Disclaimer- I don't own anybody. I might continue this, depends on if anyone even likes this. It's been awhile since I've written any fanfiction and I don't have anyone to beta test for me. Let me know what you think. Feedback is absolutely welcome.
Anyhoo, this takes place after Season 10, I don't know how they are going to handle Season 11, so I hope I didn't go too far outside of cannon.
Some minor updates to fix some errors I've spotted.
Dean lay on his bed staring at the ceiling throwing a baseball in the air and catching it just before it struck his forehead replaying the events of the last year in his mind. It had been an absolute nightmare. The mark, the burning itching searing pain deep in his arm, fighting the urges to feel blood trickling down his hands. It took everything in him to not kill his brother, and Castiel.
Toss, wait, catch. Castiel was his best friend, and he had beaten the crap out of him when he was trying to help him. Cas had told him that they were even now after saving him from the attack dog spell. He'd said that they were even after beating the crap out of each other. Once at the hands of Castiel during Namoi's brainwashing. Once at the hands of Dean in a rage during the mark's influence after he single handedly killed all of the Steins. He said they were even in the immense guilt they both felt after everything that had come between them, but that make him feel any better.
He still saw the other man's face dejected and covered in blood every time he looked in the mirror. He'd told him he couldn't bear to be the one to watch him murder the world, and that might have been the only thing that saved Sam's life the day Death called for him. He blamed himself for the sheer rage Castiel had endured with the Attack Dog Spell. It had almost destroyed him, and it would have, if he had been human, if he hadn't gotten the last shreds of his Grace back. If he hadn't, he would have been destroyed in a matter of minutes, not the weeks it took them to cure him.
Toss, wait, catch. He'd vowed to himself never to hurt the man again, and he would do anything in his power to make sure that he never did in any way. Part of him thought on some horrible level, that the only reason Castiel was able to be influenced with the spell was because of him. It was his fault he had been human and gained emotion. It was his fault that he had beaten the man bad enough to choke on his own blood.
In the long run he knew everything was his fault. He'd never wanted to hurt the man, and he was sure that simple fact had somehow held him back from the point of no return more than once in the past. He didn't kill his own brother when Death wanted him to was not because he couldn't bear the thought of killing Sam, but because of how it would have let Castiel down again by succumbing to the mark.
He'd begged him not to give in, and the words still stung as they played in his mind. "Dean stop." He replayed the memories of pulling the Angel blade away from his friend's hand, out from his sleeve as he lay choking on his own blood trying to defend himself against him. "No. Dean. Please." he had begged weakly, the words echoed in his mind. The same words he heard his friend call as he grabbed his hand begging him not to kill him. That single request had been possibly the most horrifying thing he had ever heard in his life. He might have ended his life had it not been for that plea. He might have ended Sam or the world if it hadn't been for that plea.
Toss, wait, catch. The mark had tried to make him kill Cas that day, but he couldn't let it, the Angel just meant too much to him, and just at the last second he was able to push the Angel blade far enough to the side that he missed. He knew what happened, but played it off as a menacing threat."You and Sam stay the hell away from me. Next time I won't miss." He wasn't sure he would have the strength not to kill him again at the time so he left.
The mark was gone now, but he still couldn't get over feeling like they had screwed up more than they could fix this time. Now with the darkness released, the whole can of worms he had been trying to bar shut had been opened and they had no idea what the ramifications were and had yet to find out.
Toss, wait, catch. Hearing a knock at the door as it was pushed open, he pulled himself out of his angst as he became aware of the presence at the entrance of his new bedroom. "What's up Cas?" Speak of the Devil. Er- Angel. That sure was a friggin stupid expression he thought to himself.
"Dean I wish to talk. " Castiel replied with that unreadable confused-eager-scared- hopefully-hurt-inspired-overwhelmed look he was always wearing, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the next as he attempted to pull him into conversation, stupid trench coat hanging from his shoulders as awkwardly as ever. Dean made a fist around the baseball and swallowed as his friend stepped gingerly into the room and his heart jumped into his chest.
