When life gives you Lemons
A sequel to My Soul to Keep and a tag to both Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid and Dark Side of the Moon.
It is a blessed thing that in every age someone has had the individuality enough and courage enough to stand by his own convictions. -Robert Green Ingersoll
I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not -Robert Green Ingersoll
The man who in view of gain thinks of righteousness; who in the view of danger is prepared to give up his life; and who does not forget an old agreement however far back it extends - such a man may be reckoned a complete man. -Confucius
They had suffered another setback, probably the worst one yet. Of all the losses Sam and Dean had endured, none of them would ever equal losing the one person who was like a father to the both of them. They would fight to the death for that man, but instead, they had to watch as he slowly slipped from their grips, realizing they could lose him too like they had lost everyone else. Ash, Andy, Ellen, Jo, the list was too long to think about.
Dean was worried about Bobby. First losing the ability to walk, saving Dean's life, then losing his wife again, having to kill her…again…"She was the love of my life. How many times do I gotta kill her?" Then Bobby's ominous revelation about Death, that he had come for Bobby, to either kill him or break him. Dean was scared that Bobby was on the way to being broken.
Dean would have taken Bobby's rage at having to kill his wife again, he would have understood if Bobby had blamed Dean and Sam for putting him in Death's sightline, he would have even understood and let him go if Bobby had said that he was done, that he was walking away from the mess they had gotten him into, but instead of all that, when Sam had asked him if he would be all right, all they got was silence. When Bobby turned upwards and gave Sam a sad, empty expression, Dean knew at that moment that they were losing him. And even though Bobby would never blame them for what had happened to him, Dean knew that he was losing his will to survive, whether it was coming from the loss of his wife or from feeling the futility of trying only to fail, again and again, causing casualty after casualty maybe feeling that a Hell on Earth seemed more and more inevitable and he didn't want to live to see it. Bobby's light was dimming and it pained Dean to see it, even more that Dean may have driven him there.
oooo
He'd been wrong.
Watching Bobby fall into his grief and his uncertainty had been bad enough, but it hadn't been the worst set back.
Going to Heaven had been.
Dean never thought he could feel as beaten down as he had after seeing what he had in Heaven. If he hadn't already been dead inside like Famine had said, he was pretty sure he was there now. He could rationalize that it was all Zacariah's doing, that he had planted just the right things to eat away at Dean's already shattered confidence, but he'd be kidding himself. After all, Cas had told him that they were in Heaven. He had wanted them to find Joshua to find out what God was saying, thinking, and doing about the Apocalypse. Poor bastard, Dean thought. He had managed to break him too with the news from Joshua that God didn't give a damn, that He had wanted to be left out of their mess. Dean had never heard Cas swear ever. How much more damage could he possibly do to the people he cared about? But then there was Sam.
The trip hadn't been an invaded dream world that was being manipulated, at least not the parts that were their memories. It had all been about them, Sam and him and what he had learned there had killed anything he had left to grasp onto. He had been hanging on by a thread as it was, so to watch Sam, inadvertent as it was, cut the last strand by showing him just how important Dean had been to him, how important family had been to him, apparently, not so much, had devastated Dean.
All of Sam's happy memories were about when he had "escaped" both him and their dad. Not a single one had included Dean. Not even when they had been kids. Did nothing he had done for Sam then mean anything to him? Dean's first memory had been the fireworks with Sammy, 4th of July, 1996. The look of joy and happiness on Sam's face had meant everything then and remembering that had warmed up the iciness that he had felt for what seemed centuries since he had come back from Hell.
"Dad would never let us do anything like this. Thanks, Dean. This is great!"
Dean swallowed back his tears as he remembered how real little Sammy's hug had felt against him. He hadn't felt that sincerity from Sam in a long time. Even when they had hugged after he had come back from Hell, it had felt half-hearted, almost like Sam was just a little disappointed at seeing him back. He had shrugged it off then, chalking it up to jet lag from Hell, but now, he understood. He'd been right. Sam had been disappointed. He wasn't on his own anymore. He had always preferred life away from his family, away from him. Sam had told him later that he had turned to Ruby to escape him.
Dean didn't think any pain could hurt as bad as learning all that he had about Sam's true feelings about him. He had believed, maybe even had hoped at times that Sam was just leaving their dad, to get out from under his thumb, not from him, the person who had raised him, but he had been so wrong that it gave him an aching pain. So when Cas gave him back the necklace Sam had given him when they were kids, having cherished it, having never let it leave his neck until Cas had asked for it, he couldn't put it back on, feeling the meaning behind it had been all a sham so he threw it away. Sam may have thought it was easy to do, but it hadn't been. It had been the hardest thing he had ever done in his life.
oooo
Sam didn't think he could ever make up to Dean what he had seen in Heaven. Nothing he could say would sound anything remotely sincere. Even the truth. How could he continue to lie to Dean when he had seen for himself what Sam was feeling. Truth: Yes, Sam had always wanted to be on his own. Truth: Running away to Flagstaff wasn't meant to hurt Dean, but only because Dean's feelings had never entered into the equation. Sam was nothing if single-minded. He had just wanted to get away from their dad. Sam had never thought they were a package deal, but in hearing Dean say that Sam had left on his watch…he understood now how cruel doing that was. Truth: Sam did run to Ruby to escape Dean. THAT had been about Dean and Dean alone, but it didn't mean Sam didn't care, but he knew now how wrong it was to trust Ruby over his brother. Dean would never believe that now.
