I will not make the same mistake that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
My name is Jadelynn Elizabeth West and I have a secret
Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have been divorced
When my parents divorced, my mom lost it
She used to verbally abuse me whenever and however she wanted
That is, until I was nine years old
I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
I learned the hard way to never let it get that far
She met a man
This man's name was Richard Lindberg
He was crazier than my mom herself
Soon after their chance meeting, they were married
And it seemed to me that the second me and my mom moved in with him, the abuse started
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid
Before my mom got remarried, it was only verbal abuse
She insulted me every chance she got. blaming me for the divorce
But once Richard came into our lives (or rather her life, he wanted nothing to do with me) everything changed
I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry, because I know it's weakness in your eyes
He always acted like he loved her but at the same time, he hit her
He hit me too
And after a while, she started up too
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Before, when my mom was single, I always believed she loved me
I mean, sure, she verbally attacked me, but I believed that at the same time, she always had my best interests at heart
That is, before she had Richard
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid
This nonstop abuse has been going on for almost ten years now
Now, I'm a senior at my high school, Hollywood Arts.
It's a Performing Arts school
I have friends and enemies (The enemies part I'm used to)
I also have a boyfriend, but everytime I look at him, all I see is my step-dad
I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else , you just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night for that same damn thing
My mom was and still is abused herself
She hits me bacause he hits her
She's a a very selfish human being, that's for sure
She takes out her anger and hurt on me
When she was first getting used to the concept of being an abuse victim, she would cry every night because she just wanted to find a man she could trust
And clearly, that man wasn't Richard
My friends and boyfriend wonder why I'm always so violent around them
Why I'm obsessed with scissors, horror movies, and other people's pain
What they don't realize is that the reason I am the way I am is because school is the only place where I can act tough
At home that is so not the case
I cry every night now for the same reason my mom used to:
My step-dad and his violent tendencies
Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you, I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
I just can't take it anymore!
All I want is a normal life!
Iv'e been forced to go through this since I was nine years old
Iv'e tried repeatedly to forget everything I go through and be a normal teenage girl as much as I possibly can
It's amazing to me that I allowed Beck, my boyfriend, to be in my life as much as I don't trust guys
So considering everything Iv'e ever had to deal with, Iv'e dicided to end it all
End all the pain and suffering I go through every damn day!
That's why I wrote this
So people will know once and for all why I look at life the way I do
Everyone's gonna see this, I know that.
Because I'm gonna put it in a place where I know someone will find it
I don't care who finds it as long as people know
I hope my step-dad feels really bad after this!
And I also hope that when he dies, he goes to hell and rots there!
Because of you
Because of you
Because of you
My name is Jadelynn Elizabeth West, known to my friends as Jade
And as I take these pills, I want everyone to know...that I am with God now
Forever and always,
Jade West