This Ain't Goodbye, a hunger games fanfic

DISCLAIMER: All of the characters, plots, places, direct quotes, and everything else Hunger Games-related belongs to Suzanne Collins. I own none of it, and I am in no way associated with the Hunger Games franchise. The title was inspired by the song This Ain't Goodbye by Train. No copyright infringement intended.

You and I were friends from outer space
Afraid to let go
The only two who understood this place
And as far as we know
We were way before our time
As bold as we were blind
Just another perfect mistake
Another bridge to take
On the way of letting go

As soon as I walked through the door and saw her sitting there on the plush couch, fighting back the tears that threatened to expose her real emotions, my heart broke. All of the words I meant to say evaded me. I opened my arms and she rushed into them. We just held on for a moment, neither of us wanting to let go. I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms and shelter her from the horrors that awaited her, but I knew we didn't have much time. I told her to find a bow and make one if she couldn't. I reassured her there would be trees. I promised to take care of her mother and Prim. She held onto my words like a lifeline, and I kept racking my brain for anything else I could say to help her. Deep down, we both knew there was a good chance this would be our last conversation. The years of having each other's backs in the woods, listening to the other's problems, and being the only one who knew how the other felt were all coming to an end in those last few moments. When the Peacekeeper coldly ordered me out of the room, I knew there was one crucial piece of information I had never told her. I shouted, "Katniss, remember I love you!" But the thick door cut me off and left me to always wonder if she heard.

This ain't goodbye
This is just where love goes
When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold
This ain't goodbye
It's not where our story ends
But I know you can't be mine, not the way you've always been
As long as we've got time
Then this ain't goodbye

Against all odds, Katniss did come back to District Twelve after the Hunger Games. Peeta did too. I was worried about how Peeta would affect our friendship at first, but after a few weeks it became obvious that the star-crossed lovers weren't really in love. Well, Katniss wasn't anyway. She hardly even spoke to him up until the Victory Tour, as far as I know. I didn't see her very often either because most of my time was spent in the mines. She and Peeta must have made up, though, because they showed up at the square together the day I was caught poaching. I was whipped and then woke up on her kitchen table. As soon as her mother was finished treating me, she refused to leave my side. She sat there holding my hand until she fell asleep. She only left when Peeta sent her up to her room and said he would take over. Even if I agreed with his reason for doing so, it still reinforced what I knew to be true. Peeta was a part of her life that would always separate her from me, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

We were stars up in the sunlit sky
No one else could see
Neither of us ever thought to ask why
It wasn't meant to be
Maybe we were way too high
To ever understand
Maybe we were victims of all the foolish plans
We began to devise

For the second time, I watched as she stepped onto the stage. Effie Trinket called Haymitch's name, and Peeta volunteered before Haymitch even had time to take a step. It was all predictable, but it hurt just the same. We should have run away when she suggested it, but I had to be stubborn about Peeta coming along. Watching her be engaged to marry him was nothing compared to this. I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the next step in the process. I would only have about five minutes with her before they ushered her to the train station. There were so many things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her what she meant to me, that she was more than just a hunting partner. I wanted to tell her that she was the only person that ever understood me. I wanted to tell her that I loved her one last time, even if she would never say it back. The pain swelled around my chest as I realized that, unlike last time, I really was preparing to tell her goodbye. If I was being honest, I didn't think she or Peeta stood a chance against the twenty-two other victors. Not that she was even trying to win.

Just as I started walking to the Justice Building, I knew something wasn't right. My mouth dropped open in horror as I realized they were taking her and Peeta straight to the train station. Prim was running for the car, screaming Katniss' name. I grabbed her before a Peacekeeper could and held her as she struggled to get free then eventually sobbed into my shirt. I wanted to break down and cry too, but I knew there would be plenty of time for that. When she finally calmed down, I passed her off to her mother and walked away with my goodbye still stuck in my throat.

After District Thirteen rescued us from Twelve and the rebel victors from the arena, we all needed some time to adjust. But Katniss never adjusted. She spent the majority of her time hiding from the rest of the world. There was nothing anyone could do or say to draw her out, not even me or her sister. After about a week, it became clear the only person who could ever bring her back would be Peeta. That turned out to be true when the first televised interview came from the Capitol. All it took was a glimpse of him to revive her. She literally ran to the screen and wouldn't move until it was over. Shortly after, the rebellion had its Mockingjay. Then when she realized how Snow was torturing Peeta to break her, she all but gave up. Her level of hysteria was beyond anything I had ever seen, except maybe when she thought Peeta was killed by the force field. As I watched them sedate her and take her back underground, the only thought I could form was, "She loves him." I knew it before, but it became crystal clear that day. That's why I volunteered for the rescue team. If bringing Peeta back was the only thing that could keep her alive, then I had to try. Selfishly, I hoped she would find out I volunteered and…. I don't know exactly. But ironically, saving him was the only chance I had left to win her over.

My last ditch effort proved to be worthless. Peeta came back programmed to kill Katniss. After he tried to strangle her, she basically shut down. We were both sent to District Two, but she wasn't really there. She stared out the window while everyone talked. There was one night when she kissed me, and I felt a small spark of hope. But even if her lips were on mine, her mind was a million miles away. It was like kissing someone who was drunk. Eventually the Nut fell, Katniss was shot, and we all returned to Thirteen. Katniss was fine other than some broken ribs, thanks to her stylist Cinna. Peeta started taking baby steps on the way to recovery, and by the time we were sent to the Capital the precautions to keep her safe were all requested by him. Even after he tried to kill her a second time, she was doing everything she could to bring the real Peeta back. She even kissed him when he refused to come with us, right in the middle of his hijacking relapse. I wanted to push her out of the way, but I don't think he could have hurt her then even if he wanted to. Pollux, Cressida, and I watched as his love for her won out over the crazy impulse to strangle her. I thought I somewhat understood how he felt.

And now, the day has finally come for Katniss to execute President Snow. Before today, however, Coin implemented what I know had to be my plans and killed hundreds of children and rebel medics. Including Primrose Everdeen. There's no getting around that for Katniss or for me. Of course, there's no way to know for sure if my trap killed her sister, but the possibility will make her hate me forever. The only advantage I have ever had over Peeta was keeping her family safe, and I failed at that. Now we stand here, staring at our reflections in the mirror, and there's no resemblance between the two people staring back at us and the two kids who escaped to the woods back in District Twelve. We're too different to ever repair the damage between us. She will return to District Twelve, marry Peeta, and live as happily as any of us can after what we've been through. I'll go anywhere else and try to start over. With a sigh, I hand her the single arrow and walk away. After all the times we've said goodbye, the pain in my chest reminds me it's real this time. I've lost my best friend forever. Maybe someday in the future she will forgive me, but not today.

You and I were friends from outer space
Afraid to let go
The only two who understood this place
And as far as we know…