Angel in my Pocket (OK, this is my one Destiel story. It won't impsct my other stuff, it's a one off and it's PG13, as per the rules of this site.) You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin',
I'm gonna send you back to schoolin',
Way down inside honey, you need it,
I'm gonna give you my love,
I'm gonna give you my love.
Wanna Whole Lotta Love [X4] Whole Lotta Love, Led Zepplin
Cass appeared in Dean's room. He stood there in the gloom and watched Dean as he snored and heard him talk in his sleep. It never occurred to him to wake Dean. As an angel and an immortal being, he didn't really have a sense of urgency.
Cass remembered sleeping and envied Dean the pleasure. That luxurious fog of twilight, the relaxing of the muscle, the refreshment of waking. One of the many human things Cass missed.
Dean snorted. Cass had watched Dean sleep enough times to know his friend was going to wake up and stumble to the bathroom. Dean's eyes fluttered open and he sat up, rubbed his face. He turned to stand and saw Cass.
"What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to kill me?" He asked.
Cass nodded. "Yes. Though perhaps I should have done it in your sleep. You are annoyingly proficient in self-defense."
"Annoyingly?" Dean asked assuming Cass was joking.
"Well, perhaps not to me, but there are those..."
"Yeah. Why are you here?"
"I need your help."
Dean nodded. "Shoot."
Cass hesitated at the irony. "I have received orders to kill someone."
"And you need me why?"
"This will be difficult for me. I need to make sure I have someone with me..."
"Who is it? A friend? A kid?"
"I'd rather not talk about it. Would you?"
Dean didn't even think about it. "I got your back, Cass."
Castiel nodded. "I'll wait in the car."
Dean watched the angel walk off.
Dean went into Sammy's room. It was quiet, Sam slept soundly and quietly.
Dean shook him. Sam started awake.
"What?" He blurted.
"Nothing. Cass wants me to run an errand with him. I'll be back soon."
"Want me to come?" Sam asked rubbing his eyes.
"No, you stay here and finish that research. I'll be back soon."
Sam nodded. "Watch your back?" Sam called after him as he rolled back into bed.
"That's what I got Cass for."
The road rolled on beneath them and Cass sat in the passenger seat. He had the window rolled down and was playing with the wind, letting it run over his hand as they sped through the night.
"I miss flying," Castiel offered. "But I suppose this is for the best. I need time to think." Cass replied, still looking out the window.
"About what?"
"Me." He said.
"Hum, soul searching," Dean replied.
"I'm not really sure I have a soul. Lately, I feel like I am in a crucible. Like I am being altered, shaped by flame."
"That is some deep stuff." Cass nodded. "Why do you think that?"
"Because. I have been given orders. Told things. I mean, it's everything that happened since I met you. Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, I shot you."
Cass nodded. "Lifting you from hell should have been a job given to a better angel than me, a cherub or an archangel. But I was called. I puzzled over that for the longest time."
"You were clearly the best man for the job."
"Was I? Everything I have ever done has caused more pain."
"You saying you should have left me there?" Dean asked.
"Not at all. I'm saying that it should have been someone more worthy."
"Cass, the truth is I hate angels. I think they are all arrogant douche bags. All except you. Truth, brother. You were the only man for the job. I'd have told the rest of them to shove it."
"Well, I thank you for your vote of confidence."
"No Dude. You earned it. You're the real deal."
"I don't know what I am anymore. But more and more, I am seeing the events of the past as a pattern. Nature abhors a vacuum and every action we undertook lead us to the next. For a long time, I thought those actions were wrong, but I see now they were part of a complex pattern, a crucible. "
"What the hell is going on with you?" Dean asked suddenly.
Cass sighed and looked away. "I have been given a choice," Cass said. His voice was heavy and he couldn't look at Dean.
"What choice?" Dean asked.
"I must either return to the fold or go my own way. If I go back, I can never return here."
"Oh," Dean said.
"There is more. I would have to prove my loyalty and set things back in balance."
"And how would you do that?"
"I would have to kill you, Dean."
Dean nodded . "Kill me?"
"Apparently all this was set in motion by your resurrection. If I kill you, as you should have stayed dead. The universe resets. It all goes back to the way it was. All the monsters back in their boxes."
"Well, what's your plan here?"
"I thought we might ride around and talk." Cass said and looked out the window."
"Make a few memories?" Dean asked.
"Clear my head, Dean. Honestly, I don't care about going back. I prefer the Earth. But can I really be so selfish as to sacrifice the whole world for one man? The whole Universe. Even a man I love?"
