DISCLAIMER.

All things Harry Potter belong to J. .

NO.

Nonononononono.

Oh,fuck.

Double that. I am at the moment sitting in my relatively new bed in Potter Manor probably sporting a striking resemblance to a fish.

The culprit?

That book on the floor. You see, for the past few months I had been feeling… weird; and I decided to look into it.

Three words:

I

Am

Pregnant.

But, you're a man, you'd say. Well, duh. But, hey I am also a wizard and you never know what a magic wand might do. Oh, that was lame and I am laughing? Calm down the hysterical laughter, Potter! Really, it isn't funny. I am sobbing or laughing? Oh god, I am a madman.

Well, magic is one of the book's accomplice in humiliating me, then.

Although, in hindsight, I know who is my dignity's murderer.

The one and only Sirius Black. Believed killed two years ago, he came back to life with a couple in tow in Christmas of my sixth year.

The couple, it turns out, were my parents; that Sirius with his trademark recklessness and foolhardiness snatched from Death's clutches. The reunion was teary and sentimental, but soon enough everyone was settled. When, my family- God, doesn't that sound right? - asked me to go to Potter Manor I readily agreed. I had notions of talking with me Mum, flying with my Dad and fooling around with Sirius. I never expected to have sex with Sirius. However, I will confess that my feelings for him weren't…aren't…exactly fraternal.

He was drunk, I was in awe of him and we were alone. I genuinely thought we could be a couple from then on. It was not to be. Black, who shall be named like that, called it a fuck of all things. I didn't dare mention to him that I the night I lost my virginity wasn't going to be considered a fuck. He went and left me with this thing (really, I should look if it is boy or girl). According to the book male pregnancies last about 5 months and are very difficult to spot, because the stomach doesn't grow. No, I still don't have a uterus, thank you very much. At least I passed most of my time pregnant unaware and relaxed. Now, the big problem is when I appear with a baby at Hogwarts. Because I am not staying here waiting for my child to be born. I am going on a vacation to… Russia! That should do. I hope my not-so little secret stays uncovered. I wouldn't like my Dad to throttle one of his best friends to death and to be sent to Azkaban. After all, I just got them back from Death!

….

Honestly, can my life be more insane?

Curse you, Black!