And Things That Go "Parp, 'Aargh!!', Plooo, Crunchsplat" In The Night

Not so long ago, Hogwarts wasn't exactly what it is today. The Sorting Hat had fewer patches. The Whomping Willow was merely the Sort-Of-Condescending-Pat Willow. And Nearly-Headless Nick was fully-headed, and living in an apartment on 37 Daffodil Lane. And not so long ago, lived the Marauders, a group that would draw a permanent moustache and beard onto the face of magic.

Prologue

Professor McGonagall knew that her students did not consider her the nicest, or youngest, or most charming professor. But she felt that she was a good professor and a fair professor, and that she had done nothing in her thirty-eight years of life to merit having to deal with this sort of thing.

James Potter and Lily Evans, who were standing in front of her desk, looked guiltily at the floor. It was a wood floor. With knotholes. And dust. It wasn't a really interesting floor by any standards. (Not, reflected Lily, that there are actually standards that determine how interesting a floor is.) In unanimity, their heads turned to the ceiling. It was slightly more interesting, being a tiled pattern, but only just.

Their movement caught McGonagall's attention, and she lifted her head from her hands.

"Well?" she said, at length. "What do you have to say for yourselves? You first, Mr…Potter, I presume. Your brother has been looking for you. Is there anything that you would like to say?"

"That I didn't do it, it wasn't my fault, I'm very very sorry and I'll never do it again," quipped James, hopefully.

McGonagall sighed. "And you, young lady? Your name first, please."

"Uh, Lily Evans, ma'am. I—er—he said—but—that is—umm…" Lily fumbled, and paused.

"Out with it."

"Was I…um… actually supposed to walk… er… into the wall?"

Pause.

"Only…the blonde guy in the crooked place said that he would try, and I wasn't to… umm…" Lily trailed off, looking embarrassed.

There was another pause.

McGonagall cleared her throat. "Perhaps you had better explain to me what exactly happened."

"First off," began James, cheerfully. "We saved that entire village from a monster, then there was the bab—"

"From Ms. Evans please," interrupted McGonagall glaring.

James subsided, still grinning.

Well, alright... narrated Lily. I suppose I'd better start at the beginning. The letter that I got four weeks ago was troubling me. Y'know, bat wing, cauldrons, it was all sounded bloody stupid. Where on earth did they expect me to get things like that in London? But Grandmum read the letter and confirmed that it was perfectly legit. But… seriously! Witches and wizards!? It sounded like something out of a cheesy summer flick.

James glared at her, and Lily hurried on.

Nevertheless, Nana and I went shopping, and we stopped for a drink in the kind of seedy looking pub that children everywhere always hope their elders NEVER EVER find out about. Then, we went through this sort of… thing that was a like a hole, 'cept that it wasn't really, with this stuff that you pressed and it sorta popped, but then it fizzed instead and you were suddenly somewhere else, but it was like you weren't supposed to be…and it was… um… well, I guess you can figure out what I mean.

"Very descriptive, Lils."

"I try," said Lily, modestly.

"Continue, please, Ms. Evans."

Anyway, so we suddenly ended up in… well, in the crooked place.

"Crooked place?"

"I can't remember what it was called… sort of like crooked, winding, or…bend—oh! Diagonal!"

"You mean Diagon Alley?"

"Ah! Yes, that's it."

"Crooked place… hah!"

"Mr. Potter, please just let Ms. Evans tell the story. And Ms. Evans, please get on with it."

Right, right. So okay, we were in Diagon Alley, and I went shopping for most of the stuff. Then I met this really cute blonde guy that said he was first year here too. I can't remember his name either, but seriously—oh! Right, his name was Sirius. Ah, well, he was Siriusly cute.

"Hardee har har."

"Oh, shut up, Jamie."

So Sirius and I went shopping for the rest of the stuff while Nana sat with his mum at the ice cream place and chatted about old times. Then we met up with James here, who was Sirius' friend from magic pre-school the year before. That sounds like so much fun. I wish I could've gone to magic pre-school. But then, you can hardly take magical naps, can you? I wonder why Jamie and Sirius had to be in preschool until they were ten? You'd think they'd learn how to share and colour in the lines and stuff in the first year or so. But then it is Jamie and Sirius, so I g—

"It wasn't that kind of pre-school!!" protested James, turning red.

"Ms. Evans, quickly please."

