Share Group
Summary: In order to pass the time, Faith joins a share group in prison, though mainly so she can laugh at everyone else's problems.
"Miss Lehane? Would you like to share anything today?" The guard serving as the leader of the share groups asks, as always.
And, as always, Faith shakes her head. "Pass." She says nonchalantly, hiding her laughter expertly. The last girl that just shared was talking about an addiction to cocaine. Seriously, cocaine? That's your problem? Then fucking quit doing it! Okay, sure, it was harder than just quitting, Faith knew that had to be the case, but when you're the Slayer, and your problem is that you're supposed to be out there, slaying vampires and demons every night, saving the world, but instead you turned against the only people who've ever really cared about you, killed humans, and turned yourself in to the police and got yourself thrown in prison, everyone else's problems seem much more insignificant.
"Come on, Faith. It feels good to just get it off your chest." Another inmate says.
"Pass." Faith says again, insistently.
"Why'd you join this share group if you're not going to share?" The leader asks.
"So I can laugh at all of you guys' problems." Faith admits. "It's kinda pathetic."
The cocaine girl glares at her. "Oh yeah? And your problem is so much worse, is it? Fine, then why don't you just fucking tell us what it is, put us in our place?"
"'Cause then I'd miss out on my quality entertainment." Faith spits back.
"If you think you're so much better than all of us, you're wrong!" Coke girl shouts. "You got locked up just like the rest of us! You got caught doing whatever it is you were doing, and you got locked up!"
"Actually, I turned myself in." Faith sighs, effectively shutting Coke girl up.
"Wait, what?" Another inmate asks.
"Yeah. Turned myself in. Walked right into the police station and gave a full confession."
"Why'd you do that?" The leader asks.
Faith sighs. "Wanna know what I'm in for? Fine. It was an accident. I accidentally killed a guy. Me and... a friend... we were out, causin' a bit of trouble, and we were fightin'... this gang, right? So, we grab the only things available as weapons, these wooden poles, and we break them off. We beat up the gang, but one of them starts to get away. My... friend... goes all vigilante and shit on him, grabbin' him and throwin' him towards me. I'm startled, and I accidentally stab the guy with my broken piece of wood. I killed him, and I freaked. Hid the body, but it was found. I went about my life, tryin' to put it behind me, 'cause there was no way to trace the guy back to me, I'd never even seen him before. I got a job for this guy,and he found out I'd killed someone, and he told me to kill someone else, and I just did it. My friend found out and confronted me about it, and we fought. I made a big mistake, and I turned my back on the only people who'd ever cared about me, and I spiralled down from there. I beat a few people up just for the hell of it, and I got some sense talked into me, so I turned myself in."
One of the inmates snickers. "I thought you said your problems were worse than ours. I'm a serial killer. I've taken the lives of seven men. You've only killed two, and beat some others up, and you think you got it worse than me?"
"Do you feel guilty for killing those men?" Faith asks.
"Bitch, I am guilty."
"No, I mean... do you regret it? Do you see their faces in your sleep at night, every night, then wake up feeling sick to your stomach, still feeling their blood on your hands, and you scrub them raw with your sheets tryin' to get it off, but you just can't?" Tears roll down Faith's cheeks, and the other inmates all just stare at her in shock as she pours her heart out. "Do you wish you could go back and change it all, go back and just fuckin' kill yourself before you ever went to that town? That town where you finally found that you actually had a heart, because you found people who cared about you, and taught you to care about yourself, as well as them? Or wish you could go back and just tell that girl... tell that girl you called your friend what you'd been thinking of? Wish you could go back and just tackle yourself before you killed that first person, and prevent your life from spiralling out of control? Tell me, honestly. Are you so consumed by your guilt that you wish you could just end your life so it would all go away? Wish you could just go to Hell already and get punished for your crimes, then maybe get another chance so you could try again and not fuck everything up? Want nothing more than to go back to that night, at the club, when you were just dancing with your friend, and not leave that club, because that's when it happened? When you left that club, that's when you found the gang, and that's when you first killed that first guy, do you wish you could just go back then and not leave the club, and instead just keep dancing?"
Everyone starts clapping softly when Faith grows quiet. "Thanks for sharing." Coke Girl says sincerely, and everyone else murmurs their agreement.
...
Faith gets back to her cell, feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders.
What the hell happened back there? She wonders. That... That felt good... letting all that shit out... That felt good.
Faith is definitely looking forward to tomorrow's share group.
...
His face again. Finch. Deputy Mayor Allan Finch. Twisted in pain as he bleeds out. Faith watches as the light leaves his eyes. She's stunned on the outside, unable to react. But on the inside, she's screaming, sobbing.
The second face. Professor Lester Worth. Faith watches in fascination as his own light leaves his eyes, smiling as she watches the color drain from his face, and his blood pouring out of his body. But on the inside, she's screaming, sobbing.
She's standing in a cemetery, looking down at a grave. Somehow, this scene is ten times worse than the previous two. She looks down at the words on the marker, expressionless. But on the inside, she's screaming, sobbing. "Buffy Anne Summers", the marker reads. It's the same dream Faith has every night. But this time is different. Instead, this time, Faith slumps to the ground and hugs her knees to her chest, finally letting her emotions show. And on the outside, she's screaming, sobbing, shaking and breaking.
...
Faith wakes up in a cold sweat, and notices she has tears on her cheeks. She reaches up and wipes them away, then rolls out of bed and begins her morning routine. She drops to the ground and does a hundred push-ups, then rolls over on her back and does a hundred sit-ups. She has a bar hanging from the ceiling, so she reaches up and grabs it, pulling herself up. She does a hundred pull-ups like that, then drops to the ground just in time for her cell to open for a guard to take her to share group.
