People, particularly teenagers, often get bored. When bored, said people tend to go out of their way to find entertainment. It doesn't really matter if this entertainment is from a reliable source, beneficial in any way, or destroys the "entertainment" itself. In fact, destroying the entertainment can be entertainment in of itself.
Rumors pop up over nothing, a boy looks at Lucy the wrong way, what could it mean? Two teachers are seen talking during lunch, is a student in trouble or are they secretly in love? A genius boy's father goes missing….perhaps that is more than nothing, however that just makes it more dangerous. If a boy cuts class the day of a test, people will talk, but it won't go very far. Let's face it; a teenager trying to get out of taking a test in a very ordinary, mundane way is terribly boring. And then the original purpose of the gossiping is never fulfilled and one must find another source of entertainment.
On the other hand, a strange, unpopular, even frightening boy's father disappears? And his son does too? True, Artemis II is seen again, but now he is even more odd. He wears a suit and is said to have a mother that never leaves her house. He's in the newspaper and gossip magazines. Artemis Fowl is endless entertainment for the poor students at St. Bartlebys who have too much time on their hands.
And not just for the students. Gaelic teacher Mr. Jon S. Leanbyn was very familiar with the rumors regarding Artemis Fowl. During his childhood, Mr. Leanbyn's last name was often remarked upon in a rather unkind manner, which led him to be a rather quiet and submissive creature. As a result of this and the man's misfortune in having ears as round as teacups, Mr. Leanbyn's students took to calling him "The Mouse" when they thought he couldn't hear them. In fact, there was a great joke that The Mouse with huge ears was going deaf. Of course he could hear them, and was surprisingly grateful that they didn't say worse about him. However, he reasoned, it could be that they are simply too busy talking about Artemis Fowl.
And talk they did; during class, on the way to lunch, after lights out. Eventually, all the good rumors ended up online somehow. At St. Bartleby's , most talk of Artemis went directly to a website specially designed for it. It was 's guilty pleasure. He would go on during his breaks and even in-between classes to hear the latest theories or to laugh at the impossible suggestions of the newer students. The boy's father died in his bed and the family was in denial? Ridiculous! It had to be more interesting than that….. something with more drama, and certainly more blood.
And so it was that, after a long day of teaching, Mr. Leanbyn gleefully turned on his laptop and logged on to .com as "TheLion".
"Mr. Leanbyn?" For a second, wondered how the voice came from his computer, then he realized that the voice belonged to his favorite student, Parker Jonson.
"Mr. Leanbyn," Parker continued, "I think there's going to be a fight in wing D."
'Oh fun!' Thought Mr. Leanbyn, who had always wanted to be in –and win- a school fight, but never had the guts. Then, noticing the look of confusion on Parker's face, he quickly replaced his amused expression with one of concern. "Well, we'll have to stop that now won't we? Can't let anyone get hurt."
He sent one mournful glance at his laptop and followed the delightful sounds of threats and crashes that were getting louder every second.
Another student was seeking out Mr. Leanbyn that evening, this one clutched a five page paper written entirely in Gaelic with a large 98% written on the front. Most boys would have counted themselves lucky and perhaps kept it as proof for their parents that they had done some work at school that year. Not Artemis Fowl. He wanted to know how could have possibly taken off two points for…what? It was a perfect paper, not as long as Artemis would have liked, but given the limits placed on him the paper was nothing short of brilliant.
Disappointment filled the Irish boy as he realized that his teacher was gone and he wouldn't be able to insult and ridicule his teacher until the man gave him to grade he deserved. Goodness knew how long it would take the aggravating "educator" to get back. It was then Artemis noticed that a laptop was left on. Good, that meant that Mr. Leanbyn planned on coming back soon. He glanced at the site his teacher had been on. Artemis's jaw dropped in shock. He was staring at an obviously photo shopped picture of his father and a young women in an impossibly tight skirt and a shirt that would fit a toddler much better. A neon green headline read: Fowl's Dad sighted with playboy model! Has he been hiding this whole time?