"Well I kinda figured that when you came in here. " Dean lifted his head sat up, turning his legs to rest his feet on the floor as he sat on the side of the bed. He patted the bed next to him, motioning for Cas to sit down next to him silently.
Dean watched as Castiel took a breath, struggling with himself as he hesitated before sitting down next to him stiffly on the edge of the bed. Seeing the momentary internal struggle as he fought to decide whether or not to sit or not, Dean hated himself, convinced that Cas was afraid of him, had every right to be after this last year and it was all his own fault for being a total dumbass.
"Dean I believe I am in need of some assistance." Cas managed he folded his hands in his lap as he spoke. Dean took a breath and set the baseball on the night stand. He had expected this was coming honestly.
"Anything Cas. Sam and I are always willing to do anything for you. You're family man." Cas grimaced slightly at that statement. So, Dean thought to himself, apparently Cas didn't want to have a former demon as family. It hurt, it wasn't exactly unexpected, or undeserved, but it still hurt.
"You do not understand. I am in need of your assistance. Sam would have no part in this." Castiel stared at a spot in the floor as his hands gripped the edge of the bed and he shook his head slightly and swallowed. " I had purposely waited until Sam was gone to speak with you about this."
"Uh. OK. Sam's out at some French subtitled movie or whatever, so it's just you and me... So talk." Dean stammered, confused. He was expecting this to be the part where he got his ass handed to him on a platter or something, but Castiel's behavior didn't seem to elude to that. Normally if Cas needed help with something, it was usually a big enough task, and we're talking literally biblical, that Sam's assistance would be needed, possibly others as well. Still though, he owed the man big time after what he did, and he would do anything to help his friend. Assuming the other man thought of him as such still.
Cas looked up from the spot on the floor "I have some of my grace back. It's not its former glory, only small shreds of it remain, the rest destroyed in when the doors of heaven were closed, but it's mine, and it's holding." Cas looked into Dean's eyes with a small smile for a moment then looked away again, back to that same spot on the floor. It had been a while since Dean had seen the other man smile, and it occurred to him how much he had missed it.
"Though it makes me happy, I still feel like much of it is missing, and I believe I may be able to strengthen it. To rebuild it if you will. I know what I need in order to help it recover, but it's not something that I can do alone, nor will it be a quick solution." Dean watched as Castiel fidgeted on the bed, seeming to be fighting with himself on something, smile gone as quickly as it had arrived. He truly wanted to help his friend and he would honestly give anything to help keep a smile on his face, but he couldn't help but be a little nervous wondering what he was getting himself into.
The hell with it he thought. He'd promised himself, and he wasn't going to break it. Besides he could never say no to those sad blue eyes always lost in the chaos of his new human emotion. "I said I'd do anything Cas, and I meant it. Just tell me what to do. I'm sure that we can find it man."
"Dean, I-" Cas shook his head. "It's not a matter of locating the remains. It's gone, and the only option remaining is to rebuild what is remaining of it. Normally when an angel has their grace battered and torn to this level of extreme, they can replenish themselves by basking in God's glory. Unfortunately, no one has seen him in about two thousand years, so that one is not an option." Cas sighed and looked up at the celing. "Dean I don't know if this will work or not but it is the only thing I can think of."
"Cas?" Dean asked, growing nervous about where this was going.
"Dean I want you to know that if you say no, that is ok." Cas glanced quickly at Dean with a weak smile for reassurance. It didn't work.
"Cas I already said I'd help you dammit, just tell me what it is you need me to do!" Dean blurted as Cas looked away, back to that same spot on the damn floor again. That must have been one hell of a spot on the floor to hold Cas's attention like that Dean mused to himself.
"I need love."
Dean coughed. "Like April?" This was not exactly what he was anticipating.