Dean cleared his throat. "That's nice Cass," he said, uncomfortably.
"I've made you uncomfortable."
"No, no..."
"Dean, as an angel, I am a cosmic vibration of love."
"Good to know."
"Though there is something to be said for affection in the connubial entwine."
"I think that's the filthiest thing I've ever heard. So, have humans and angels ever, you know?"
"Yes, in the First City. The one Cain built. Angels saw the daughters of men and found them beautiful. You know this story. The Nephilim."
Dean nodded. "But what if there couldn't be children."
"Are you coming on to me?" Castiel asked and glared at Dean.
"No, Dude, no. Just...perverse curiosity. Are there gay angels?"
"We seem to have struck upon a tangent."
"Yeah, sorry. I guess I prefer even that topic to you killing me."
"You make it sound unpleasant," Cass said, confused.
"No, it's just well, it's complicated. Can we talk about killing me?"
"I have made you uncomfortable. "
"Yes, Cass, it's not something guys talk about."
"Is it something guys do?" Castiel asked, his eyebrow raising as he looked at Dean.
"Some guys, I don't know." Dean hesitated. "I mean, maybe once, with the right guy. Just to experiment, you know?"
Castiel nodded sagely. "I do not want to kill you." He said finally. "I would prefer to make love with you."
Dean sighed and nodded his head. He rolled his eyes a little in shock.
"Well, ok then."
Cass looked up hopefully. Dean pulled over to the side of the road. He turned Baby off and leaned back in the seat, his hands trembling. Dean was as straight as they come, but this was Cass. How much water was under that bridge? How much did he owe him? Love him? Was there anything he could deny him?
Uncomfortable, nervous, but still intrigued, Dean steadied his shaky hands and took in a deep breath. "Fine, let's do this."
"Dean if you are uncomfortable..." He cut Cass off by pressing his lips to the angel's hard. After a startled moment, his friend returned the kiss. He became very aware he was breaking a rule, What would Sam think? His Dad? No matter how good this felt, something in him resisted.
He leaned back abruptly and sighed. "Ok, I decided you can kill me." He said.
When he turned back to Castiel, the sight horrified him. The blue eyes almost bled pain. A glisten of a tear lit a fire there, a fire of pain, rejection.
"I didn't mean. Look, Cass, it's complicated. I, you know, I love you. Man, you're like family."
"So this is an incest prohibition..."
"No dude. you're a dude. I've never done this before and frankly never even thought I would. But... I mean, I... I don't want to hurt you or anything..."
"But you are not interested in this body. I might find a female to inhabit."
"Really? No. I mean no, it's not that. It wouldn't be you..."
"But it would be me. This body isn't me. If you saw me, your eyes would burn out and your flesh would explode..."
"Well, there's a sexy visual."
"Don't deflect with sarcasm."
"I don't so that," Dean said, defiantly.
"That is your trademark, Dean." Cass returned and looked out the window.
"Look, I want to do this. I mean certain parts of me are a little over anxious if you know what I mean. I really do love you. But you know this world, and how big a deal this whole thing is."
Cass nodded not looking back.
"Fine. Whatever you want." Dean sat for a moment and then reached out and gently touched Castiel's hair.
Cass turned, his eyes still fire, but this time a different blaze. This was passion and love and hunger. When that look flashed, an electric current ran through Dean. Impulsively, he leaned forward and kissed Castiel again but this time he was lost in the lust of the press of his best friend's lips.
'You want this, Dean and you know it. It's Cass, not some guy. You want him, take him." His brain screamed and he was barely conscious of Cass pushing him back.
"What? Sh!" Dead said and leaned forward again but was repelled with more force.
"I don't want you to feel guilt or strange later." Cass offered
"Would you shut up..." Again he leaned forward and again was repelled.
"There are a million inhabited worlds and in each, there are different rules for sex. This one is very repressed. But love, Dean, love is an expression that is never wrong. And I love you. And I am an expert on this."
"Being a cosmic vibration of love," Dean said with a slight smile.
"Exactly. Now, where were we."
Dean leaned forward and loosened Castiel's tie as his tongue explored the angel's mouth. Expertly, he pushed his best friend into the back seat of the Impala and began a painstaking exploration of the body that wasn't really Cass but would do for the moment.
It was different than with girls. Laying here afterward, instead of a soft head on his chest, Cas lay next to him, equal. It was nice. He searched for the awkward feelings he figured he'd have after becoming bi-sexual.
