Watch this link first. Seriously. It's hilarious. And you won't know what I'm talking about if you don't.

And thanks ToadFlame for the first review!

http: / / .com / watch?v=B4tVxNKA1Qs

Just delete the spaces and copy and paste it in your taskbar since fanfic doesn't allow links.

This is a story about how guys wish they could be part of a heist and about several guys doing that. And owning a monkey.

Does your life ever get stuck in a rut so bad that you can just sleep in for hours and when you wake up you find your halfway through your day? Kal's life was like that. And he hated it. Sometimes he would be so miserably bored with his rut that he would get onto the elevator alone and when the doors closed he'd start screaming and banging his head on the walls and when the doors would open he'd be standing perfectly normal except bleeding from the head. There wasn't anything in his life he wouldn't give away.

Part of his rut was his Friday movie, when his two friends would bring a movie over to his place and they'd watch it and eat pizza on his couch. The first friend's name was Kenny. Nobody likes someone named Kenny, it's just a law of nature to which he was no exception. His second friend was K.F. but nobody knew what that stood for.

Kal could sense his two friends walking down the hall like Obi-Wan Kenobi, "I sense a disturbance in the force." Without removing his staring eyes from the wall he reached over and opened the door. When they entered they were smiling. Those two were perfectly content with there lives. But Kal was the leader, so what he wanted went...

The movie was called, "Heat." I was 1995 action about a heist. It was like soccer. Two teams walking up and down the field for two hours shooting but nobody scoring until the end. At first it was just like any other action, one explosion after the other, but then it started to sink in on Kal. It clicked, then it became a spiritual experience for him like a journey to the Mecca of heists. Then it all made sense to him like when you get high and suddenly everything makes sense like you've unlocked the secrets to the universe, but you haven't, your just high.

The final explosion ended the movie. Kal just sat there with a thousand yard stare.

Then Kal stood up and waved his hands for emphasis. "Guys, we gotta do that. You know after watching that movie your like, 'I wanna do that!'"

K.F. got off the couch too. "Yeah, us and every other guy here on the face of earth would want to do that."

Kal shook his head and waved his hands. "No, I mean we want to do that more than we want a monkey. Any guy in this room would rather be part of a heist, than have a monkey."

Kenny said, "Even if the monkey could talk?"

Kal pointed at Kenny. "Shut up, Kenny. We want this even more than a monkey that we could dress in armor and do battle with."

K.F. shook his head. "I don't know. We'd be pretty stoked driving home from work knowing that there's a monkey with a sword hiding somewhere in your home waiting to ambush you."

Kal threw his hands up. "Guys we want- Nay- We need to do this more than we need a monkey."

Kenny stood up. "Whoa, even more than a talking, battling, MONKEY! Dude, you're serious about this heist thing, aren't you?"

Kal pushed Kenny back down. "Yes, Kenny, I'm serious. When you bring the Monkey into things, it's guy code for, 'YES I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!'"

K.F. Made a face at Kal. "Dude, we'd get shot and bleed out all over the news with people laughing at us because we did something stupid like forget our guns on the desk. Embarrassed. All over the news. Worst bank robbers ever."

Kal. "But we'd still be on the news!"

Kenny looked at Kal. "Even more than a monkey?"

Kal looked at Kenny like he was going to strangle him with his own tongue. "See, Kenny, there's always a Karen in a group. A Karen is someone nobody likes. And this is why you're the Karen of this group. People are like, Karen's such a douche bag. She's a literal bag of douche. And then Karen walks up and you're like, 'Hey, Kare! Karen, what's up, Kare?'"

K.F. "Dude, you're serious about this Heist, thing?"

Kal put his hands on K.F.'s shoulders and looked him in the eye like he was going to tell him the most important thing in the world. "Dude. Monkey. I. Am. Serious."

Kenny got an idea. "If we rob a bank, can we buy a monkey and pay for monkey school so it can learn to talk?"

Kal put his hand on Kenny's shoulder and solemnly said, "Yes, Kenny. In the words of Obama, 'Yes we can.'"

Okay, now the goal is to get together a team. We've pretty much got every corner covered. Kenny, (who either has an internet girlfriend or who's girlfriend is the internet) can be our hacker. HE can get us into the vault where the cash is. K.F. Who works at Starbucks can supply us with the guns. (I call AK 47! (You only think Starbucks doesn't have guns.)) And then there's me. I'm the brains and leader of this operation. Even if I did get my boyscout team lost when I was the leader. I didn't feel I needed to tell them that.