"No. Dean. April tricked me, took advantage of me, and then literally killed me. There was nothing in that that resembled love." He spat angrily. "Truth be told, I only went along with anything she suggested that day because I wanted to impress you. I didn't have the heart to tell you that I only really made it to third base. I believe that is the correct term for oral sex, am I right?"
"Uh- Yeah dude." He rubbed his head in discomfort. This was not exactly where he was expecting the topic to go. "Sorry, I didn't know that you were that upset about it. I mean you came bragging to me afterward, even after you died. I guess I just thought you were ok with what happened." He paused with a sigh before continuing. "Really you did that to try to impress me?" Shit, yet another way he hurt Cas, and he hadn't even had any idea.
"I greatly value your opinion. I always have wanted to impress you and I likely always will. Though I regret what transpired, nor would I do it again, I am ok." Dean studied the Angel's face, surprised to see no anger, simply, slightly hopeful.
"Oh... " Maybe he hadn't hurt him that much with the whole April thing, or maybe he was just over it. "What about Hannah though? Or someone like Meg? Or another angel, I mean I know a lot of the other angels seem to get their kink on, don't you think that would work? Massive angel orgy or something?"
"The type of love I require is not of just the physical sense, the type of love I'm talking about is emotional love found when two are devoted completely to each other. Physical intimacy would however amplify the process just like it does when humans are intimate with eachother. " Ok. This wasn't awkward at all. How the hell was he supposed to find him love. Who did he think he was, a cupid? Why couldn't he ask an actual cupid for this?
He kicked himself mentally. Literally two minutes ago he goes and promises himself he'll help Cas with anything he needs, and he goes and backpedals before he can even try. Hell, it wasn't like he hadn't had these exact thoughts before on his own. Crap this was nerve-wracking. Just play it off. Yeah, that's what he would do, just play it off. "Don't worry man. We'll find you someone." He said with a pat on the man's back jerking away abruptly when he realized his fingers lingered just a little too long. "I can install a dating app on your phone and I'm sure you'll find someone."
"I don't need just someone. I need a very specific person. That's why Sam can't be involved. I need someone I can give myself to fully and completely, and have the same in return. I believe that will be the only way to fully regenerate my grace." Cas swallowed and looked uncomfortably up at the ceiling as if it held some magical answer.
"I'm not explaining this correctly. When love is shared between humans, parts of their souls are shared with each other." Seriously? Was Cas giving him the sex talk? Was this actually happening right now? He was getting the sex talk from Cas of all people right now wasn't he? "Touching a human's soul can charge an Angel's grace, but my grace is weak enough that I can't even reach in, no matter how gingerly. It would have to be given freely with consent and love."
"Like I said, we'll find you someone." He patted the man on the shoulder as reassuringly as he could muster, unable to determine who he was trying to reassure anymore.
"I already have someone in mind."
"Yeah? Who's that? Hannah? Need help charming her non-corporeal self up in heaven?" Dean smiled, wondering if he could play Cyrano de Bergerac for an Angel up in heaven. Didn't know but he's sure as hell try. Wait, could you do something 'sure as hell' when it involved Heaven and Angels?
"No, Dean." Cas shook his head frustration creeping onto his face, pulling him out of his momentary musing.
"Dude, who is it? If you don't want to tell me who it is then why did you ask me for help in the first place?" Dean snapped, not exactly sure why he was starting to feel so anxious with this conversation.
Cas looked back up at Dean again with a sad smile. "It's you. Dean, I love you."
And there it was, he had known and seen this coming, hell even wanted on some level. But he wasn't ready to admit it, and here he was just foisting it upon him as if it were just the most casual thing in the world, ok not really the man was kind of tightly wound. Maybe this was just a tragic mistranslation from Enochian to English or something. Maybe he was just misunderstanding what Cas was saying, that happened sometimes with the Angel. He didn't seem to quite understand human interactions. Yeah. That sounded good, had to be what it was.