"You're not bi-sexual." Castiel offered.
"Are you reading my mind?"
"How can I not, you're thinking so loud. Sex and love are different things. You've had sex with people you didn't love?"
"Sure. Paid for it a time or two." Dean said.
"Well, then, sometimes sex can be only an expression of love. Can you think of another male you would want to have sex with?"
"Henry Rollins, but that's more of a rock and roll thing." Dean offered, sarcastically.
"Are you ever serious?"
"Not if I can help it. So, ae you going to off me now?" He asked.
"I don't know. It's the whole world, Dean. The whole Universe. We could be together in heaven."
"What about Sammy?"
"What about me?" Came a voice from the front seat of the car.
Dean scrambled for his gun and brought it up. "Seriously, Squirrel. I adore you but you lack a certain creativity in response."
"How long have you been here?" Dean demanded.
"Since the Elizabethan age at least. Relax, I'm not going to judge you, though I might later petition for the middle of your little sandwich there."
"What do you want, Crowley?" Castiel asked and grabbed his pants.
"I think I've made that abundantly clear, but I'll settle for an encore." Both of them gave him an evil glare as they dressed. "Fine, but I am a clever playmate. I heard you had come to kill our Squirrel."
"And you came to protect me?" Dean asked.
"Sure. Whatever. I came to plead my case." Crowley said.
"Your case?" Dean roared as his tee shirt got stuck over his head.
"Yes, Dean, my case. By the by, Castiel, I think this is a better way to get in someone's pants then the whole "I'm going to war schtick"."
Dean glared at Cass. Cass shrugged. "No, I'm really supposed to kill you."
"Oh, OK..."
"So when's the wedding?" Crowley asked. "Are you registered yet?"
"Fuck off, Crowley." They said in unison.
"Oh, right, my case. Well, I know right about now our angelic buddy here is a bit of a moral quandary. I mean, your love of the world. Wooo, I bet if you have a conscience that is a doozy."
"Get on with it," Dean said,
"Well, OK, follow me here. What's done is done and even if you could change it, should you? I mean, haven't we all had our arses kicked for that before?"
"I doubt this is the same. I have been told by Heaven..."
"Like they told you to kill a Nephilim? How'd that work out?"
"That was Metatron..." Cass said, confused.
"The whole place if full of shit, Castiel. Why do you insist on clinging to that antiquated belief that anyone has anything but their own agenda? I mean, seriously? How many trips to the woodshed do you need?"
"I hate this, but I go to agree with him. And not just because you'd have to kill me. I mean, you know, Cass, whatever you decide, I'm with you. I trust you." Dean said.
"And that is love,"Crowley said with a fake, almost grotesque smile.
"What?" They both said.
"Look here, faces that launch a thousand ships, Taj Mahal. Forget all that Agape stuff. Real love starts wars and builds monuments. It is active and it's selfish and greedy and childish. It's the Id in action. And what is more important that the object, the generator of that kind of power? Look here, you've been given a bad choice here, mate. Either you can fix something that ain't broke..."
"I'd argue there," Dean said.
"Really? The world is what it is. Will changing things really change things? Will people be less violent, angry, pitiful, sad? No, they will be exactly the same."
"Point!" Dean said.
"In fact, I'd argue some of them have even learned a lesson. Things are a bit roomier."
"What is your angle here?" Cas asked.
"Come on, I'm practically transparent. Business is really good for my kind now. More souls in play, separated from bodies. I love this new age. But it's not just me. Angels have free will, The darkness and Chuck are off on some kind of sibling honeymoon. Things are just cheeky."
"Still..." Cass said.
"Real love, Castiel. Look into your programming or whatever. It moves mountains and it goes by the heart. Do you want to hurt Dean?"
"No, however, I have decided an aneurysm. Quick and relatively painless."
"So, you've thought this through?" Dean asked, shocked.
"Yes. I gave it a great deal of thought. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Well, I don't want to die." Dean charged.
"That hulking beast you call a brother will drag you back. Look here, Just ask your heart, Castiel." Crowley said.
"That sounds so strange coming from you." Dean offered.
"It physically pains me to say it," Crowley said.
Crowley threw the door of the Impala open and slid out.
"Where are you going?" Dean asked.
"I need to think." He said and vanished into the woods next to the road.
"So much for your post-coitus cuddle," Crowley said viciously.
"I have never wanted to kill you more than I do right now."
"Not even when I screwed you over and took the Demon Tablet?"
"OK, second most..."
