When Barnaby held him in his arms, he couldn't help but think,
'Oh, God, I killed him.'
When Kotetsu smiled up at him, as though it would be all right, he felt like a traitor, dirty and undeserving. Now he was holding his partner with his hands, but just a moment ago it was those hands that pulled the trigger – to the gun that killed his friend.
He looked at the pathetic state that his partner was in, looking more vulnerable than he'd ever seen him, and it was gutting, heart wrenching, and the only thing he could think was 'I killed him, he's going to die, it's my fault, what have I done, I killed him' and it took all of the energy in his body to stop himself from sobbing and falling into a messy heap on the floor, to stop shouting, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' but sorry would not bring him back, sorry would not change the irreversible fact that he was the one who killed him.
'No, no – he's not dead yet, he's not dead,' Barnaby chanted to himself, desperately, but he'd rather that Kotetsu were. If he survived, he'd only hate him – hate him for almost killing him, hate him and leave him alone as though he were dead anyway, hate him for not noticing in time that his powers deactivated. Declining – what a joke! How could someone like that old man have managed to hide something so important for so long?
That's what he thought, but then Kotetsu, still with that stupid grin on his face, began to talk as though he really were going to die, and that's when it hit home – Kotetsu was going to die, he was going to leave him, he was never going to come back, just like his parents did. He didn't want this – he'd rather that Kotetsu were alive, healthy, and wanting revenge on him, not Kotetsu dead and unfeeling, dead and not beside him!
Maybe if he did die, then his daughter would just turn into another NEXT seeking revenge, wasting her whole life on searching out her father's killer – she would just turn into another Barnaby Brooks Jr. He didn't want that, no, he wouldn't want anyone to go through what he'd gone through! But what Kotetsu didn't realize was that it wasn't only his daughter that needed him, that would kill his murderer given the chance, but Barnaby, too – he needed him, he needed him next to him, if Kotetsu died…
He'd do anything, say anything, anything if it meant that he wouldn't leave him – anything if it meant that he wouldn't die, if he could hear him at least say, 'I hate you', but even as he lay dying, Kotetsu showed no hatred, no loathing, and it only made Barnaby even more desperate to keep him alive.
All the things that he wanted to say to him, all the important things he wanted to say, he couldn't, and in the end all he could blubber on about was fried rice, but at the moment, it was important to him, it was Kotetsu that made him want to learn, and that's why he should stay alive but the stupid old man only laughed at him and-
He couldn't even say goodbye.