A/N: Wow, first M! :D Hurrah! Well, this is very different from what i've written in the past... which was an iffy fluff. THIS is, I assure you, an... acceptable M. Ahahah. XD But really, i've worked hard on this little one-shot, and i'd like to thank my beta Julie's Jewels once again for going over the first part a little for me. I know I sent you the next part, but I just couldn't wait to write the rest, and after spending a night on it, I was sure it was perfect. So i've posted it! :D And now, without further ADUH, an angsty, Riku-centric (and one-sided?) Soriku yaoi fanfiction by yours truly. 3

DISLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NUTHIN. OwO

To Feel

I did this to myself.

What I was trying to prove, i'm not sure.

I'm sitting in this stupid room... well, MY room, but not really. Maleficent had "graciously" given this room to me, with a desk and a slightly squeaky bed and a large window that gazed out into an endless, barren terrain behind this blasted castle in the dreaded and empty Hollow Bastion... but I hardly spend any time in it, except for nights like these.

And it's nights like these where I really just want to scream.

I really think it's the darkness that's slowly consuming me. There are times where it's so painful that I catch myself shaking, begging for it to go away...but the next thing I know, it's morning, and Maleficent has the heartless bring me a sorry excuse for a meal all before she sends me out to do her dirty work.

At least the frigid bitch feeds me.

But anyway.

I can't see an end to this. I don't see a solution, anywhere.

However, when I was in front of Sora, in Monstro, when I saw him and his new "friends"... I had gone and reverted to my old self, the cocky side of my personality, all because of the jealousy I felt. Just for that moment, when I saw his eyes, I felt this painful twinge of bitter nostalgia. It was like I was back home, the place I sacrificed for my own satisfaction, to feed my gluttonous curiosity and yearning for adventure. The moment that I touched that darkness, I knew there was no turning back. I was terrified. The darkness had writhed my flesh and bone, curdled my blood and rolled my eyes back into my skull as I just let it consume me, take over me, and manipulate me... I was so powerless. The darkness had made me turn and give my hand to Sora, hungry for another body to take. Although he didn't take it, I saw my best friend dissipate as I was dragged down into what I presumed to be hell. I ended up here, in Hollow Bastion... and Maleficent gave me an offer to which I couldn't see a way out.

Now I always feel it in my body, at night especially. I always feel terrified.

And tonight, I really can't take it anymore.

So, as i'm sitting at the foot of my bed, still fully dressed, I hold my head in my hands and just listen to myself breathe. The darkness even affects my lungs and I try to breathe without coughing up blood. I attempt to clear my mind completely to just get rid of this stupid headache that I have, but it's a lost cause, because it never goes away.

It's dark, and Maleficent is gone. I don't know where she is, and I don't really care. I feel just as alone right now as I do when she's here. Wind rattles against the windows and I turn to draw the curtains. I sigh as I undress to just my shirt and boxers and lie back, hoping to be able to sleep without much trouble tonight. I close my tired eyes.

Then, suddenly, I see a vision...a vision of Sora.

I'm so startled that I start to cough, and I feel the blood starting to come up. I grimace and swallow it back down. ...Is it a memory, or a dream? I keep my eyes shut, hoping that it'll never go away. Stay with me, please. He doesn't have to say anything, just stay with me. I can't take this, I'll go crazy. I whisper to him, and at this point I don't care if it's real or not. I need to talk to somebody, even if he doesn't have anything to say.

"Sora... It hurts." I say. My hands are pressed to my face, rubbing at my eyelids.

I can hear his voice, and the rattle of his chains... He's calling my name.

"...ku...Ri...ku..."

Now I can see his face. He's smiling, and I feel warm...he's just like I remember him. My eyes are squeezing shut now, because I don't wanna lose him. A ball of emotion crawls up my throat and catches in my mouth, and tears I can't control are now rolling down my face.

"...Riku...!"

"Please, Sora, stay with me..."

"...Don't cry...iku... What... ould... Kai...ri... think...?"