...
"Faith, would you like to share anything today?" The leader of the share group asks. Everyone else sighs, thinking she'd go back to her usual self and say "Pass".
But Faith surprises them all when she sighs and says, "Yeah... I got somethin'."
"Well then... by all means. What's on your mind?"
Faith closes her eyes and sighs. "You know... I was on the track before I came here... Had someone who was willin' to work with me, help me be better. But... It wasn't good enough. Not enough to just be better, I needed to do the time, get punished for the bad shit I've done... But I wasn't gonna do it... I was gonna ignore it and just be good from then on... But then... I had a run in with that friend I mentioned yesterday. The one that was with me in that alley. She, um... we fought again. I mean, really fought. Fists and everything. Finally, I tried to apologize, but she just punched me again. She told me not to even bother apologizin', 'cause she didn't wanna hear it. She said some other stuff... Like how, even after everythin' she'd been through in her life, and she's been through a lot of shit, I was the only one who'd ever made her feel like a victim. It... It hurt... Anyway, that's why I'm in here. For her. I want to try and redeem myself in her eyes, because her's is the only opinion that matters to me." Faith admits, then takes a deep breath before she made the final step. Once she said it, there was no going back. Finally prepared, she says it out loud. "Because I'm in love with her."
Everyone gasps out loud, and she nods. "Yeah, it's true... I'm in love with my best friend, and it's a girl. I'm not gay or anythin', it's just her. Only her. I'm in love with a girl. I'm in love with the girl who unintentionally convinced me to turn myself in. I'm in love with Buffy Summers."
The girl sitting next to Faith pats her on the shoulders. "I'm sorry." She says sincerely, and Faith nods.
"When I get outta here... when my time's up... I'm gonna go to her. 'Cause she's the reason I wanna be better. As soon as I'm outta here, I'm gonna go to her, and I'm gonna tell her how I really feel about her. And I'm gonna beg her to give me another chance to be her friend. Not gonna ask for anythin' more, 'cause I don't have the right to ask for more. But I can't not have her in my life."
...
A week later. Visiting Day...
Faith was very surprised when she heard she had a visitor, but even more surprised when she saw who it was.
"Buffy?" Faith whispers when she sees the blonde sitting behind the glass.
Buffy picks up the phone on her side of the glass and holds it to her ear. Faith slowly does the same.
"Hey... Faith." Buffy says awkwardly.
"Buffy..." Faith whispers again.
"Yeah, it's me..."
"What... What are you doin' here?" Faith asks, breaking out of her stupor
"I... Angel called... He said he got a phone call from a security guard here... And that the guard told him you needed to see me. The guard didn't give any details, but said that it was important. So... what's up...?"
Instantly, Faith knew who it was, and she smiled. Anna, the share group leader, and Faith had grown pretty close over the past week, as Faith shared more and more with the group, and they'd begun hanging out outside of the group. And as a high-ranking guard in the prison, Anna had access to Faith's contact information. Angel's number was the only one in her file, so Anna must have contacted him about Buffy.
Note to self: Give Anna a big kiss next time I see her. Faith thought to herself.
"What are you smiling about?" Buffy asks.
Faith shakes her head. "Just... Happy to see you, B."
Buffy knits her eyebrows together. "Why? Why the hell would you be happy to see me?"
Faith sighs. It's time. It's time Buffy knows the truth.
"Because I've got a lot of shit to tell you, B. And I don't have much time to say it, so I'd appreciate it if you could just let me say it all before you cut me off and storm away."
Buffy recoils, but nods. "Alright. Speak."
"Woof." Faith jokes, then closes her eyes as she begins to speak. "I love you, Buffy. I don't mean it in a sarcastic, "I'm taunting you, then I'm gonna kill you" way. I don't mean it as friends, or sisters, or anythin' like that. I mean it. I'm in love with you, and I have been since I met you. I had a helluva way of showin' it, I know, and I made some really bad choices that I really wish I hadn't made, because they made you hate me, and they ruined any chance of havin' somethin' with ya that I might have had. But it's the truth, B. And nothin' but the truth. I'm in love with you. You're the reason I'm in here willingly, instead of in here because I got caught doin' somethin' else I'm really not supposed to. You make me wanna be better, Buffy. You make me wanna fix myself, and be better. Your opinion is the only thing that matters to me anymore, and even if you never trust me again, even if all I'll ever be to you is that fucked up girl who tortured your friends, slept with your boyfriend, and killed two men, I'll still spend the rest of my life tryin' to make you believe in me again. Because I'm in love with you."
Buffy listens to Faith, silent the whole time. And when Faith finally stops talking, Buffy stays silent.
"Buffy?" Faith asks, worried, because she's running out of time. "Say somethin', please, Buffy."
Buffy opens her mouth but no sounds come out. Faith wipes away tears and nods. "It's okay. I get it. I meant what I said, though. I'm not gonna stop tryin' to redeem myself. When my time's up... When I get outta here... I'm gonna redeem myself in your eyes. Or I'm gonna die tryin', 'cause I'm never gonna give up." Faith presses her hand against the glass as an oath.
Buffy closes her eyes, anda bell rings, signaling that their time is up. Faith's heart falls as Buffy hangs up her phone without even saying goodbye, then stands up and walks away, leaving Faith sitting there at the window, hand still pressed against the glass, phone still to her ear.