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I first suggested this to a friend, Ana, who has a Bartimaeus fansite. She's doing one of her own there, but I decided to join in on the fun and try my own.

Dear Bartimaeus

Letters by Bartimaeus, edited by Kitty Jones

January, 2007

Dear Potential Audience1,

I am going to make it very clear, to start out with, that I have not decided in any way, shape, or form that I enjoy conversing with humans. If I did, I would probably be out in the street dancing around in John Mandrake's bones, but that isn't going to happen! Because I am still a djinni, the most interesting, intelligent, and useful class of spirit, and I have better things to do than listening to the tawdry problems of some insignificant little speck who's going to die within half a century anyhow!2

However, I, Bartimaeus, in my infinite greatness and mercy, see that sometimes mortals need great advice.3 So to prove to the world that, even with my great power, I can extend a kind hand, I have agreed to start this "advice column."4 I know you must feel very honored that such a noble entity is condescending to speak with mere insects such as yourselves, but I invite you to be open and free in adressing me with your problems…

Sincerely,

Bartimaeus of Uruk, Necho of Jerusalem, Sakhr al-Jinn of al-Arish, N'gorso the Mighty, Serpent of the Silver Plumes, Wakonda of the Algonquin, Rekhyt of Alexandria, who has built the walls of Uruk, Karnak, and Prague; who has spoken with Solomon, Hiawatha, Ptolemy; who watched over old Zimbabwe; who has assisted in the construction of such wonders of architecture as the pyramids at Giza and the Parthenon of Athens; who has defeated such powerful entities as Nouda, Ramuthra, Faquarl, and Tchue; whose exploits are too many and numerous to be addressed in one signature.

1. Because, let's face it, you're probably too intimidated to read the rest of the letter, lest you be blinded by my brilliance. That is, if you can read at all. Because if you can't….well, my continuing is rather pointless, isn't it?

2. There are, of course, one or two exceptions to this rule, but I don't want to get into that right now. Besides, you're not one of them. Unless your aura is glowing with the energies of the Other Place and I just handed this rough draft to you so you can make sure I didn't say anything exceptionally rude before you let me send it in to the newspaper, that is…

3. And who can blame them—what have they got for brains anyhow?

4. And besides, that Kitty says it will be good for me. Whatever that's supposed to mean.