A/N: Inspired by the most awkward conversation I have ever had with my mother. I'm 21, she tried to give me a more awkward version of "the talk", and it was uncomfortable, to say the least. Mentions of sexual acts, but no acts take place.
It seemed like a normal enough ride home from a day of work at the garage, until Burt turned the radio down and started talking.
"Kurt-I was watching that Laura Berman show on that Oprah thingy you like so much, and I think we should talk."
"Dad," Kurt shifted uncomfortably, "first of all, it's called a television channel, and second of all, I really don't like where this is headed."
"Kurt, do you know what oral sex is?"
Kurt's mouth dropped open. He couldn't believe his dad had just outright asked him that. Dear Gaga, what was he going to say? He couldn't say yes, because that would bring up a whole bunch of questions about Blaine and his relationship, and if he said no, he risked getting a play-by-play from his dad. This was the definition of a no-win situation.
"Um…I guess I do? But only because all my friends are having sex. I would never…well….um…." Kurt had started to turn red.
Burt took a deep breath, "Do you want to know what it entails?"
"NO!" Dear Gaga, he wanted to get out his phone and text Blaine CALL ME NOW TO SAVE ME FROM THE WORST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE, but that would look bad.
"Are you sure?"
"Jesus, Dad, yes, I'm completely sure! Can you drop it?" Kurt's voice had raised about an ocrave.
"Kurt, I just want you to know that you can get diseases from things like that-I just want you to be protected, not just from diseases, but your heart."
"Dad, I know, we had this discussion. Can we please just drop this before I'm scarred for life? I really get it, I matter!"
"I just wanted you to know that I'd respect you no matter what you do with Blaine…of course, I would prefer you to remain a virgin until you're thirty, but I know-"
"Lalalala," Kurt had inserted his fingers into his ears, "I really don't want to talk about this! Please, let's not talk about this. I may throw up what little I had for lunch."
"I just wanted you to know that Dr. Berman said that you're not a virgin once you've had sexual contact. I just don't want you to throw your virginity away one night because you get caught in the 'heat of the moment'."
"Dad, I'm going to say this-you are holding me hostage in a car to talk about my romantic life. I do not like this. There are much better ways to do this."
"Blaine isn't pressuring you, is he?"
"No! Blaine and I are fine with how our relationship is going, thanks. I would also like to remind you that I am an extremely private person, and I don't like discussing things like this."
"Kurt, I just want you to have someone to talk to. My dad never talked to me about stuff like this, and I just want you to know that I'm here if you have any questions."
"Cool, dad, but again, can we just drop this now? I would like to not have to wash my ears out in the hopes it cleanses my brain."
"Okay Kurt, but I just don't want you to do anything that you're not ready for. This is your first relationship, I don't want you to do anything you'll regret."
"I appreciate your concern, but you're my dad, and this is embarrassing." Kurt had turned a deep shade of crimson. He was actually praying that if there was a god, they would let him die right then and there. This could not get any worse.
"So, are you a virgin?"
Alright, maybe it could.
"DAD! I do not want to talk about this! Can we please stop this now?" Kurt's voice was now rodent-like.
"I just want to make
sure you're protecting yourself, I am your dad, you know." Burt was getting exasperated at Kurt's refusal to talk.
"Dad, if you do not stop this soon, you will not be my father for very much longer, as I will have to strangle you and hide your body on the side of the road." Kurt's response was very snappy…that had to mean he was a virgin still, right? Burt decided to steer the topic away from virginity.
"Okay, okay. How is Blaine, by the way?"
Kurt could not believe this. Could they just stop talking about his personal life?
"Please, let's talk about football. I'll even try to get the guys names right." Kurt was grasping at straws.
"I just worry about you."
"Okay, dad, here goes, Blaine and I have not progressed to any touching below the waist. We share chaste kisses in the moonlight and read each other poetry whilst fanning each other."
"Really? That's how gay guys do it?" Burt looked very confused.
"No, and I'm not talking about my love life." Kurt sounded exasperated. Did his dad really think that that's what gay men did? Oh Gaga, was this man misguided.
"Fine! Well, we're home now. But if you ever need anything-" Burt was quickly cut off by his son, who just wanted this conversation to end.
"I'll come to you. Cool? But we never have a conversation like this again, deal? Also, you're lucky I'm wearing a cute outfit or I would have killed you."
"Deal," Burt chuckled as Kurt attempted to flee, "I guess it can be a deal."
A/N: I hoped you liked it! It was really that awkward. Moral of the story: no Dr. Laura Berman for parents when you're still in the same county as them.