His voice is breaking as I hear fragments of what he's saying. By the sad look in his face I can almost detect that he's about to cry too. I keep thinking of his eyes, and whatever is left of my heart aches to dive into them. My voice breaks, too, as I lose it and pour my heart into this Sora that i've confided in to end my sleeplessness.

"I'm so scared, Sora... This darkness, whatever it is... it's eating me away, and i'm trying so hard to hold on... Please, i'm sorry... This darkness... I can feel it... always, and I can't sleep... it's close to taking me over. And I don't want it to. But... i'm not s-strong-"

The sentence hitches in my throat.

"...I-i'm not... strong enough...!"

I feel a wave of desperation splash over me. I need warmth. I reach out, eyes still closed, to grab him. I don't know if it's me slowly losing my mind, or something miraculous taking place, but I could have sworn I felt arms grasping around me, squeezing me... I could feel a heart against mine, scared and alone just like me. A chill runs down my spine as I hear his voice like he's whispering in my ear.

"Riku..."

If this is what my mind can come up with, i've completely lost it. I'm on my side, facing the wall, arms out, but I can feel Sora in them. My eyes are hurting from how hard i'm trying to keep them shut, but it's Sora, he's here, he's with me... I can feel the darkness in my heart melting from how warm he is. At last, i'm not shaking as much as I was. God, he's so close I can feel him breathing. I gasp when I feel his forehead against mine. I'm looking into his eyes, his big, blue eyes... I could die, right here. How long can we stay like this, I wonder? I avoid saying that out loud. I don't want to upset myself, or him. I want to cherish this moment with my best friend, who, in reality, is so far away... but right now, is so fucking close to me. I can't even begin to explain how much my heart aches for him at this point.

...This is real. I need this to be real. Every one of my senses is completely enveloped in the boy...my best friend. But I seem to have forgotten that, because we've never held each other like this before. I quickly wipe that thought away from my mind. The only thing I need to think about is Sora, who smells like candy and the beach, whose skin is so soft, and... god, i'm surprised he's even letting me do this. I'm imagining that he's just sleeping over like he always is... we're sharing my bed, like we always do... We've always been comfortable with each other...but I don't know how he feels about this, about the way i'm clinging to him, whispering in his ear about how much I need him. This goes way beyond any stupid sleepover. I chuckle darkly, remembering all those sleepovers we had.

Then, I revert back to the situation at hand. I'm holding Sora in my arms, tightly, my breathing erratic, and I can't even tell what i'm whispering into his ear. I've become incomprehensible, yet he stares at me with that longing look, and it's driving me into a whole different feeling. I second guess this slightly familiar feeling, but it's already too late...

oh, god, i'm thinking about that.

Suddenly my body is getting warmer with him in my arms and i'm moving my hands across his back. I pull him closer to me, kissing his face and loving the feeling of the way his eyelashes brush across my cheek. I look down at him. He's perfect, and turning red, his little face with an expression I can only describe as some sort of need... He wants this, too. I softly wipe any tears he has left away with my thumb.

His eyes are so bright, and he's smiling again, for me. At that moment, I forget about us being best friends, and males, at that. I forget about how dark it is, about the feeling that this is just my mind playing tricks on me-

No.

This isn't my mind playing tricks on me. I can feel his heartbeat, his arms, and I'll prove it even more, right now.

I lean forward slowly and press my lips to his, eyes still shut, yet looking straight into him, and i'm cupping his face to bring us closer. I know it's not something best friends should do... ever. But right now, I need it. I need Sora, more than anything.

My eyes flutter when I realize that i'm in heaven... I'm touching his lips. They're warmer than anything i've felt so far, and it ignites something inside me that I can't hold back. A moan spills from my lips. I'm rubbing my whole body against him now, the friction giving me goosebumps. I deepen the kiss by sliding my lips roughly across his, and they feel like velvet... he tastes sweet. Finally, he moans, such a soothing yet heated melody that it almost sends me reeling over. The second he moans my name... I just want to drink him, consume him, and revel in everything that he is.

