Being Vala
By
GaterGina71
There are many ways I relate to Vala. Maybe that's why I didn't like her much at first. But believe me when I tell you, I understand her. This is short and my take on what may go on in that head of hers.
Rated T-adult issues, mild swearing.
Takes place during S10, so spoilers for some of Season9 and S10.
"Daniel…" I awoke to a voice calling out for him, and realized it was mine. The dreams started a while ago, a couple months after we met. Shit, I can only imagine what he thought of me back then. Hell, I don't even like to think of it myself.
I know I won't be able to go back to sleep, so I guess coffee is in order. "Thanks Daniel, all your fault, again."
Well, there's nothing new either. I have a knack for always putting the blame on someone else. "Welcome to Vala's Pity Party." Daniel doesn't put up with it though. I think he knows me far better than I know myself sometimes. Maybe because all he's been through, but from what I hear from SG-1, he's really good at reading people.
So I walk through the halls of the SGC, it's late and there are very few people here at night. I really like it some days, other days it drives me nuts. When I am alone with myself, I can be my own worst enemy. I know he's still here working, like always, and as much as I'd love to go talk to him, I am slowly learning to back off.
"Coffee."I whisper. I check the flavors, and get regular. No one else is in the commissary, and I have no problem finding somewhere to sit. Alone. Story of my life.
I just don't get it. My life has always been about taking care of me. Well, most of the time, except when I was host to that bitch Goa'uld. Everytime I think about it, it makes me want to throw up. Not just for what I did when she invaded me, but the fact that even afterwards I took advantage of those people in so many ways.
Survival of the fittest, I guess. Hurt them before they hurt me. I used to think that way, that the universe owes me. But because of Daniel, I know that isn't true anymore.
I even married someone. Hah, me…married. Poor Tomin. I married him more for my own benefit more than anything. He is a good man. A bit misguided at the moment, but I know he loves me. But….here's the million dollar question…do I love him? In a way. But I know I'm not in love with him. Because he was misled, and I needed help, I used him. Now we are universe apart, and I don't think there is any way I can change him, or help him see what the Ori are really about. The worst part is, I don't know if I even care.
The dreams. Always about Daniel, always about him loving me in every way I want to be loved. We have sex in my dreams. "Oh boy, do we."
"Do we what?" I hear a female voice ask. Looking up from my coffee, I see that cleaning lady, and want to die from embarrassment.
"Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud." I say, barely looking at her. She shrugs, and goes on mopping.
Dreams…followed by guilt and shame. For crying out loud I'm married to someone. I let out a quiet laugh. Maybe deep down I will never change, who knows. Sometimes, I want to have them, and there are reasons why I want to. It's not even about the sex, or lust or passion. It's about a man like him, who is kind, and caring, selfless, and always giving the benefit of the doubt to people. Daniel can see people's potenial. Not to mention he is drop dead gorgeous. It's about how Daniel makes me feel in the dream. Like I'm the only person who matters to him. Like I'm worth something to someone. It makes me feel…what is it called...unconditional love…and in the dreams, the most amazing part is that a man like that could love a woman like me.
Fini