"Same here Cas. Cas you're family. Come on let's go get something to eat. We'll get cheeseburgers and talk about how we can find you a nice good chick to fall in love with. Sound good?"
Dean stood up to walk out, hoping to leave this part of the talk behind before it got even more awkward. He knew he would do anything to make things up to the man, and he wasn't so sure he would want to say no to Castiel if he pushed this one. Just as soon as he had stood up, a hand was around his shoulder, same place where the print from Castiel's own hand used to be and a chill ran through him. Looking back, blue pleading eyes still staring at him longingly as he stood. "That's not what I meant. I mean I love you. I have since I first saw you years ago, since that time your dad almost got you killed on a hunt when you were nineteen. That's why I pushed Jimmy so hard to be my vessel when you went to Hell."
His heart was immediately racing, this was definitely not a mistranslation. The awkward angel who had saved his life more times than he could count, went there, and it terrified him to no end. "I got that. I did actually. It's just, I'm not gay, like you know that right? I'm not gay Cas. I mean I'm flattered, but I'm not gay."
"Dean-" Dean pulled away from his hand and cut off whatever he was going to say.
"Shut up Cas! Just stop it! I'm not gay." Dean stepped toward the wall and pounded it with his fist, knowing he was trying to convince himself more so than the other man. He wasn't sure he believed what he was telling himself anymore honestly.
"I- I should go." Castiel stood and took a few steps to the door next to where Dean now rested his back against the wall. Dean ran his hands through his hair as he took a step away from the wall, turning back to his friend as he bore his soul to him. "I'm sorry Dean. I understand how awkward I have made things, I hope we can still be friends." Instantly he regretted what he said as he turned back and saw a tear streak down the Angel's cheek.
He'd hurt him and he'd sworn he wouldn't. Fuck.
Watching as his friend turn and step out of the door, he grappled with what all of this meant, the pounding in his chest, the ache he suddenly felt in his throat seeing the hurt on Castiel's face. He had promised he would do what he could for the man, but the implication with what he felt right now scared the crap out of him.
Suddenly nauseous, he watched as Cas took a step back into the room, tears streaming down his cheek. The sight nearly broke his heart right then and there. Screw it. It was the 21st century. The Angel said himself that God had no issues with homosexuality. What was he afraid of? Rejection? From who? His parents were already dead, and Sammy might make fun of him, but he wouldn't reject him, not for this. Who the hell else mattered but Cas? All he knew is he sure as hell couldn't cause him any more pain. Even if it meant- this.
"Cas wait." Dean stepped out the door toward Castiel and pulled him into a hug. "Please don't - don't cry man. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just- scared."
"I'm sorry. Dean I shouldn't have-" He felt the man in his arms sob. "I know you prefer women, I just-"
"Seriously Cas shut up." Dean pulled him tighter, as if he were going to run away if he didn't, and maybe that was something that scared him too. "Crap. Dammit man. Why'd you have to go and do this?" Dean wondered aloud, more to himself than Castiel. Heart pounding in his chest.
"Dean?" Castiel asked as he wrapped his arms tentatively around Dean's back and pressing his head deeper into his shoulder.
Dean held on tight for a long moment. He felt the other man's heat against his body and drank it in. Flashes of the other man undressed pressed against his body went through his mind for a moment, as they had many other times before.
"Dean, if I had known this was going to cause you this much distress, I would not have said anything. I truly am sorry for causing you this anxiety."
"Don't be." Dean pulled away ever so slightly from Castiel and wiped at the tears on his cheek with his thumb as he looked down at the shorter man.
Castiel gave Dean a Quizzical look. "I do not understand."
"Cas. I feel the same dammit. I have for a while now, I guess the whole stigma of it just got stuck in my head. I dunno man. I still think chicks are hot, I just- I dunno. I'm not, not gay? I just- I feel the same. I guess. Is this making any sense at all?" Dean felt Castiel's own hand wipe away a tear of his own and he hadn't even known he was crying, lips itching to press into the other man's.