"ah... Riku...!"

I grind my hips into his and the friction is right there... god, it feels so good. I moan my saviors' name, the one who pulled me from the darkness... and i'm pushed into this world of pleasure that i've only seen glimmers of in the past. I'm blinded by it, and so I grind again and again, applying more and more pressure with each thrust I make. Just the friction alone... I can't take it. I can feel that he's amazed too, the way he tries to grind back, his hands grasping my arm as I push harder, his eyes squeezing shut every time we rub our pinnacle of nerves together. I notice that with me in a shirt and boxers and him fully dressed, we can't really do much more... thankfully I notice that he's sweating, trying to squirm out from the clothes that bind him. I kiss up and down his jawline sweetly as I try to remove his jacket, so that he's only wearing that red suit... and that meddlesome belt around it.

I toss the jacket aside. At this moment he does something amazing; Sora reaches down, unbuckles his belt, takes my hand... and heatedly presses it between his legs, in the spot where he needs me most. His breath is fogging everything around me and he feels so hot right there it's hard not to moan. I scramble to fill his need, unzipping his suit all the way down.

We're breathing so hard.

The suit is unzipped; I can finally see him... all of him. My fingers tentatively reach over and under to wrap my hand around his throbbing appendage, and he lets out a gasp that turns into a very loud and satisfied moan. Suddenly I feel his hands cling to me, one to my chest and one to my lower abdomen, and I freeze... he's so close to where I need him that it hurts. I kiss his swollen lips once again, eyes half lidded. He realizes exactly what he's doing as he keeps eye contact with me while his hands travel lower, lower, lower...My eyes widen as I feel him brush over me, just lightly...And now, his hands slowly start to massage through the cloth.

"Oh, god, Sora...please..."

He's beginning to understand how much I need him. He's grabbing and groping and feeling and touching and- oh, there, there-

I hiss at a chilly sensation that runs over my body. I look down to realize that he's exposed me, and he's running his hands all over me, applying pressure in just the right places... I moan loudly at the touches he's so generously giving me. Biting my lip, I place my hands over his as we slowly start to pump, together.

Release is within my reach.

Sora must realize this; he's pumping faster and tightening his strokes perfectly. I slyly wonder how he's so good at this... if he's learned this from experimenting, fine, but if he's learned by experience with other people... that's where i'll have a problem. Nobody on the island, or in any of the worlds for that matter, deserves these touches. Not even me... yet I bask in them still, a golden veil around his head as he roughly squeezes me until it almost hurts. I thank him for the sensation by hungrily attacking his lips once more, tongues clashing and teeth clacking together. His moans tickle the back of my throat.

My breath is becoming labored and hoarse, and I urge my Sora to pump faster; I guide his hands, pumping myself harder and harder. One hand continues as the other reaches out for Sora's forgotten appendage, keeping a steady rhythm along with our strokes. He's young, so he probably won't last very long- and by the way he's moaning, I know he's already close...

My vision is tunneling and the heat in my stomach is unbearable- until I finally release, my loud curse lowering down into an incoherent moan.

"f-fuck-ah, ahh...hnnngh...!"

I can feel heat waves slowly making their way down my body and into our hands, and it's blissful, beautiful, lovely, and completely... well, orgasmic. Hence, my orgasm.

the sticky substance is what keeps our fingers tangled together, and Sora does yet another thing that is very, very uncharacteristic; he lifts our intertwined hands and licks the white away heatedly, slowly... and he knows what he's doing, because it looks like the most delicious thing he's ever tasted. I catch myself leaning closer as he does this... If this really is a dream, then i'm not sure how this would ever have crossed my mind before. I want to burn this image into my memory forever. Sora on the edge of climax, sensually licking away my release from his own hands...

