Teachers' Lounge crack!fic challenge

Prompt: Luna and Dobby working together (with thanks to Bad Mum and Arpad Hrunta).

~oOo~

"Dung … I mean, Mundungus. Good to see you. Please take a seat. What can I do for you?"

Mundungus Fletcher took the seat in front of Harry's desk with its shiny brass plaque announcing that Harry was now Head of Magical Law Enforcement.

As Harry was rarely out in the field these days, he hadn't seen Mundungus for years, but he'd changed relatively little. Mundungus, having been a member of the Order of the Phoenix, was an Order of Merlin, Third Class, and when an Order of Merlin holder wanted to speak to someone in the Ministry, so be it.

"I wanna file a brutality complaint."

Harry's eyebrows shot up.

"I'm very sorry to hear that. What's the complaint regarding?" Harry reached for his mug of tea with one hand and a quill with the other.

"Two of your Aurors. Lovegood and Dobby. That's what. Bleedin' menace, the pair of 'em. An' violent."

A quick tergeo dealt with the tea that had dribbled from Harry's mouth as he stared at Mundungus.

"Luna? I mean, Auror Lovegood?"

"Yeah. She's does all the 'good cop' act," Mundungus made quotes with his fingers, "but she was incitin' the little monster all the time."

"Little mons -"

"Yeah. 'E's a right little perisher! There I was, mindin' me own business in Diagon Alley, an' these two come over, all innocent like. 'Mr Fletcher, may we talk to you for a moment?'" Mundungus did a passable imitation of Luna's airy way of talking which was so incongruous with his grubby appearance that Harry had to stifle a laugh. "Well, I didn' wanna talk right then, an' that's me right not to talk, innit? So I said, 'Not now,' an' turned to go in the pub and that little bleeder charmed the door shut on me, 'e did!

"'You shall not turn your back on Miss Luna,' 'e says."

Outraged, Mundungus pointed to the tip of his nose, which Harry had to admit looked rather red and swollen. Still clamping his mouth tightly shut so he couldn't smile, Harry carried on making notes, although a part of him remembered how hard he and Ron had hit the barrier at King's Cross. He really would have to speak to Dobby about his methods.

"An' then! An' then!" Mundungus leant forward, warming to his theme, "the blonde bird …"

"Auror Lovegood is not 'a bird', Mundungus."

"Yeah, well, I'll respect 'er when she respects me, manhandlin' me -"

"I can't imagine that Auror Lovegood -"

"Oh, can'tcha? Well, lemme tell ya." Mundungus wiped a none-too-clean hand across his stubble. "So, me nose is 'urt and I let 'em know I'm un'appy. She pretends to 'elp me up, like, and then says, 'Oh look! A blibbering humdinger!' I don't know what one of 'em is, so I looks an' she Disapparates wiv me to the Ministry! They takes me to an interview room an' say they just want a little chat abaht counterfeit cauldrons. I mean – come on! I got outta that game years ago!"

Mungdungus bristled in his chair and then continued.

"So, they questioned me for 'ours and I keep tellin' 'em I don't know nuffink and I ain't had no lunch an' I told 'em they couldn't keep me when I'm 'ungry like that cos, well, it's against me civil liberties, innit?"

Harry nodded wearily.

"She pretends to be all nice and asks me what I wants. Gets me a sandwich. Chicken salad, jus' like I arst. As I'm eatin' I repeat I don' know nuffink about cauldrons and the 'ouse-elf casts 'Raddichio' -"

"I'm sorry - what?" squawked Harry. "I've never heard of such a spell."

"Yeah. Well it shredded me lettuce good 'n' proper. I knew it was a veiled threat."

"I'm sure it was just Auror Dobby's kitchen training, wanting the sandwich to be right."

"Kitchen training, my ar … eyes! What abaht when 'e threatened me wiv a Bludger then, ay?"

"A Bludger?" gulped Harry, the sudden remembrance of his boneless arm making him feeling nauseous.

"Yeah. I said I was leavin' and 'e said a Bludger would slow me dahn."

