Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, its characters, or the song "Motherlover."
"Just out of curiosity, what are you guys doing for Mother's Day?" Artie asked the members of the McKinley High glee club on a sunny day in May.
"Giving her a bouquet of flowers," shrugged Mike.
"Bringing her breakfast in bed," answered Sam, "then babysitting my younger siblings for the day."
"My mom and I always go out for a nice dinner," said Mercedes fondly.
"Oh you know, just visiting her at the cemetery," said Kurt far too casually, causing many awkward looks of pity from the group.
Artie broke the tension, "I want to do something special, but I don't want to be too cliché. I just don't know what to do."
"Wait, is Mother's Day this weekend already?" asked Puck, looking panicked.
"Yeah," said Mercedes bluntly. "Don't tell me you forgot?"
"I didn't forget!" protested Puck. "I just lost track of the date, that's all." Mercedes rolled her eyes at him.
"Tell you what," said Artie, "since we both need gifts, we can figure something out together later. How about it?"
"Okay, I'm in," Puck responded. "If you can save my ass this weekend, I'll save yours sometime. Just tell who needs a beating and they'll get one."
"Deal," accepted Artie, and they shook hands.
The two boys met outside in the McKinley High parking lot after school, brainstorming ideas of what to do for Mother's Day. Both were lost in thought until Puck broke the silence.
Puck: Oh, dang.
Artie: What is it, dawg?
Puck: I forgot it's Mother's Day.
Artie: Didn't get a gift for her.
Puck: Other plans got in the way. She'll be so disappointed.
Artie: Damn, I forgot it too.
Puck: This could have been avoided.
Both: What the hell are we gonna do?
Artie: My mom's been so forlorn ever since my daddy left.
Puck: Cold.
Artie: No one to hold her tight. Life has put her to the test.
Puck: I know just what you mean. My mom's been so sad and gray.
Artie: Word.
Puck: My dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away.
Both: Hold up.
Puck: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Artie: I'm thinkin' I'm thinkin' too.
Both: Slow up.
Puck: What time is it, dawg?
Artie: It's time for a switcheroo.
Both: We both love our moms, women with grown-women needs.
I say we break 'em off. Show 'em how much they really mean.
'Cause I'm a motherlover,
You're a motherlover,
We should fuck each other's mothers.
Puck: Fuck each other's moms!
You've seen that place that you came out as a baby.
Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy.
Fuck each other's moms!
Both: 'Cause every Mother's Day needs a mother's night.
If doing it is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I'm callin' on you, 'cause I can't do it myself.
To me you're like a brother, so be my motherlover.
Puck: I'm layin' in the cut, waitin' for your mom, Clutchin' on this lube and roses.
Artie: I got my digital camera, I'm gonna make your mama do a million poses.
Puck: They will be so surprised.
Artie: We are so cool and thoughtful.
Puck: Can't wait to pork your mom.
Artie: I'm gonna be the syrup, she can be my waffle.
Both: Sho 'nuff.
Artie: My mother loves bubble bath with chamomile.
Both: Straight up.
Puck: Give it to my mom d-d-d-d-d-d-doggy-style.
Both: This the perfect plan for a perfect Mother's Day.
They'll have to rename this one All Up Under the Covers Day.
'Cause I'm a motherlover, You're a motherlover.
We should fuck each other's mothers.
PUCK: Fuck each other's moms!
I'll push in that place where you came out as a baby.
Ain't no doubt that shit is crazy.
Fuck each other's moms!
Break it down.
It would be my honor to be your new stepfather.
Artie: It would be my honor to be your new stepfather.
Puck: I'll let you do my mother, make me another brother.
And I'm gonna do your mother, I'll never use a rubber.
Artie: Oh!
Both: 'Cause every Mother's Day needs a mother's night.
If doing it is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I'm callin' on you, 'cause I can't do it myself.
To me you're like a brother, so be my motherlover.
They blessed us both with the gift of life.
She brought you in this world, so I'mma sex her right.
This is the second-best idea that we've ever had.
The choice can be no other.
Be my motherlover!
"You got any ideas, dude?" Puck asked Artie.
"After thinking it over, I'm going to take her to see a movie. We'll see anything she wants, no matter how sappy it is," he answered.
"Hmmmmm…" Puck contemplated aloud. "That's not a bad idea. Mind if I steal it?"
"Does it matter if I do?" asked Artie rhetorically.
"Not really," Puck admitted with a sly smile. "But do you know what I make for her if I could?"
"No, what?" Artie wondered.
"Waffles."