But there's on spot we need to fill. The driver. We need someone with a van someone who will drive up covering us from the bullets coming at us and then peel off with us in it. But there are two parts to this. There's the easy part, which is finding someone with a van. The hard part is finding a van that hasn't had weed smoked in it so many times you could get high just from being in there without the window rolled down. You know that every one who owns a van is either a kidnapper or a junkie. And we can't trust a junkie not to get high on us and do something stupid. Which lands us bleeding out on the news. And a kidnapper we don't trust not to slit our throats when we sleep.

So we need a guy with a van who's solid. He's got to be solid and cool. It took us a days but we finally found one. K.F. Was on the phone and came rushing out from the kitchen and said to Kenny and I, "Guys, guys, guys!"

Kenny was trying to defy human anatomy and lick something off his elbow.

Kal lifted his head up from hanging over the couch. "What, what what?"

K.F. raised his hands like a touchdown. "I tracked down my old college roomy, and he's got a van! We could so talk him into the heist thing. He's so strapped for cash he'd do it for a snicker's bar! And he's too poor to be a junkie and too lame to be a kidnapper. He's perfect!"

Kal hit his fist into his palm. "Good. That's great news because I just discovered we only have three days to pull this heist thing off."

"Why do we only have three days to pull the heist off?" Kenny said between attempted licks.

Kal paused, disturbed by his licking. "Because I already stole the AK's from Starbucks and I figure we have three days to before they figure out we took them."

K.F. dropped the phone. "Dude! You already stole the guns! I can't show my face to any of my co-workers now! Not even Lola! They'd all turn me in. Starbucks makes sure its employees are loyal to them like the Hitler Youth was to Hitler."

"Acceptable losses," Kal said. "Now, how about that buddy of yours, is he solid? Is he solid and is he cool? Can he be solid and cool in three days?"

"That's another thing," K.F. said. "All the successful heists have taken months if not years to plan. Why would ours work if we only have three days to figure it out?"

"No questions! Now make me a sandwich."

But then a day and a half later the getaway plan went to the toilet and a big fat guy sat on it.

"What did you just say?" Kal shouted.

"What did you just say?" Kenny said.

"Shut up Kenny," Kal and K.F. said at the same time.

"The getaway's hosed, man. Nothin' we can do about it." K.F. said.

"But let me get this straight: you trusted our getaway and our lives to a guy that was so dangerously stupid that he sneaked Mexicans across the border in his van and they stopped off at Taco Bell for a snack-"

"It sounds bad when you put it like that."

"Where they (I can't think of a joke for this. He does something stupid that gets him cuaght sneaking mexicans across the border. If you can think of one, let me know in the reviews and I'll post it if I like it.)

"That was pretty stupid, K.F." said Kenny.

"Shut up, Kenny," K.F. and Kal said at the same time.

Kal rubbed his temples. "Now we have one day, ONE day to find a driver. How are we going to do that?"

Kenny looked at his watch. "Where's the pizza? It was supposed to be here!"

"Shut up, Kenny!"

The doorbell rang.

Kal palmed his fist. "No, no. Trust me, this guys solid. I vouch for him. He's solid and he's cool."

K.F. spread his hands. "Dude, we just met this guy! We don't know anything about him!"

Kal put his hand on K.F.'s shoulder. "And for all the five minutes I've known him, he's been solid and cool. Trust me on this."

"Dude we don't know anything about this guy!"

"Yes we do! He's the pizza guy-"

"Who delivered our pizza late!"

"He's the pizza guy who's got a van, is the strong silent type and will do whatever we tell him like a freaking robot. And he owns a monkey. A monkey!"

Kenny said, "I say we let him in!"

K.F. said, "But we don't know if we can trust him. For all we know he's only a part time pizza boy and a full time cop."

Kal looked offended, "He owns a Monkey! Need I remind you that owning a monkey is guy code for, 'trustworthy.'"

Kenny said, " I say we let him in, only if he brings the monkey."

Kal said, "Trust me. This guy's solid. He's solid and he's cool."

"But he's not cool, is he?" said K.F.