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**I suggest you listen to the song while you read, it's an amazing song by an amazing band; Yellowcard - Hang You Up
Listen to the actual song and not the video Let me know what you think!**
I cannot hold this anymore
My hands are tired of only waiting to let go
And I am waiting still
I used to know which way to turn
You were the light inside a tunnel in my head
I try to follow still
I try to follow still
She was walking up the driveway heading home, her arms were tired of carrying all the boxes, she hated moving, it was such a hassle; packing, wrapping, boxing, carrying, moving, driving, moving, carrying, un-boxing, un-wrapping, un-packing, re-placing.
This time was different though, ever since she'd left she'd been moving around the country, never staying in the same place too long; but now, now she was back. She didn't know what had drawn her back to this place... well, she did, if she was honest with herself, she knew she was still waiting...
The town wasn't the same though, the streets, buildings, everything was pretty much still the same, but the feeling wasn't... and she knew she would come to regret this decision but it was something she felt she needed to do. It was strange, she used to know where to go and how to get there and now... now even though it was all technically the same, she didn't know how to go from a to b.
She knew why though... she'd lost her light, she'd lost her reason to be. That's why she was back she told herself, to find that again, to get back what she lost five years ago, to find herself.
It's hard to see you
We are older now
And when I find you, you just turn around
It had taken a week. One single week to see her. She didn't realize how much it would hurt to see the girl who'd been haunting her since she was seventeen sitting on the beach with her friends laughing. They were all older now, but still, that didn't change how gorgeous she was not one bit.
She was coming in from surfing when she saw them, actually, she saw her the moment they'd arrived, it was almost instinctual. And then she saw him. That's when she'd decided she was going home, it would be too much, and knowing where they were sitting would do nothing to try and avoid them, because her eyes were always aimed to the brunette when she was around.
She didn't want to, she knew how stupid it was, but even though her brain commanded her feet to walk back to her Jeep far away from them, they wouldn't listen. And then it happened; those mossy greens found her ocean blues. She felt her breath catch, it was as if no time had passed. In that instant she saw what she used to see, she saw all the pain and hurt and sadness along with the brunettes personal and unique blend of happiness and fear.
And then it was over, he spoke her name, she had been the only one to see her, no longer blonde, the other's hadn't recognized her. She had, and the second she turned away it had ripped her heart out once more.
This is a black and white of you I found
I hang you up and then I pull you down
I hang you up and then I pull you down
Back at the house she started to empty out the boxes she'd been neglecting all week long. They were the boxes she knew were going to be the hardest, and after seeing her, they wouldn't be easier.
She opened up the first one and set to un-wrap what she found... it took all of five items for her to get to the one she wanted to avoid. She gently un-wrapped the framed photograph she had kept all along. She told herself she only kept it because it came from a happy time.
It was a black and white solid proof of the happiness she once felt. She dragged her finger gently over the contours of her face before pushing herself up and moving around her bedroom to find a place for it.
She hammered the nail and hung it up, standing back she took in the sight; there, on her no longer bare wall, stood the picture she'd snapped with her old Polaroid back when they were seventeen, of her dancing around in the old apartment living room, completely unaware that she'd come home early from work.
She sighed as she sipped her beer before moving back to the wall and taking it down, she couldn't stand it there anymore, after today it was torture and pure teasing. With a grunted sigh she put the picture away in a drawer and decided to go for a drive.
No more apologies from me
My arms are tired of picking up what I put down
You're all I think of still
I'm gonna miss you every day
I turn my back on anyone who won't believe
And it gets lonely still
It gets lonely still
Going for a drive had been a bad idea as she'd found herself back in front of her old apartment. She was tired of making excuses, tired of trying to find reasons to defend herself, apologizing to everyone around her because her mind was always here; there.
As she stared at the door flashes of everything that had happened kept re-surfacing. What she missed most, apart from the long legged girl, was the smile she clearly remembered being permanently plastered on her face.
Every memory flooding her mind was filled with such happiness that she found it hard to believe it had died out. Staying there was getting to be too much and she spun around getting back in her car, turning her back on the past, hoping this would help move on. Hoping that seeing this would help put a closure to that part of her life.
It was getting so hard to keep on going on turning everyone down, knowing she'd end up hurting them because her past still haunted her. She was tired of hurting, tired of being alone, being alone was lonely, she was tired of being lonely.
It's hard to see you
We are older now
And when I find you, you just turn around
It had taken a week for her to run into her, and now that she had she saw her everywhere. She was trapped, everywhere she went she'd catch a glimpse of the brunette, to the point where she started wondering if she wasn't just imagining and hallucinating her.
But every time those thoughts appeared, she would catch those mossy greens looking back at her. Their gaze staying locked for no more than a few seconds before the brunette would turn around and go back to what she was doing.
This is a black and white of you I found
I hang you up and then I pull you down
I hang you up and then I pull you down
Every night she found herself back home beer in hand and in her room staring at the drawer. And when she felt ready she would open it, take the photograph out, stare at it and remember for a little while before standing up and making her way over to the permanent nail.
She would hang it up, step back and stare, thinking, hoping, that maybe, just maybe, if she waited long enough, that she would hear the front door open and that these last five years had all been a nightmare, that within a few minutes of the imaginary door opening, she would feel those long arms wrap themselves around her and the two could remember together.