Right, right. So then we were talking and shopping et cetera. And then James and Sirius set of a firework thing that wasn't hot, and…um… didn't need fire…? Well, whatever. We got to talking about their pranks and such and then it was James' turn to go in to be fitted for his robes. While he was in, Sirius told me about Hogwarts, and I asked how we got there. Sirius said it was nothing special, but he told me about this big prank that everyone tries to pull on the first year Muddle students.

"Muggle."

"What?"

"Not *snicker* Muddle… Muggle."

Oops. Yeah, so Sirius said that he wasn't supposed to tell me, but since he was my friend he would. He said that on the first day, we'd all go to Kings Cross station, and there would be a lot of people who would come up to me and ask if I was a first-year Muggle for Hogwarts, and if I needed a hand. Then, they'd tell me that there was this silly platform called nine and a half or something like that.

"Nine and three quarters," said James, rolling his eyes.

Lily dismissed him with an imperious wave of her hand. "It's not important what the fake number is."

"YE—"

ANYWAY, then he said that people would tell me that it was some sort of magic spell thing, and try to get me to run into a wall. He said that he didn't want me to fall for it, because every year there was some poor chap that did, and it was terribly embarrassing. Well, then we finished shopping, and it was another three weeks 'till we had to go to Hogwarts. So I spent my time with my friend Carrey, and we did all sorts of fun stuff. I remember in particular that there was the one awesome beer advert that—

"I think we can safely omit the next three weeks, Ms. Evans."

Er… okay. So then it was the big day. When I showed up at Kings Cross, it turned out Sirius was completely right. There were all sorts of people who tried to get me to run into the wall. But I said no, and stood as far away as possible, and waited for the real train. I guess it was late, because when James finally showed up at 11:15, it still wasn't there. He was all cranky, because he was late, but that didn't stop him. He tried to prank me too! But, of course, I had been forewarned, so I would not run into that bloody wall, no matter how much he tried to get me to. Then he said he would prove to me that we could go through the wall, and he…

Pause.

"If you're quite finished laughing, Ms. Evans, you could continue the story."

Another longer pause.

"Anytime, Ms. Evans."

Yet another pause, longer still.

"Really, Ms. Evans, I don't imagine it's quite that funny!"

…he ran into the wall!!! Ah, it was lovely, and satisfying. His trolley folded up, and his books went everywhere, and people started giving him really strange looks. It was beautiful. You'd think he'd know better, being a pure wizard and all.

"BUT I— " cried James, only to be interrupted by Lily.

AS I WAS SAYING, after I helped him get all his books together, he completely freaked out, and said we would be killed if we weren't here in time to be Sorted. Since his parents had already left, we… um…

"You boarded Mr. Potter's illegal broomstick and FLEW to Hogwarts!" finished McGonagall.

"Yeah," said Lily, looking down again. "I didn't realise that we weren't supposed to be on a broomstick. I thought that was the kind of thing that witches did. By the light of the full moon and such."

James smiled innocently. "I honestly just wanted to help."

McGonagall put her head in her hands again, and sighed. She was a good person! Really! It just wasn't fair.

"While I cannot fault either of you under the circumstances, since Ms. Evans clearly did not know any better, and you, Mr. Potter, were just trying to help, there will be no deduction of points for that. However, Mr. Potter, five points off your future house for possession of a broomstick by a first year, and ten points off… er, what is 'Sirius's' last name?"

Lily shrugged.

"Purple," said James, smiling sweetly.

He got a strange look from McGonagall. "Alright... er... ten points off Mr. Purple's future house for that tasteless prank."

"What prank?" asked Lily, light dawning in her eyes. She had not believed James about the barrier no matter how many times he had reiterated.

Lily was very quiet as McGongall explained.

"Professor…" she asked, softly. "How many points would I lose for my house if I killed Sirius?"

"I did not hear that, Ms. Evans."

"Ri-ight…"

"Note, however, that I did not suggest a Dreyfuserge curse, which cannot be found on page 17 of your Essential Guide to Essential Spells, Standard One by Miranda Mercer."

"Of course, Professor. Clearly you did nothing of the sort."

There was a pause.

"Er… Professor?" said James. "Will we get sorted now? The Feast is over, isn't it?"

McGonagall looked down as the paper in her hands and shuddered ever so slightly.

She said: "You'll be sorted at the next meal. But you'll be Gryffindor. Only Gryffindors would have actually done the thing with the entire village and the monster."

But she thought: "Aww, bloody bloody hell, I'm stuck with them! Why don't things like this ever happen to, say, Professor Flitwick?"

And so, despite everyone's complaints and the three hundred signatures on a recently-circulating petition, it began…