Sam pulled the amulet out of the trash and squeezed it in his hands before putting it into his pocket. He didn't know if he could ever get it around Dean's neck again and maybe it was asking too much to try, but he couldn't leave it behind. It meant as much to him as it had for Dean. Watching Dean never taking it off, even showering with it on, made Sam feel important when he had first given it to him. After a few years, Sam had taken for granted that it would always be around Dean's neck. The last time he had touched it was when he had pulled it off of Dean's dead body after the hell hounds had gotten to him. It was covered in blood and at first, Sam left it that way, almost afraid to wash it off, partly because it was Dean's blood, but also because he thought he would be washing off any mojo that Dean had maybe put on it. It was silly, but those were insanity-inducing times, alcohol-soaked times. He had clung on to anything he could to keep him alive. Even then, on some days, it was only barely enough.
That was the truth, but he knew Dean would never believe him now. All Dean felt now was betrayal and Sam couldn't blame him. The only thing that had amazed Sam about those memories was how much he had wanted to be on his own, that those memories would be so strong that they would push out anything else, anything with Dean in them because Sam knew they were there. Could he be so out of touch with his brother that he couldn't even remember a single thing Dean had done for him that was worth creating a Heaven around? When Dean told him his memory, Sam had remembered that and fondly. Dean had defied their dad just so they could have those fireworks, just to make him happy. Why couldn't he have thought of those memories? It scared him. It scared him a lot.
Sam watched Dean climb into the Impala, robotic, cold, distant, alone and it hurt Sam, but it also frightened him. He was afraid of climbing into the passenger seat, afraid that Dean would just gun the car away, leaving Sam behind. The closer Sam got, the more he expected to see Dean leave him, just like all the times he had left Dean. But Dean didn't. He just waited.
Sam climbed into the car and closed the door. They sat for a minute like that, Dean's hands gripping the wheel tightly.
"I just need you to tell me one thing," Dean said, breaking the silence.
"What?" Sam said quietly.
"Were you ever happy with us?" Dean asked, tense yet with a tinge of hope in his voice.
Sam blinked and he felt his eyes fill up with tears.
"Yeh, Dean, I was," Sam said almost pleadingly in the hopes that Dean would believe him. "I really was happy a lot, I…"
Sam stopped himself, fearing more explanation would just sound insincere.
"Name one time. I know it sounds lame, but right now, I need to hear it, even if it's a lie."
Sam looked at Dean and saw that, he too, was on the verge of tears, barely holding them back.
"It doesn't sound lame, Dean and I won't lie," Sam said as he knew the exact memory he wanted Dean to hear. "When you were 15, when most brothers wanted to ditch their little brothers, you saved up and you took me to the carnival because I had been royally whining about how all my friends were going."
Sam watched as Dean's face changed, transforming from the hurt to a soft smile at remembering Sam's memory himself.
"Yeh, you were really being a pill," Dean added.
Sam smiled widely.
"Yeh I was. I remember there was this toy, I wanted. I can't remember –"
"It was a water gun," Dean clarified.
"Yeh and you had to shoot at some targets to get it for me," Sam said, still smiling. "The look on that guy's face when you hit every one on the first try…"\
"Guess all that training didn't go to waste after all, huh?"
"Yeh," Sam said wistfully. "Dean, I know saying I'm sorry isn't enough, but…"
Dean turned to look at Sam. His face was grim and looking as if he had aged, pain etched deep into the lines on his forehead.
"I just need some time, okay? Right now, I got nothing left in me."
"I get that," Sam said, not pushing for more.
"Thanks," Dean said as he started the car and they drove off.
Sam was taken by surprise by Dean's thanks. He had done nothing to earn that and yet Dean had said it as if to tell Sam things weren't done between them. Sam clung to that with everything he had in him. He then remembered Dean's memory of comforting their mom when their dad had left her. He had been a baby when that had happened so he had never known how far back Dean had been acting as comforter, supporter, and peace maker. By the time Sam was old enough to benefit from it, Dean had honed and perfected the skills. Dean was also adept at taking terrible situations and making them better for everyone else except when it came to himself. He would absorb all the pain and give back whatever was necessary to fix any problem, to ease any discomfort, to eliminate any enemy threat.
But now, it was Dean who was hurting, wounded by so many things both past and present, that Sam could see how it was all finally showing in cracks and tears on the façade Dean had been so successful at putting up for so many years. And unlike how he'd been there for everyone else, gave what was needed, no one was there for him now, at least not in his eyes. Not their parents, not Bobby, not Cas, not even God and not the one person he should have been able to count on no matter who or what else abandoned him. Sam.
Dean was alone no matter how full the room was, no matter how large the world was. Dean was alone. It was easier in some ways for Sam to walk away, yet again, say no to Lucifer, because as long as he did, Lucifer couldn't use him to destroy the earth, but Dean, Dean had broken the first seal and Lucifer or not, Dean had to stop the world from ending. It was all on him and he had no one to lean on, no one who he could depend on to watch his back, no one to take a bullet for him. Even though Sam knew he would, as long as Dean didn't believe, it wouldn't matter. He would just let the bullet hit him and surrender to the darkness it would give him. Surrender wasn't in Dean Winchester's vocabulary until now and Sam was scared to death that it was written all over his face.
FIN. Thanks for reading. Another sequel is in the works.