makoa's mom because she's got it going on.
"I won't stand around for this! Whatever lies ahead, let's do it!" Ash shouted, earning cheers from most of the Champions and jeers from Robin Hood, Man in Tights. She shot his head off.
"What are we supposed to be doing?" Seris inquired, stuffing her backpack full of weeaboo paraphernalia. Tyra shrugged.
"I agree with the courageous man!" Fernando roared.
"Did that punk just call me a man? Come on, then! Let's fight!" Ash started to charge for him but Willow pulled on Ash's flag, restraining her.
"COME ON, AMIGOS! ONWARD TO GLORY!" It has begun. Fernando ran towards the light. One by one, the Champions followed suit, dropping many things including a BBQ kebab and several questionable items they packed in case it was another one of those random road trips.
"Well, it can't be any worse than lingering here for nothing." Kinessa started making her way towards the portal. Because she was the last one to enter, when she phased through, she noticed all of the Champions gawking at their surroundings. Before she could ask, she took note of her environment. "What the..."
"Where are we?" Strix inspected the ground.
"This appears to be some sort of cosmic insert scientific word here because I've been technically dead for eons," Jenos answered.
"What do your orbs tell us, Seris?" Skye asked. Fernando snapped back to reality because he assumed Skye was asking about boobies.
"The orbs know... nothing." Seris was shaking her magic 8 ball. It told her, "Go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger."
"Well, that was dramatic." Kinessa scoffed.
"Bro, look at that," Lex pointed out. When everyone finally realized what they were in, they all gasped synchronously.
"Are we in a... multiverse?" Mal'Damba touched one of the floating bubbles and it popped. Many screams of anguish and despair echoed before disappearing.
"Don't do that, brother," called a voice similar to Buck's. When everyone turned around, they assumed it was Buck but Buck was standing next to the Buck lookalike. "My name is Buck, brother, and we're here to warn you."
"Get out of my personal space!" Buck wept because the other Buck stepped on his foot.
"Who the hell are you guys?" Maeve demanded.
"I'm you, but better!" Maeve met a reply with another Maeve. The only difference? She had some sort of techno garb on.
"So what's going on?" Kinessa asked.
"Your world is in danger. If you want to save it, you have to fight," said the other Kinessa but with a slight British accent.
"Fight who?" Androxus approached but another Androxus intercepted.
"Fight us, amigo," replied Mexican Androxus. One by one, other Champions started approaching until they all met their duplicates. They all had different costumes and different accents.
"Well, this is an insult to all the mamacitas who pooped you out!" Fernando shouted. He got into a battle stance.
"Someone needs to educate 'Nando before we die," Sha Lin whispered to Inara.
"Ya' know who ya' messin' with?" Vivian from the other team approached, aiming her rifle at the other Vivian.
"I hate to get my hands dirty, but you've left me no choice," Vivian responded, replicating the opposing Vivian's actions.
"I am so confused at what's going on but I promise not to flee!" Ying told her allies.
"Well, then!" Fernando started to approach the other Fernando. "Let's who is stronger! And sexier!"
"I couldn't agree more!" The other Fernando raised his shield and charged. Their Fernando sounded American.
"I WILL NOT DIE! NOT YET, AMIGO/FRIEND!" cried the Fernandos as the onslaught begun.
It has begun...
"You said that already."
"Shut up, Haku."
To be continued... hopefully... maybe...
AN: It was originally supposed to be a buddy cop type of parody featuring Fernando and Grohk as the main protagonists reminiscent to Police Academy and the Lethal Weapon series but I recently started rereading Crisis on Infinite Earths by DC Comics and was inspired to parody that instead. So yes, Overwatch characters will have some pseudo existence here but mostly as cameos.