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair, knowing this wouldn't read well at all if the complaint proceeded further.

"Anyway, then blondie changes tactics an' starts givin' me a lecture on the dangers of fake cauldrons an' 'ow they's particularly dangerous for youngsters an' them what does experimental charms. She reckoned she got sold one once an' only survived cos she was saved by Gernumbli magic. Said she was bitten by a gnome at a weddin' and it endowed 'er wiv luck. I'm arskin' ya, Potter? Just what kind of nonsense are you teachin' yer Aurors. Bleedin' Gernumbli magic. Wos that all abaht?"

The strain of not laughing competed with a faint flutter of panic at the headlines Harry imagined The Daily Prophet could make with this complaint.

"Then!" Mundungus jabbed the desk for emphasis. "Then, she starts bangin' on that I must 'ave wrackspurts in me 'ead an' that would account fer me lack o' morals cos she finks I'm a good bloke 'oo wouldn't dream of hurtin' anyone! So if I'll just confess, she'll write in 'er report that I've got these wrackspurts an' everything'll be awright. Now, jus' what are you tryin' to pull 'ere, Potter? What the 'ell are wrackspurts anyway?"

Harry started to feel rather trapped. Did he confess that wrackspurts were invisible creatures that made a person's head fuzzy, or that he really didn't have the faintest idea where Luna got her ideas from (other than her father) because that would undermine her authority as an Auror?

"Auror Lovegood has some – er - progressive ideas on law enforcement," Harry said, aware his voice was little higher-pitched than usual. He coughed to clear his throat.

"Yeah, well! She may be progressive but that bleedin' elf's old school. When I said I didn't know what a wrackspurt was an' I didn't care, that little perisher levitated my drink and dropped it over me 'ead! Said I oughtn't ta speak to Miss Luna that way!"

Now Harry looked closely, there did appear to be a large dried pumpkin juice stain over Mundungus's shoulders. Harry sighed. It was certainly going to be difficult to convince Mundungus that Dobby was only being protective, if somewhat over-zealous.

"Oo gives a bleedin' 'ouse elf that kind of power anyway?" demanded Mundungus, straightening his grubby robe in high dudgeon.

"Why shouldn't other magical beings be Aurors?" challenged Harry.

"Why? Why? Cos 'e's a bleedin' 'ouse-elf, that's why! If they think it's okay to smack themselves on the 'ead, they're not gonna fink twice abaht knockin' a suspect on the 'ead, are they?" The look Mundungus gave Harry made it clear that he thought Harry was already one snitch short of a Quidditch kit.

Harry read Luna's report and noted that, whilst Mundungus was in for questioning, his flat had been searched by another team under Ministry warrant and fifty counterfeit cauldrons had been discovered. It was a fair collar, as far as Harry could see.

Luna had challenged Mundungus but he had claimed he had no knowledge of how the cauldrons had got there. Harry's heart sank as he saw her notes:

I suspect Nargles are behind it. We may have to lay traps of mistletoe.

Fair collar or not, if Luna gave Mundungus a defence, no matter how ludicrous, and Dobby's enthusiasm was construed as brutality, they could lose the arrest all together.

"What are you after, Dung?" said Harry, watching Mundungus shrewdly. "You know we've got the cauldrons."

"Yeah, but as I've suffered, I want a reduced charge. And I want a different Auror assigned to me case, awright? That's fair. Then I won't take it no further."

Harry nodded slowly. It was clear Mundungus was up to his old tricks, Order of Merlin or not, but the Department of Magical Law Enforcement really could do without the bad publicity. It had taken Kingsley then Hermione and Harry years of work to extend the recruitment policies of the Auror department to include other magical beings.

"Sure, that's fair," said Harry, signing off the case re-assignment parchment.

Mundungus got up, nodding as if satisfied. Harry saw him out, shaking hands and sat at his desk, thinking. Then, with a twinkle in his eye that would have made Dumbledore proud, he remembered the sound of a copper pan striking Mundungus's head from all those years ago at Grimmauld Place and knew he had his solution.

"Auror Kreacher!"

~oOo~