Ashes of what could've been
Rating: PG
Summary: [One-shot, Kai's POV] Unable to say it otherwise, Kai writes out his feelings for Karen.
A/N: If the title didn't warn you, then let this be your warning: this drips with angst. I'm depressed and writing is my venting point.
Disclaimer: Harvest moon © Natsume. It's obviously not mine, I'm just borrowing a few of the characters for my own dastardly purposes.
The fire is low, the candle beside me is almost a stub, and it's probably
almost morning, yet I'm here, with a pencil in these calloused hands, trying to
write this letter.
It must be absolutely perfect.
Lining up the paper
and pencil, carefully, gently, I begin to write.
Dear Miss
Karen
Much too formal.
The pencil eraser dances across the
paper as the words dissolved into a dark smudge.
In frustration, I crumple
the letter, only to smooth it out again.
Paper is a pretty scarce thing
here. Not to be wasted.
The creases leave macabre scars on the
paper,
along with the long black smear of the spent eraser. Proof that even
when things are erased, the old,
less desirable parts still...
linger.
Dear Karen
I study it for a moment. It will
do.
There's some things I must confess,
Things I was too cowardly
to tell you
Closing my eyes, I see her emerald eyes, lighting up with
a smile, flashing in a rage,
filled with sadness, with wonder...
I
considered what they would look like when she read this part of the letter.
Annoyed? Angry? ...Happy?
Sighing I open my eyes and continue
writing.
I wish things could've turned out differently, that I wasn't
such a coward,
that I admitted my feelings.
So many what-ifs, I guess
I've always been that way.
My father's voice seemed to come to me
then.
Especially when he drank, then he would go to the point of
violence
But he didn't need physical to be abusive.
Perhaps long after the
marks on my back and face had healed,
the scars on my soul were still
intact, no matter how hard I tried, his voice was there mocking me.
I doubt
those will ever heal, they were still buried too deep.
Everywhere I went a
shadow was soon to follow
Do you remember the time we danced under the
stars?
Everyone had gone home from the festival, but you didn't want to stop
dancing,
Or the first time I saw snow, and the time...
...so many happy
times we spent together
I remembered those times. So clear, always
in the back of my memories, I'd convinced myself I was dreaming, how could it be
real?
You were kind to me then... Much too kind.
I wished I'd had
more time, more courage to say what I felt
And that things had turned out
differently,
Every minute it feels like I'm dying,
It's getting harder to
breathe
To not think about you,
I'm a weak person, I always have
been
If only I'd been stronger,
If only...
So many "if only's"
So many times I should have changed and didn't, and now...
I've lost
everything.
Now I am changing,
Now it's too late.
The candle has
gotten even lower. Wax drips down it's sides, like ivory tears.
Raining
down...
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
I stare at it, completely
transfixed.
It's reminiscent of all the tears, that so many have cried
.
Mother, Karen, the mistress, me.....
My breath caught in my throat as
I wrote the next paragraph
the feelings threatened to over come me,
tears
long hidden almost spilled over,
but I was able to hold them
back.
I know that you love him and that we could never be,
and even
though it's tearing me in two,
I wanted you to know that I'm happy,
I'm
happy that you're happy.
And even though it hurts to say this,
You've
changed me for the better,
I'm stronger because I loved you
And I'd like
to thank you for that
Love,
Kai.
The deed has finally been
done.
It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Almost
Ceremonially, I smooth out the finished letter one last time, looking it
over.
Smudged, creased, and filled with heartfelt words.
Words
better left unspoken.
I smile.
Then almost hypnotically I walk
towards the fireplace, releasing the letter from my hands.
It swoops
gracefully in the air, like a bird in flight, then lands in the
fireplace.
Slowly the edges blacken and curl inwards, fire engulfs it, and I
watch till nothing is left.
Except ashes. Ashes of what could of
been.
Like in a dream, I walk outside.
A blanket of snow covers
the countryside, and silence is so deep, it's almost suffocating.
Snowflakes
fall about me.
I open my hand, and a single flake falls into the palm of
my hand.
Almost on reflex, I close it.
Feeling the cool wetness on my
bare skin, the wispy cloud of my breath....
And I realize that I don't want
to be anywhere else.
This place, had become home to me.
And frankly, I
don't believe that I could live anywhere else.
I look up to the sky, and see
familiar constellations, the same stars I've been staring at since
childhood.
Scintillating silver lights, fixed in the night sky.
I know
that in the fireplace is ashes of what could of been, everything I should have
said, but by the time I put it into words, it was too late.
Inside that
letter was a tribute to my own cowardliness.
But no more.
This is
my home now, and I'm not going to run away, even though I've lost Karen, the
girl I loved, I will still live.
I look up to the sky one last time before I
go inside, one hand already on the door.
The smooth metal embraces it, taking
all bodily heat, but I don't care,
my mind is transfixed upon what is
happening above.
A shooting star passes overhead.
I watch it, but don't
make a wish.
I'm tired of wishing upon a star.
I've decided to turn
dreaming in for reality.
I've learned that some things never come
true...
...But then again, some things do.
A/N: Thank you for
reading. ^^
Reviews are much appreciated. Especially constructive
criticism.
Sorry if it seems to stilted, and I probably should have
elaborated on the letter, but oh well.
As I said, this was just venting for
me....