"Yes Dean, I believe I do. You are bisexual." Though hearing the words told to him felt embarrassing on some primal level, and he had just said it so matter-of-factly. He couldn't argue him.
"Cas. I've never done this with a man before." Dean pulled himself away slightly as he swallowed a lump in his throat. Hearing it made it real, and that shit was terrifying.
"Neither have I" Castiel offered, innocently smiling as he pulled Dean's head in and briefly touched his lips to the other man's. Stubble rubbing against his own, yanking himself back out of reflex as if he had been burned. Diving back in as quickly as he had pulled away, mouths crashing into each other, too much teeth pressing into his skin, yet craving more. Tongues gliding together as they stumbled back deeper into his room.
Deans hands went to the buttons of the shirt on the chest in front of him, pulling them apart quickly as he ran his hands over the smooth fabric. Castiel tugged, pulling desperately at the bottom of his t-shirt. Lips separating only just long enough for Cas to pull it over his head and toss the offending clothing on the floor. They fell backward into the bed, lips instantly re-joining the moment the back of Castiel's head met the pillow at the top of the bed as he climbed on top of him.
Hands pulling at his head and chest, then moving down to his waist. He touched and caressed the smooth skin on the chest below him, not quite as defined as his own, but muscles still toned and hard. Castiel let out a deep moan as Dean's thigh rubbed against his hardness through their pants. The sound went straight to Dean's groin, his jeans now so tight they hurt. He rubbed his hip against him again and Castiel responded by desperately ripping at his belt and unzipped his jeans tugging his underwear along with. Getting stuck at his knees, Dean rolled off to finish the work his partner had started, he kicked them off the edge of the bed.
He turned back as Castiel rid himself of his slacks, underwear following as the Angel lifted his hips to pull them down past his hips. Dean had an epiphany as he looked into the other man's eyes. Often emotionally hard to read, he had misinterpreted what he saw often. This look, this exact look, often confused for anger or frustration, was longing. For him. Christ he was a moron.
Wondering for the briefest of moments just what he was doing here, how this had escalating this quickly. He watched the other man struggle with untangling his slacks from his shoes, having forgot a step of undressing. Deciding quickly that he really didn't care about any of it as long as he never hurt Cas. It meant facing something he never thought he would ever have to deal with, but as long as he had Cas, everything would be fine. He dove in to rescue the awkward Angel from his shoes, tossing them over the edge of the bed in a pile with his own jeans. Of all of the things he's had to save the man from, shoes was not on the list until now he mused to himself with a chuckle. He stopped and looked back up at the other man, taking in the body now laying beside him.
Losing himself in the lines of the Angel's body as he leaned in caressing his stomach. As he crawled back onto the bed on top of the Angel, he reveled in the size of the man's penis, not quite as long as his own, but just a little thicker. The random though of how nicely the other man's cock would do being pushed out of his head just as quickly as it had entered. All thought but desire pushed out of his mind as they kissed once more, only pulling away just long enough for breath as their bodies entwined. He shuddered when he felt a finger circle around the tattoo on his chest, designed to keep the demons out, yet here it was letting an Angel in.
Gasping and groaning as their erections touched, ground together, Castiel was the first to break the silent spell. "Dean. I believe this will call for lubrication." He inhaled sharply realizing Cas wanted that, not just touching or whatever the hell he thought this was going to be. I mean they were naked and all, what did he think was going to happen, but that still came as a bit of a shock.
"Cas, you sure you want to go that far this fast?" Dean asked, looking into the blue eyes below him, now less terrified of what was happening, but more unsure. Peering back with abandon, lust and sheer innocence, the other man didn't even realize how dirty and hot he looked like that, and he was the one to make him look like that. His cock throbbed.