"He'll be fine." Crowley undid his tie "So, round two with a professional?" He grinned and leaned back, his lips puckered.
Dean shoved him, hard. Crowley laughed and disappeared.
Dean leaned back and worried about Cass.
Cass walked. He had to admit, Crowley made a lot of sense. And he didn't want to kill Dean. Not the pain. And as an angel, Castiel knew he and Dean would be together no matter what.
No, it was love. He knew Dean lived, clung to life more fiercely than Dean. How could he take from his best friend the thing most important to him?
But, the world. The whole world. The endless ripples of all of their mistakes overturned in a brief, bitter act. Millions given back life. Babies born who fell out of possibility during all the proceeding death.
But how could he trust Heaven? No, Only Dean. That was all he could trust.
He didn't even know who to pray to. He was on his own more completely than ever. No bended knee would bring his wisdom.
And still, in faith he whispered. "Give me a sign."
He waited for a long moment and... nothing.
Dean would submit and that would make it even worse.
He moved again, stumbling through the underbrush, scratching his hands and face on brambles and branches and suddenly broke through. There in the silence of the night was a little church. Barely a building, it would hold maybe four or five people.
He walked to it, there in a Jacob's Ladder of moonlight. As if God or someone was pointing it out. He approached it, caught in the wonder of the moment. Not for a long time had he felt in the presence of the divine spirit but now, his lips moved in the old Litany "Holy, Holy, Holy".
It seemed to beacon to him. He moved to it, up the steps. The door swung open, rotted and almost falling off the hinges.
He moved inside and looked around. Plants were taking over the room and small animals scurried in the dark corners.
And he was not afraid, for that presence was with him, that spirit and he was, again, for just this moment, that Angel of the Lord.
He sat in the front pew and looked up. There, over the dais was a gorgeous stained glass window. the only thing in the room that seemed to have endured the ravaged of nature.
Suddenly, the moon moved and illuminated the stained glass. There in the middle of it was a bible verse.
"What profit it a man to gain the whole world, lest he loose his soul."
He nodded.
He stood and walked back to the car and Dean.
Dean was dressed and sitting in the driver's seat, listening to music. He was still unsure what to feel. Would things be different, were they a couple now? Did they hold hands in public and move in together? This was a totally new territory. Hell, would it even matter? Would Cass really choose him over the whole world? And why not, hadn't he done the same for him?
The only thing he knew was that he loved Cass, just as much as he had before. The way he felt was no different.
He noticed a dent in the edge of the door and his mind seized on it to end the thoughts.
"Son of a bitch!" he said.
"I missed you, too." Cass offered from the edge of the road."
"Oh, no, um. There's a... You feeling better?" Dean flustered.
"Yes. I have figured it out."
"Oh, OK, well, then... Let's do this." Dean offered. He stood and spread out his arms. "Hit me."
He heard a slight chuckle. "I'm not going to kill you, Dean. Crowley is right."
"Ouch, that must hurt to say. So you agree with all that don't change the past stuff?"
"Sure, Yeah, but not the point. Love is selfish and I could not take from you the one thing you cherish above all else. life. It would hurt me." Castiel offered.
"OK. Good. So... What now?"
"We should find a restaurant. you haven't eaten in several hours and I think the cholesterol in your blood is approaching normal."
"No, I mean. You know, what do we do now... Are we, you know. a thing?" Dean asked.
"Is that a marriage proposal?" Cass asked with a smile.
"Screw you."
"As I recall..."
"Not funny," Dean said, red with embarrassment.
"Does anything have to change? Do we not love one another? Are you not my brother, my best friend? Maybe someday we'll have sex again. maybe not. Can't we just love the moment without trying to make it something else?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that. Cass and Dean, getting their asses kicked for the Lord."
Cass smiled. He walked over and pulled Dean close. he placed a small, sweet kiss on his forehead.
"That is forever, my other." He said.
Dean looked deeply into his eyes and nodded. "I need a burger." He said, but not uncomfortably.
Cass nodded and walked around the car and got in.
"So does this mean I can pick the music sometimes?" Cass said reaching for the radio.
"I'll cut it off. " Dean replied and Baby ripped to life. "So, what about heaven. This will piss them off, won't it?" Dean asked.
"Heaven isn't my family anymore. Hasn't been for a long time." And they drove into the night.
Heaven must be missin' an angel
Missin' one angel child
'Cause you're here with me right now
(your love is heavenly, baby)
(heavenly to me, baby) Tavares, Heaven must be missing an angel