Sora's body convulses, and I remember that i've been practically milking him this entire time. His climax is long and sweet, and the fact that he moans my name in the most amazing way almost makes me want to do it again. His hot breath is right here, in front of me, and I can't help but kiss him more...

"r-ri...ku... ahhh-!"

Three long spurts and he's done, gasping. I feel the stickyness in my hands and copy his little routine from earlier; he looks at me, exhausted, but his eyes scream and dance at the way I lick my palm and fingers, one by one. It's salty with a twinge of sweetness to it, and as soon as I grew accustomed to his flavor, I had already licked all of it away. He sighs happily... And I still can't believe he came, in more ways than one, for me. I reach over to brush along his cheek-

...And my hand falls through him.

He's empty... like a hologram. His face is stoic now; no happy glow from before. I feel my heart drop. Suddenly, i'm freezing. Sora stares at me with cold eyes, and says nothing...

"No...Sora,no... fuck, please..!" I claw and reach and grab for my Sora, tears already pouring from my eyes, blinding me from what I need... the blankets are now ripped and torn because of me, and the curtains are fluttering while the wind whistles through the cracks in the window. Sora just stares, uncaring... unfeeling. Every one of my attempts to bring him close to me fall through him. It's almost as if he's a ghost lying next to me, silent and melancholy... He isn't my Sora anymore.

he fades, and I find myself in the same predicament I was in before this beautiful illusion neared it's deceitful head. My cries and sobs echo in this now empty room, and i'm alone...just as alone as I had been.

Just as alone as i'll always be.

Exhaustion overtakes me, and wishing it were death, I close my eyes...

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

This was how the rest of my nights were while I stayed at Hollow Bastion.

I guess you could say that was what kept me sane while slowly being taken by the darkness. That feeling of Sora with me was so comforting, even if it was my imagination. I'm not sure how it felt so real; maybe it was my sanity slipping in and out of reach, but I felt him... And the pain of him fading away had lessened after a while, because I had finally realized that it couldn't have been more fake. That, I suppose, is when I neglected all feeling, unless they were feelings of anger, sadness, or self-induced pleasure... But if you ask me about that now, i'd deny it. So consider that angsty memory a one-time exclusive story, because you're never, ever going to hear it again. Oh, and if you tell Sora-

Oh, wait a second! I suppose I should give this story it's happy ending, right?

...It actually does have one, you know. Not a typical happy ending, i'm sure, but one that I can honestly say has lead to bigger events. Events that I can happily say involve, well... it's with Sora, that's all you need to know. And just... Look, I gotta be somewhere, so i'll give you the short version.

Anyway.

A year or two has passed.

The day we had come back from our second journey, i had confessed to him what had helped me get by in Hollow Bastion. It... was an awkward conversation. Not one i regret bringing up; it had to be said. But maybe not in the place where i had said it, which was at a welcome home party that everyone had hastily set up in our honor. Pulling him aside and telling him right before he was going to jump into the freezing water wasn't the best idea, i'd admit... and i didn't expect him to run away from me either, which resulted in him pretty much falling into the water in front of everyone... And that's not even the worst part, his trunks had- uh... Well, would you look at the time!

...Ahem.

It's now a few days after returning home, and the three of us are back where we were when we left our beautiful islands, gazing out into the sunset. On this breezy afternoon, he confesses to me... Four words that give my exhausted heart a reason to live on and renew the bonds that it had severed years ago.

"...I felt you, too."

And now we're running back to my house, leaving Kairi behind with our boats. And i can't tell you what happens next, but i can give you a little hint...

What i feel now, with Sora, is 100% real.

A/N: whew! That's all folks. Thanks so much for reading. Please review, i'd love to know how I did :3 And if enough people like my story, i'll think about writing a sequel... from SORA'S POINT OF VIEW! GASP! ;D Thanks again! Toodles~! :3 and LOL RIKU SAID ORGASM. 8D

THIS STORY WAS FINISHED AT 4:02 AM! FJIEAOHFKDLS;AFSAOIF; I need sleep ;o;