"Yes Dean." Cas replied with a simple nod with his too pure features laced with desire. It was obvious though really, now that he thought about it. Clearly that is what Cas wanted, Dean thought.
His brain shut off all higher thought at that. "Yeah. OK." Was all he could grunt in reply as he reached up to the night stand, knocking the baseball off the corner as he roughly pulled the drawer open and withdrawing a tube of clear gel.
Lips meeting again briefly when he returned, only to pull away to tug at the other man's shoulders to turn him over onto his stomach.
"Dean- no-I" Castiel called, almost alarmed and he stopped immediately, heart nearly jumping through his stomach.
"I want to see your face when we make love. Please." Ok, so he really needed to stop second guess himself, these little heart attacks were getting old. Or maybe he liked them, he couldn't tell the difference right now. He could only nod as he reached down to guide the other man's legs apart and settled on his knees between them. Reaching forward to ready the dark haired man below him, he grasped his erection and tugged slightly, receiving another low moan in reply.
With nothing more than a touch of his fingers, a squeeze against his palm, he watched his friend writhe beneath his efforts and he felt himself twitch in response. Stopping only long enough to open the cap on the tube and squeeze some of the contents onto his fingers. Slowly rubbing the slippery fluid against the length in his hand, eliciting a gasp from Castiel in response at the cold touch, slowly turning into a low rumbling groan as the liquid warmed between his hand and the flesh in his grasp. He stroked him several more times, twisting his fist just slightly at the tip the way he did on himself, aching for friction of his own.
"Dean. Please don't make me beg." He glanced up from watching his hand rub the other man's erection back up to the other man's face, eyes shut and lips open just slightly panting, hands fisted in the wrinkled blanket below them both.
"Cas you sure about this?" Partly wanting a reason to not do this to himself, to give into the urges he's lied to himself about his whole life. Mostly desperately needing this not to stop.
"Yes." Castiel's eyes met his with his answer and spread his legs wider to accommodate Dean as he reached down, gently circling the Angel's entrance with his middle finger.
"Cas, if this is too uncomfortable or whatever, just tell me ok?" This was basically the same as all of the other things he'd done in the past before right, I mean this was basically the same concept as doing this with a girl right? Dean kissed the man and began circling the hole with his finger.
"Okay." Castiel confirmed, blue eyes meeting green as Dean's finger began to sink inside his body. He heard a small grunt from the other man as he felt the tight ring give way, sinking in as deep as it would go, Cas grunting and jumping when he hit his prostate.
Dean rubbed his fingers over the spot again, smirking as he ground their lips together, Castiel groaning into his mouth. "You like that?" he asked as he pressed harder on the spot that caused him to writhe.
"Yes. That is very pleasurable." He panted between slightly open lips. The look on the man's face, wanton with pleasure, shattered any doubts he had about what he wanted.
"Good." Dean laughed and then dove in for another kiss. Leave it to Cas to figure out how to form words like 'pleasurable' right now. Sinking another finger inside the man below him, pressing and scissoring, stretching him out as much as he could. Moaning and panting below him, Dean watched as Castiel's erection twitched with every press to his prostate.
Running out of lube, not wanting to hurt his lover, Dean pulled away to reapply, squeezing more onto his fingers. Seriously he was thinking of him as a lover now? What the hell was this a romance chick flick? He thought over it for a moment and decided he didn't care. Once his fingers were sufficiently lubricated again, he inserted his two fingers again, then three, grinding against the spot that was making Castiel writhe below him.
"Dean- Please" Castiel moaned. "I want you inside me." Dean kissed him once more, then leaned back on his heels as he spread what he thought would be sufficient lubrication on himself. Carefully he placed himself at his entrance and slowly pressed in, pressure building around him as he pushed through the tight ring of muscle. Grunting and moaning, Dean placed a hand on Castiel's hip to steady himself and inched himself in until he was deeply imbedded in the other man's body.