Artemis looked at the name of the site. It had been started his first week of school at St Bartlebys. Not only that, but there was a menu of old headlines such as: "Did Fowl kill anybody?", "Was Artemis obsessed with unicorns as a child?", and "Is Artemis related to Edward Cullen?".
Fowl massaged his temples with his finger tip in an attempt to rid himself of a sudden head ache. 'This is pathetic' he ground his teeth. 'Even people as dimwitted as my classmates are can see that this photo is a fake, even they know how ridiculous this is.'
Artemis took his teacher's seat and scanned the article. As he read more, he learned that most of the information had come from a disreputable tabloid that also claimed that pop star Cindy J's unique voice was due to a strict diet of bananas, Dr. Pepper, oatmeal, and grasshoppers. Artemis began to relax as he realized that no one would believe for a moment that his father had run away with this…girl? Woman? This female…creature.
That was before he read the comments. Artemis, it would seem, did not know his classmates at all. Furthermore, he underestimated their desperate need for entertainment. Indeed, when the boy read the first comment, his heart skipped a beat.
Football#1: " i knew it. I been saying it all along rite? Dillon owes me $"
Artemis's normally pale face turned red with anger. Who was this "Football#1"? Was it Erik, he had a number 1 jersey, didn't he? Or was it some other player who wanted to be number one?
As he read more comments, he began to feel panicked.
"Gross, shes like 18"
"Creeper!"
"Is that legal? wait, forgot hes a fowl, he prob doesn't care bout legal"
Artemis considered various ways of venting his frustration. A) destroy the computer, however that might be too noticeable. B) Stop reading now and pretend he never saw the site, this was the most logical, but was sure to nag at him for months at least C)insist that Butler come immediately to track down these imbeciles and make them pay. While obviously the most attractive option, it would also be one of the most difficult plans as Butler was not allowed on school grounds and, as this was a school, students would be sneaking all around the halls and gardens, leaving few places to set up an ambush.
Artemis glanced at the screen again. More preposterous comments. What was wrong with those-
Oh wait. There was one comment that made sense.
"r u guys blind? That's so photo shopped its crazy" the comment began.
'Good' thought Artemis, 'there is at least one student here who doesn't have the brainpower of a poodle-'
"-dude fowl sr's DEAD. I think he killed himself cuz that'd explain why no one's found him. He could sneak away and get rid of all the evidence."
Artemis froze. Technically, he would tell himself later, this moment did not count as a time that he was struck speechless as he had no reason to speak and, indeed, no one to speak to.
That was, he had no one until he heard a knock on the door. Artemis jumped to open it, revealing Winston, a skinny little wimp with neither great height nor great intellect. Artemis's irritation at being interrupted by this lesser being showed in his expression, and poor Winston drew back in fear.
Winston had hoped that everyone would be gone from the classrooms by this time. Most everyone went to their rooms (if they had projects or few friends) or the student lunge (If they had many friends and didn't want to work on their projects) after school hours. He chose this time to search every classroom for his emergency hanky box. Winston was forever having nosebleeds, and his mother didn't believe in tissues (apparently it reminded her of toilet paper and ruined her boy's delicate skin), so he was immediately distressed when he found his hankies missing. He could, perhaps, rebel and use a tissue, but his mother would be able to tell by his voice on the phone tonight that he was guilty.
"Winston," Artemis said the name the same way a regular teenager would say "gross", "what are you doing here?"
"Hi Artemis" Winston screeched. "I-" a bit of movement caught his attention. "Oh, look coming, I have to go." And with that, Winston ran off in a way that resembled a deer with a broken leg. And if you have no experience with deers who have broken their legs, let me tell you it was not attractive.
Artemis would have commented on all of this, but Mr. Leanbyn reached his first.
"Artemis, what brings you here?"
Artemis looked at his teacher. Could he act like nothing unusual happened? Did he want to?
"I'm afraid I must be going as well."
Mr. Leanbyn seemed confused but if the boy wanted to stay away from him, he wouldn't argue. The man sat on his chair and smiled to himself. Back to the world of smily faces and lols. Paradise. Jon Leanbyn paused for a moment. Artemis hadn't seen….? No, Artemis would never let him get away with that.
He was right.