That's when she would sigh and move back taking it down and placing it back in the drawer. Drained once again.
I get lost sometimes
Another year flies by
But I know if I try
Memories of the light in your eyes
Can take me back in time
It had been harder than she thought, living there again, and she had stayed longer than she had anywhere else. Being in the place where it had all happened hadn't helped her get back on track, in fact she felt even more lost than she did a year prior.
She could only hope that staying there and living those memories, over and over and over again, would turn the time around, hoping that if she remembered hard enough, she would see the light she used to hold, and she would come back.
She felt that if she came back, all would be right in the world.
It's hard to see you
We are older now
And when I find you, you just turn around
It wasn't getting easier to see her either, every time it felt like a knife was being twisted around in her chest. She could feel herself having trouble breathing, she knew she stared, but that was alright, because she still stared back, but no more than a few seconds. And then she'd turn around. And every time it hurt a little more.
This is a black and white of you I found
I hang you up and then I pull you down
I hang you up and then I pull you down
A year and she still sat by the drawer every night, she still pulled out the photograph and she still hung it up, staring at it before the memories got too painful and she had to take it down.
It's hard to see you
We are older now
(We are older now)
And when I find you, you just turn around
(Turn around)
It had been a day like any other and after work she'd decided to go for a walk along the beach, that was the only other thing she'd missed from the West Coast, she had taken her shoes off to try and feel the sand between her feet.
And then she saw her, and this time it had hurt more than all the others combined. She was definitely older now, she could see it, there was proof. He was there too, and so was this little boy, who couldn't have been any older than a year old.
She was sitting on the sand watching the two boys play, she could hear them too, well, she could hear the little boy's squeal's and laughter. She almost wanted to smile, but she couldn't, she felt she was the one who should be there.
That she should be the one to chase around their little kid. But that wasn't reality. And then she turned her head in her direction. She could feel the stare and she stared back, until her attention was taken by the little boy who stumbled up to her trying to hide behind her. There had been something in that stare, something different, it was almost a tangible painful sadness...
But she had turned around. Again.
This is a black and white of you I found
(You I found)
I hang you up and then I pull you down
(Pull you down)
She got home a few hours later, deciding that a bar had more choices than her refrigerator. Slightly buzzed she stumbled in and was greeted by the silence. It was getting too much, she couldn't take the quiet anymore.
She made her way to the kitchen grabbing hold of the bottle of Jack she had stilling there before moving to her bedroom, quickly turning on the iPod that was sitting there before sitting on her bed glaring at the drawer, as if it was its fault that she was hurting.
She started drinking, straight from the bottle. Why should she bother with a glass? She was alone. Alone...
She shoved the bottle on the bedside table as she then reached for the drawer almost ripping it open to take the photograph out. She could feel herself tearing up from inside. She didn't want to cry, she was tired of crying, she was all cried out from the last six years spent doing nothing but that.
She stood up grabbed the bottle and took a swig as she moved to the nail that was still in place. She hung the picture up and stood back.
And this time instead of all the happy memories she was used to feeling she was left with a bitter taste of their last times together. Times when there was only pain and anger and fear. She grabbed the photo from the wall and was about to move it back to the drawer when she was hit full force by the memory of the photograph, remembering how bright her eyes had seemed when she'd spotted her in the doorway.
Once the shock and surprise had left she remembered clearly the bright smile she was given and the happiness she had felt radiating from her. She leaned down and put the bottle to the ground as she ran her finger along the edge of the frame.
I hang you up and then I pull you down
(Pull you down)
With a faint small memory of a smile she hung it back up before grabbing her bottle and moving back, hoping the memories wouldn't be painful one's this time as she stared at it.
Life wasn't kind though, and she found herself remembering her on the beach that day, sitting there with the boy who'd stolen her away and a kid who had no choice but to be her's, because the laughter she'd heard come from him was the same laughter she'd heard from her those few times a few years back.
And that was it, the tears were now running free as she screamed out in pain not understanding how they could have gone from being so damn happy to so damn miserable in such a short amount of time.
It didn't make sense, she threw the half empty bottle against the wall barely hearing it shatter as the glass flew to the ground, the photograph shaking slightly.
She stood there for only a few seconds before it all became too much and she ripped the photograph off the wall throwing it across the room, not even realizing it had hit the iPod dock.
I hang you up and then I pull you down
She crumbled to the ground after that, letting the tears run free as she tried to make sense of everything, trying to figure out what she could have done, what she SHOULD have done.
She lost track of time but as she moved herself so she could lean on the wall and she felt the sharp pain in her hand from a rogue piece of glass, she made a decision, one she was sure to regret.
She grabbed her phone from her pocket as the tears just kept on streaming down and she dialled the number she still knew by heart, she was hoping it was still the same...
"Ello?" Came a groggy voice from the other end.
She let a shaky breath out as she realized it was indeed the voice of the woman who's face had been haunting her for the longest time.
"Hello? Who is this?" The voice came back, this time more awake and slightly annoyed at having been woken up in the middle of the night.
She tried to stop the tears but there was no use, "I don't hear music anymore..." she started.
"What? Who the hell..."
"My ears are tired of all the pictures in the words..."
"Oh my God..."
"'Cause you are in them still..."
"Alex..."