Castiel wrapped an arm around his back gripped him tightly in more ways than one, as he tentatively thrust into his body. He'd had his fair share of bedroom experiences in the past. He'd fucked hard and fast a lot. He'd screwed slowly and deliberately a few times. He'd even had cold and detached, empty hearted animalistic rutting when his soul felt drained more often than any human should have a right. Yet even with Lisa when things were good he hadn't felt this much connection, this much, love.
Leaning forward on his left arm, his hand shook with desire as he moved his hand from Castiel's hip to stroke wrap his fingers around the man below him. With a gasp, a familiar warmth grew on his arm as Castiel's other hand caressed his shoulder where he had gripped him tightly and raised him from perdition so many years before. The scar long since faded after he'd been healed when Sam fell into Lucifer's cage it occurred to him that he'd missed the constant warmth he had felt with it's presence these last several years and found comfort in it's return, even if temporary. Hips gently rocking back and forth, grinding and gently thrusting rather than pounding inside of his partner as he was so used to.
Castiel suddenly breaking his mouth away from his to pant a plea between groans. "Right there please. Please, whatever it is that you are doing, please, please keep doing it."
"Dude, stop saying please." Dean complained as he felt the man's body twitch beneath him, thrusting into his hand as he ground himself inside his body. Pace quickening as he thrust into the Angel below him, he knew he wouldn't last long at this rate, but he didn't really care. He knew that Castiel was close as well by how he was trembling, and he wanted to make sure that he finished first.
"Kiss me. I need you to kiss me." Castiel begged breathlessly before Dean crushed his lips back down into the other man's mouth with a satisfied smirk, tongues sliding together, gripping the Angel's lower lip with his teeth momentarily before releasing and diving back to idolize the man with his actions. Loving the way he squirmed below him, learning just what drove him crazy, aching to please him as much as he was pleased at the moment. This was definitely something he could get used to.
"Dean!" Cas cried into Dean's mouth as warm sticky semen painted their stomachs, lips still pressed together as his thrusting doubled inside the man's body, cries of elation pouring from the man's mouth.
Grinding himself into the man with a new desperation to reach the same climax. Castiel's reactions growing more and more distressed with the sudden sensitivity of having came, he moved his hand from Castiel's slowly fading erection to alleviate the discomfort, back to his hip as he steadied himself as he thrust himself with a new determination. "Cas!" Finally crying out with his ecstasy as he filled him with his own semen as he came.
"Was that OK? Are you OK?" Dean drunkenly asked as he kissed apologies on Castiel's cheek, knowing full well that he was worrying unnecessarily, yet unable to stop. Needing some kind of affirmation that he was still his friend, that things hadn't gone too far, that he still ok, that he wasn't going to just be alone to hate himself, that-
"Yes I am." Castiel turned his head and met their lips for the seven-hundredth and forty-second time in the last twenty minutes, not that he was counting. His train of thought pulled back from his spiral of despair.
"Good, I didn't want to hurt you by, um, fucking you." He chuckled when he said it, still unsure of himself, of this.
Castiel's fingers ran across his cheek tenderly. "That was not just fucking Dean. You gave me the energy of your soul, and that contact was beautiful. I thought I loved you before, but after this." He paused to stare into his eyes again. He was beginning to feel like the man could see into his damn soul every time he did that, as he felt his hand pulled up as the other man's lips brushed the backs of his knuckles. "I don't think there are words in the English language to describe how I feel about you. The burning longing that I felt for you before has combusted with the strength of a thousand suns and I do not know how I can stand it."
He couldn't stand it, that worried him terribly. Crap he was such a girl right now it was gross."Cas. Don't you dare panic and teleport yourself away on me again." Genuinely unable to bear the thought of being alone after what they just did, what he just did to another man, he felt the creeping tendrils of terror begin to wrap their way around him.
And just like that Cas batted them away with laugh and a kiss. "You have nothing to worry about. My wings still have not mended fully. Besides, I would feel incredible displeasure if I separated myself from you right now." Ok so he wasn't the only one girling out right now. Yeah. Girling. That was a word now, dammit. "Other than to clean myself up that is, my stomach is rather sticky." Castiel continued with a gesture to the puddle of goo on his stomach.
"Yeah, that's not the only thing." Dean smirked as he pointed down further to Cas's rear before motioning to the box of tissues on the night stand on the opposite side of the bed.
Castiel rolled over reach over to the tissues keeping contact the whole time, unable to he sighed and extracted himself from Dean's limbs to climb off the bed and reach the elusive tissues. "So what do you think of hitting a home run?" Dean asked as he watched Castiel pull out a very large handful of tissues from the box, chuckling when the man frowned as the tissues kept coming out.
"I liked it very much. Although I have to ask, is this a normal reaction for one's legs feel this weak, this very shaky and unsteady after intercourse." Dean stood to help him with the box of tissues, holding the box steady as Cas finally pulled the now excessive wad of tissues free.
"Yeah. That happens sometimes." It really was damn cute how awkward he could be sometimes he thought as he took half of the handful from him and wiped himself down.
"I see." he watched as the other man struggled to remove the sticky fluid and he reached over to help.
Finishing cleaning the offending spots on his abdomen, he reached around behind Castiel's body and wiped as much of the lube from his rear as he could while standing.
"Cas?"
"Yes Dean?" Dean was acutely aware of how Castiel was watching his actions right now, and was embarrassed about what he wanted to ask. He breathed and asked anyway.
"Will you stay the night with me? I don't know if I can be alone after - It's kind of a big deal. You know, what we just did." He could kick himself for how shy he suddenly felt. He hadn't felt like this since he was a teenager his first time with a girl. It was sort of the same concept as it was also a first for him, it occurred to him somewhere in the back of his mind, but still he felt foolish for how he felt.
"Of course." And he inhaled. God had he forgotten to breathe? He kissed Cas and pulled him back to the bed, tossing aside the covers before climbing in. The other man followed and slid right into his arms as he pulled the covers back over them. They fidgeted for a few moments to find a comfortable position, settling only when Castiel slipped slightly lower using Dean's arm as a pillow.
"So, do you think that helped any? You know with the grace thing?" Dean asked as he rubbed the small of the other man's back.
"It's small, but it has repaired some of the damage I think." He felt him kiss his chest and he smiled.
"Wait. So don't Angel's like, not feel anything when they have their full grace?" His smile instantly faded with the thought. "Isn't this kinda self-defeating here? Cas you literally just promised me you wouldn't leave me alone afterward, man, you promised!" his grip around the other man's waist tightened subconsciously trying to will him to stay. "I mean it, after what we just did- I need you. I've never actually given anyone that much of my heart before and now the thought of losing you kind of terrifies me." And now he felt a little sick again. This was getting stupid.
"Dean. I promise you I am not going to leave you even if I could." Castiel slipped his hand from Dean's hip to his back and pulled him just as tight.
"What about when you can?" He ignored the crack in his voice and the liquid magma behind his eyes that threatened to erupt.
"I promise you I will not leave you." He felt his head being tugged down slightly by his cheek and his lips met Castiel's in an honest kiss. "Once an Angel becomes aware of human emotions, it doesn't just go away. We are shielded from them in heaven, but once exposed, it's permanent. Rebuilding my grace will not change who I have become. Besides this new bond we have shared makes me feel the same about you honestly, so please promise me the same thing?" Castiel's thumb brushed over his eye, wiping away the offending liquid that had forced its way out against his will.
"Yeah." He choked on his words trying to keep a sob form escaping. This was disgusting and he didn't know how to stop from being such a emotional little school girl right now.
Castiel snuggled up against him, head next to his chest. "Your heart is racing."
"Shut up Cas."